Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, in the midst of scheduling my SRS, I had a complete mental breakdown.
It happened on Tuesday morning, I completely flipped out, burst into tears and left work.  I began transitioning two years ago, I thought it was the right decision for me.  Oddly enough, I've spent the last 5 days in bed, crying... because I am suddenly so confused.  My therapist, doctors, and psychiatrist all agree that I'm one of the most mentally stable patients they've ever had... but maybe I was just fooling them, and fooling myself. 
I guess it all boils down to what I really want, and what I think is best for my life.  However, those two don't agree with each other anymore.  What I want is to be a woman... it's all I've ever wanted.  Oddly enough, what I think is best for me, is to be a boy... a very feminine boy. 
I guess the pressure of scheduling SRS and finalizing my life as female has overwhelmed my mind.  In a single instant, I suddenly realized that I was so incredibly self conscious, that I was never satisfied with my appearance, that I felt uncomfortable, and that I am always obsessive about something new that I must do or must have to become even more feminine.  This of course is much different than my life as a feminine boy... where I was incredibly confident, very pleased with my appearance, content with what I had, yet constantly obsessing about my desire to be a woman.
I've spent quite a bit of time analyzing my feelings over the last 5 days... trying to figure out, what is upsetting me so bad?  I think I finally pinpointed the reasons I am having so much trouble with this. 

1. I have excessive amounts of guilt over the fact that I left my family and friends, moved 2500 miles away, changed my name and became a woman.  I feel as if I betrayed all of them.

2. I am constantly conflicted in my head between my old life and my new life.  I am haunted every night in my sleep between male and female dreams.

3. Every time I look in the mirror I think male or female.  Every time I get out of the shower, get dressed or even put on makeup... I think, male or female.  Every time I meet somebody, befriend somebody, or just simply pass a person on the streets... I think, what did they think of me?.. male, or female?  The odd thing is... I pass 100%.  In fact, in the midst of this mental breakdown, I came out to a girl friend of mine who i've known for nearly a year, that I was really born a man... and she didn't even believe me at first.  Yet, despite being so unmistakably female in physical form, my mind is constantly tortured with these thoughts I listed above.

4.  I miss my old life.  I miss being carefree, I miss being able to go to the beach, take my shirt off in public, move, act, speak, sit, lie down, stand up, bend over, eat food, converse, ride a bike, wake up and so much more without thinking to myself... Is this how a girl would do things, or how a boy would do things?  I simply am unable to cope with the constant conflict in my head.  I spend every second of every day asking questions like this to myself.

5. I miss normal relationships with people.  I never accept dates because I'm scared to tell the person that I am trans.  I don't make many friends and I even avoid the ones I do make until they eventually leave me alone... because i'm scared to tell them i'm trans.  When I enter into a room of women, i don't feel like one of them... I feel threatened and judged.  Ironically, this is apparently what almost all women feel, trans or not.  As a boy, I had tons and tons of friends, in a sense I was a leader among my group of friends... everyone loved me and I loved them.  Now, I have no friends, except the people I work with.  I won't leave the house, I am terrified to meet new people, I'm scared to do anything.  This has been the last two years of my life.

So, I decided... I'm going to detransition.  I have begun to slowly decrease my dosage on hormones and testosterone blocker... and I will begin living my life as a feminine boy.  Although, I don't pass as a boy... and I spent so much time perfecting my female voice that I actually have trouble not sounding like a woman when i open my mouth... It doesn't matter anymore.  I simply cannot handle this.  I feel relieved in my decision, and I feel like the nightmare is finally all over... but I really am going to miss my life as a woman.  I loved being a girl, and I think if I were not so mentally distraught by these things that it would be the best decision for me to continue my transition... however, I am not that lucky.  I am not posting this to discourage anyone from transitioning... I think everyone should follow their heart and do what they think is best for them.  I am posting this to articulate my feelings and find peace within myself... and also hear opinions from other people. 

Here is two pictures of me from a few weeks ago, out for my birthday weekend with some friends.  I don't know if I'll ever smile like that again... but at least I won't be going crazy inside my head =(
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi54.tinypic.com%2F2iic02o.jpg&hash=6f0f99451ce8bb1064cc6ae8f4b2246732cca730) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi52.tinypic.com%2F346asdf.jpg&hash=ebb592b92501aebec8c20ae24ed7e67da207c59d)

This is a rather unfortunate topic which seems to be coming up frequently lately.

What would you like from us as far as support, friend? Many of us are going in the exact opposite direction you are headed, and quite a few are very comfortable with simply discarding the entire mental gender mess and doing as they please- still going through with transition. Might I suggest that you simply stop caring about what others think and go ahead and do what you need to do to be happy?

I wish that were possible =(  I simply cannot get over the gender problems in my head though.  I thought I would be able to, but I am not as lucky as the other girls in that department.  I have and always will consider myself female... I just think that this is what's best for me in the long run. 
As far as support... I just wanted peoples opinions.  I am doing this with no guidance, no other transgendered people to talk to, and I really wanted the opinions of my peers. 

Wait. There's one person, now that I think of it, who has done as you are doing.

http://gidinteralia.blogspot.com/ (http://gidinteralia.blogspot.com/)

You can find him (her?) on Susan's under the name interalia. A very cool person.

It sounds to me like all your problems are actually one problem. You see yourself as deceiving people and it has created a tremendous amount of guilt and stress. You worry about people finding out about the "true" you because of the way you act or speak or any of a million things you obsess over as possibly being male and not female. You fear rejection.

You have to let it go. All the fears and worries. You have always been female. Everything you do and say is what a woman would do and say because you are and have always been a female in your brain, your heart and your soul. Just from your picture I can tell that no matter what you do (chew tabacco, spit in someones face, start fights) it will always be viewed as a woman doing those things and NOT a transsexual "fooling" people or a possible boy. You told your friend you were born in a male body and she didn't believe you. Think about that. Why would that be? As for the rest, women are all self-critical. Women appraise each other. Welcome to the club.

All the things you said you miss you can have again and more once you are post-op. Currently I have the constant reminder of my old life between my legs and I hate it, but I know that once my body is complete, those worries about the things I can't do now will vanish. All my post-op friends tell me about this feeling of completeness. Of liberation. Of wholeness and well-being. You might be able to detransition physically, but you will always be a woman between the ears. You will not be able to shake it.

You said it yourself "...but I really am going to miss my life as a woman.  I loved being a girl, and I think if I were not so mentally distraught by these things that it would be the best decision for me to continue my transition..." Instead of detransitioning, maybe you should wait awhile. You have been working towards something for two years and you shouldn't undo it based on five days. Talk to your therapist about these feelings. Examine them. Turn them over in your head. Give it a thorough going over before making any changes. Right now your feelings are overwhelming your capability to make any kind of rational decision.

Well, the decision to transition or not is totally up to the individual... You must do what's right for you

I will say that you look like quite a lovely young lady though  :)

Well for what it is worth I think you are making a terrible and tragic mistake. It is ultimately your mistake to make if you will, but the way you speak makes it sound to me like you have a very artificial view of what being a woman is really all about.

1. For a start leaving friends and relatives is not obligatory. Sometimes it is necessary, but ultimately you have to live YOUR life in the way that God calls YOU to. You cannot live your life in a way that is right for your friends and if you try to do so then when you get to the hereafter I promise you that contrary to what many misguided religious people may try to tell you God will NOT praise you for resisting the change. Instead he may well condemn you for failing to follow his calling to you to be different. That I honestly believe. This is a true divine vocation for those of us who are called to it.

2. There should not be a divide. For me, my "old" life and my "new" life were a seamless whole. They were the same person, just in an altered form.

3. I don't care what others think. I cant control their thoughts so I make no effort to do so. I just present myself as I am and let them draw their own conclusions. As far as I can tell they conclude that I am female.

4. I reject utterly the notion that there is any "right" way for a woman to do things. I just don't see the world in that much of a gender polarised way. I do things the way I do them. To borrow a bit of Helena's logic from another thread, I have female bits, so presumably the way I do them is the way that a woman would do them because I am a woman and I am doing them that way.

5. i have normal relationships. I am not in stealth, neither am I wearing a tee shirt saying "Transsexual - please pass" I just live a normal life. If people know or find out then they do. Sometimes I tell people sometimes I don't. Either way no one gives me any grief. No one really cares either way, and if they did, I'd disown them because I literally don't want to waste any of my precious time on someone that socially inadequate!

Basically it seems to me that you are condemning yourself to a life of misery and struggle simply because you cant find the courage to be PROUD of who and what you really are. I mean this in a supportive way but when you think about I clearly like that how lame is that really?

The worst part is in de-transitioning you will find that you cannot go back to what you once were. Things will never be the same as they were before. You simply cant put the genie back in the bottle. So you will lose all the benefits that you have from transition, and you will not regain any of what you feel you have lost.

In short it is a foolish step, and one which I predict that you will probably live or die to regret.

You look so beautiful in that picture, you pass so well. I've heard so many stories about people who transition and in the end they usually end up transitioning back a few years later. If you really are a girl which I think you are, you should really think about this, I kind of think you may have a more difficult time living as a guy even a feminine guy because you just seem so feminine. You don't have to divide your old and new lives together. Acknowledge your past, possibly you could even embrace it. If you are going to end up becoming extremely disphoric again and people still view you as a girl because being male isn't natural for you. All I can say is you have to do what is right for you. If your life is more comfortable as a guy then by all means detransiton, but if it is far worse and you end up in 20 or 30 years back where you are now, you might have things a lot harder. The testosterone will alter your appearance etc and life will be more difficult. So be sure that is all!!

Vanna,  life is not binary.  Each of us humans are made up of many things.  We leave family and friends to make new ones.  We change constantly, evolving into a new person.  We are never the same.

You have a chance that few humans have.  To alter who you are.  Consider your self blessed to have that chance.

And detransitioning is like going home again.  And you can never go home again.

Give yourself a chance.  Some never get the chance to even get to surgery.

Vanna,

I can't speak to the experience of transitioning or de-transitioning, but I can speak to the guilt, anguish and fear I hear in your post. I implore you to read "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie (female author by the way) to help you get to the bottom of the beliefs that are causing the fear resulting in your mental and emotional pain. Ekhart Tolle also addresses this topic, but Katie's work is much more accessible and for me, her four questions were absolutely key in my own recovery from the blackest, suckiest, closest-I've-ever-been-to-wanting-to-end-it-all part of my life. What I hear in your post makes me think that even if you do de-transition (more or less successfully), the beliefs and self-talk generating your present fears will remain. No matter what decision you make, you will still need to deal with those beliefs that have put you in this situation. Please read Katie's book; she also has a website which you can google, if can't find the book locally.

