Here we go: I'm lying in bed at past midnight, listening to Radiohead and crying. It's not sorrow, really, it's more release - lying here thinking about how I'm impelled to head down a transroad that is guaranteed to make the rest of my life more difficult - but knowing that any other alternative will make me more unhappy. Or less happy. Or however it's best to say this.
And then the irony goes fractal as I catch myself wanting to write this down here, but feeling ashamed because my avatar shows I'm still a bloke and we don't show our weakness.
So I will piss on this irony until it rusts, and I'm happy to say that I'm sad, and I'm grateful for the never-quite-man who got me safely to this ferry point, and I welcome up the newly awakened woman who was so sure of being not welcome that she slept for all those decades.
Not burning bridges, setting sail instead.
To the gorgeous yoxi,
Difficult, yes, but it will make every victory taste so very good. And it is the striving and fighting for what is absolutely right, that's the very best of humankind right there and what we must do. I've spent my life doing what was right, what little I could, but it's been so little because I wasn't me, I'm like you so emotional and it's the best way to be :)
I'm still me but I'm changing every day, I've missed out on so much, it's time to mature after 36 years.
You're such a beautiful person yoxi :D
Hugs,
Sophie
Oh before I forget Radiohead is one of my favourite bands from the the 90s early 00s, been a while since I listened, so youtube tonight (I lost all my music when I put it on a PC that got virused :( Youtube is great though.
Thanks - I was just whistling in the dark, and then got into whistling for the fun of it :).
It's funny (both kinds of): the person I'm most afraid of coming out to about this is the man who ordained me, and is a great friend. He gets the front seat in "project your dad", even though he's only 5 years older than me. Oh, actually I'm more scared of telling my ex-wife, but then we don't talk to each other, so that'll be easier!
I've got a whole heap of Radiohead, I'm listening to it on random (so most of the time I have no idea what track I'm listening to) but Kid A is the keystone album for me.
You just reminded me I miss listening to music in the dark, I used to have music playing through the night as I slept (on low volume).
You know anyone who finds it difficult give them some time, you're still there it's a new blooming of a far happier yoxi :D
It's hard only one person has ever seen me as me, even though I'm out to friends and family I can't even go to a meeting of trans people yet. But I'm getting there, laser will help. You had session booked, have you been yet?
Not got a great deal in the way of wise words Yoxi as I'm having a horrible time but just wanted to say that you are a fantastic human being.
Stay strong hun and you'll get to where you need to be.
TC Mx
Frogkitty is looking quite magnificent today :P
millie I think you might have abit of the magnificence about yourself too :)
Ahhh, irony.....
For me, the greatest example is that those that have been closest to me all my life are the ones most blind to the happiness I've found. I've lost almost all of my extended family and my best friend of 30+ years, yet someone who I've only known for a few years, and watched me transition, stated that I seem so much happier than "he" ever did.... that I have a light in my eyes that wasn't there before and that I'm "so much cooler than he ever was." It's so strange to me that even my sister, who I've always been close to, can't see it.
I can't sugar coat it..... early transition sucked. One of the mistakes I made is thinking that I could do it on my own. I only have two regrets and they're quite related: One, I wish I had found the courage to reach out and ask for help when I was 13, not 37. ...and two, I wish that I reached out to people when I started transition, instead of halfway through.
Hah! That irony again! Before transition, I was diagnosed with social phobia.... I was frozen with fear when I needed help most; now that I'm happy and I don't need it so much, that fear is gone.... Go figure
Jessica I pushed my friend of 30+ year away though it was more complicated than that, his father had said some very bad things to me and my friend actually backed him up, that ended that friendship.
The really horrible thing is I think I loved my best friend, yes a relationship is what we had in so many ways, near the end he was giving me trans signals, wanting to holiday in Brazil go to a carnival dressing as women all as abit of a laugh ofc to him (and why not men having a good time dressed as women :)). I can't say anything about if he was actually trans as he always seemed so male to me, but I suppose I would have seemed so to others. He was so loyal to his father it could easily be living up to his father's macho image.
Anyway it was a close relationship but it was fundamentally compromised I did all the running I said come visit but he's that lazy but you mention social phobia now I'm thinking he really might be trans.
