Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've thought about this a little bit, just curious what you guys think. What if your lover didn't want anyone to know, would you have a problem?

I think personally, I wouldn't mind, because I wouldn't want to tell any of them either. It seems like it would just cause problems. But there's just something about it..... Idk

It was never anything discussed with the ex's family...hell, even her kid did not know my history and the kid lived in the house. 

IMO, it is not something that is relevant any more than it would be to discuss any other non-terminal medical condition that has been remedied. 

My wife doesn't want any of her family to openly know about either of us.

They are really old fashioned and just wouldn't understand. And, she loves them to bits. After 30 years, I feel the same as she does.

None of them are fools, of course, they all know what both of us are like really. But I thnk they prefer the illusions.

I'm in this situation too. I don't care if they know or don't know, with one exception (he's violent).

I'm going to be quite obviously a girl in time, so they can go to he** with whatever they think. I actually like most of them too, I swear!

My medical history is not information that is needed for them to know unless it effects them, which it doesn't.  So there is no need to tell.  We also live in a different state then both of our families, so no issues save for the weekly when are you two going to have kids call from his mom.

If you are transitioned and you pass I would see no issue keeping your secrets.

Now if we are talking about a person who is just coming out and is in the process of transition I would be very upset if my lover wanted to keep me in the closet.

Only my immediate family, some friends and my Husband of course knows my history, its not an issue, it seldom  discussed, my Husband's family doesn't know, having kids is not an issue, at my age lol, my Husband's sister who was my bridesmaid at our wedding doesn't know my history.
My Brother's children nieces and nephews have no idea, although I think my eldest nephew knows but never mentions it, to them Im just their Aunt Pauline, I transition long before they where born and before my brothers married, well over 30years, 26years post op this year, Im now longer living as a woman in my entire life, its not an issue, I seldom think about it.
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I've never really given it much thought. I'm single atm, so I think it would depend on the circumstances: the seriousness of the relationship, their relationship with their family, my relationship with their family, etc. If these are people we're going to be spending a lot of time with, I don't know how comfortable I'd be long-term. It could also depend on the reason they don't want anyone to know. Are they embarrassed they're not with a cis person? Or do they just have a family of bigots? If they don't want anyone to know to honor my wishes, that's one thing. But I think if my partner was the one who wanted to keep my condition a secret, it would leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Meeting someone post-transition as opposed to transitioning within a relationship makes a difference here as well.

My mom knows and she's been completely and 100% accepting.  My grandma knows as well and she's been reluctantly lukewarm.  Dad's side of the family...not so much, but it doesn't matter to me honestly.  The only person whose opinion really matters to me in any way is my mom because she's pretty much my best friend.  She's been a hell of a lot more supportive than my SO's biological parents.

In the future, with a different s.o. They won't have a choice. I have a child.

I'm honestly not sure. I'd be angry to find out that they didn't want ANYONE to know I was a guy. I'm not out to everyone and have never came out to my significant other's family. I know they would react terribly (or at least his father would, whom he lives with) and would punish him because of me. I'd rather save him all the trouble and not tell his family. Depending on the reason for them not wanting their family to know, I could either be angry or understand.

For me, my wife's history is exactly that - HERS.  She can decide if she wants to tell someone or not.  It's not my place to dictate what she does, it's her choice.  Whatever she does, my role is to support her as she goes through life -- just as she supports me.

If I have issues with someone knowing, that's *my* problem and isn't something she should have to deal with.  She should get to be who she wants to be.  That's love -- wanting to see your mate living the life of her dreams, and doing everything I can to make those dreams happen.  Love is not self-serving.  Love always trusts.  And love wants what is best for the other.

yeah id have a problem with it....i am a straight female never dating anything but guys so when when i told my family about my partner being ftm (and the reason i even said that in the first place is because i didnt want anyone to be misunderstood and think we were lesbians cuz we are not) i let them know at that time to either take it or leave it...they knew from the beginning this was who i was spending my life with it and i dont care what they thought about it and if they had a problem with it or whenever they did say something rude, which wasnt too many times, they would see a side of me they never saw before. neither one of us has to deal with any lip from anybody now. but that goes for anybody- people used to stare at her when we would go somewhere i would eyeball them up and down and when i did that they found something else to look at... i never have been confrontational type, ive always been shy and inadequate but when it comes to my baby i wish somebody would say something about my boo-and this stands whether we are together or not....or maybe im just a bitch like that lol

My SO definitely has a few immediate family members in the area that I wouldn't want to know, but if things proceed that direction I don't see how they wouldn't eventually have to find out.  Her parents, step-parents, siblings, half-siblings, and step-siblings all live within several square miles of us.  I think most of the ones I see regularly wouldn't care, but a few worry me.  My own family is more easily avoided because they're spread out all over the place.

I am single, more of less.  I do have a girlfriend, but we are in two different country.  I seriously doubt her family would have any problems with it, they already know about trans issues.

If I was truly involved with someone who did not wish their family to know of my past, that would be OK if I was treated as the woman I am.  If my SO treated me differently ( read ashamed, distant, etc. ) I would be having serious thoughts about the relationship.  Their family does not need to know my past.

As an SO myself, I always leave that decision (whom to come out to) to my boyfriend! Nobody else has the right to make that call.

Like most people have said here, I would ask: What is the exact *reason* your SO wants to hide your history? And how does your SO's reasoning make you feel?