I am still a newbie around these parts, but after much reading and lurking, I think jenny's advice is spot on pretty much all the time. I also encourage you to seriously consider points 3 and  4 in her post, and especially the beliefs you have about yourself and others that prevent you from seeing things that way.

Good luck; light and love and healing energy your way......

Quote from: VannaSiamese on April 02, 2011, 03:17:22 PM
So, in the midst of scheduling my SRS, I had a complete mental breakdown.
It happened on Tuesday morning, I completely flipped out, burst into tears and left work.  I began transitioning two years ago, I thought it was the right decision for me.  Oddly enough, I've spent the last 5 days in bed, crying... because I am suddenly so confused.  My therapist, doctors, and psychiatrist all agree that I'm one of the most mentally stable patients they've ever had... but maybe I was just fooling them, and fooling myself. 
I guess it all boils down to what I really want, and what I think is best for my life.  However, those two don't agree with each other anymore.  What I want is to be a woman... it's all I've ever wanted.  Oddly enough, what I think is best for me, is to be a boy... a very feminine boy. 
I guess the pressure of scheduling SRS and finalizing my life as female has overwhelmed my mind.  In a single instant, I suddenly realized that I was so incredibly self conscious, that I was never satisfied with my appearance, that I felt uncomfortable, and that I am always obsessive about something new that I must do or must have to become even more feminine.  This of course is much different than my life as a feminine boy... where I was incredibly confident, very pleased with my appearance, content with what I had, yet constantly obsessing about my desire to be a woman.
I've spent quite a bit of time analyzing my feelings over the last 5 days... trying to figure out, what is upsetting me so bad?  I think I finally pinpointed the reasons I am having so much trouble with this. 

1. I have excessive amounts of guilt over the fact that I left my family and friends, moved 2500 miles away, changed my name and became a woman.  I feel as if I betrayed all of them.

2. I am constantly conflicted in my head between my old life and my new life.  I am haunted every night in my sleep between male and female dreams.

3. Every time I look in the mirror I think male or female.  Every time I get out of the shower, get dressed or even put on makeup... I think, male or female.  Every time I meet somebody, befriend somebody, or just simply pass a person on the streets... I think, what did they think of me?.. male, or female?  The odd thing is... I pass 100%.  In fact, in the midst of this mental breakdown, I came out to a girl friend of mine who i've known for nearly a year, that I was really born a man... and she didn't even believe me at first.  Yet, despite being so unmistakably female in physical form, my mind is constantly tortured with these thoughts I listed above.

4.  I miss my old life.  I miss being carefree, I miss being able to go to the beach, take my shirt off in public, move, act, speak, sit, lie down, stand up, bend over, eat food, converse, ride a bike, wake up and so much more without thinking to myself... Is this how a girl would do things, or how a boy would do things?  I simply am unable to cope with the constant conflict in my head.  I spend every second of every day asking questions like this to myself.

5. I miss normal relationships with people.  I never accept dates because I'm scared to tell the person that I am trans.  I don't make many friends and I even avoid the ones I do make until they eventually leave me alone... because i'm scared to tell them i'm trans.  When I enter into a room of women, i don't feel like one of them... I feel threatened and judged.  Ironically, this is apparently what almost all women feel, trans or not.  As a boy, I had tons and tons of friends, in a sense I was a leader among my group of friends... everyone loved me and I loved them.  Now, I have no friends, except the people I work with.  I won't leave the house, I am terrified to meet new people, I'm scared to do anything.  This has been the last two years of my life.

So, I decided... I'm going to detransition.  I have begun to slowly decrease my dosage on hormones and testosterone blocker... and I will begin living my life as a feminine boy.  Although, I don't pass as a boy... and I spent so much time perfecting my female voice that I actually have trouble not sounding like a woman when i open my mouth... It doesn't matter anymore.  I simply cannot handle this.  I feel relieved in my decision, and I feel like the nightmare is finally all over... but I really am going to miss my life as a woman.  I loved being a girl, and I think if I were not so mentally distraught by these things that it would be the best decision for me to continue my transition... however, I am not that lucky.  I am not posting this to discourage anyone from transitioning... I think everyone should follow their heart and do what they think is best for them.  I am posting this to articulate my feelings and find peace within myself... and also hear opinions from other people. 

Here is two pictures of me from a few weeks ago, out for my birthday weekend with some friends.  I don't know if I'll ever smile like that again... but at least I won't be going crazy inside my head =(
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi54.tinypic.com%2F2iic02o.jpg&hash=6f0f99451ce8bb1064cc6ae8f4b2246732cca730) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi52.tinypic.com%2F346asdf.jpg&hash=ebb592b92501aebec8c20ae24ed7e67da207c59d)

from what i read in your post, it doesn't sound to me like your transition was a mistake. it sounds like you really need to take a step back, and that your gender is becoming too much of a driving force in your life. i can identify with your feelings of obsessing over your gender very much. i have pure o, and i sepnd ALOT of time with these questions in my head. it sounds like you're really getting emotional and that scheduling srs triggered those emotions. hormone replacement therapy, specifically female hormones can make you emotional like this. i would just suggest you take a step away from this. it sounds like you could've been moving too fast, and that you've become too preoccupied with your gender that it's starting to take you in places you really don't want to go. i really can't speak for you if detransition is or isn't the right choice, but it doesn't sound to me like this comes from a place of it's a bad thing for you to be living as a woman, but more like you've become obsessed with gender, and are starting to bring yourself to believe that everything has to do with it. believe me, i relate very much with what you've said, and it sounds an awful lot like you have the same mental state that i do.

Yes life is a choice. I am only glad i transitioned for the sanity i needed in my life due to testosterone and being bipolar causing me havoc. If you have to think about this then wait.

I was fairly cute in my 40's but in my case i was a lesbian er liked women so being cute didn't help and it caused too many guys to stalk me.

The choice is yours. Make sure of the reason your doing this and if you do do it what are the benifits and downfalls.

In my case i was just a mess pretransitioning but hey i am still a mess but i no longer have that nasty male sex drive and i don't have to shave and i have had a chance to build positive mental tapes as the woman i became which was a whole world better than before. But hey here i am living as a FTM well kinda because i love to do hard work and hate men seeking me.

count your reasons and then decide.. don't just do it because you want too or because you can or because you look hot .. you know what it means to you and what your losing

You say that you have guilt, that you're conflicted, that you miss your old life, that you miss being carefree, that you miss normal relationships with people.

You've got big problems there. You're not doing something right.
Transition is supposed to cure all those problems.

My personal opinion is that de-transitioning will not improve matters.
I think that you should have considered your ambivalence towards gender before deciding to transition in the first place.

There are many here who will tell you that transitioning made an immense improvement in their lives.

It sounds like you have to think about things more carefully and talk with your therapists and care team a LOT more before doing ANYTHING drastic.

Ditching your current life to detransition and trying to immediately go back to who you were pre-transition is drastic.

Having SRS is drastic.

You are best off doing neither and taking the time to think things through more carefully.

I want to disagree with everyone who is suggesting you should just move forward with surgery because you will regret detransition in a few years. They may be right. But you also need to transition at the pace that is comfortable for you, and if you have doubts, having SRS is a bad idea NOW, even if it might be right for you in the future.

Stop trying to live as what you think others want you to be... and start living just as yourself.

Feeling as if you need to hide who you are from everyone makes life horrible and isolated. This is why many find transitioning a big relief.

You seem to be trying to put on an act of what you think being a girl means. You are doing it to yourself. There are no "girl ways" and "boy ways" of living or thinking. Sorry, the world isn't as gender specific as others would have you think... you can play with gi-joe without having your "girl card" taken away.

Hi Vanna,

Some of the others have already said things in better ways than I ever could, but I'll give it a shot anyway.  Everything you wrote in your list of 5 points suggests that you just can't let go and be yourself.  Why does it matter if you are doing things in a "girly" way, and what does that even mean?  Stereotypically female?  You don't need to be a stereotype.  Just be you - you said it yourself, you pass 100%.  People will see you (a girl) doing things, so you will look girly doing them by default.

It sounds like you are happier being female, aside from those few hangups.  So why not work on the hangups instead of throwing in the towel?  Chances are, once the detransitioning has begun, the old reasons and feelings that caused you to begin transition in the first place will come back.  Maybe that is what you need though, to remember what it was like.  Whatever the case, as Melody said, don't do anything drastic.  5 days is nothing and you could be feeling differently in just a couple weeks.

P.S.  I've been following your youtube channel since you were 3 months on hormones, so this thread makes me a sad panda :(

Quote from: AmySmiles on April 02, 2011, 08:39:08 PM
Why does it matter if you are doing things in a "girly" way, and what does that even mean?  Stereotypically female?  You don't need to be a stereotype.  Just be you

This is all that matters :)

Quote from: AmySmiles on April 02, 2011, 08:39:08 PM
- you said it yourself, you pass 100%.  People will see you (a girl) doing things, so you will look girly doing them by default.

But the doubt will still be there...  As Belinda Carlisle said "Live your life be free"  Haha I laugh but I like that song (I like alot of her songs :))

Quote from: AmySmiles on April 02, 2011, 08:39:08 PM
It sounds like you are happier being female, aside from those few hangups.  So why not work on the hangups instead of throwing in the towel?  Chances are, once the detransitioning has begun, the old reasons and feelings that caused you to begin transition in the first place will come back.  Maybe that is what you need though, to remember what it was like.  Whatever the case, as Melody said, don't do anything drastic.  5 days is nothing and you could be feeling differently in just a couple weeks.

My opinion is that I agree with this. Just give it time. If it were me, I would postpone SRS but not cancel it indefinitely. Continue my hormones and maybe cut back (under doctors surpervision) if you absolutely feel you need to. Then just take some time to think. We are expected to do a real life test for surgery right? Well why not do that real life test before deciding on de-transitioning too? Maybe try living as that effiminate man for a while to see if it is still comfortable.

Please remember that going back, like Janet mentioned, will not most likely be exactly what it was before. Also Sean is right imo it might be best to avoid anything drastic and take this time to think and talk it all out. Good luck with whichever path you choose.

Dear Vanna, I am going to buck the trend here and say that you are making a wise decision.  Wear the other shoes for a while and see how it feels.  Then you will know for sure, in your heart, whether you are making the right decision.  Transition/de-transition, maybe that is your path, only you will know what is right.

