So today was the end-of-semester celebration thingy that three university departments do twice a year (including the department I worked for). They recognize graduating students, give awards, certifications, you get the picture.
It came time for our department (tutoring) to do the recognitions. Earlier in the week I saw what my boss' admin was putting together and asked specifically for my birth name to be removed and my current name put in its place. I was assured that the paper was only for our boss. Well, it turns out the paper was for our boss... to read verbatim as she called out recognitions to tutors leaving the center. Sure enough, my name never got changed. And despite going as Zoë for the past two and a half months in the office (my boss knew this), she still called me up under my old name and then my new one as if I was my own Siamese twin.
So I was really embarrassed (I was wearing a pretty peacock blouse and black skirt, along with the new heels I bought last night) but still walked up and stood in front of the audience of about 75, nearly 60 of whom I didn't know. As I stood in the spotlight, my boss used my birth name three more times. I felt like sinking into a damn hole right then and there. I felt pretty when I went to the event, but standing there as my boss used my male name repeatedly, I felt grotesque, ugly, and male. I was furious and wanting to cry all at once. At the end of the event, about 15 minutes later, I waited until everyone cleared out before having the nerve to even stand up from my seat. I played Angry Birds so I wouldn't even have to make eye contact with anyone.
Everyone in the office goes through state-mandated sensitivity training twice a year, but I guess everyone glosses over the trans etiquette... all I know is that it was a hell of a way to remember the last day of a job I've loved for 3.5 years. :icon_sadblinky:
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I called up a friend of mine as soon as I got back to my car, and together we went for margaritas (mind you, I drink maybe once a year). Talking to her, I realized that nobody can strip me of my femininity, I can only let someone take it. I thought of all the passing successes I've had lately and allowed myself to feel confident and pretty again. This was the first time I've ever been so publicly outed and I needed that lesson just in case it ever happens again.
What your boss did was very unethical and she should be reprimanded >:(
I'm glad that you have the self awareness and fortitude to bounce back from such a rude and embarrassing display of bitchy ignorance
Hugs
- Virginia
There is just no excuse for what happened. I would have refused to go up at the call of my birth name.
Quote from: Virginia M on May 06, 2011, 07:26:48 PM
What your boss did was very unethical and she should be reprimanded >:(
I'm glad that you have the self awareness and fortitude to bounce back from such a rude and embarrassing display of bitchy ignorance
Hugs
- Virginia
What Virgina said is so true.
QuoteI realized that nobody can strip me of my femininity, I can only let someone take it.
I thought of all the passing successes I've had lately and allowed myself to feel confident and pretty again.
This was the first time I've ever been so publicly outed and I needed that lesson just in case it ever happens again.
Zoe, what you say here are three truths indeed. Still I feel for you :(
I'm so sorry that happened to you Zoe. I really really am. You're a lot stronger than I would have been, I would have probably not even gone up, and if I did, after the repeated use of the male name I would have left bawling my eyes out. Just the thought of it puts a knot in my stomach.
Again, I'm so sorry that had to happen to you. *hugs* you are very pretty and an amazing person!
I would be complaining to her boss, or their boss, or the bosses boss. But then I am just that kind of :icon_omfg:
Reminds me of the time several I.D. ago when I was at a DMV getting my I.D. renewed, and clearly my new name was printed on the paperwork, and I had given them all of the required documentation for the name change, therapist letter stating that I'm transgender, and a few other things, but the jerks called me up by my old name, "Michael Roberts", one which I hadn't used for years. It was very embarrassing being so very crowded at this DMV, hundreds of people lined up or sitting around awaiting their turn for whatever reason each were there. I was so reluctant to go up there, but had to, and not only did they call me up wrong but failed to change my name for the new I.D. so I had to explain everything to them and they had to reprint me up another one. I couldn't wait til I got out of there, I felt all eyes were on me, and not in a good way, like "ooh, she's really hot" or something like that. My nerves were really messed up that day.
