I hope I can find an answer here. My boyfriend, who I thought would be my lifelong relationship and the answer to my prayers told me he has a secret. He is turned on by dressing in stockings , heels,the whole female over the top get up. He assures me he loves me and is not gay. He says it is a stress reducer. I do not understand and do not know if I can live with it. Ever since he told me I am beginning to open my eyes to signs that I am alway the one initiate, he rarely does. I am feeling unloved, unattractive and ready to run. help educate me.
emma
Emma,
I am sure he loves you very much and enjoys your company.
Crossdressing is how something within him that will most probably not go away. Somehow he has a feminine side that is needs to be recognised. In my life I am starting to relise that Gender is not Male/Female but a sliding scale between the to extremes. There are many people in this world that are caught between the genders and your boyfriends sounds like one of them (see http://www.gendersanity.com/diagram.shtml for some more infomation).
He just needs to recognise and explore his feminine side so he can feel happy. He is still the person you love and trust - he just needs to exploxe his whole self and I hope you learn more you will be there to support him.
Wellcome to Susans. I am sure you have many question so ask away.
Alice
Hi, Emma.
I'm glad you came here to learn more about what it means to be transgendered and what 'types' of transgender people there are.
I'm also glad that he told you now instead of waiting until you were married 10 or 20 years, which was more typical of my generation.
His crossdressing is no reflection on you or on your relationship. Most crossdressers are heterosexual men who are happy in being the man in the family. Crossdressers like to visit the other gender, while (smaller number of) transsexuals need to be the other gender. Both situations arouse very strong feelings that are denied at threat to one's happiness and well being.
One big thing for you to remember is that it doesn't have to be 'your drama' unless you accept it. You can be happy and accept that it's just something different in your guy, or you can say, "I'm outta here." That choice is yours. The two of you might also benefit from exploring this with a gender counselor. See our links at <https://www.susans.org/Medical/Therapists_and_Counselors/> .
You may also want to post in our SO (Significant Other) part of forums and see what some other wives/SOs have to share.
Best wishes.
Robyn
Quote from: emma71 on January 28, 2007, 11:00:19 PM
I hope I can find an answer here. My boyfriend, who I thought would be my lifelong relationship and the answer to my prayers told me he has a secret. He is turned on by dressing in stockings , heels,the whole female over the top get up. He assures me he loves me and is not gay. He says it is a stress reducer. I do not understand and do not know if I can live with it. Ever since he told me I am beginning to open my eyes to signs that I am alway the one initiate, he rarely does. I am feeling unloved, unattractive and ready to run. help educate me.
emma
Yes being gay (a matter or orientation (who or what you are attracted to)) is different than any gender expression or gender identity issues he may have. So chances are, if he says he is not gay, he is not.
I am sure he loves you very much otherwise he probably would have never mentioned his hidden secret desires. Its the hardest thing I have ever had to tell someone.
I can understand how it may feel that he is not loving you, that he doesnt find you attractive, or that you may thing a number of things. You may also start to worry about other family and friends finding out. All of these things are normal and ok to feel. After all he has hidden a part of himself from you. First thing realize that this in no way diminishes your value, your attractiveness, or your femininity. Rather chances are this is something that he has been living with for a rather long time, since childhood possibly. Not something you have done nor caused.
You have the right not to like it, not to enjoy it, to set limits, and to even leave. And seeking education is a great step since this (crossdressing and ->-bleeped-<-) is something that has been around for a long time, just not as frequently talked about. Crossdressing is primarily a male thing. Had this been a woman wearing pants and mens clothing, it would not be an issue. There is something a little more less commonly seen of a man dressing in female attire. And finding out his limits may be what you want to know first. How far he would go. And you setting rigid limits on what and when things are acceptable to you. And what would you absolutely say no to, and what you might possibly try or be ok with.
Yes this wont go away. So you may have to at least allow opportunity to dress whether private, with you, or in public, depending on him and your limits.
You can limit a budget, times, place, intimacy, family knowledge and to prevent it from taking over too much of your lives, and keeping you comfortable.
