I everyone, I guess I am haveing a bad day today :(
I can deal with my gender dysphoria for the most part, I have different ways that seem to help but make no mistake there are times that nothing will help, this is not one of those time but it is a different pain caused by the condition I have, if I were born a girl with a girls body then things would be normal and great but I find it very hard sometimes to cope with the fact that--
I never had my childhood as a girl
I will never know what it would be like to grow up as a child in my right body
I know if I start HRT it will be like going through puberty but I will never get a chance to go through it whne I am 12 or 13 when it is suposed to start.
I will never get to go to highschool as a girl
I know it may not be nice but I will never experience a period or the monthly cycle.
And I would have never had to learn to be something I am not, a Man.
I would never have been traine by societys misconseptions or what a Man is and the only other option a girl, no inbetween or any differences.
I have the fact that I have this problem and that I will not experience so much things, there is so many things that I missed out on and I think about it a lot an dit is hard not to, it is hard not to let it bother me.
Do any of you feel like that and if so what do you do about it, how do you cope.
after transition or HRT does it get better, do you still stress over it.
I feel sometimes it hurts more that the dysphoria, I feel like I want to pop or explode or snap, I hate it :'(
This stupid thing that I have has taken my rightfull childhood how does anyone get over that?
I am sorry, thanks for letting me vent a bit
Jennie
Hi Jennie
I often cry for the girl I wasn't allowed to be as a child... Being expected to "be a man" at a young age and everyone being out to make a man out of me and the abusive ways that were used... Being jealous of my sisters and such for being able to enjoy being somewhat spoiled girls while I got beaten and crapped on
Well, they couldn't beat the girl out of me
But hey, that's all in the past and I have to live in the here and now and I only have one me just as you only have one you
I can't give allot of advise other than keep moving forward with the person you are now today
Hugs
- Virginia
There isn't any way I know of to really reclaim those lost days and it will always hurt :( even after HRT and and when your living full-time... I hate not begin able to speak to people normally, "what did you do on your 16th birthday?" and they all say "I got really drunk." or "I met up with a few friends." but you say "I ran away and planned my suicide" so you don't say anything because you don't want to be a downer or seen to be dragging attention onto you because when your FT your so sick of it.
one thing that helped me abit was sitting behind a group of teenagers on the bus one day they were so cruel and immature discussing someone they knew making fun of her and her appearance out of silly things.
Hearing that helped me realize that some of my ideas about what should have gone in that black void of my teen years probably isn't as good as I'm thinking it is.
Hey Jennie,
I think the way you could approach this is focusing on the time you DO have versus the time you've "lost." Yes, it's sad and a tragedy that you didn't get your youth. It's heartbreaking to not get to live as you truly see yourself from the time you were little. No "daddy's little girl" or prom or any of that. It is truly sad. But here's the thing. You have one life. You have one chance to try to put things to where you can be happiest. You can't undo the past. The more time that you spend dwelling on what you don't have, the more lost time you have going forward. I do sometimes think about what it would have been like if I would have had the courage to say something to my Mom when I was really young. I think about if I was born in a girl body how my life would have been different. Then I realize that I live NOW, here. I can't let the what-might-have-beens eat me alive and consume me, because they will. What am I doing right now, today to live my life to the fullest and get to a place where I am happiest. That's really the key to it, I think. If you can make changes to your life now, you are not guaranteed happiness at all! What you can do, though, is build a foundation, like a house, that let's you at least give the possibility for happiness. You have one shot at getting it right, Jennie, don't waste it by focusing on what could have been or should have been. Be who you know you are and let the world see it, k? Meghan
PS, I found this on the web when I first transitioned. Not saying I agree with all of it, but it comes from a good place and I remember reading it before I started transitioning when I was figuring out what I was going to do:
Reasons To Cherish Being Transsexual
Because being transsexual is often so hurtful, so filled with sadness and longing, with shame and loss and difficulty, it is easy to come to the conclusion that the whole thing is utterly a curse, perhaps inflicted by arcane and evil ancient gods.
Oh, probably.
But there is an upside too.
Most human lives are utterly mundane, devoid of any real uniqueness, the average person somnambulates through an existence devoted to filling the roles expected of them.
But to be a transsexual is a magical, wondrous thing.
Consider. We are given many gifts in compensation for the terrible loss of our childhood as ourselves, and for the pain we endure. We are by some as yet unknown mechanism statistically far more intelligent, as a class, than perhaps any other kind of people. We are almost universally more creative, and we often possess incredible levels of courage and self determination, demonstrated by our very survival, and ultimate attainment of our goal. We are rare as miracles, and in our own way, as magical, or so has been the belief of all ancient cultures on the earth.