Moving 2500 miles away from friends and family is difficult to do, let along starting a new life in a new gender role.  But, I found #5 in your list interesting.  Having normal relationships was part of my problem before I transitioned, I always felt like a misfit in the male role.  Even though I suffer from similar anxiety as you do about being around other girls, I am much more at peace.  I feel like I am able to have more of what people call "normal", whatever that may be.  I found it best not to disclose to most people I know and just live my life as a presumably cis-female.  I know that pisses some transpeople off, not to live openly as being transgendered, but I've thought it over, and this is best for me at this point in time.

As for taking your shirt off in public, I mean seriously, this is holding you back?  lol, honey, just get a really cute bikini top and whip off the shirt.  Did you move to Florida?  Yeah, it's freaking hot down there, I would want to take my shirt off too.

Quote from: blackMamba on April 02, 2011, 09:38:54 PM
As for taking your shirt off in public, I mean seriously, this is holding you back?  lol, honey, just get a really cute bikini top and whip off the shirt. 

I know what I'd rather be wearing ^^.

And yes I agree taking things with care is the right way to approach this, so yes take a step back you need to reach a calm state where you will be better able to make a decision :)

Quote from: VannaSiamese on April 02, 2011, 03:17:22 PM
So, in the midst of scheduling my SRS, I had a complete mental breakdown.
It happened on Tuesday morning, I completely flipped out, burst into tears and left work.  I began transitioning two years ago, I thought it was the right decision for me.  Oddly enough, I've spent the last 5 days in bed, crying... because I am suddenly so confused.  My therapist, doctors, and psychiatrist all agree that I'm one of the most mentally stable patients they've ever had... but maybe I was just fooling them, and fooling myself. 
I guess it all boils down to what I really want, and what I think is best for my life.  However, those two don't agree with each other anymore.  What I want is to be a woman... it's all I've ever wanted.  Oddly enough, what I think is best for me, is to be a boy... a very feminine boy. 
I guess the pressure of scheduling SRS and finalizing my life as female has overwhelmed my mind.  In a single instant, I suddenly realized that I was so incredibly self conscious, that I was never satisfied with my appearance, that I felt uncomfortable, and that I am always obsessive about something new that I must do or must have to become even more feminine.  This of course is much different than my life as a feminine boy... where I was incredibly confident, very pleased with my appearance, content with what I had, yet constantly obsessing about my desire to be a woman.
I've spent quite a bit of time analyzing my feelings over the last 5 days... trying to figure out, what is upsetting me so bad?  I think I finally pinpointed the reasons I am having so much trouble with this. 

1. I have excessive amounts of guilt over the fact that I left my family and friends, moved 2500 miles away, changed my name and became a woman.  I feel as if I betrayed all of them.

2. I am constantly conflicted in my head between my old life and my new life.  I am haunted every night in my sleep between male and female dreams.

3. Every time I look in the mirror I think male or female.  Every time I get out of the shower, get dressed or even put on makeup... I think, male or female.  Every time I meet somebody, befriend somebody, or just simply pass a person on the streets... I think, what did they think of me?.. male, or female?  The odd thing is... I pass 100%.  In fact, in the midst of this mental breakdown, I came out to a girl friend of mine who i've known for nearly a year, that I was really born a man... and she didn't even believe me at first.  Yet, despite being so unmistakably female in physical form, my mind is constantly tortured with these thoughts I listed above.

4.  I miss my old life.  I miss being carefree, I miss being able to go to the beach, take my shirt off in public, move, act, speak, sit, lie down, stand up, bend over, eat food, converse, ride a bike, wake up and so much more without thinking to myself... Is this how a girl would do things, or how a boy would do things? I simply am unable to cope with the constant conflict in my head.  I spend every second of every day asking questions like this to myself.

5. I miss normal relationships with people.  I never accept dates because I'm scared to tell the person that I am trans.  I don't make many friends and I even avoid the ones I do make until they eventually leave me alone... because i'm scared to tell them i'm trans.  When I enter into a room of women, i don't feel like one of them... I feel threatened and judged.  Ironically, this is apparently what almost all women feel, trans or not.  As a boy, I had tons and tons of friends, in a sense I was a leader among my group of friends... everyone loved me and I loved them.  Now, I have no friends, except the people I work with.  I won't leave the house, I am terrified to meet new people, I'm scared to do anything.  This has been the last two years of my life.

So, I decided... I'm going to detransition.  I have begun to slowly decrease my dosage on hormones and testosterone blocker... and I will begin living my life as a feminine boy.  Although, I don't pass as a boy... and I spent so much time perfecting my female voice that I actually have trouble not sounding like a woman when i open my mouth... It doesn't matter anymore.  I simply cannot handle this.  I feel relieved in my decision, and I feel like the nightmare is finally all over... but I really am going to miss my life as a woman.  I loved being a girl, and I think if I were not so mentally distraught by these things that it would be the best decision for me to continue my transition... however, I am not that lucky.  I am not posting this to discourage anyone from transitioning... I think everyone should follow their heart and do what they think is best for them.  I am posting this to articulate my feelings and find peace within myself... and also hear opinions from other people. 

Here is two pictures of me from a few weeks ago, out for my birthday weekend with some friends.  I don't know if I'll ever smile like that again... but at least I won't be going crazy inside my head =(
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi54.tinypic.com%2F2iic02o.jpg&hash=6f0f99451ce8bb1064cc6ae8f4b2246732cca730) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi52.tinypic.com%2F346asdf.jpg&hash=ebb592b92501aebec8c20ae24ed7e67da207c59d)

I detransitioned 2 years ago. It was only a learning and regretful expiriance. I`m back 2 months HRT. Only you can know what is best for you but you have not said what that is to us yet so I say "bad idea till I hear it".
What have your life goals been transition aside?
Where are you at with those goals now?

I want to write your #s and give you my thoughts. First off I love you no matter what you decide.
1.  Guilt! Why are you putting energy into guilt where it does not belong. They are the ones who should and will feel guilty for driving you away. If you want guilt  This works pretty good for me

Meet Your Meat (Full Version; All Parts) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-xLc0C8u9Y#)
2. conflicted! I would most certanly hope so. If you wheren't you would have no memory of the past. It is impossible to guide our future without remembering the past. Keep it with you for when you need it. I would think you will have those dreams for a wile if not ever . Both you lived and one you are.  And conflicted : Is that another word for confused? If it is the same you surely are wise enough to know that making disissions when we are confused can easily be the wrong one if not almost everytime. Find the opposit of confused before making life changing desissions.

3. Torchered by thoughts: I was too before I detransitioned (so I thought). After detransition was when the torcher became so unberable the anxiety was so strong suicidal thoughts never left my mind. I stay with my kids always so I would not do it. I would hate to see you go through that alone. My body even started to break down. I was having minor symptoms of the same thing opiet junkies go through getting off it. You need to not be confused first. Only you will know you though.

4. Transition has it`s sacrifices and rewards. Write them down for yourself. Carefree is how you feel. Choose what you want to feel the next day before bed. Beach: Why can`t  you go to the beach? You can take you top off at my beach. The turtles don`t mind. There is no defined line what girls and boys do. Boys can be straight, fem florists and girls can be straight Chopper builders and drag racers. Men stay home with kids wile the lawyer wife works all day. You are asking who you are. Who you trully are. This is the biggest deal. and my specialty. Never look outside of yourself to find who you are. You will "I simply am unable to cope with the constant conflict in my head" if you do.

5.Scared: Fear, frustraition, rage, anger, resentment. I talk about what these feelings do to us in my blog. Cannot get anything good out of it. I am in fear you will make a decission based on fear. Fear is negative unless you are talking about the band. I would only want to hear you are detransitioning in total excitment. Perhaps the same excitment you felt when you started. Self worth and Love is motivation. You are in a negative place right now dear.  You are right to look outside yourself for help. it tells me you are very wise but want that same excitment back for surgery . You are the one that will make relationships "normal" (what ever that means). I would kill myself alone off the bordom of normal relationships. I love and embrace diffrances and individuality. What you are talking about will fallow after self confidance.

Detransitioning slowly off hormones and trying a life as boy as an experiment seems to me a good why to find out what will make you happy as an individual. I want you to remember that if you decide male is NOT you the return feels euforic to have full confidence I know who I am.

You are very beautiful , Happy Birthday! I want you to know who you are as an individual. Only clearing your thoughts can you know who that is. Thinking about it will block you.
I love and care for you to do what is best for you.
Aloha,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,pm me anytime.

Sorry you're going through that Vanna  :( I know this isn't going to help matters really, but I transitioned over 20 years ago (and had SRS 16 years ago), and I still have many of the exact same thoughts and fears you're having now, and pretty much always have. For me, they never went away. And not to toot my own horn, but pretty much since the beginning i've passed almost completely and have had pretty much everything handed to me (all my surgeries, therapy, etc. were payed for by my parents). I have days when I do wish I could go back, and see if I could've done things differently, but then I realize, since i've had SRS and so many other plastic surgeries, etc, it would be pretty much impossible. And then again, I have days when I love being the person I am and thank God for my transition.

Take this for what it's worth, and hope you make the right decision.

Maybe you should give it a few more days to think about it before you go off HRT. Or a week. I mean, does it REALLY make sense to undo years of work over just 5 days?

I know I say this a lot, but I spent five years on and off self-medding HRT. At first, I'd have a day or three like yours, and I'd quickly stop HRT - I was in my mid teens, and I was still unsure about myself, so I'd run at the first sign of trouble. As things would go, a few months later, good old GID would strike back with a vengeance, and I'd be mad that I stopped and I'd go back on. It took maybe 3 or 4 times of doing this to realize that maybe I SHOULDN'T stop at the smallest emotional blip. And, once I realized that, I'd have a day or a week where I'd have a doubt or something, but I'd keep on the hormones and a week later I was like, "Wow. I'm glad that I didn't stop over THAT." Every time it'd seem silly, and in retrospect I was very happy that I didn't stop.

It wasn't foolproof, and there still was a time or two where I stopped anyway (I hadn't really accepted myself until last July), but now every time I have a doubt, I just give it some time, and within a week it all seems silly, and I look back and say, "Wow. I'm glad that I didn't stop over THAT."

You're a girl. You're taking female hormones. You do realize that most women's lives are emotional rollercoasters, right?