There are a lot of men and women here partners of transgendered persons. I am sure they can shed also further insite and advice, especially on the significant other boards https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?board=26.0 which is made especially for non transgender relatives and friends. We have some great regulars with some great understanding.
You know Emma, this is something, even as a transsexual I wonder about as well.
I mean I ask myself if I would date a man that was a crossdresser. I think it would depend on the person. The main thing that worries me is that crossdressing sometimes leads to transsexualsim - and with my past I don't want to even risk that.
I also think transvestism is just a paraphelia, a sexual desire. Human beings are sexual creatures, and I think it's a mostly unremarkable part of that human condition.
Bri-lala
Quote from: Brianna on January 29, 2007, 12:25:12 AM
.... The main thing that worries me is that crossdressing sometimes leads to transsexualsim...
Bri-lala
Some would debate that you can't become TS you are born TS, that cross-dressing doesn't cause transsexualism. However having said that a cross-dresser can be TS without realizing it at first, which is what I believe you are saying. :)
Steph.
Greetings, Emma;
What you said about being the one to always initiate hit a chord with me, as that is definitely me. All of my intimate relationships were as the pursued, and that fact was HUGE data that weighed into my transition that this is what I am and that transition was the best life-path I could ever follow.
But that's me, and is provided only as an example.
Your boyfriend may, while self-identifying as male, prefer the passive role. That is okay. Now on to Emma...
Here is an opportunity for you to reexamine your perceptions of gender roles in light of -- shall we say -- a non-traditional relationship. I guess the bottom-line question is, can you both flourish in this relationship, or are there any 'needs' that might go unmet by either party?
It's my hope that your relationship fluorishes;
Karen
Hi, Emma! I just want to give you some support from one significant other to another.
My fiancee is transexual and while that might not work for everyone it works for us. Somehow, our personalities fit well together, and while there was a period of adjustment in going from traditional gender roles, we played it by ear and now we are quite comfortable with our relationship and how we each function within the relationship.
The main thing that has been the biggest help has been careful consideration of both my own and my fiancee's feelings, open and honest communication (this must go both ways) as well as improving our listening skills (this also goes both ways).
This might not sound like a big help, but it's the truth when I say that you are the only one that can know for sure what you're willing to do and not do for this relationship. If you decide to stay, you must know that like any relationship a situation can change at any time. There are no guarantees in life. Just take things step by step, but for your own good, know your own mind at all times. That way it will be you in control of you, not force-fed gender roles or societal expectations.
With this, I'll step down off my soapbox. I wish you the best, whatever it may for you.
It seems he has something along the lines of a transvestic fetish. It's pretty common (and fortunately it is a thing that's mostly harmless, as opposed to exhibitionism, sadism, and other behaviors that violate the reasonable consent of others), and as its been said already, it's probably not going to go away. Yes, he really is not gay (most are not), and he really does love you (the fact has disclosed to you this early on shows that). It is also okay for you to be the primary initiator; sex drives for men and women are both strong in their own right, and it's not like anyone else is going to know if you're the one that tends to start things.
A lot really depends on whether the two of you can come to some sort of agreement regarding each of your needs. If you can feel comfortable with him wearing some of his clothing during sex (or at least some of the time), he will probably rely less on masturbation in his outfits to supplement, and he may be more inclined to start things. You can also experiment with our devices, such as satin sheets, different positions, or anything else you want to try out; just because you try something once doesn't mean you will have to do it again. It may take some work, but if there is a contract you can reach that allows both of you to be satisfied, then you will be set. :)
Quote from: emma71 on January 28, 2007, 11:00:19 PM
I hope I can find an answer here. My boyfriend, who I thought would be my lifelong relationship and the answer to my prayers told me he has a secret. He is turned on by dressing in stockings , heels,the whole female over the top get up. He assures me he loves me and is not gay. He says it is a stress reducer. I do not understand and do not know if I can live with it. Ever since he told me I am beginning to open my eyes to signs that I am alway the one initiate, he rarely does. I am feeling unloved, unattractive and ready to run. help educate me.
emma
Dear Emma.
Of course you are confused: is he gay? does he want to be a woman 24x7? am I not feminine enough for him?