In our example, we've informed (or not informed) my family members on a case-by-case basis. An aunt who is very progressive and has had trans friends, was told right off the bat. It felt good to have someone inside my family understand. Next, my mom was told but only after she'd gotten to know him a couple of times, so that she could think of him as a full complex person instead of as a caricature (that she might make up in her head) with TRANS stamped on his forehead.

Currently, no one else knows. We might tell others, might not. I have a sibling who is not a bigot himself, but lives in extremely bigoted ranch country (I know, I grew up there!), and I don't trust him not to "talk." All it takes is one extreme person, to compromise my partner's safety. Maybe I am being paranoid, but, yes I do fear for his safety a bit in that situation, so I told him I was against telling that sibling, for now. In a safety situation, not only the trans partner but also the SO could be endangered. So where serious bigotry from the SO's family is involved, I say the question of how much to be "out" should be a joint decision.

Elizabeth A.

In our experience, people have been less understanding (Im gay mum with bi m-f and younger adult child who also feels same way, recently confided.) about the trans issue than gay issues. I told my brother straight off I liked women! Thats the thing, I think you know who will be instantly understanding and who wont. Its normal not to want to tell some people. Some have, in our experience, ranged from being uncomfortable with it to being downright prejudiced and offensive. Its a shame and often about ignorance and misunderstanding on the part of others. I spend a whole lot of time explaining to friends and family members, sometimes scientifically about what happens, why it happens, and why their loved one isnt "Doing it on a whim, going through a phase or doing it to annoy them"!!!  If that doesnt work, I usually throw my hands up and say, "Just google it will you, do the research, like I did, you might learn something!
Love n hugs to all, Jan x 

[quote  IMO, it is not something that is relevant any more than it would be to discuss any other non-terminal medical condition that has been remedied.
quote]

Medical condition? Ive never heard it been described as such by a trans person before. May I ask why you consider this a medical condition?

In response to the question, I see really no reason to tell people my gender because its really a moot point particularly after my transition is complete. Simply because you dont see a male doesn't mean Im not. HOWEVER, that is a fantastical way of looking at this and really isn't the way I can realistically live. I figure my parents should know, my gf, and my closest friends (I have no siblings) and no one else. Everyone else is too much of a risk of getting hurt in some way or another.

In my situation, I came out to my wife's family before my own.  I felt that they would be very accepting, for she has an Uncle and an Aunt who are gay (besides my wife needed people to talk to about this, especially at first).  I was validated in doing so, for they have embraced me, and are a large basis of my support system.  My family has been less embracing of it so far... 

If she would have wanted that no one know, I would have crawled back into my shell. 

Had I transitioned before meeting someone, I don't see any reason that it is any of their business.

As much as I would love for it to be a possibility I think at some point in a long term relationship it's going to come up some way or another. Unless you lie about your past someone is going to want to see pictures of you when you were young or ask why you can't have children or something else random and unpredictable.
I've always wished I could be stealth and just avoid family and not put myself in situations where I'd have to answer a question that could expose my past. But I think these days it's just a really differcult ideal to maintain. Imagine you made it five years in and then someone found out.. and the ->-bleeped-<- hit the fan... all that time and love and network of people possibly jeopardised because one or two people might feel betrayed and then convince others that you are a trickster or something equally as ridiculous yet nothing you say can change their stubborn ways.
IF I found someone who has little contact with their family then that would be great as I'm not hugely into family gathering as it is... there is enough awkwardness on the home front to worry about another family. Plus you could go through ten families and partners before finding one that is accepting. Sucks but for me right now I don't want to worry about it until the time comes... hopefully I'll find someone who is perfect! Maybe just one or two other family members that are down to earth and are very open minded.
I think this is an issue for anyone regardless of who they are, acceptance of the family of a partner, if a mother or father doesn't like their childs partner it can be enough to affect a relationship and make it turn sour, I experienced that with my first partner and last partner. First was before I came out and last was when I had come out.

It is so easy to do a detailed search on a person with the internet and a savvy investigator. The era of stealth and woodworking is over. Only those of us who transition in childhood have any hope of being deep stealth. Even then true stealth is not a guaranty.

Anyways...
With a real chance at being discovered, I would suggest that one disclose. I personally do not think it is any ones business. And in a more perfect world it would only be useful information to our doctors. But unfortunately we do not live in that world and being discovered years into a relationship would be the death bell for most relationships. Yes there are people who are decent enough for that not to matter but they are few and far between.

Even those who have gold star passing privilege have the real risk of being outed hovering over their heads. Lame but it is the way of things.

It is a real messed up dilemma. We want to be seen as the woman we are and accepted as so, but this society has allot of hang ups....

In a way I am kinda pleased that I will not have to worry about this. I will never be in another relationship as I am with Sevan. If I loose hir somehow I will not look for or accept another mate in my life. Sevan is a hard act to follow and I have HIV. I will not be with anyone who I do not know for a fact has the same strain of HIV I have. I do not feel it would be ethical to knowingly put a lover at risk for infection with HIV. A one night stand with condoms,... maybe, as the risks are almost non existant with safe practices and condoms, but a regular sex life and daily living risks that come with cohabitation I couldn't deal with. I get so paranoid whenever I accidentally cut myself for anyone near me when it happens. I can't deal with worry for a mate on a daily basis.
Also. I simply do not pass. I am outed in seconds just because of age and a lack of give a damn...If someone doesn't know I am trans just by looking at me, ...... huh stupid does run deep in their family. LOL

Anyways.
JMHO