There's alot more to this I was no saint as I was never even honest with myself about my thoughts, I think I'm being too harsh on myself, I didn't fully acknowledge how I felt until I was 36, anyway I pushed my best friend away and I don't even think he knows I'm out.
For what it is worth, I don't think transition makes the rest of your life difficult. It does become so for a while but that ends and then life is same as ever but more like normal.
Fair enough, I was just in that state of mind last night :). It's something to do with the fact of my size and asymmetry that makes it pretty unlikely I'm going to simply pass as female, and I'm not sure how much that's going to matter in my future.
What I was experiencing last night was knowing that, and yet knowing that I'm going through with this anyway - which makes me sad and happy at the same time. It'll mostly be in how I approach it when it happens - and the rest will be in how I approach dealing with other people's responses and reactions to me.
I keep catching myself wanting to be more unsure than I am (because that would give me more time to "stay the same", and because that would placate my friends who are uncomfortable with this apparent "sudden change") - but the more I sit with this, the more my whole life so far runs in front of me and I see how being a man has always been an unsuccessful effort, and I've always wanted something else.
So, on with the motley!
I'm seeing myself just as a person, this is how it's always been for me. Talking about passing even though I look male right now I don't pass, even if the world says I do. I pass when I have the balls (lol)to be true to myself.
We all have flaws, if they're physical things that bother us they bother because we think we don't pass in the eyes of the world, but what they think means ->-bleeped-<- nothing, and physical issues they are nothing compared to mental flaws that even the most beautiful have. Which life is the better one to live? Looking in the mirror I guarantee if your soul isn't right you wont see beauty, if your soul is right you'll have that happy core, the core that is you.
It was the happy core that made it possible to live decades as a male, time to be true and to have a slice of happiness.
Well Yoxi, if I had to listen to Radiohead I would cry too >:-)! Jefferson Airplane on the other hand..
I take the attitude that if a thing is not difficult it probably isn't worth doing. I know I could have done the easy thing and insisted I was a bloke and always had been, but it would have been a waste of a life.
Compared to what I have recently discovered of my father's service in WW2, this is a piece of cake. I am not saying I won't have problems, but they will be put into perspective now. I am finding that most people are so wrapped up in their own business they don't notice me, or if they do they decide to mind their own business and not make an issue of it. One advantage of living in a country town I guess.
Karen.
In today's sunshine, I'm feeling a little embarrassed at last night's drama, but it was good to let off steam :).
yes it is good to let off steam so no need to be embarrased hun.
Quote from: JessicaR on March 30, 2011, 09:05:53 PM
Ahhh, irony.....
I can't sugar coat it..... early transition sucked. One of the mistakes I made is thinking that I could do it on my own. I only have two regrets and they're quite related: One, I wish I had found the courage to reach out and ask for help when I was 13, not 37. ...and two, I wish that I reached out to people when I started transition, instead of halfway through.
1. Yes it does.
2. Doing this alone would be very hard, one reason I went so public so early on.
A nearly perfect paragraph :)
Yoxi: Everything worth doing is worth pouring a tremendous amount of effort into. It's so worth the struggle.
Agreed - as I've said elsewhere here, hard work in good company is just enjoyable :).
Getting there. See? Even my avatar has brightened up (and even has some hair... now if I could just get rid of those books...)
And thanks to Liam, I've got rid of that man-flag thing and feel suddenly unburdened :D
Any thoughts on a name? :)
I'm going to stick with Padma - it's short for my legal name, and thanks to JK Rowling, people recognise it as a girl's name these days.
Padma, reminds me of starwars Padme haha, it's nice :)
I've thought about Una but the name Sophie came as a reply to a moment of doubt :)
Padma I like it :)
Yeah, but there's no way I'm pulling off Natalie Portman as a lookalike :-\ - Sophie is a good name - and means: wisdom :).