Of course you are frightened: will he want to go the whole way? have hormones and gender reassignement surgery? what will happen to the man I fell in love with? what will happen to our relationship? What would be other people reactions if they found out?
Of course you are unsure: Does he really love me? Could I cope with his strangeness? Does he desire me? If I accept it does that make me a lesbian?
And much more questions. It is only normal for you to feel and think these ways. You are being confronted by something you didn't expect. Something you have very little information about. Something that is very often mis-represented in the media for the sake of shock or titillation. If you talk to him you might find out that he had similar questions about himself. He too at some stage had to come to term with who he is.
But you have made a bold step. You have come to this site to find more, to explore, to try to understand and eventually make an informed decision about your future.
You say he was the answer to your prayers. What is it that attracted you to him? What is it that made him different from other men? Obviously he trusts you and do not want to lie to you. He took the risk to come out and face rejection, disgust or ridicule. May be your relationship must be important enough for him to take such a risk.
As a woman you can down a pair of jeans, boots and jacket, even get your hair cropped if you feel like it. You can express different moods by the way you dress. Does that make you less of a woman? If you had to always wear high heels, frilly dresses, perfect make-up and hairdo all the time, would you feel free or stressed?
So you have taken the risk too. you are honest and have come here for help. At least you both share the same courage and honesty regarding your feelings and desires.
I am so glad you choose Susan's where you can share with other Significant Others your well founded concerns. Where you will find that you are not alone asking yourself these questions and feeling the way you feel. where you can gather information and even learn from others experiences. I hope you'll find here the clarity and the answers that you need to make the right decisions for yourself.
My best wishes to both of you.
Love, light and respect
Maebh
Emma,
At one time, I thought that I was a cross dresser. I did not understand myself the feelings that I felt. I eventually did come to terms with myself... but I wrecked my family in the process. I did have a sex change operation. My wife could not deal with it. I would have happily remained with her, but it was not to be. You must have an honest conversation with him and try to assess where he and you really stand.
Cindi
Some great,honest and helpful opinions and experiences were given in this thread..All I can add is that your in my "prayers"
Hi Emma:
Please note that there are opinions in this post that may upset and/or shock some of the members.
My name is Gill and I am Steph's SO. We have been married for ovr 30 years. Steph has recently come through SRS.
What can I say to a newbie to this. My initial reaction would be to run, I can hear everyone saying "what are you talking about - you're Gill and have supported Steph through all of her trials and tribulations". For me as a woman I thought all the trials and tribulations that went with CDing and TS issues could be handled, for me it was part of my marriage. And to a certain extent they have been handled. But it was not an easy life, which many SO's can atest to. Knowing what I and many went through it may be better to leave at this early stage. There will be; tears, arguments, lines drawn, boundaries set, boundaries broken and perhaps some shame and laughter. Yes there is laughter. Keeping your sense of humour is vitally important as well. With this will also come understanding, education, getting to know yourself better than you ever thought was possible.
QuoteHe is turned on by dressing in stockings , heels,the whole female over the top get up. He assures me he loves me and is not gay. He says it is a stress reducer
Yes, this is the beginning. I applaud him that he was able to be confident and care enough about you to confide this side of him before you became more involved. It takes a lot of guts to do that - make no mistake. Ask him again about this and how far he intends to go with this. Remember he is also afraid of loosing you, but for the sake of the relationship you have to know the extent of what is happening. Knowing what and who you are dealing with is 100% of the battle.
Know that if you decide to leave does not mean that you do not support him, only that you cannot live with this.
Now I hope I haven't scared you off completly - but I am learning to become brutally honest with myself and others regarding what it is like living with someone who is TS. I know that you said your BF was CD, but for me CD led to TS.
If you decide to stay, educate yourself on what is involved. Keep the communication lines opened. Remember if you aren't talking then issues are not getting resolved. So it is vitally important that those communication lines remain open. Dont be afraid to say what is on your mind, don't feel like you always have to give in and be pressured into being the one that has to give in.
I am truly glad that you have found Susan's. Don't be afraid to vent, laugh and share with us. And like I said I hope that I haven't scared you off.