We are given awareness that others would never experience, understanding of gender, of the human condition, of society and the roles and hidden rules unquestioned within it. We are given a window into the lives of both sexes, and cannot help but be, to some degree, beyond either. From this we have a rare opportunity: to choose our own life, outside predetermined and unquestioned definition or role. We can do new things, original things, only because our experience is so unique.
We get to be true shapeshifters, and experience the sheer wonder of melty-wax flesh and a real rebirth into the world. Our brains and bodies gain benefit from having been bathed in and altered by the hormones of both sexes. We appear to retain our visible youthfulness where others wrinkle, and for years longer. We possess neural advantages from both sexes, such as the language advantages of the feminized brain, and the spatial abilities of the masculinized brain both. We are shocked into waking up, if we allow it, to a life we create for ourselves...we are not automatically doomed to sleepwalk through life.
After our transformations, after the full-moon lycanthropic miracle that the modern age affords us, we can live lives of success and love, and genuine specialness, if we choose. If we can get past our upbringing, past the programming, the bigotry, the messages of disgust from the culture around us, if we can stand as ourselves in freedom, then our special gifts grant us a heritage of wondrous power.
We have a proud and marvelous history. In ancient days we were magic incarnate. We were Nadle, Winkte, Two-Souls, Shamans and healers and magical beings to our communities. We possessed the ability to give the blessings of the gods and spirits, and were prized as companions, lovers, and teachers.
We were the prize gift of ancient tribes, entertainers, designers and dreamers. Sometimes we were the -somewhat reluctant- rulers of empires, and the consorts of emperors. We were champions and warriors too, who were feared for our unique gifts turned to inevitable victory.
Know that it is only in recent centuries, with the rise of the single minded, monolithic and monotheistic desert religions, filled with harsh single gods and twisted, narrow morals, that our kind have become reviled, the objects of scorn. Once, we were the kin of the gods.
To be transsexual is not easy, and it is not a birth that could be envied, but neither is it a damnation. It was once considered a rare wonder, if a mixed one; a faery gift that cuts as it blesses.
And in the modern age, of hormones and surgery, we are the first generations of our kind to finally know the joy of complete transformation, of truly gaining our rightful bodies. No other transsexuals in history have been so fortunate.
I say that we are unicorns, rare and wondrous, with still a touch of ancient magic and the kinship of the gods. Though it is agony, beyond the fire we have the opportunity to become alchemic gold.
We have much to add to the world, and to give to ourselves and those who love us.
We have always been, we are still the prize of the tribe, for only the world around us has changed, the desert harshness branding us vile. We are still the same.
Our compensations are real, and our lives are special; we have but to grasp the gifts born of our sufferings.
When I look around me at the mundane lives, there are times I think that maybe I am glad I was born transsexual, for I would never have been what I have become without that curse. I cannot help but be grateful for my uniqueness, so I am brought to a strange revelation:
Deep down, I cherish having been born a transsexual.
Be a unicorn with me, and cherish it too.
This is where it was, it's still there a few years later: http://www.transsexual.org/cherish.html (http://www.transsexual.org/cherish.html)
Those thoughts occasionally haunt me, as well. But the past is over and done and can neither be changed nor rewritten. The present and the future are what we have to work with, and hopefully to enjoy. Whenever I feel bad about the ignorance and narrow-mindedness in which I grew up, I think to the current day. Today's transgender youth have options and resources I never did. Medical and psychological science is finally beginning to recognize and appreciate the full spectrum of gender. The situation for TG people is getting better each year, and that's an excellent thing. Do I envy them? Certainly. Do I regret not having these resources and options? Occasionally. Do I appreciate that the overall situation is incredibly improved? Definitely. And I take extreme happiness and satisfaction that things are so much better for today's youth.
At age 50 I began taking positive actions in my own life. I requested spironolactone and estrogen from my TG-friendly doctor. At age 52 I began electrolysis to remove my beard. I also re-started therapy with the goal of obtaining orchiectomy/castration. I'm currently scheduled to have my testicles removed in June. I may never be a young and beautiful girl or lady, but I'll certainly be a happy and less frustrated TG woman for the rest of my life.
Brilliant Meghan.
Great find
Jenny,
Your feelings are normal and something we all deal with. Even though we all know life is fundamentally unfair, it seems somehow particularly unfair to live our formative years in the wrong gender. We miss so much that everybody else takes for granted. Even though many girlhoods aren't all peaches and roses, that's little consolation for missing it completely. I think it's something you just have to grieve for awhile and allow yourself to feel. Then nurture the little girl who never got to be. Find some small ways to let her do the things she always wanted to do. It's hard trying to become a woman when you never got to be a girl. So give her space to be.
Thanks everone, I know I should not dwell on it but it is hard not to, I guess it will take time for me to let it go or something. Thanks again :(
Still a bit sad and depressed, sometimes it takes days or weeks before I can anap out of it. Aloha.
