Hi all!
I'm a 23 y/o gender confused person from the netherlands. I have had issues with my gender ever since I was a brat, although it really started to kick in when I hit puberty and I realised I was changing from a boy child into a grown up man. For some reason I never believed that would happen when I was young until it finally did, haha.
As a child I guess I was gender dysphoric in the sense that I was jealous of girls from time to time. Often I wanted to be like them. But it didn't dominate my life. I was very much distracted by other things though, stuff that went on with family and other personal issues. Perhaps if those things didn't went on I would've focused a lot more on myself and those feelings.
However, I've always felt a strong manly side to me as well, that was always (and still is sometimes) ashamed my femininity. Because of that I was often showing off, acting really guy like, but kinda failing at it because more often than not I made a bit of a fool of myself. And I also got into trouble because I always acted way too friendly. I didn't shut anyone out and tried to bridge differences between other people in a gentle, kind way. When you're a guy, at least where I went to school and my neighbourhood etc, this was not the conduct one would expect from a guy, so it got me into trouble quite often. I guess the guys saw it as a weakness. As a result I was bullied quite a bit, although there were other reasons for that as well.
Anyway, during my teen years I got fairly lonely. And more and more I thought I wanted to be a girl. I learned about transsexuality and things first from a program on tv; then I started investigating online. However, the more I researched and tried to confront my feelings, the more I became ashamed and violent towards myself. Because like I said, I also have a guy side to me, and some parts of that I enjoy, so it just got very complicated. But as I progressed, I became convinced I was meant to be a girl and that this wasn't going anyway. I dropped out of high school and started working for a time. And I decided to do something with my feelings. I came out to my mum, who reacted calm and supportive at first but then suddenly changed her outlook and said she didn't believe I could be a girl and that my feelings must've been the result of some psychological trauma from the past.
This hurt me and I wasn't strong enough to just ignore what others would think of me, especially my mother, and I tried to please other people by trying to pretend those feelings didn't exist and by going back to school.
School went fine now, but those feelings, of course, did not pass at all. They just got stronger again and I felt like a weakass for always finding ways to go around them or try and pretend they weren't there.
But then, when I was 19, I finally went to a doctor. I finally mustered the courage to do something with it all and then at the last second I again chickened out. I had been single for a few years and now I had just been with a new girlfriend and I realised I couldn't do it. I felt as if though I might be able to live life as a guy if I met the right person to be with. Maybe all of this could be solved by having a nice girlfriend.
This worked, for a time, and then the feelings returned again. After I broke up with her, even more.
The last few years I went to university, and I started playing with hormones on my own, despite knowing what the risks were. The main problem I think is that all my life I've done things on my own. And I always find excuses to avoid help in any way.
Then I found a new girlfriend again and I stopped using hormones. This one knew of my feelings and overall seemed to accept me as I am, although that was of course hard to define with me. But she didn't mind my feminine side, although it was pretty obvious that she wouldn't accept me as someone who's on hormones transitioning to become female. So, after some stuff happened I broke up with her and that was a few months ago. And now I feel like I can no longer dodge the issue. It's time to wake up, smell the coffee and do something with this.
So yeah, I've decided to do that. And trying to get into contact like this with people who know what this feels like, is a step I consider pretty important.
I also intend to now finally go to the doctor and get into contact with a gender specialist(s) or psychologist(s).
So, we'll see what happens. I hope I'll be able to get things into clear contrast soon, instead of always seeing things blurred. It gets frustrating!
Tl;dr: Hi, I'm new here, a confused mtf transgender/transsexual (I'm still not sure what it is I am, haha).
And nice to meet you all, of course =)!
Hi Koney, welcome to Susans! You didn't leave much out, I hope you still have something left to post! Just kidding, there's always something to talk about here. See you around, hugs, Tracey
Hi Koney, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 6400 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
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- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
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Hugs and Love,
Janet
Hi Koney :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's. I really enjoyed reading your story. It is amazing how many of us have a similar type of experience.
I am sure you will be getting a warm welcome and hug from my dear friend Annette, also from the Netherlands. She is very sweet and I think she will be able to point you in the right direction as far as the right doctors are concerned.
I hope you understand the following : Jy het nou baie vriende hier wat jou sal bystaan en help waar hulle kan.
I am looking forward to reading more on your progress.
Huggs
Maegan
Thank you!
Don't worry though Tracey, I think I have plenty to say still ^^. And to discover too, of course!
And I'd love that, Maegan. I kinda want to get in contact with others like us, and if they're from the netherlands that would be ideal of course! Especially if they've been where I am going now!