Gill
Quote from: Gill on January 30, 2007, 12:00:50 PM
Ask him again about this and how far he intends to go with this. Remember he is also afraid of loosing you, but for the sake of the relationship you have to know the extent of what is happening. Knowing what and who you are dealing with is 100% of the battle... I know that you said your BF was CD, but for me CD led to TS.
I second this, because although he does sound like a "classic" crossddresser (if there is such a thing), the one thing that worried me was:
Quote from: emma71I am beginning to open my eyes to signs that I am alway the one initiate, he rarely does.
This is most likely simply due to an overindulgence in autoerotica, but it also may be a sign that he's not comfortable in the male sexual role... which leads to deeper issues than simply a desire to wear women's clothing.
Talk to him. He's probably terrified of losing you right now, but you both need to be open and honest about your needs and wants right now.
Kate
I am going through the same thing and am hoping for some advice. My boyfriend came out to me fully about 2 months ago. (We have only been together for about 7 months now.) At the middle of our relationship, he started wearing women's panties and pajama's and I wasnt sure how to take it, but I just brushed it off thinking that it was as far as it was going to go, but it only has escalated. I saw him fully dressed in December for the first time. Then I tried to talk to him about it shortly after and he blew up on me, so I figured it wasnt going to happen again, so I stopped researching and trying to understand, but little did I know he never stopped. Come to find out that he has an alternate myspace page for her and has joined a message board like this for her. We had a talk a little while ago and I told him I would support him and was hear for him. That was about a month ago and now I feel so confused and feel so much pain. He thinks I am this amazing girlfriend, but to be honest, I dont how much more I can take and it breaks my heart so much. I feel like I did fall out of love with him that day, like I love him, but I am not in love with him and it breaks my hurt. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? I cry all the time about this. I dont know what to do and I feel so lost and confused and hurt. I was hoping to find some advice from others who have been in this situation.
emmy274
My view of life says that you cannot be wrong for feeling the way you do. It is, in my opinion, as simple as that.
But please note that I am not in that situation, my former fiancée and I parted ways amicably solely because she wanted a man and it turns out that I am not.
I am not one for running to the hills screaming because my partner does or is something I do not like but there are valid reasons to part ways none the less.
Um, I think the best advice is to say talk to your friend. See what they want in life and see if that matches what you want in life.
I hope it turns out well...
Dear Emma,
It is very difficult to understand what is driving someone to do what they are doing. I would start, as you have done, with talking. Perhaps it is possible for you to go together for some counciling. The feelings that you are feeling are very deep, bringing into question sex gender life roles and interactions. Don't stop questioning or talking. If the other person can;'t talk about it, it is incumbent on them to get the help they need to do so. You do have a right, being an equal partner in the relationship to say stop, slow down until you are comfortable with how life is proceeding. It takes both to make or break the relationship. I wish you well with understanding, and support.
Hugs
Jodi
Hi Emma274:
Thank you for posting this. I can remember my first post to a group about all that had been happening in my life. Keep the secret was my job in life and to finally let the cat out of the bag was shear relief. Knowing that there were "others" out there who felt like me.
QuoteThat was about a month ago and now I feel so confused and feel so much pain. He thinks I am this amazing girlfriend, but to be honest, I dont how much more I can take and it breaks my heart so much. I feel like I did fall out of love with him that day, like I love him, but I am not in love with him and it breaks my hurt. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?
I understand completely. We have all these emotions and thoughts going on around inside of us. If we let loose with what is going on inside we will hurt this person forever. So we hold our tongues hoping for the inner voices to calm down. You are not wrong for feeling this way - it's normal. You are being faced with nothing like you have ever experienced before.
Yes we probably do fall "out of love" with this person and that too is normal. Remember that this happens in all relationships and not just TS ones. Its okay. It doesn't mean that you don't support this person only that you can't live with this type of relationship, and I have said that many times. Though this may be hard for your bf to understand. He may see this as "great I've told her my secret and now she doesn't want to have anything to do with me".
It's hard and there are no easy answers. Keep talking to us, to him. Communication is the key.
Thanks again for posting.
