Hello! Even though I have made several posts here, I havent really introduced myself or have given a brief history concerning my desire to Crossdress. I would like to do so now. As you can see, my femm name is Salina. When I was around 4yrs old, my aunt wanted to make a dress for my cousin, Carolin, but wasn't sure of the size. Well, since I was basically the same size as my cousin, I was used as the model. Of course, I don't remember any of this, but my mother told me years later that I didn't want to take the dress off. When I was 2 or 3, I was told I wouldnt go to sleep unless I could hold on to one of my mothers slips, again, I dont remember. However, at the age of nine, I was staying with my grand parents along with my younger brother. I asked my grandmother one day if I could run around in one of her slips, she said yes. My brother did also but never took to it like I did. I asked the next day if I could wear her slip again and she gave it to me. I believe that was the start of my Crossdressing. Years later, after my grandfather passed away, my grandmother came to live with us. I would try on some of her old clothes, ie: dresses, slips and skirts. I never told my parents nor my grandmother about this but it is my feeling that my grandmother may have suspected something cause she never said anything negative when I brought up the subject a couple of times about me wanting to be a girl.
At the age of 16, my mother found a long, silk, yellow night gown that I had worn to bed the night before and I tossed into my closet before going to school. She was upset and asked me if I needed psychiatric counseling. That was the last time I tried anything on for years. However, I never did loose the desire to wear dresses or skirts or even lingerie, even thru my college days or while in the military. Everytime I see a woman with a really nice skirt or dress on, I would wish I could wear one like that and what it would look like on me? While driving one day, I saw a women walking down the street with a nice red dress on, my girlfriend, who was with me told me to stop looking . I told her that I wasn't looking at her, I was admiring the dress she had on, but of course, she didn't believe me, to bad to, cause I told her the truth. Anyway, had I known then that what was really going on, that down inside of me, I was a Crossdresser, it would have made things a lot easier on me now. For I would have told my wife before we were married that I was a Crossdresser instead of 24yrs later when I realized it. I thought back before I met my wife that it was a phase and of course, CDing was a big Taboo then. Anyway, around my last 3 years in the military, I started trying on some of my wifes things (secretly) , mostly slips and skirts. Then after retirement, the feeling of dressing got stronger and so did the feeling of wishing I had been born female. It wasn't untill I was 50 that I told my wife I wanted to Crossdress, She didn't understand, of course, but was willing to give it a try, cause she loved me. Here is where I think I messed up? I got hit by the 'pink fog' thing and it eventually got to much for her. She never really approved of it since and to this day does not like it, she even hates it. So after these past ten years, the only time I can really get Dressed is when she will be gone for the day or out of town (which is really rare). All I can do now is underdress and do so in such a way that she wont notice. I have some skirts and blouses and heels stashed away for when she wont be around for the day, but otherwise, I only underdress. I have no desire to transition, eventhough I still wish I could have been born female and even though I love to Dress and feel feminin. Maybe one day I will be able to dress as often as I want and in a manner that I want, and look and be the woman I would like to be, but not right now. Well, thats pretty much my story. Thanks for listening.
Hi Salina,
Welcome,Thanks for posting your story.You are not alone.If you stay here long enough you will probably read similar stories.I have,and they do help me,some i read over again when i was feeling down.I have also pondered the past and wondered what my life would be like now had i taken a different path.I can't change it,that is for sure.I just tell myself i did the best that i could with the information that i had, witch was almost none.Well we are here now, susans is a wealth of information,advice.support,whatever you need.
Glad you're here, Salina.
Your story is one of the most common transgender stories I've heard: one of self-oppression. While family, society and so forth may have prompted you, the real reason you didn't fulfill your desires from early in life is that you came to carry their oppression inside you. It happens all the time. The fact is, there are probably more self-oppressed people in our society than otherwise, whether it's about crossdressing, sexual orientation or even artistic expression. In that way, you're probably in the majority.
The only advice I can give is to do what I did. Dump the baggage. Starting today, accept yourself, learn to enjoy who/how you are and only look toward the future. Forget about what might have been. You've got X years to go in life, but as long as you have a future, you can change things. Live for right now, say to hell with what people think and have fun. Life is too short for anything else.
Welcome Salina, Yes a lot of our stories are similar. My wife died about 4 years ago and my dyshoria came back very strong and getting stronger. I see a VA psychologist and she encourages me accept myself and my feelings. It helps with counseling.
Hi Salina,
I love to read you posts and find that they fits me to a "T". We seem to have so much in common, our wife's feeling, purging, etc. but we always come back. Sometimes I wish I could have been caught but not sure by who lol. So, I have my lingerie stashed in the basement out of sigh of my wife but still have the need to crossdress. So, hang in there my friend :). I wish you a pleasant weekend.
Hugs,
Jean
Your story has so many similarities to mine. When I was 12 my aunt was making a dress for my cousin. My cousin was away and my aunt had me put on the dress to see the length as I was the same size and height as my cousin. She had me do that a few times afterwards for various dresses and skirts she made for my cousin when my cousin was not home. She would ask if I minded, of course I couldnt tell her that I loved it. Since the end of my marriage I have been able to indulge my femme side so much more. I have been out dressed once and hope to change that to going out dressed on a regular basis.
I really loved reading your entrance into this awesome lifestyle. While my history is quite different, to this day I still wonder why my parents didn't say anything when I chose to wear a leotard and hose, instead of the male option of parachute pants(the 80's) and a t-shirt, when I signed up for an after school basic dance class when I was about 7 or 8. Looking back on it now, I wonder why my parents were so shocked when they discovered my crossdressing about 8 years later. You would think seeing their 7 year old boy wanting to wear the "girls" dance outfit would have triggered some warning signs to them?
I also remember choosing to wear "night shirts" to bed rather than pajama pants and tops at about the same time. These "night shirts" were pajamas that were like long t-shirts. I remember them coming down to my shins. I don't remember if in the 80's this was a common trend for boys sleepwear, or if I was wearing girls pajamas, but I wore them.
Salina, if I did'n t realize that story was you're s alone , I would have sworn that was my story too !!!!!!!! I'm here to tell ALL of ya , that is ME TOO !!!!!!! Years later , I did visit a Psychiatrist. lots of good it did . I continued to dress. My folks found my clothes , beat me , threatened me , I continued to dress.
In 1968, The movie , The Cristine Jorgensen story appeared . I went , I studied the movie and returned a couple of times to see it again . In 1970, I had the opportunity to have interviewed her . I knew I was a candidate for surgery then , so did she .
Today, I'm Ellen, full time and I'm sharing my story ................ ;D
Hi Salina,
I had to pinch myself to remind me it wasn't me writing it. (even the military)
I was made to wear tights to school and boy do I wish i could relive that time again.................smiles.
Rebecca
Hi Salina
It always amazes me how similar so many of our stories are. Every one is a little different, but there is always a large amount of commonality. Far too, often, sadly, there is a history of abuse to varying extents at the hands of our parents. In fact, when I see a history that says, 'my mum bought me dresses and panties', I tend to look upon them with a bit of doubt.
If anyone cares to read them, two incidents from my life history are here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,52662.msg777757.html#msg777757 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,52662.msg777757.html#msg777757)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,104357.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,104357.0.html)
Welcome to friends who understand
Huggles
Toni-Lynn