Quote from: Janet Lynn on May 06, 2011, 08:27:55 PM
I would be complaining to her boss, or their boss, or the bosses boss. But then I am just that kind of :icon_omfg:
Rip 'em a new lol.
What an ignorant, stupid biatch! >:( Sorry you had to endure an embarrassing moment when it should have been a joyous occasion. :)
I've come to realise for every kind, considerate, rational human being, there are a dozen inconsiderate, mean, ignorant ***holes opening their traps to leave no doubt of their stupidity! I hope she feels bad but something tells me, I think not. ::)
I wouldn't have gone up there, I would have had to at least registered my protest by making her stand there like an idiot.
So sorry that you were made to feel awful on a day that should have had happy memories.
What a :icon_censored:
That is incredibly unprofessional. To parade you around like that in front of colleagues and strangers like that is not just offencive it's borderline discrimination, especially after the specific request to alter the paper. I say, Ehem* Rip that Frelling Getzaga a new Da'shiong bao'jah'shr duh la'doo'tze and shove that dren away. Ehem*
It's strange to hear of so many people in public that seem to do this, it's like they just don't understand how it affects the person they are dealing with, or just deliberately do it as a form of expressing hate.
So many times, mostly early on in transition even for doctors that deal with transitioners all the time couldn't deal with name changes properly and would need to be reminded or have to go back and have receipts etc reprinted. OR they'd put both names together next to each other >___< stupidity. The scariest part is... they're breeding! 0__0
Thank you all so much for the lovely responses and support! *HUGS* all around! :icon_hug:
The thing is, I know my boss (and her admin) didn't do this purposely or with intent to cause me distress. They both expressed that they would find any legal means necessary to keep me in my job, but none exist. Both the conditions of employment and the terms of post-graduation employment are legislated by the state. I'm lucky to have come out at this job, gone full time at this job, and been so fully embraced and loved by my coworkers and bosses. My boss' admin is gay and has been a great for helping me find LGBT resources around town. My boss herself is a feisty Vietnamese woman who cares for each of her employees like children. If she noticed anything out of sorts with us, she was the first with a kind word and an offer of support.
What happened today was a case of ignorance, though I'm 100% sure it wasn't willful. This semester has been confusing because my legal name change hasn't gone through (about two months left until it gets finalized) and so all official documents had to have my legal name. Even the list of when we tutors were concluding our sessions for the semester was official, but since it wasn't related to payroll, they at least put both my male and female names on there... I hated it, but the law is the law, and they did what they could for me. Where they dropped the ball, like today, was knowing that UNOFFICIAL documents could have simply used my female name. The admin could have written the departing-tutors fact sheet (what my boss read from) with just my female name instead of the "male (female)" thing they did on all official documents.
Today's events were tangible evidence that, even at the state level in a liberal metropolitan environment on a fairly liberal campus, sensitivity training for trans issues has a long way to go. I said it in another post last week: before I came out, I had to bite my tongue not to laugh at some of the trans misrepresentations imparted by the gay LGBT-issues presenter for that particular training session. Today, I reaped the fruit of my silence, and I feel like a fool because of it. Was this a wake-up call? Most certainly. I had every opportunity in the past to question and correct what was being said in training, but the fear of outing myself back then was more salient. Now my coworkers all know I'm trans, but my past cowardice caught up with me this afternoon.
I may will go back to the office and inform them about this, kindly and with patience. I'll do it so that, in case someone else comes out in the future at that job, they won't have to deal with what I just experienced.
Zoe, you deserve a damn medal for not flipping ->-bleeped-<- and dealing with that so gracefully. Seriously, I don't know what I would've done, but it would've ended badly.
zoe...... let me appologize for that piece of ignorance. here are my sugestions for this if it ever happens again and god i hope it dosnt,
1. correct them imeadiately on the way to the podium make sure your face conveys the displeasure you feel.