Seeing your new av you can pull off a pretty good look is what I think :)
Natalie Portman who can pull that level of fantastic off but her lol :)
Padma go on change your name as well no going back now :D What with your lovely bright new av people might think 'Oh new person' haha
The scary part is that I kind of look like my mum in that photo...
awwww the greatest thing ever :)
Quote from: LordKAT on March 31, 2011, 03:19:07 AM
For what it is worth, I don't think transition makes the rest of your life difficult. It does become so for a while but that ends and then life is same as ever but more like normal.
I hope you're right, I'm sure you're right...sheesh, I sound like the little trans man that could.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.esquire.com%2Fcm%2Fesquire%2Fimages%2Fesq-06-olivia-wilde-tron-legacy-120810-lg-29916018.jpg&hash=4719ced9fee46679a17450d556076120c50036c2)
Ah one person does a good Natalie Portman impression, I actually thought it was her and thought trip to the cinema
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.short-hair-styles-magazine.com%2Fimages%2Fshort-bob-hairstyles-pictures-03.jpg&hash=f7963c4246bfa8fa5929de41b81a457423d48b78)
How to want a rhinoplasty in two pics, but when I go onto HRT who nose what's gonna happen haha
Yoxi, I can't explain exactly why but I look at your avatar and read your posts and I just can't help but think that you are a remarkable person who is destined for greatness!
Please don't feel embarrassed about being so upset... It happens to all of us...
The night I came out to my wife (now my ex) I wound up in the fetal position on my front porch, crying hysterically and trying to will myself to die. This stuff is so emotional!
<hugs>
Jessica
I know I'm a relative new-comer to this site, but whenever the road ahead of me looks bleak, I turn to "Desiderata". It's a poem by Max Ehrmann. There were some really great versions of it on YouTube that had music and spoken narration, though if you don't care about visuals you can listen to the song version by Les Crane (done in the 1970s).
It gives one a solid foundation for living life, but also whispers "whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
While I firmly believe in Jesus, this helps bolster my strength. As I'm just starting my own transition, I wish you the best on your journey.
Kalea
=== Edit: ===
Noticed a typo. Corrected.
Thanks, folks - on a much more even keel again now. I have to admit that the idea that I'm going to end up looking like my mum spun me for a bit(!) but I feel pretty even-minded about what's coming along.
I had a long chat on the phone with Jenny (from here) yesterday which was very helpful in getting me to think about how I want to proceed with transitioning, and I've now made an appointment to see Dr Perring in London, so I can better take charge of what happens to me when. Part of why I was upset the other night is because I'm sharing a house with an old friend and a (still) relative stranger - I'm not out to the stranger yet (I'm irrationally scared around him, it's been tough since he moved in), and my friend has been getting weird and a bit distant with me since I started talking about transitioning (though he's trying hard not to be), so I felt quite isolated that night. I'm looking forward to living on my own, and having a lot of people nearby who are unambiguously trans-friendly.
It's a bit tricky - a few of my fellow Buddhists have quite strong and rigid and vocal views about what they would probably think of as "the ethics of body modification" - I've already had a bizarre conversation with someone who was questioning the ethics of spending a lot of money on transitioning, and I pointed out to him that if we want to talk about ethics, he might want to take into account that over his lifetime, he'll have spent more money on the legal narcotic "coffee" than I'm going to be spending on changing my gender! But in fact I'm sure that most people are going to be fine and supportive, or just neutrally friendly and not bothered about it. And after 20 years around this generally lovely bunch of nutters, it does matter to me what they think of me. the great thing is that all my oldest friends (from when I was a teenager) are just right there with me about all this.
Hi Padma,
Sounds as if you are on the journey :-* We all have doubts, I think we all have fears, we all make mistakes but I think we have to be honest with our selves. I've reached a point where I really have no interest or care about what people think about me in a physical sense. Having accepted that, it has made life very comfortable. I don't care what people think about me and so it becomes their problem. Once you can get there it is liberating
I know many of us worry about size but sit and look at people, there are all sorts of sized people of any gender, or sexual orientation. It is how you present and the confidence you present with is what matters.
As for looking like your Mum, well you are going to look a bit like your Mum and a bit like your Dad, I'm still hoping I look more like my Mum than my Dad :laugh: :laugh:
Like the avatar. You have to learn to smile. Guys frown girls smile. ::)
cindy
Hi Yoxi
When I read your posts, I think you have a lot of wisdom.
