So my friend invited me to this dinner party she is throwing. All her colleagues are coming. I've never met them. I was pleased with the invitation, until I found out that she told her colleagues that I am trans..
Would you go?
I already made up my mind about it, but I'm curious if others would go or not..
I would go, but (gently) inform your friend that you'd prefer to be the one doing the out-ing from now on.
Probably - but only to disappoint anyone who expected me to have two heads - or be in anyway outrageous... Basically I'd go as lowkey and boring as possible. No glam, no show.
Oh and afterwards I would have a serious little talk with that particular friend which would go something like this:
"if you want to remain my friend you will need to learn that I am not a performing zoo animal to be paraded for your amusement. You are in possession of privileged information about my past. I consider that it is MY right to choose who to tell, and when. So if you EVER again take it upon yourself to breath a WORD about my past to anyone without my prior permission IN WRITING then you can shove off and don't bother calling me!"
I've had the convo with one person who pulled that stunt many years ago. They made the mistake of thinking I was bluffing. I made good my threat and we are no longer friends.
Sort of from the other side but -- since she told people about you, how many of the ones she invited have backed out because you were coming? By colleagues, I presume you mean some type of professional gathering? If you have anything to relate to with them on an intelligent basis, go and shine!! We are not altogether a low level group of crazed sociopaths!!
I do like Jenny's take on the private conversation though. Outing is TACKY in EXTREME and does nothing for the one doing its social level or IQ level.
Gossipers are people that dont have much to say till they find a secret they can share.
Not much of a freind I'd say. Sorry she did this to you.
Uh, no, I wouldn't. I'd be on high alert, warning, warning, danger! At least if you are considering going, find out the detail from her about what exactly she said and how she went about it, as well as how these other colleagues took that kind of news, you certainly don't want to be walking into a party and being made a fool of or worst, and if it seems okay, well keep it as low key as possible, as rejennyrated (cool user name by the way) said, don't want to add fuel to any possible fires. Perhaps there won't be any, maybe everyone there will be respectable towards you, or the most that'll happen is questions of curiousity, or wispering off in corners somewhere about you. Maybe she didn't mean any harm in it, but this friend needs to know this isn't the kind of thing you just go around telling anybody and everybody about, just way too much ignorance and hate out there for transgenders.
I decided that I'm not going. I just don't want to do that to myself. I know she means well, but she doesn't understand the way I think. I'm trying to live my life as woman, not as trans. I'm hardly ever read as trans lately and I don't want to be looked at and treated differently by these people just because they know. Especially not now that I am starting to feel so good because of being seen as me. It's been a while since I felt so good and I really don't want to ruin the feeling. It's not one person, it's a room full of people. All watching me, observing me, making me uncomfortable. It would be too stressful and I have enough stress as it is. I stopped being open about my transition a while ago because I want 'it' to end some day. I don't need this. I'm not going and I've already told her I'm not coming and why I'm not coming.
It depends if u feel comfty about it or not. Personally, i would not attend and i would tell that "friend" of urs to keep her/his mouth shut about ur personal buisness. If shes telling that, theres no IDEA of what else she/he could be telling personal about u. I say drop her, and find a new friend.
In my current state, I would just be happy to go out somewhere as myself. I hold no illusions that I pass. So, I probably would go.
However, down the line when I do, and everyone gets to know me as the real me, then I would feel a bit betrayed for a friend to out me like that. I am sure you're friend brought it up to the others as a source of pride, that she knows this awesome girl that just so happens to be trans. However, it is easy to forget how people can be ugly. Especially toward trans people. Too many willfully ignorant people still think of us as "men in dresses".
A part of me wants to say yes. The part that likes to force myself to do things I'm too embarrassed to do, but I honestly don't know.
Quote from: tori319 on May 03, 2011, 03:41:59 AM
A part of me wants to say yes. The part that likes to force myself to do things I'm too embarrassed to do, but I honestly don't know.
That's how I would have thought a year ago. I also forced myself to do things, until I realised that I wasn't being nice to myself. Now I only do what I think is good for me. This dinner party would not be good for me.
I told my friend that I can't come and did my best to explain to her why and she understands. She had no idea that that situation would have made me feel trans and awkward instead of woman and that it wouldn't be good for me. It's difficult to explain something like this to someone who isn't transsexual, but I think she really did understand me. I'm glad we had that talk. I've known her for almost 20 years and she also told me that if I ever feel like she reminds me about my past life too much that I should tell her immediately. How sweet is that. I will have the dont-ever-out-me-again talk with her later, although she may have already realised after our talk that I don't want her to out me.