Vanna,
  Whoa, slow down!  SRS is a drastic change and so is detransistioning as someone mentioned in this thread.  You are having the doubts that every woman has in her life when they hit a major crossroad in life.  Wait a little while more before deciding on the detransisitioning.  The hormones are doing their job here.  Sometimes it will take 2 years after using HRT for those major mood swings with a lot of doubts to take effect.  I haven't had those yet, but my Texas sister warned me in her soft drawl "you will"!   
  I love your musical compositions!    Hugs and God bless.
  Joelene

Quote from: VannaSiamese on April 02, 2011, 03:17:22 PM
So, in the midst of scheduling my SRS, I had a complete mental breakdown.
It happened on Tuesday morning, I completely flipped out, burst into tears and left work.  I began transitioning two years ago, I thought it was the right decision for me.  Oddly enough, I've spent the last 5 days in bed, crying... because I am suddenly so confused.  My therapist, doctors, and psychiatrist all agree that I'm one of the most mentally stable patients they've ever had... but maybe I was just fooling them, and fooling myself. 
I guess it all boils down to what I really want, and what I think is best for my life.  However, those two don't agree with each other anymore.  What I want is to be a woman... it's all I've ever wanted.  Oddly enough, what I think is best for me, is to be a boy... a very feminine boy. 

I had similar feelings - you aren't alone.  I made the decision to detransition and have found ways to live contently with my condition.  I wrote more extensively about my transition here (http://gidinteralia.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-transition.html (http://gidinteralia.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-transition.html)) it might be enlightening for you considering some of the things you've said.

If you have more questions, feel free to ask them here or PM me.  Regardless I'd like to hear more from you - if for nothing else than to help you work out how you really feel and to help you come to the right decision for you - whatever it is.

EDIT: Ok I read the rest and we have A LOT in common about the way we both felt during transition.  I miss being a girl too, even today, but I know that I am living the best life for me now.  Perhaps if I didn't feel so much like I was mired in deceit while living as a female, it would have been easier to remain transitioned.

It would be nice to compare notes to be honest.  I hope to hear more from you.

Vanna,

You're not detransitioning, you're just escaping a notion of transition..the weight of the gender binary.  How much of your pain is body dysphoria and how much is the views of gender created by a patriarchal society.  You say that you are worried about what boys do and what girls do.  What is what you feel and what is what is abstractly created? Transsexual people can be incredibly sexist.

There is something about you that is so innate that makes you want to be female. That is something you are probably born with.  A difference in body and identity. What is all the other stuff? All that stuff is created by society.  You say that you might be a feminine boy, but is that possible?   

You said that your drs said you were stable but you're not.  You ran away and you hide.  You're not confident. You transitioned without being able to say you're trans.   Before jumping back and forth between girl and boy, try being what you are.  You're trans.  People will love you accept you for that.  You will be able to have genuine relationships when you don't feel like you're lying.  You're allowing yourself to be judged.  You're a product of the society you live in, but you're just not going to fit with society's gender binary.  Not as a stealth trans woman hiding, not as a feminine boy.  So find how you do fit with society.  Most of that is going to come with being really honest...then you'll know that people accept you for what you are.  People who date you will accept you.  Friends will accept you. 

My advice, don't do it.
I started therapy over 2 years ago and blew it of. It looked indeed easier at the time but in the long run it only caused harm. I felt so bad my imunesystem didn't work and I was basicaly sick all the time and the fact that not being able to be myself brought my alcoholism to the next level. I guess it is all stressful but unless you want to become a misserable drunk I wouldn't recomand stoping the transition.

Quote from: C.J. on April 03, 2011, 04:02:22 AM
I don't have much original to add, but I wanted to say I agree completely with Sean. I think this is something that requires a lot of soul-searching before ANY move is made, and if detransition is truly right for you then you should go for it. I am a little concerned about the people who seem to be saying unequivocally that you should go for it (transition), that you are truly female. Yes, you may be suffering from GID-related stresses and fears, from wanting to fit into a gender binary...but you also might not be female. Only you can know that. But these concerns are there for a reason, they are telling you something. What that something is ultimately only you know.

Yup, only the OP knows.  I always found it a little hypocritical when we insist someone IS or ISN'T something (like female, male, transgendered, etc) when we ourselves struggle with the problem of others constantly trying to define us as well.  We should be extra careful not to do the same thing.

Vanna ... Poor you, wrestling with such a tough choice! I really hope you find the way that makes you happiest.

I cannot possibly say what the best thing for you to do is, still less tell you how you should feel. But perhaps I can suggest a few tools you could use to help you make your decision. I think the main thing is to try and figure out the degree to which gender-feelings are the cause of your present unhappiness ... For example, just moving all that way and starting a new life in a new place with new people would be very stressful for anyone, let alone someone who is transitioning at the same time. Any girl in your position would wonder, 'Have I done the right thing, should I go home?' My point is, it could be the geographical and social change that is causing as much disturbance as the gender change.

Another issue: time. You spent most of your life as a boy, albeit a very feminine one. You were used to your old body, your old way of life, your old friends. Now you're having to start from scratch as a girl. It will surely take time to get as settled in your new life as you were in your old. So I guess the question is: will this get better, or am I always going to feel this way? It's very hard to answer that at the best of times, and when we're unhappy it's even harder, because it's so difficult to imagine not feeling bad. But things can get better ... maybe you should give them a chance?

Personally, i big issue I have, which I sense a little in you too, is trying to figure out the relationship between my gender and my depression. I've wrestled with this all my life. Sometimes I think I that my GID is just a reaction to unhappiness or feelings of low-self-worth: kind of a fantasy of a better life, free from the problems that bug me as a man. So the cure for that would be to improve my self-esteem as a man to make the feelings of GID go away ... Other times I think it's the other way around: I have been unhappy for years and years because I have tried to suppress my GID. So the cure for that would be to transition.

If I were you, I'd sit down and try to work through all the issues which bugged me to see what's at the root of them. I'd also try to talk to someone. Just as we should never transition without proper professional counselling from a therapist who really has a good professional understanding of GID, so it's probably wise not to DE-transition without a little help first.

One final thing ... I don't know what you see in the mirror. But I know what I see in those pictures: a pretty, happy, totally feminine young woman. She has a lovely smile. Why don't you give that girl a little more time? You never know, she may have a much better life ahead of her than you can now imagine ...

Good luck and God bless in whatever you decide x

This thread has info in it now that needs to stay stiky on top. I feel all who transition or are thinking of it should read here. I wish I was on a forum before I detransitioned.

Hi Vanna,

     I'm really sorry to hear about your distress. I know that the mental anguish can be so completely overwhelming. I know you think detransitioning is the way to go and that you'd rather end up being seen as a feminine boy with more friends than a woman without, but in my opinion, that's doing with actions what you don't want to do with words. Instead of telling people up front that you're "special", you avoid the subject. Instead of taking the final step to become a woman, one that will have a large degree of permanence, you find yourself overcome with the fact that you weren't born this way. These are understandable thoughts and I'm not trying to diminish or discourage your choices in any way. However, may I try making an alternative suggestion? Instead of hiding who you are from everyone, try owning it. You are a beautiful, young transwoman. If people have a problem with that, then it's their problem, not yours. I realize this is akin to a second "coming out", but you'd be surprised how accepting and loving people really can be.

     You say that you've always thought of yourself as a woman, that you've been happiest as a woman. I think this is a key part of the situation you're going through. It would break my heart to hear that you detransitioned into a form you hated so that you could feel more normal, more carefree, and have more friends. I say this from personal experience. When I was 22, I started transitioning, but got scared when noticeable changes started occurring and stopped. At one point, I called a friend in the middle of the night and couldn't stop bawling, saying that "no one would ever love me." I still continued to be what I thought myself as me (still dressed in a lot of feminine clothing despite not passing), went through several relationships, etc, and thought that I loved being me, but hated feeling so ostracized for my choices. So, I went "straight". I grew a beard, got married, wore lots of plaid, became a "man's man". Honestly, I had more friends and felt outwardly normal, but I hated myself so much on the inside. The sense of wrongness about my body never, ever went away. It was so overwhelming. Everything ended up falling apart, not strictly due to my TG issues, but a small portion may have played a role. My wife and I are separated now and I'm finally ready to admit to myself that transitioning is what I needed all along. Owning that, being open and honest with people I meet, making new friends without the question of who I am and what my goals are has freed me immensely. It's not an easy journey, but I'm so much happier now.

     Vanna, I truly hope you can find some balance and happiness, no matter what your decision is. To put things in perspective in a way that I think will help, but won't tell you which path is right, I'd suggest reading "The Tao of Pooh" by Benjamin Hoff. Taoism as a philosophy has helped me along throughout the years in most things I do. Maybe it'll help. I wish you all the best, hon.

IA, I totally slipped, I forgot that you do identify as transsexual. Oops!

Quote from: C.J. on April 03, 2011, 04:02:22 AM
I don't have much original to add, but I wanted to say I agree completely with Sean. I think this is something that requires a lot of soul-searching before ANY move is made, and if detransition is truly right for you then you should go for it. I am a little concerned about the people who seem to be saying unequivocally that you should go for it (transition), that you are truly female. Yes, you may be suffering from GID-related stresses and fears, from wanting to fit into a gender binary...but you also might not be female. Only you can know that. But these concerns are there for a reason, they are telling you something. What that something is ultimately only you know.

Hit the nail on the head with that one Caleb  ;) It could be quite possible you are a female who likes to present androgynously, or you could be a male that can't succeed in a man's world, and feels more comfortable identifying with women. You could also be situated solidly in between male and female - just some lovely human being that struggles with such a black and white society. Legally, you have to pick one, which is important because of things like not wanting to get sent to the wrong type of prison should you do something wrong (heaven forbid); you may need your body to be a certain way, but your gender expression doesn't really need to be explained to anyone.

I found comfort in the term Trans Woman as an identifier for several complicated reasons. That identifier has to be also accompanied by pure female. Female first, trans woman second. The traditional definitions of "man" and "woman" are things I just have trouble with period, but I find I need to be physically female for my sanity. I'm developing an attitude of "I'm female, I'm special, yes, but if you need to go deeper and try to fit me into some binary / non binary box I really don't have time for you. I've been searching for something that fits better to no avail for over two decades. On with life."

To give my two cent I wouldn't recommend detransition as an immediate action. I think that would be an unwise decision. I imagine that you are very confused, lonely and feel like your head is so crowded. Give things time to settle. You could experiment with being more andro, trying to find those parts of your yourself that are non-female which you want to express. Play with them.

From reading your post it seems to me that you are a very attractive young woman who has been largely successful in her transition but who feels trapped into the transition mentality and hasn't any contacts outside of work. What might help is trying to put the issue of transness aside for a while and focus on the non-trans aspects of your personality and character. Hobbies, interests, past-times...Maybe you could take up a new language or a muscial instrument. Start to draw and write. Make new friends outside of work.

If you are trying to escape being trans starting a new transition process is the exact opposite of what you want to do. You are a woman and a nice way of looking at yourself is as a woman with a trans history. Maybe make peace with yourself by being a tomboyish woman. I would advise against taking T as a first course of action. Going by your post it seems the last thing that you want to do.