Jennie
Bsically it boils down to loving the live your living, not mourning the life you didn't.
Quote from: Helena on April 17, 2011, 05:01:33 AM
Bsically it boils down to loving the live your living, not mourning the life you didn't.
I think that is what I am doing now, I need ot mourn and greive for a bit and then after the grieving process then I can move on, thanks for all the words of wisdom. Aloha.
Jennie
When we admit to ourselves that we are not the gender we were born there is an inevitable sense of loss. We feel a loss of so much that we will never experience. This is a real loss for us and something that we need to grieve.
Some people are uncomfortable when other people are grieving and tell you to cheer up or look to the future. They sell short an important process. Grieving is the way get over our losses and it is a process with definite stages. It is important to look toward the future and makes positive steps in the present but it's also important to feel our losses. It's very important to not get overwhelmed or lost in our grief and to take care of ourselves. It also useful to know that grief isn't a process that moves from one stage to the next in an orderly fashion but more like a spiral. Our feelings of loss may revisit us in the future often with less intensity.
I just went through a couple of really bad weeks and a lot of it was grieving the last 40 years of living as a man when I was really a woman. I'm not completely over it but I'm much better now. My transition never slowed down and I'm even doing new things to take care of myself. The next time I see the local high schools girls going to prom that sense of loss may come back again and I may even cry over it but it won't hurt as bad or last as long and eventually it will just fade into the background.
Please take care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually during this process, it doesn't last forever.
I have those thoughts Jennie.
They are there, and they do make me emotional at times
But my real concerns are with seeing humans grabbing for power at every turn, I know I'm extremely blessed despite my problems and I know I'm participating in subjugating the poorest and the helpless including other animals, even though I'm near a vegan and am involved in campaigning with Amnesty International UK.
Some might say do gooder, but I would lay this life down for the right thing that is the passion that burns in this soul it is the very essence of me.
Nothing else matters than to live proud of ourselves, capable of walking down any street and meet anyone in the eye.
This might be one of my typical inarticulate posts. I also want to state that this is not meant to be insulting in anyway to anyone. They are mature comments for people who wish to debate mature subjects.
Do we only miss what we never had? As a child I had a loving family who could never accept me as female, but loved me none the less. I managed, with my elder sister's help to dress in female clothing, learn a bit about make up and even go out as a female to dances. Sadly that lead to an unfortunate event. But life is life. Do people who grow in their true sexuality matching their gender enjoy life more than any of us? Are there genetic women and men who have suffered rape and pain throughout their childhoods? Are they happy? There are depressed, suicidal people who are living drug addicted, random non-motivated lives all around us, but don't have problems with their sexual identity. Are they happy?
I sometimes walk around and see women who are happy and bouncy (in a life style sense >:-)) and think I wish I could body swap with her and hold her baby and her husband will love me and --- just fantasy. I would be stealing another persons life. I have to admit that I may see their partners as cute as hell but I don't want to be them. I want to be her, sorry therapist it does prove something :laugh:
Then I see some vastly over weight woman who has not taken care of her self, has no ambition has no drive except to smoke another cigarette and eat another burger. And again I have terrible thoughts, Goddess I'm glad I'm not her (yet think but she has the sex organs you want), even worse, how could she manage her feminine hygiene (sorry something that creeps into my mind), who would ever want to relate to her, will she ever meet a guy and have a family?. She must be miserable. And she probably is. Would I want to be her? I have to say no. I would rather be a TG Cindy in my body working on my life than swapping for a fully functional female body that I disliked, to that degree. Would I body swap with a good looking healthy woman? Yes. Would I body swap with a good looking healthy guy? No way.
Sorry if this was a ramble.
Cindy
The grass is always greener of the other side of the fence.
Even though the reality of growing up in the correct gender would not have been all we hope it would have, it doesn't mean that it isn't a loss. It's important to grieve your losses and move on.
The pain of dysphoria and the difficult challenges that transition can bring make us wish for an easier way where we don't have to face these issues. If we were born in the correct gender we would not have to face these things. However, the reality is that growing up isn't easy regardless of your gender.
I would have grown up in the same family, gone to the same lousy schools, lived in the same awful isolated places and faced different maybe even more difficult challenges. I would never have married my wife, never studied what I did in college and never worked in the career that I did.
There are things about being TG that I am grateful for. I have known what is is like to function as a man in society. I was able to be successful in a career that is not very open to women. I was able to make friends with men and not have to worry if they just wanted to get in my pants and have them talk to my face not my chest. I was able to experience male privilege and discrimination against men. How many women get to experience these things even if they want to?
The bottom line is that we have the past and present that we do and that we can work toward the future we want. Having lived a life where we pretended to be something that we are not, our challenge is really just to be our genuine selves and live our lives.