Gill
Quote from: emmy274 on February 03, 2007, 08:54:40 AM
I feel like I did fall out of love with him that day, like I love him, but I am not in love with him and it breaks my hurt. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? I cry all the time about this. I dont know what to do and I feel so lost and confused and hurt. I was hoping to find some advice from others who have been in this situation.
emmy274
When my ex fience called everything off the Love but not inlove line was used.... She put off breaking up for months and hit me with it at the worst possable time. It was very hard, and so far as I knew we had a great loveing relationship (though I knew something wasnt quite right).... We still talk, were still friends... though it took allot of time to heal. My advice is to be as honest as possable and keep on talking... if you want to make it work, it can, if you dont then be honest about that too...
Wow, thank you all so much for taking the time to show such love and support. I am shocked at the responses, I did not think I would get one! I am still in a little bit of shock, and must admit I am still pretending this does not exist, except I know it does . Someone said we do not keep secrets, secrets keep us. I have been tested many times in life, this one has thrown me for a loop.
To look at "Sam", he is big and handsome, joyful and is a teddy bear. I do however see his guard down and notice femine traits at times. I am so attracted to him in so many ways, but honestly, picturing him a dress and wig is the furthest thing from appealing to me.
I guess I have to figure this out in time. We've had some good talks about it, but I told him I do not want to see him in anything feminine.
I am rambling. Thankyou all. I will take the time to read each one. Thankyou.
Emma
Emma, chances are that you will never be able to deal with this. You are a brave person to face it head on and question. The fact that you have posted here speaks volumes for your integrity and desire to do the right thing.
With that said, you may find it best for your life, to part as friends. Please don't commit yourself to a relationship in which you can not be happy. That is what is best for both of you.
Chin up,
Cindi
hiya emma71
My girlfriend came out to be a few months ago. I had met a guy and feel in love with hi and than I find out that he is really a female. I was hurt, confused and not sure what I would do. That was until I did some thinking on what really mattered to me and how I felt in regards to her. I did not fall in love with a guy as I feel in love with the person. That person just happened to be female.
To me as long as you are honest with yourself and each other and talk things through if it is mean to be it will be.
Emma
I think I write for a number of us at Susan's Place when I acknowledge our hearts go out to you and your boyfriend as you muddle through a difficult time in your lives.
Even as I am a mtf transsexual still struggling with my identity and fighting even myself and alternately reconciling or not who I am with the norms of society -- know so many of us here understand the struggle going on between your head and your heart. There, too, is a bombardment of too many unanswered questions you are dealing with in your own mind on a topic so new to you. For many decades many of us had a similar dilemma -- reconciling our hearts and our head and what "others" -- society -- expected us to be.
You have an added question in wondering, I would guess, whether this has anything to do with your own femininity -- It certainly does not -- or your own ability to be attractive in a female way to someone who loves women's clothes -- It certainly has nothing to do with your own attractiveness -- and everything to do with one person liking the clothes of the opposite gender. PERIOD.
Your boyfriend took a courageous step into honesty when he revealed to you his most vulnerable secret. He clearly did not want to lie to you (by omission, if nothing else) and I would suggest he has a very deep love for you as noted by laying himself vulnerable to you and your impressions. It was a long time for me before I "got honest" with the one I love -- and that is worse than the issue itself.
You will not know which way to turn for a while and I would offer let time take its course. Lay down some rules that work for you (even if your comfort level improves as you understand it better, they can be amended if you so decide) and spend much time talking and researching and asking as many questions as you can think of ...
In this world, it is difficult to identify those who truly love and if you think your relationship is that important to you -- than kick back ... take the time necessary to work it through in your own mind -- and if a comfort level emerges ... good ... if not, than you will make some decisions that work for you. Your boyfriend must permit you this "working through it" time and he must not "get in your face" as so many of us tend to do when we are set free from our own self appointed prison of secrets.
I have mentioned in another post that too many of us in the gender community -- once set free -- tend to be too selfish and self-absorbed as we experience the coming out -- so a word to your boyfriend ... give Emma time and she may through greater knowledge and understanding be your biggest supporter but if you "get in her face" too much about your cross dressing or if you are not totally honest, you invite the end of your relationship. Be cool, dude. You may be surprised over time.
Good luck, Emma. You are in our thoughts.