You have made it to the other side. As you said yourself, you love being a woman and know that you are one. Most cis-women do not try and frame all their daily actions in terms some guide of womanhood. People are people. You made it and have been successful. Now just work on being the PERSON you are meant to be.

Hi Vanna, I was hasty about detransitioning. Take your time deciding. Find your truth. Regrets are no fun. Take care, Kim

Vanna, a few things to notice are how your "friends" abandoned you after you came out. true friends would still be there for you. if being a woman makes you happy, dont detransition just because people accept you. i accept you as a woman, i see you as nothing more, nothing less. youre beautiful. its sad that we live in a narrowminded world, but for your sake, dont do it. you say you always identify as female, so stay as such. theres no point in suffering because these "friends" only want you as a guy. these arent friends. if they were they would care and understand. I Love You, and we all love you.

Vanna, you've got a lot more freedom than you think you do when it comes to determining whether something is sufficiently feminine. In fact, by virtue of how hard it would be for anyone to see you as a guy I think it's time to let your guard down on acting "appropriately feminine." It sounds like you're the only one still looking over your shoulder about that.

In fact, I dare say that you could do all the things you think you could only do as an effeminate guy without de-transitioning and no one in their right mind would ever mistake you for a guy.

Judging yourself so harshly is bound to bring these feelings up. Anything must seem better than the interrogation you're subjecting yourself to.

I've had people trying to tell me to just be an effeminate guy, to challenge society's gender roles without transitioning, and so on. But at my core I'm not an effeminate guy. All it would be is a slightly less dishonest but still false facade. From the sounds of what you're saying, you feel it would be the same way for you too. But I can't answer that question for you.

It feels like you are on the cusp of truly finding comfort with yourself. That may sound strange, but you've hit a low point. Your mind and body can only stay at that low point for so long before it physically won't let you stay upset about it anymore. The demands of adult life, and even the simple things like eating and drinking start to force their way to the foreground again, and even if all it feels like is going through the motions at first, and that you don't really care, you're on the slow road back out of the hole you're in.

If you're willing to consider de-transitioning, why not give it a go putting no effort into passing, or feminine behavior? That way you're just doing the things you want to do and feel like doing.

No one is holding a gun to your head to have SRS. Take all the time you need to decide. At least if you stay on HRT while you sort through this with those who support you, you won't have lost any ground.

i also want to mention that it sounds like your putting gender first and foremost in everything. it sounds like you have the mentality that the "more female" you can become, the more fulfillment and happiness you will get. i've found that to not be true at all. looking at your pictures, you are undeniably beautful, and if i saw you walking past me in some public area, i would not wonder if you were trans, but i would just see a very beautiful woman. the main point here is, you shouldn't make gender your project. it's all about everything you are, and everything you have to offer. i've really ended up realizing that i have to let go of my attachment to my gender identity and think of myself as a person first. if someone tells you they don't think you are being "woman enough" does that really mean anything? no, it means nothing. not only that, but being a woman is something you just are. if that's the only thing you limit yourself to be as a person, that's about as fulfilling as raw meat.

Sorry I have taken so long to reply... I just decided to spend some time away from the internet and really think about things.
I feel I can better articulate my feelings now, and pinpoint more of what is disturbing me so bad.  I have become completely obsessed with transitioning... perfecting an image that isn't exactly me.  I feel more that I am an androgynous person who favors the feminine side, but I have been putting so much emphasis on being an overly feminine woman.  I spend so much time focusing on myself that I fail to see the big picture anymore.   I have devoted every spare second of energy and every spare dollar I have towards transitioning...and this obsession I'm having isn't healthy for me.
I tried to figure out where exactly things went wrong, and I think I have a good starting place.  In 2008 I moved to Oregon and met a friend who also wanted to transition.  We became very best friends and spent every second together... and both began transitioning together.  In a way we would compete with each other, but I preferred to be more neutral and she preferred to be more feminine.  One night after we got off the phone (and everything seemed ok), she hung herself in her closet.  Ever since that moment I have sorta lost site of my transition, and gone in a direction that wasn't exactly suiting for me. 
I feel I am just a really androgynous person... I really prefer not to be seen as male or female, but I would much rather prefer female because of how feminine I already am.  So, the last few days I have been binding my boobs down, not wearing makeup and wearing sorta neutral cloths.  Everyone still thinks I'm a woman, but I feel comfortable with myself.  At this point I don't care anymore if people think I'm a girl or a boy... and I think that's the right step at this point.  I am still slowly taking myself off hormones to see how I feel, but starting them again is always an option.  Although, I don't anticipate that I will start them again if I actually do get off.
I've cried everyday for the last week because I feel sad that I am moving away from the last two years of my life.  However, I feel relieved that the nightmare in my head is over.  It's sort of a double edged sword, but I think this is the right move for me at this moment.
This morning I got out of the shower and I saw myself for who I really am... I looked in the mirror at my face and I didn't think male or female.  I saw my shoulders and didn't think "too broad for a girl."  Instead I looked at them as beautiful shoulders.   I saw my round hips and didn't think "female hips" or my legs and think "too bony for dresses..."  I simply saw my body.  Instead of seeing myself as man or female, I saw myself as a beautiful person, and that was one of the best feelings I've had in a long time.
I am honestly terrified about getting of hormones, because that means I'll age as a man again... but maybe that is what I need.  I guess only time will tell =)  You all have no idea how much I appreciate each of your responses... I read every word of every response and all I can say is wow... where else could I get this kind of support?  You all truly care about me, and I care about you =)
No matter what happens, boy, girl or super androgynous person that people scratch their head at and wait to see which bathroom it goes into... I will always be one of you.. and that's something I also realized today =)

I'm glad you got some needed help. I got interesting insight from this thread as well. The last thing we want is an unhappy person becoming a non person. Take time to figure yourself out, relax and feel free to open up any respectful way wish here, friend.

I now understand why you feel the way you do.  The loss of someone that close, that quick, can put you in a tail spin of questioning.

Many of us has this perfection of what we should be.  Whether we think of our selves as male or female, we seek out that space where we are happy.  My g/f is perfectly happy if she is all dolled up female, or in a more masculine fashion.  She is still her.  And that is what I love about her.  She is happy with who she is.

We all seek that, regardless if we are transsexual or Cis.  Just to be happy with our selves.  I still seek that happiness.  But for me it is totally to be female.  I will never go back to being male, because that would kill me.  I am a woman.  I just want to reveal in that for a bit.

Quote from: VannaSiamese on April 03, 2011, 10:18:26 PM
Sorry I have taken so long to reply... I just decided to spend some time away from the internet and really think about things.
I feel I can better articulate my feelings now, and pinpoint more of what is disturbing me so bad.  I have become completely obsessed with transitioning... perfecting an image that isn't exactly me.  I feel more that I am an androgynous person who favors the feminine side, but I have been putting so much emphasis on being an overly feminine woman.  I spend so much time focusing on myself that I fail to see the big picture anymore.   I have devoted every spare second of energy and every spare dollar I have towards transitioning...and this obsession I'm having isn't healthy for me.
I tried to figure out where exactly things went wrong, and I think I have a good starting place.  In 2008 I moved to Oregon and met a friend who also wanted to transition.  We became very best friends and spent every second together... and both began transitioning together.  In a way we would compete with each other, but I preferred to be more neutral and she preferred to be more feminine.  One night after we got off the phone (and everything seemed ok), she hung herself in her closet.  Ever since that moment I have sorta lost site of my transition, and gone in a direction that wasn't exactly suiting for me. 
I feel I am just a really androgynous person... I really prefer not to be seen as male or female, but I would much rather prefer female because of how feminine I already am.  So, the last few days I have been binding my boobs down, not wearing makeup and wearing sorta neutral cloths.  Everyone still thinks I'm a woman, but I feel comfortable with myself.  At this point I don't care anymore if people think I'm a girl or a boy... and I think that's the right step at this point.  I am still slowly taking myself off hormones to see how I feel, but starting them again is always an option.  Although, I don't anticipate that I will start them again if I actually do get off.
I've cried everyday for the last week because I feel sad that I am moving away from the last two years of my life.  However, I feel relieved that the nightmare in my head is over.  It's sort of a double edged sword, but I think this is the right move for me at this moment.
This morning I got out of the shower and I saw myself for who I really am... I looked in the mirror at my face and I didn't think male or female.  I saw my shoulders and didn't think "too broad for a girl."  Instead I looked at them as beautiful shoulders.   I saw my round hips and didn't think "female hips" or my legs and think "too bony for dresses..."  I simply saw my body.  Instead of seeing myself as man or female, I saw myself as a beautiful person, and that was one of the best feelings I've had in a long time.
I am honestly terrified about getting of hormones, because that means I'll age as a man again... but maybe that is what I need.  I guess only time will tell =)  You all have no idea how much I appreciate each of your responses... I read every word of every response and all I can say is wow... where else could I get this kind of support?  You all truly care about me, and I care about you =)
No matter what happens, boy, girl or super androgynous person that people scratch their head at and wait to see which bathroom it goes into... I will always be one of you.. and that's something I also realized today =)

since you said that going off hormones makes you uncomfortable, i wouldn't suggest it. just that shows that you do have gender dysphoria. most people don't look in the mirror and think about how male or female they look. cisgendered people particularly. it sounds like everything you said is normal feelings, and that they aren't really conflicting with you living as a female. you don't have to always see yourself as female to be female. it sounds like you consciously think about it. just being able to look in the mirror and see yourself as a beautiful person and not in gender would indicate you are in peace with yourself. the reason most transsexuals transition is for that reason, to feel at peace, and be able to express themselves to the world as they truly desire. when you learn to let go of gender, trust me, you'll be much happier. it seems like you're thinking that letting go of the constant preoccupation of a female identity will make you not female. honestly, why do you need to always think about that? who really does? maybe the only time you might think about it is if someone asks you directly, but you should always remember you are a human being first, your gender is a secondary part of you. also, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be seen as male or female. i think most of use here would agree that our lives would be much easier without the gender binary. the reality is, we don't live in a world like that yet, and the vast majority of people will still gender us as either male or female. i've questioned myself before, and wondered if i really should become female or if i should be androgynous. that seemed to suit my needs more, but then i realized that i can't control what everyone thinks i am. i stopped using my gender as the end all be all factor of how people would treat me. it's pretty well impossible to find one identity that can define everything you are perfectly.

That's what I meant when I said it sounded like you were on the cusp of realization.

I am happy you have gotten to the core of it and discovered something true about yourself. :-)

That said, I wouldn't act hastily at this stage since the emotions are still fresh and raw, but I am glad to hear you see a way forward now that doesn't involve false images of yourself.