2. if it happens again in the same event this tells you too things
A. the person is intollerant and dosnt care about the facilitys policies towards sensitivities and
B. dosnt deserve your respect either so with that in mind
3. this takes a lot of courage to do.... face the audience acept the award or whatever and in your speach adress the wrong he committed.
i would say Mr. so and so knows that i am transgendered and also is aware that i go by zoe my new legal name. He in his ignorance has attempted to embararress me and i want him to know it has failed. maybe at the next sensitivities meeting he will try to pay more attention.
thank you,
at least then you will gain the admiration of some and more importantly you have one uped the ass in front of his collegues forcing him to appologize or look stupid to the audience.
hugs hun
jessi
They used to do that to me at Family Court. An admin would come in to the crowded waiting room and call both names.
I'd strand and leave the room with all eyes on me.... I'd really be rattled by the time I got into the court room.
The legal guardian finally put an end to that (thank god) and eventually the judge was dis-barred (for other things as well).
Reading that brought back the anxiety I used to feel. But. I was in front of strangers and you were infront of people you would see every day.
Sorry, have a cyber hug! *HUG*
Quote from: Janet Lynn on May 06, 2011, 08:27:55 PM
I would be complaining to her boss, or their boss, or the bosses boss. But then I am just that kind of :icon_omfg:
haha Reminds me of what I would do ;)
Zoe, you are so amazing! I think I would have run out in tears. Thanks for showing us how to handle this with poise.
Big hugs!
Oh my god! I don't know what I would've done. My face would have turned bright red like it always does and hunch over clenching my teeth. Probably would have ran out! I don't know how you kept it together, but mad props to you!
Quote from: Maddie Secutura on May 06, 2011, 07:32:03 PM
There is just no excuse for what happened. I would have refused to go up at the call of my birth name.
This.
Quote from: JungianZoe on May 06, 2011, 07:02:30 PM
So today was the end-of-semester celebration thingy that three university departments do twice a year (including the department I worked for). They recognize graduating students, give awards, certifications, you get the picture.
It came time for our department (tutoring) to do the recognitions. Earlier in the week I saw what my boss' admin was putting together and asked specifically for my birth name to be removed and my current name put in its place. I was assured that the paper was only for our boss. Well, it turns out the paper was for our boss... to read verbatim as she called out recognitions to tutors leaving the center. Sure enough, my name never got changed. And despite going as Zoë for the past two and a half months in the office (my boss knew this), she still called me up under my old name and then my new one as if I was my own Siamese twin.
So I was really embarrassed (I was wearing a pretty peacock blouse and black skirt, along with the new heels I bought last night) but still walked up and stood in front of the audience of about 75, nearly 60 of whom I didn't know. As I stood in the spotlight, my boss used my birth name three more times. I felt like sinking into a damn hole right then and there. I felt pretty when I went to the event, but standing there as my boss used my male name repeatedly, I felt grotesque, ugly, and male. I was furious and wanting to cry all at once. At the end of the event, about 15 minutes later, I waited until everyone cleared out before having the nerve to even stand up from my seat. I played Angry Birds so I wouldn't even have to make eye contact with anyone.
Everyone in the office goes through state-mandated sensitivity training twice a year, but I guess everyone glosses over the trans etiquette... all I know is that it was a hell of a way to remember the last day of a job I've loved for 3.5 years. :icon_sadblinky:
------------------
I called up a friend of mine as soon as I got back to my car, and together we went for margaritas (mind you, I drink maybe once a year). Talking to her, I realized that nobody can strip me of my femininity, I can only let someone take it. I thought of all the passing successes I've had lately and allowed myself to feel confident and pretty again. This was the first time I've ever been so publicly outed and I needed that lesson just in case it ever happens again.
i'd definately confront the admin and let them know how pissed off you are.
Thanks to everyone else who's responded! :) This whole ordeal is still bugging me a bit, but I'm on the verge of shedding it and moving on. Saturday was incredibly positive, not only because of some potential job leads, but because it showed me that stupid things people do can't really drag me down. I can pick up, dust off, and do good things in life.
And you know what? We all can. :eusa_dance:
And besides... You got Kiwi Love :) Cute lil' critter... What else do you need?
Good on ya for moving forward
Hugs
- Virginia