o.k. so about early february i met (at the time) a gay guy at this dating site. we've talked a bit, not a lot but some. through IM's, once on the phone. he's cool and all. i did notice more and more though as time went by, he talked a lot about trans women, really a lot, showing me random videos from youtube about them plus this horrible Avril Lavigne parody about a boy who grew up to be a girl...that was the wording. he'd always be talking about how much crap people give him for being so feminine, i asked him what the deal was with his e-mail address since it suggested something about boobs, and he was just like "oh um I'm just odd like that." same with when i asked him if what he called his "craft." name is a girls name, always some off hand whatever kind of remark he'd reply with. but it made me wonder what was really going on there, his "maybe I'll do drag." remark he made once, i think i was being naive while we were talking but afterward I'd be thinking wait a minute...he seems like there's something off there. just maybe something he's hiding? i recognized the way i used to be in denial through him, i talked the same way and he was even talking about sometimes that there was some trans woman friend around there that was constantly bugging him about literally transitioning but insisted that he was he so i believed him but still, wow, there was a lot he was telling me otherwise whether he realized it or not i just knew i couldn't force him to realize anything. everyone has to do that for themselves.
a couple weeks ago my e-mail account got filled with spam so after i changed my password and it still continued i thought it was him doing it on purpose (i have no idea why, we never came close to fighting lol) and i deleted him from my contacts list. we weren't even really talking anymore anyway, i didn't know why it died off, i vaguely remember while we were still IMing telling him that he never talks about his life but he could if he wanted to vent or whatever. he said it's all drama and doesn't want to drag anyone down. hehe that was a while ago. about 3 days ago he e-mailed me this... i didn't really concentrate on what i was reading, i was just thinking "my god this better not be more spam" since that's what i thought every time i saw his name in my e-mail, that's what if had been for a little more than a week. but it was this: "how do i get female hormones or estrogen? about 10 question marks. and i after a seconds glance...just replied with "for what?" thinking he was being annoying after my e-mail spam. and i didn't hear from him for a couple days. nothing. which never happened before. he always replied either next day or within a few hours (lol we both have a lot of time on our hands) i thought about that sentence a lot that night after i went offline, the next day. i just without thought replied with something that dumb. i kept reading it over and over in my head. thinking in doom, my God he she was being serious, hell even if she's just questioning that's nothing to shrug off i was suspicious of it for pretty much the whole time i knew him her how could i be that thoughtless?! worse was that i wasn't hearing back from her at all, anything could have gone through her head from my short thoughtless response. i could have been the ONLY person she knows she can confide in since she knows I'm trans, most of the time in all my venting about family, dysphoria struggles i vented in IM to her even though it was about a month ago almost. just me since we're both in the middle of bumf**** nowhere with no other trans people/rescources (except that one but she didn't like her and i don't think that other one lives in this county) around and that's what i said. remembering what it was like last year when i first realized I'm trans, how scary that was, not knowing if she was depressed, terrified or whatever, fearing she may have....i couldn't wait to get out of work, home, online that night and tell her i figured out what she meant, told her to get an appointment with a therapist then to go to the link i added to the website i looked through after i started therapy, it has they're phone number, all the services they provide, the address everything. told her it's o.k that she's not alone. that she can still talk to me. sent it. *fingers crossed*
tonight after work i read that she was like ty ty ty, and talked about "now to just tell my mom whee lol." so i told her that i thought there was no hope for my mom accepting me as male and was ready to save up, move out and not have anything to do with her but lately she's actually called me the right pronouns and right name a few times, more than before so maybe there is hope for my mom so she should just stay positive when telling hers when she decides to, it's not going to be right away acceptance but in time.
so i said it all the right way right? this was a huge eye opener, I'm an example, there are younger trans people that look up to me and confide in me. holy crap :o her telling me this is kind of a mixed bag too because I'm glad she knows who she is and wants to help herself become the real her physically but at the same time, holy hell is this life hard. it's like excitement and sadness at the same time. sorry this was so long!
You stayed with her, and stayed with your own feelings about it too - seems to me like you did a good job for both of you there :). It's good to be able to respond to people, and not to feel obliged to be responsible for them (a subtle but vital distinction).