Best wishes.

I am so sorry to hear about your friend Vanna. I admire your strength.

That was more what I wanted to hear Vanna. ( the part abouit personal identity) I knew it but needed to hear it from you. Never look outside yourself when you are trying to find your own individual. Slowly coming off hormones will tell you if it is right or not and question the agenda why. I hope for love, equality, and fullfilment for you.
Love Ang....

Look Vanna.

Let me put this real simple for you. There are those who want feminine perfection and there are those of us who just want to be female, whether we are feminine or not. I'm in the latter camp.

I had SRS when I was still young, but I never had anything else, not FFS, not BA. I didn't even have counseling, but that is another story. I have no doubts or regrets, but I am a long way away from being a stereotypical little woman.

My aim was never to become uber femme, just to be of female sex. I never looked at myself with the critical eye that you describe being disturbed by either. I too like my shoulders, and I like my face.

I regard myself as fairly gender neutral when it comes to all the guff about psychology. Just because you don't want to be an extreme doesn't mean that you necessarily want to be male either.

One can be an androgynous male or an androgynous female. To anyone who lacks understanding these two options may seem very close. They may even look identical. Yet the idea of being first option fills me with unspeakable horror, whilst the second I am happy to admit to and own to some degree.

In other words whether you should have SRS or not depends NOT on how you want to present, but how you feel about your genitals. Nothing else matters in that decision.

If you are comfortable with them then don't go cutting them about. If you aren't then really even if you chose to end up dressing and presenting in a masculine style post surgery you will be happier with them done.

Heck for a while post surgery I went for the uber butch lesbian look. I had a buzz cut and I wore male style suits. I looked the part perfectly, and evidently other people were very happy with my presentation because I got consistently read as a lesbian (and even sometime abused as a dyke). Despite my origins I was thankfully seldom if ever read as male.

I still am a person who periodically reinvents myself. My masculine feminine balance is in a constant state of movement and that is how I like things. One day I can be uber butch, another quite femme, mostly I am somewhere in between. The only thing I won't alter is my physical sex. That was always meant to be female.

As regards HRT if you have been on it for some time (one to two years) you may have testicular atrophy. If that is the case, then I am afraid that you will need to take some form of HRT for the rest of your life. You could of course take testosterone, but if you like the effects of estrogen then there is nothing to stop you continuing with that. Either way what you should not imagine is that you can just take nothing, because there is a good chance that if your testes have atrophied then you may develop osteoprorosis.

My concern in what I read from you is this. You seem to have realised, as many of us do, that you don't want to be this barbie like image of female perfection that some people in this community seek, but you seem to think that it is not permissible to merely want to be an androgynous female.

Basically you need to address these two issues separately.

The first is how masculine or feminine do you want to be?
The second is do you want to be genitally male or female?

The answers are emphatically NOT linked, despite the fact that the idiot doctors who treat us often want to use the answer to the first to try and determine the answer to the second.

Oh and to all those who thought that I and a few others were pushing SRS - I hope you can now see that that is not the case. I am merely trying to make Vanna think this through more carefully and not throw out the baby with the bathwater.

I hope you will find your answer, but please think this through carefully. It's not as black and white as you may suppose.

Now your were i am at but you didn't get GRS or FFS. I am living legally as female and my female name is still Danielle But i call myself Danie and i wear mens clothes. I am happy i am not trying to be some Barbie doll like i had done when i first started in the 90's. I had followed many others and should have just followed my heart. Today i am a butch female who passes off and on as a male. Now, i have no facial hair, except a few long ones that people see and think he/she couldn't have shaved around those few long hairs. That has people scratching their heads. I also have some ear piercings and well out here in the country thats rare. I also look 12 yrs younger due to FFS which has people think i am not my age i tell them. But i do all the things i love to do and building is one of them. I bought and old house built in 1820's and i have been restoring it here in central pa Amish country. I am so glad i do not have to live up to others here or other TS sisters approval or mens approval etc etc. I am glad i got my GRS and am not bothered by that nasty male sex drive which i hated. I still have small B boobs since getting my 12 yr old implants removed due to age but one day i will get that removed too. i will always stay legally female and people will see me as a kinda FTM if they don't know me personally. Thats a ok place for me. You have to find your place and it shouldn't be up to others standards especially from places like this where their is tons of peer pressure to be ultra femme or as femma as possible. Its ok not to be as femme as possible. Find your place and following your heart and live your life. You may get GRS or you may not thats your choice and no one here should try to make you feel like you have to get it because thats what they would do if they were you. Be an INDIVIDUAL   BE YOURSELF

This is all just so sad. :'( Losing your friend had to be a very heartbreaking and traumatic experience for you, and it's no wonder it caused you to focus on your motivations. You would naturally retreat back to where you felt safe, and that seems to be what you are struggling with. I have no grand advice or long speeches to make, only to say listen to your own heart above all else. Sometimes it is difficult to discern her voice amongst all the noise, but find your quiet place and I'm sure she will not misguide you.

Not all women are judgmental. Maybe the ones you mentioned were just jealous. :)  But you have reached a point where you don't care what people think of you, and I will say that it exactly the place I had to reach within myself before I could even think about transition. Whatever you do, do it for yourself and no one else. There's no rule book that says you have to be or act a certain way to be yourself; only you know how to do that best. Big hugs and best wishes with whatever you decide.

Quote from: VannaSiamese on April 02, 2011, 03:17:22 PM
1. I have excessive amounts of guilt over the fact that I left my family and friends, moved 2500 miles away, changed my name and became a woman.  I feel as if I betrayed all of them.

This is the thing that caught my eye when I read your first post. I can relate to that because I moved from my family because my parents were emotionally abusing me, so I moved out so that I could have a clear head for the rest of high school.

Now I don't want to cause you any emotional distress by saying this, but the thing that disturbed me most about your posts is that you only briefly mentioned this once [correct me if I'm wrong though]. If your parents, family, and friends all loved you, then you made a huge mistake. Love isn't an obligation, and it's definitely not guarantee in life. It can be here one moment, and then gone the next. If we don't value what's there, or even pretend that other things have more value than it, then we lose sight of reality and who we really are on the inside.

I don't know if that's the cause of all your problems, or if your family even loved you. But I it's definitely something that you should put a lot more thought into. I'm really sorry if I hurt you with my words, I only want to help.

Hi Vanna,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here.
I recognised a lot in what you wrote !
I am actually trying to deal with something perhaps simular
in my own way.

I was not raised exactly as a boy because I had no masculine talents that enabled me to be one. On the other hand, I was not raised a girl, and therefor missed out on being able to develop the talents that I do have.

I started transitioning when I was 31, so I have this rather "masculine" body that in my view is never going to be good enough for me to feel good about myself as a woman. Even though I pass rather well, when I look in the mirror I always see a boy.

31 years old and having no real experience on what life is about as a woman, how to behave, what to do, what not to do, what to wear, how to deal with the fact that I am a TS, always afraid that I turn out a freak just like I was when I was a feminine guy...has also made me feel as if I have less freedom then I had before. Its because suddenly I feel the pressure coming to me from all directions.

I feel really bad about my looks, am terrible insecure and that is whyI have decided for myself not to do the surgery for now, and just be a ->-bleeped-<-. I am very open about what I am, because that makes me feel more comfortable around people. I am not exactly a man, and not exactly a woman. I know I am one inside. But I simply cannot deal with the pressure of having to be a real woman.

It makes me feel so bad about my situation and my looks, that it seems better for me to accept myself as a TS, and with that free myself from some of the pressure that I feel, when having to prove myself as a girl/woman. Im just to insecure for that.

I know perhaps a very different story here.
But I do recognise some of the things you are saying.

x
Birgitta

Quote from: Birgitta on April 05, 2011, 02:48:07 PM
I feel really bad about my looks, am terrible insecure and that is whyI have decided for myself not to do the surgery for now, and just be a ->-bleeped-<-.

Just be you, love yourself please :).  The 'T' word you use as a self-descriptor, it's not a way I'd ever describe myself, (other forms of the word absolutely Transwoman, transgendered.  But the word you're using has an association with emphasising sex and making the person who bears that name a sexual object.  Please stop using that word it's the source of alot of your problems.

Quote from: Birgitta on April 05, 2011, 02:48:07 PM
I am very open about what I am, because that makes me feel more comfortable around people. I am not exactly a man, and not exactly a woman. I know I am one inside. But I simply cannot deal with the pressure of having to be a real woman.

I think other people have covered ditching trying to live up to some perfection of womanhood, just the fact it's perfect makes it indefinable and never attainable by anyone.

*Big hug*, you're worth so much :)  Having a self-esteem issue concerning looks is hard I know, many would sympathize with us :(  It's when you cease to care so much that being a good person is what matters above all :)

Very good post C.J.
The list for qualifying is never ending and if we don't realise this doubt grows in our mind. We want to qualify because of the belief that there's such a thing as perfection (an idea which makes us feel safe but really undermines everything we think).

I rewrote this many times haha, leaving it now lol I hope I added something useful :)

Hi Vanna, I detransitioned two years after SRS but I did so for the sake of my relationship with my children. Some have wondered if I should have gone ahead with SRS at all, but what's done is done.

I applaud your careful thought on your situation and I sense that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. 

Take care, Kim

I don't see how anyone could go as far as you, with professional guidance - and then be wrong about transition.  I think you are just afraid.  Don't make rash decisions.

Hi Vanna,

I saw your post on CL before it was flagged.
I went through a phase similar to the one you have gone through (rigid MtF to queer) and would love to talk about/discuss it if you like.

Vanna:

Guess what?

All these things you describe in your thread?  I think them too ... every one of them ... every day ... for well over a year now. 

Mind you, in 1.5 weeks, I'll be 1 year and 4 months on HRT and I'm still not fulltime.  Sure, I give this reason and that reason but in the end the REAL issues for me are the same as the REAL issues for you. 

Will I pass?  No!  Can I do a feminine voice?  No!  Can I act all girlie-girl-like?  No!

As a natural free spirit, all I can be is who I am. 

Does ANYBODY here on this site feel like you do?  Yeah, I do. 

Does ANYBODY here on this site relate to you?  Yeah, I do.

Does ANYBODY here on this site understood you?  Yeah, I do.

See?  You are NOT alone.  You have a peer who thinks and feels like you do.  Do you often feel that by fully transitioning you'll be exchange one set of problems for another set of problems equally intense but just different?  I do.  Know what, my insurance will cover SRS.  Will I ever have it?  Probably, when I'm ready to send in the paperwork like you describe, I'll blitz out in a similar way. 

The difference between you and me is:

*  You pass.  I do not.

*  You will stop HRT.  I will not.