Starting with transition is a process full of excitement, sometimes hard and sometimes with lovely days.
It's not an easy way but, if you're feeling as the opposite gender there is no other way.
See it as a big adventure and a challenge.
And ... we all look a bit like our mums, after all we have a part of her dna, right?
Irony is good to get things into perspective, so keep on going with it.
Hugs
Annette
Cindy, that is a smile! (I have tooth shyness...) - better?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.yoxi.net%2Fanitya%2Fme-red-day.jpg&hash=294b7cd6d041d04a78b8ca30905e3f21a86cf883)
(Note to self - no more taking phone photos at night!)
As for looking like my mum - well, I'd rather look like her than have my dad's wattles ::). I just wish she hadn't bequeathed me the huge ears - I yearn for the petite and nibbleable ears of a Scottish girl :).
Big ears mean dangly ear rings. Love them
Okay, here goes with some entertainment for all of us - the many faces of younger me (for comparison purposes):
1) at 16 - the only happy snap of me while still at school (first photo without bottle-bottom specs)
2) at 17 - seriously, god knows how I ended up looking like that - the 70's, could have been worse
3) at 22 - smarmface deliberate, me & gf emulating sickening Andy'n'Fergie royal wedding stamp
4) at 24 - only dangly earring evidence so far, rockstar look accidental
5) at 32 - what happens when eyebrows aren't trimmed - ironic pseudo-spiritual pose, honest
6) at 36 - the Byronic Man
[clicketh to embiggen, as they say in Pennsylvania...]
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.yoxi.net%2Fanitya%2Fme-many-faces.jpg&hash=77afa5bd82ce6cd6f806da3937d3dec2b529d3dd)
[ages corrected!]
Quote from: yoxi on April 01, 2011, 02:12:06 AM
he'll have spent more money on the legal narcotic "coffee" than I'm going to be spending on changing my gender!
Not sure about this one Yoxi, he must drink some pretty pricey coffee!! :laugh:
Quote from: MillieB on April 01, 2011, 06:25:32 AM
Not sure about this one Yoxi, he must drink some pretty pricey coffee!! :laugh:
£6 a week for 50 years would do it :). I know, it's a bit of an exaggeration for some people, but the amount of this stuff people I know get through whilst pretending it's not an intoxicant, pff ::).
Quote from: yoxi on April 01, 2011, 02:12:06 AM
It's a bit tricky - a few of my fellow Buddhists have quite strong and rigid and vocal views about what they would probably think of as "the ethics of body modification" - I've already had a bizarre conversation with someone who was questioning the ethics of spending a lot of money on transitioning, and I pointed out to him that if we want to talk about ethics, he might want to take into account that over his lifetime, he'll have spent more money on the legal narcotic "coffee" than I'm going to be spending on changing my gender!
Ah holders of the secret wisdom, I've talked to many people like that including buddhists as if there's only one true path to true enlightenment, thinking like that is a path into another kind of darkness.
People like to feel safe, but they're not safe because they're holding on to something that is not themselves, it's alien.
We are all enlightened, we let ourselves be led astray but others who wish to grind us down to become like them we must help them realise they will never achieve the personal power they crave because their source of power relies on grinding something else down. So one day something grinds them.
We can only ever free ourselves.
Padma you're nice, kind and wise I salute you haha:)
Quote from: annette on April 01, 2011, 03:36:03 AM
And ... we all look a bit like our mums, after all we have a part of her dna, right?
It's a great thing in my book :)
Currently I look in the tradition of a young anime witch (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mixtli.net%2Flucrezianoin%2Fspirited%2Fgallery%2Fyubaba2.jpg&hash=9013577fec53f59ce1b367f7ff812d8e3b217ca4)
No-one commented on the pic but maybe it's a we should act older as if being young is lesser or should be denied us, when it comes down to it I have heard greater wisdom come from the mouth of a five year old than many 'experienced' older people. 50 years on the planet is nothing, five minutes contemplating how blind we all are is worth a thousand years of thinking how powerful or wise one is. (someone living like that for that long would be one mad bastard.)