Your dutch is all off and funny, haha! Still I'm impressed, because you clearly didn't use some online translator.
And I think I know wat you mean: ''You are among friends now who are with you and will help you where they can.''?
Seems the most logical to me! So thank you very much :).
Hi Koney,
Your translation was perfect! The language was Afrikaans that we speak in South Africa. As you can tell, it has a lot of similarities to Dutch.
Huggs
Maegan
Hi Koney, welcome to Susans, hope youll enjoy it here and learn a lot of things! :)
I am Dutch aswell so I wanted to post a reaction here for you, and because I am around your age it might give you some relief, 26 now and 'out' about my Transgender feelings (I dont see myself as a transsexual, because I lean more towards a mixture of feelings, like 70/30%, very odd ^^) since I am 18
I used to post under a different name here called 'Veetje' so if you have any interest in my story you can try to search for some of the posts I made here or just mail me. The account is deleted now I think, I cant access it anymore since the last time I was online, somewhere in 2009 -.-
Ive had several years of 'hiatus' to the gender-therapy and just tried to live without it being on the front of my life, but Ive always had trouble with it the last few years. With some personal assistance from social workers I just noticed I kept being bothered by my genderissues -which make about 50% of my everyday living- its in the stress and the details, I cant turn it off and its something Ill have to talk about with more professional care again. I do know what I want and I what I dont want, and thats a good first step. Thats in very very short something about me
I just know that like with so many things in life we all need to put effort in it, and there's mountains and deep valleys.
We'll just have to take that journey, whereever it will lead us :angel:
Hi Koney
As my dear friend Maegan allready said a very heartwarming welcome from the other dutchgirl.
You've come to the right place, there are so many supporting and encouraging people around here.
I think you're gonna make a lot of friends.
If you want to find out who and what you are, I think I can help you.
You know I've been where you are now many years ago and I know it's a struggle.
There are a few hospitals in Holland who treats people with gender problems, depending on where you're living.
If you want, I got telephonenumbers, adresses and names of people who can help you.
If you want to, you can e-mail me by the following adress annette8254@live.nl
I will daily check my mail so you'll get an answer very quick and after all we are in the same timezone.
Don't be ashame about your feelings, you did nothing wrong, after all, you didn't ask for these feelings.
One thing is for sure, they don't disapear.
Hey, you only got one life, make the best of it.
Je bent in ieder geval moedig geweest om deze eerste stap te zetten, ik hoop van je te horen.
Hugs, liefs
Annette
Ahh, I'll mail you, Annette and YinYanga, as I very much want to talk to people who understand what this is all about.
And thank you Annette, I suspect it'll be very helpful to talk to you and if you provide me with all that information.
@ Maegan: I met some people from South Africa last week ^^. They were cool people and we were comparing dutch and Afrikaans for a laugh. It's similar, yet it's not, haha.
Thanks for the kind responses!
Hi Koney,
It would be odd to me if I welcomed you here at Susans place. I was here for only a short period some months ago. So this really feels more like a pop-up to me, but I'm from Holland as well. Susans is really a great place to be. I hope you realize you're not alone.
As I can see, Annette had posted a reaction on your introduction. Annette is really nice, helpful and knows where to go.
As for me, things didn't worked out as I had hoped for. Check my introduction for a brief intro. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,87259.msg622400.html#msg622400 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,87259.msg622400.html#msg622400) A lot of work related stress which resulted that I put away my girly feelings... again :( But I can't hide..
Hi
Thank you for sharing, I identify with your story in many ways. I was raised as male by my parents, but growing up I always felt out of place and uncomfortable around other boys/men. I was more accepted by women at any social gathering, however they assumed I was gay.
I isolated myself by doing excessive amounts of mountain climbing and biking, still didn't fit in!
Fast forward to my 31st birthday my mum gets drunk in the evening and tells mea big secret. With a big smile on her face she anounces, that I was probably going to born a "hemaphrodite", i.e with both female and male gentalia. It turns out she was offered an abortion due to these facts.
Two years later, I've been on hormones for the last year and a few months and things are going great. In terms of transition I have decided not to go ahead with GRS, my only other step towards feminisation is removal of facal and body hair. I feel that their will always be a part of me that is male, I would say about 80% female and 20% male.
After I have completed my "transition" i will appear and present as fully female, some may use the term ladyboy to describe who I am but that doesn't bother me. I guess I wanted to say is don't let feel that you have to follow a defined path choose whatever fits you best.
I wish you all the best Koney
Big hugs from Vancouver Canada.
Betty