*  You are pretty.  I am not. 

All we can do is all we can do, and it'll have to be enough.  Let's take the lives we have with the circumstances we are in and make the most  of them.

Hugs & Peace to You

;)   Lacey

Your thread makes LOTS of sense to me. 

I'm not a fan of the semantics running rampant. I don't want to discuss it, really, or argue with anyone. I just want someone to know that I really don't care for any title at all, I'm finally being me. Someone may see all of the bickering and freak out, as I did up until just two days ago. Love yourself.

Be. Do. Have. Love. <3

peace! --> /hippieness

Quote from: japple on April 03, 2011, 03:31:52 AM
Vanna,

You're not detransitioning, you're just escaping a notion of transition..the weight of the gender binary.  How much of your pain is body dysphoria and how much is the views of gender created by a patriarchal society.  You say that you are worried about what boys do and what girls do.  What is what you feel and what is what is abstractly created? Transsexual people can be incredibly sexist.

There is something about you that is so innate that makes you want to be female. That is something you are probably born with.  A difference in body and identity. What is all the other stuff? All that stuff is created by society.  You say that you might be a feminine boy, but is that possible?   

You said that your drs said you were stable but you're not.  You ran away and you hide.  You're not confident. You transitioned without being able to say you're trans.   Before jumping back and forth between girl and boy, try being what you are.  You're trans.  People will love you accept you for that.  You will be able to have genuine relationships when you don't feel like you're lying.  You're allowing yourself to be judged.  You're a product of the society you live in, but you're just not going to fit with society's gender binary.  Not as a stealth trans woman hiding, not as a feminine boy.  So find how you do fit with society.  Most of that is going to come with being really honest...then you'll know that people accept you for what you are.  People who date you will accept you.  Friends will accept you.

I have to agree with that post.

Quote from: Sophie on April 05, 2011, 03:33:14 PM
Just be you, love yourself please :).  The 'T' word you use as a self-descriptor, it's not a way I'd ever describe myself, (other forms of the word absolutely Transwoman, transgendered.  But the word you're using has an association with emphasizing sex and making the person who bears that name a sexual object.  Please stop using that word it's the source of alot of your problems.
I think other people have covered ditching trying to live up to some perfection of womanhood, just the fact it's perfect makes it indefinable and never attainable by anyone.

*Big hug*, you're worth so much :)  Having a self-esteem issue concerning looks is hard I know, many would sympathize with us :(  It's when you cease to care so much that being a good person is what matters above all :)

I have those thoughts about detransitioning very rarely (but for a completely different reason). I've lived full-time since I turned 21 and have worked on a lot of issues related to my gender transition.

Quote from: Aeverine Zinn on April 06, 2011, 03:11:14 AM
I have those thoughts about detransitioning very rarely (but for a completely different reason). I've lived full-time since I turned 21 and have worked on a lot of issues related to my gender transition.

The notion of full-time as if that's something completely different, hah.  It's what is happening mentally that matters, that groundwork should be firmly in place without delusion.  I've always had the deep connection and empathy with similiar women to me, now I can stop being treated like a sex object lol.  Seriously the divide that was never there has fallen from my mind completely.  It was all in my head anyway.  We are all gender blind end of the day, to talk about full-time in looks is to talk about full interaction based on the mental readiness.  Get the mind sorted out before even going out there is my advice.

So I'm preparing physical transition to place myself into situations where I'm not prepared is foolish, but to wait forever is madness, but if you're prepared mentally things happen without conscious control, for me this is all happening naturally moving to the physical.

If someone has to force it or jump in then make sure it's not a major blind experiment, it should be I have to make this change because the other options are not options I have to jump in.

People thinking of detransitioning think there's other options, but in our heart we know who we are, and we bring that to light by reflecting on our own existence.

Quote from: C.J. on April 05, 2011, 03:42:35 PM
Sophie's right. I learned this from my women's studies classes. Ciswomen struggle with the EXACT same thing. "Womanhood" as an essence, as defined by our highly limited society, is limited to white, middle-class, straight, cis, able-bodied women.

It's NOT exactly the same thing. Born woman were raised woman and have stronger identities as WOMAN then most TS woman do... (at least when they are like I am). An "ugly" woman is an "ugly" woman... an ugly TS (as in not able to pass) is a MAN, its a HUGE difference.
Its not just female insecurity, people may and can question your identity ALWAYS, without you beeing able to do anything about it!!! And you ALWAYS have to tell the people you are intimate with.. if they did not see it right away.

So for many of us... being a woman is nothing more then a fairytale.
And our upbringing makes us fragile.... you question yourself constantly, you should not, but it just happens... people judge people... there is no way around that.... and most likely you will be judged by the way you look too.

less of a woman is still a woman and makes a huge difference from not a woman at all.

Transwoman are objectified too.

And most likely NOT as woman, but as MEN. Most TS lovers want a TS because they want them to be masculine in bed for them, they objectify them....their bodies... even more so then is done with woman.

Most men will not be seen or have anything to do with a TS woman, because their friends will think they are gay.

How many TS woman worldwide have to sell their bodies to make ends meet... and that is not because they are woman, it is because they are TS woman and therefor are unable to lead a normal life as woman in sociaty...

The ones that can were most likely succesfull as man anyway...before transition.

And you can't really know ... you perhaps recognise what I say from your own experience as a woman in sociaty but ultimately you are not one... and you are certainly not a M2F TS.

I could say be prepared to be judged now by your income and masculinity, but I better say... be prepared that woman like you because you understand them better then men do....

And besides... it's a natural fact that we are judged by our looks... wether we like it or not.

I hope Vanna is still reading this thread, but even if she isn't, it may help others. A professional colleague posted this on a list-server I subscribe to. He said it was from The Vortex by Esther and Jerry Hicks:

"A belief is only a thought that you keep thinking- and it is only the beliefs that you hold that keep you from the things that you want.  A belief is only a thought that you keep thinking.  And the only thing that keeps you from who-you-really-are and what you really want is a belief, which is only a thought that you keep thinking.  So if its a thought you keep thinking, and you're getting results you don't want, wouldn't it be prudent to begin to think a different thought?"

"Everything that you see that you call reality is just coagulated, coalesced, combined thought- a thought that somebody thought long enough."

Unfortunately, as easy as this is to say, it can be hard work examining our beliefs, but well worth the effort.

Vanna,

Sorry I didn't see this thread until today. I re-transitioned many years ago, and have written about my experiences with this, both here in the forum, and also at my blog. Two articles in particular might be of interest to you; Re-transition http://y2gender.com/index.php?blog=2&p=34&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1 (http://y2gender.com/index.php?blog=2&p=34&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1) and Stigma of de-transition http://y2gender.com/index.php?blog=2&p=35&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1 (http://y2gender.com/index.php?blog=2&p=35&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1). Feel free to PM anytime if you wish to talk about this further!

I wish you all the best as you explore your feelings and figure out what is the right path for you!

Z

Sorry, I have been away for some time trying to find myself.  I decided that I should try to live my life as a boy and see how that made me feel.
I spent 7-10 days binding my boobs down, wearing no makeup, neutral clothing and attempting to lower my voice.  I found out really quickly that nobody thought I was a boy... even after I told people I was a boy, they still continued to call me miss.  In a way it was a good feeling, but it was equally as scary.  A part of me was looking forward to going backwards to being a boy... I had all these ideas of how great things would be again.  It turns out that these great ideas are really just an illusion... I can't have my old life back.  Now that I think about it, my old life was kinda crappy.  I guess what I missed about the old me was that I wasn't living in constant anxiety, like I was before I had my breakdown.  So, I am still dressing neutral, i'm not wearing makeup, and I am doing this so I won't care what people think anymore.  In a way I think I was projecting an overly feminine image that wasn't exactly me... I was afraid of being viewed as male for even a second.. and being called he.  After my breakdown though, I suddenly don't care... people may call me what they want.  A part of me wants to be a boy, and a part of me wants to be a girl... and when I let myself relax and present myself as who I really am, I seem to appear female to others.  I even met a man recently who knows nothing about my past or gender issues.  I was dressed very boyish with my boobs bound down, no makeup... and told him I wanted to be a boy.  He laughed at me and said that he doesn't think that's possible.  Again, the moment was equally scary as it was exciting.   However, his words made me realize that I really am a girl inside... and no matter how many hormones I take, how many friends I make, surgeries I have and things I do... nothing can really change that.  It seems the problem I was having was I wasn't presenting myself as I truly am... which is sorta a laid back girl with a boyish side.  Instead, I was presenting myself as a business woman, with lots of skirts, dresses, makeup and such... and I wasn't comfortable as that. 
So, I have decided to stay on hormones for now... I don't want to be a boy, but then again a part of me doesn't want to be a girl.  So, I will just have to be me =) 

And that is precisely what I was trying to tell you in my first post!.

Ah well - maybe you're a kinasthetic learner (someone who has to learn by doing as opposed to being told).

You will find that EXACTLY the same principle applies to whether or not to have SRS. If you don't like your genitals then for God's sake have it and get the peace of mind. You can still think of yourself as part male if you wish, or like me you can just stop analysing it and instead just be yourself.

I didn't have SRS to become a woman - I had it to become ME!

EDIT - Oh - yes - and one other thing. Makeup is not obligatory. I never touch the filthy stuff! However a small maintainance dose of HRT of one form or another IS necessary, irrespective of whether you have SRS, if your testes have atrophied then you will almost certainly need something to stay healthy. Please dont find that one out the hard way. Osteoporosis is NOT nice.

I absolutely love it :)  :D

yay Vanna!! (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cosgan.de%2Fimages%2Fkao%2Fmusik%2Fa040.gif&hash=be483482a416aa2274a2e789ceb244fa130deb12)

I really think that many take a step back, to make sure that they are going in the right direction.  And many continue on with transition.

I have thought about it myself.  But there is noting wrong with a woman having a boy side.  I still like some of the things I did, but that is just part of me.  Not working at present, most days I don't wear makeup and I don't wear a bra.  If I am going out for some reason then I will do the makeup and a bra.

I am just a girl with a boyish side.  Like many women.

Quote from: VannaSiamese on April 12, 2011, 02:19:51 AMI don't want to be a boy, but then again a part of me doesn't want to be a girl.  So, I will just have to be me =)

Welcome to the genderqueer club! : D

Also check your myspace ; )

Vanna,
  Like these girls said above!  Just be yourself, do not force things on yourself because you think that it is supposed to be the norm.  I believe after more than 4 1/2 months on HRT that I am a tomboy, not a male nor an effeminate female.   I like the way my body is changing and the calmness that is in my mind, yet, I still like to do the same "male" things that I was doing before.  I still like the color blue and the other things I will not divulge as yet.  I still need to come out to more people and physicially develop more.  My family knows and so far all accept.  I need to come out to more friends though.  You all may like the things I do.   
  Tomboy:  A woman who likes to do things that are considered male and dress as or somewhat as a male, but keeps her feminine charm and dresses like a woman on occasion.  I got 2 cousins married to tomboys, they are good mothers/grandmothers, over 50 and sporting buzzcuts!
  Joelene.   