Yoxi:
Great thread you started here, hon, and the dialogue between you and the other posters is great. This is a way fun read. Thanks for making this thread. ;)
Don't know if this will help you any, but I'll try, okay?
While I don't know your situation, from what you say, we have much in common. Hey, I did not take my first dose of HRT until 1.5 months after I turned ... age 54. Late start? Heck, yes!
Just like you say here, I knew it was a Catch 22 situation: Transition? Darned if I do. Darned if I don't. Well, in 2 weeks, I'll be 1 year and 4 months on HRT ... but only 6 months on full-fledged hormone replacement therapy. See my avatar pic? That's at only 4 months on full-tilt hormone replacement therapy. What's my point?
My point is that I know I don't pass and get very bummed out about it. Also, there are many obstacles to my going fulltime none the least of which is 9 lives depending on me financially (not counting myself), and out of a sense of responsibility, duty and maturity (my parents' generation (The World War 2 Generation)) believed in and taught me that putting my family's needs ahead of my own desires comes first.
So, I'm not yet fulltime. I'm only now starting beard removal in about 2 weeks. On and on it goes. I won't bore you with the details. I'm just saying that I KNEW things would be a wild ride once I started to transition, and they are. Also, it's scary much of the time. Most nights, I wake up at about 4:00 a.m. and just lie there and bum out.
However, I go on anyway. Ultimately, I'll be much better off. Mid-transition (the "thing" stage) is a bummer, hon. Don't let anybody tell you it's not. That's right where I'm at right now, and it's a drag. However, it's worth it.
Keep the faith. Do what your heart tells you is right for you. Trust your inner voice. Finally, remember that you've got friends here at Susan's Place albeit E-friends. We believe in you and want you to be happy.
Peace & Hugs
;) Lacey
Postscript:
Radio Head? Girl! To each their own, hon! That's way cool.
As I write this, I'm listening to:
Led Zeppelin - The Battle of Evermore (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BjiRKBC05c#)
(Song doesn't actually start until about 25 seconds into the video.)
Music from my very late teens still makes my day ... Peace.
It's all moving along better and better - I think starting this thread was really good for me, just to say "I'm not always finding this easy!" out loud, as I have a bit of a caretaker history and tend to think I should hide the harder parts - but they're less hard when unhid, so that's alright.
I just feel like the more I sit with this and the more people I talk to about it, the more it relaxes into its natural shape, which is to progress with care and see what happens. So that's what I'm doing.
And hey, I like Radiohead, so I'm not apologising for it!
I fixed a friend's pc today, and she dyed my hair for me as a skill-swap - here's the demented crimson version...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.yoxi.net%2Fanitya%2Fme-hair-red.jpg&hash=d9e33303436afcfe3423bce8fc18b6f6d05f55c3)
QuoteI'm grateful for the never-quite-man who got me safely to this ferry point, and I welcome up the newly awakened woman who was so sure of being not welcome that she slept for all those decades.
Hi Padma, I have to say I have read this part of your post over and over,,it says so much. It really summarizes the whole idea of transitioning when you really think about it?
I've been writing to a friend trying to explain what's going on for me, and I was struggling for a way to convey it, but it's somehow easier when I tell it like a fairy tale. So I wrote this:
It's as though the man in me was always just acting as a steward, or a regent - and now the queen has awoken, he can stand down and retire, and she can assume sovereignty of my body. And here I am, the awakened queen, and I'm wandering around this castle I've never properly lived in before, saying "Is this really all mine now?"
Quote from: Staci3336 on April 02, 2011, 09:07:52 AM
Hi Padma, I have to say I have read this part of your post over and over,,it says so much. It really summarizes the whole idea of transitioning when you really think about it?
I saw myself as a war machine, when I've always been much much more ;)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.free-mobile-wallpapers.com%2Fwallpapers%2Fiphone-wallpaper-eliza-dushku.jpg&hash=340c869f3f8c7cfa1a7d4f4dea34c47006dfc49f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.shqiperia.com%2Ffaqjapare%2Fpamje%2Feliza_dushku_wrong_turn%2Feliza_wrong_turn.jpg&hash=6bb5676cd65f9f4d70b6addf36ed8e34632e87a3)