As my signature says... i don't know what i am and i have been post op for 13 yrs..  :laugh:


someone give me a name because i don't know what i am     :o


but one thing i do know is i am me and i ain't here or there to please no one 

... sooo thereeee   :P

Quote from: M2MtF2FtM on April 12, 2011, 05:38:40 PM
As my signature says... i don't know what i am and i have been post op for 13 yrs..  :laugh:


someone give me a name because i don't know what i am     

So beautifully human that it hurts.

Talk about crawling up ones rear and dying there.

We're all insignificant, it's a wisdom many deny and so live it everyday, it's a wisdom some embrace and fly.

All our knowledge is conditional the universe really is quite a big place indeed catch my drift ^^

I wanted to make a short video saying thanks for all y'all have done for me... Your advice and insight has been such a valuable resource for me... and has helped me greatly =)
Video - TinyPic - Free Image Hosting, Photo Sharing & Video Hosting (http://tinypic.com/r/210ls9e/7)

How could anyone so pretty, so obviously female even think about going back.  But that is your call, even just being androgynous.  You are so cute with that southern accent, Y'all.  hehe

And for one, I am jealous.  You have the looks, the voice and probably the figure that I wish I had.

Be happy, Dear Sister.

I second Janet's sentiments. You are unbelievably adorable. The accent is the clincher! I hope it does resolve itself soon for you.

Quote from: Janet Lynn on April 12, 2011, 11:40:47 PM
How could anyone so pretty, so obviously female even think about going back.  But that is your call, even just being androgynous.  You are so cute with that southern accent, Y'all.  hehe

And for one, I am jealous.  You have the looks, the voice and probably the figure that I wish I had.

Be happy, Dear Sister.

Vanna:

Hon, I must agree with Janet Lynn.  Many of us on here, myself included, wish we had the look, voice and charm you have.  However, we appreciate your concerns in this thread. 

Though I'm like twice your age, these issues bother me too.  You talk about these things keeping you up at night.  Well, you are not alone.  They wake me up at like 4:00 a.m. or so and I cannot go back to sleep thinking about them.  I must say, though, that if I looked like and sounded like you, I believe I'd sleep much easier at night!

Peace, girl.  Hope you can get the answers you seek.

;)   Lacey

  Yeah, I'm jealous too!  I wished I'd transitioned 35 years ago!  Vanna, you look better today, pretty smile and good voice.  Your cat seems happier to see that you are happier.   I had to weather my dysphoria for over 50 years.  Be strong!  Big Hug :icon_hug:
  Joelene 
 

lol sorry, but no way that's a boy in that video :)

As I mentioned before, reaching the point of not caring what other people think was a major step for me in the right direction. Do whatever you do for you, and not for anyone else. No matter where you go from here, you're on the path to being yourself, and that is the only path really worth taking.

I'll also say thanks back to you, because watching your clip has reinforced to me how very glad I am that I made the choices I did to become who I really am, inside and out. All the best to you dear from a former Southern girl turned Aussie ;)

Quote from: FairyGirl on April 13, 2011, 04:25:22 AM
reaching the point of not caring what other people think was a major step for me in the right direction.

Yes, that is a big step.  Then getting over the fear of things going awry.

Adding to what I said on this matter before, here is something else to consider: For a bi-gendered person, female is the most acceptable gender to live in.  It is much easier for a woman to express masculine traits than for a man to express feminine ones.  It is much harder to defy the gender-binary and be bi-gendered or gender-queer or multi-gendered - than it is to be MtF.

After watching some of your videos, it is pretty hard to believe that you were a boy. If you really want to go back to being a boy, then no can really stop you.  I don't see why you should though.   If you were so happy, then why did you start transition in the first  place?  I don't mean that in a rude tone.  I am just saying that you couldn't have been super happy if you decided to transition in the first place.  It sounds to me that the reason you are feeling bad is because you are feeling afraid of not having any social interaction.  When changing, people tend to miss the perks and comfort of their old lives because they are afraid of the unknown.  Maybe you weren't necessarily miserable, but there are feelings inside of you that you needed to express.  I have just recently come to terms with my own transsexuality.  I fought so hard against being a girl because from about age 1-17, I thought I was a guy and didn't have thoughts about being a girl at all.  Then feelings slowly but surely developed through time.  Now I have to accept that I am now a girl.  My desire to change myself will not go away.  I strived as hard as I could to go back to the way I was before, but it was a no go.  You have had 20+ years of living in society as a man and a very short period as a woman.  You just need to engage in society more as a woman.  It would be good to  let yourself mature socially as a woman before you can really decide on what course of action to take. 

I think one thing to remember in all this is that SRS does not make you a women (or a man, if you're on the other side of the spectrum!). What it does do is physically and irreparably alter your body. For some people, this is a total gift and something they fully accept. For others, they have second thoughts. And for some, they decide that they can be who they are with little to no alterations at all.

No matter what anyone might tell you, living your life how you want and how you feel most comfortable can take many different forms. There's not a specific method or path you have to be following (as others have mentioned).

The people you meet or get close to that get to know you (not just know your appearance or an act you put on for the world) are the people you want in your life. Not those that would judge you. Let go of that, "I wonder what they think of me" that's pulling you down. You can continue to live as you have been without SRS, you can stop taking HRT and see how you feel ... there are many options available to you.

Hi Inside on the Outside... that is a beautifull post.
How are you related to Tg issues I wonder?

Quote from: VannaSiamese on April 12, 2011, 11:18:54 PM
I wanted to make a short video saying thanks for all y'all have done for me... Your advice and insight has been such a valuable resource for me... and has helped me greatly =)

Vanna first and foremost you are gorgeous.

And I completely understand your thoughts about detransitioning even though I 've only just started this time, but it's "this time" it's happened before too varying levels and I'm alot older than you :)  but this is the thing it's always from a complete europhic understanding of my condition.  I never get that from thoughts of being male, never that euphoric feeling it's a kind of yeah this is cool or so much easier to live as a male like you say due to clothes or whatever.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on April 14, 2011, 01:38:20 AM
I think one thing to remember in all this is that SRS does not make you a women (or a man, if you're on the other side of the spectrum!). What it does do is physically and irreparably alter your body. For some people, this is a total gift and something they fully accept. For others, they have second thoughts. And for some, they decide that they can be who they are with little to no alterations at all.

No matter what anyone might tell you, living your life how you want and how you feel most comfortable can take many different forms. There's not a specific method or path you have to be following (as others have mentioned).  

The people you meet or get close to that get to know you (not just know your appearance or an act you put on for the world) are the people you want in your life. Not those that would judge you. Let go of that, "I wonder what they think of me" that's pulling you down. You can continue to live as you have been without SRS, you can stop taking HRT and see how you feel ... there are many options available to you.

To insideontheoutside:

Whoever you are, I offer you a hale and hearty salute of complete respect!   These are the wisest words, bar none, that I've seen on these forums to date.  Rock ON!

;)   Lacey Lynne

Quote from: FairyGirl on April 13, 2011, 04:25:22 AM
lol sorry, but no way that's a boy in that video :)

That is SO TRUE!!

Vanna, sweetheart, you are so pretty, so delicate, so utterly feminine in your voice, your gestures and the whole way you carry yourself - right down to saying you cried yourself to sleep at night ... I think you have the reverse problem to most of the girls on here. You will never have to worry about passing as a woman ... but I cannot imagine how you would ever pass as a man.

I can't possibly tell you what to think, still less what to do. You must absolutely make the choices that feel truest and most comfortable to you ... but speaking purely for myself, when I see that You Tube clip, I see a beautiful woman and I'm sure that anyone else who saw it would feel just the same. And I can't help but feel that whatever emotions you may be feeling now, all of which I totally respect, your nature and your destiny are surely both female.

Aww thank you all for your kind and thoughtful posts =)  Everyone here has been so nice to me... it's truly much more than I deserve.  InsideOnTheOutside really offered some insightful words.  All of you are completely right though... I need to quit caring about what people think.  I have been so outgoing recently, meeting people, hanging out with old friends and exploring more of the city.  I realize that it has nothing to do with genders, it has to do with me... and now that I think about it, I had a similar anxiety as a boy.  The challenge will be not making myself care about what others think... and I doubt I will ever completely accomplish that... but I do believe I can greatly diminish the feeling.  I think I've made great progress so far, just dressing more neutral, not wearing makeup, not spending much time on my appearance in general.  I do like to dress up, and I do like to try to look nice, but I'm usually not doing it for myself... I'm doing it for the way others perceive me.  It's been weeks now since I've worn makeup and it really feels amazing... I've freed up so much time and also helped let go of some anxieties I have.  A month ago, I would have never posted a video after I woke up from a nap that I cried myself into, without fixing my hair or putting on makeup, changing my cloths and so forth.  I honestly didn't even think about my appearance, but rather I thought about the sincerity of the message and how to get my gratitude across.  I realize now, after reading all your kind comments and compliments, that it doesn't take major upkeep for y'all to see who I truly am... or anyone to see for that matter... it just takes being myself, being happy, comfortable and sincere with others. 
I can't help but think back to my original post, how I debated if I should even post or not.  I feel like had I not made the post, I potentially would have made a huge mistake.  I was about to begin living my life for somebody else, or rather, everyone else except me.  I was about to revert back to the first 23 years of my life... and although in the short run it may have been easier... the long run would have proven a much different outcome.  I am beginning to finally find peace within myself, and I thank you all =)

Quote from: Lacey Lynne on April 14, 2011, 09:36:01 AM
To insideontheoutside:

Whoever you are, I offer you a hale and hearty salute of complete respect!   These are the wisest words, bar none, that I've seen on these forums to date.  Rock ON!

;)   Lacey Lynne

Thank you! Also thank you Birgitta too. I'm just one of those people who decided that they can be who they are with little to no alterations at all. Took a long time and it's still not 100% - I have my up and down days still but I've found a way that works for me to live in my own skin and be happy about it. :)

And Vanna I'm glad you're beginning to find a peace within yourself. I hope you can get to the 100% point someday too!

Glad to hear you've broken through that appearance obsession barrier Vanna. :)

For all the help you've gotten here, you've given just as much whether you realize it or not.