I think i'm lucky, but i'm not sure..
I feel really strange..
I have decided to transition and told my mom yesterday. I don't live with her, so it's easier but I was over at her house and sat her down and let her know what's up.
She seemed to just want to see me happy, and accepted it after asking some good questions, but the whole time afterward she was quite emotional. My mom doesn't really like to reveal her emotions too much, but I feel like i am hurting her.
I'm not sure how I feel about dragging others into my gender dysphoria, and the pain i've felt all this time. I know it's important, but I can tell my mom feels bad for me. She's gone through alot recently. Alot of pain, dealing with a divorce and just other stuff has been weighing on her. I feel like i'm adding to the weight.
I know that this is normal to feel this way, and i'm aware about what's important "for me" but i really needed to get this out.
I'm also not sure how my boyfriend is taking this either. On a deep level anyway, i'm not sure. I guess in some ways this is a great thing and i understand that, but i'm starting to not like myself for possibly hurting my mom. I almost wish she would 100% reject me, is that terrible to say? Actually that isn't true.. i don't know, The uncertainty is just hard to deal with.
fyi: i've already told her in the past that i am trans.
it's just good you got it out. i've noticed it's just a natural feeling for this to be emotional. i know that even though i know who i am, i still get that rush when someone who used to know me by the male name will see my as my female self. even though i've learned to not let it phase me, and keep going. it just seems to be naturally occuring type of defense mechanism to have emotions with something new. i try to look at it as an exciting experience rather than one to be feared, because you just are finally embarking on the journey to connect with yourself like never before, so you should be excited and happy about it.
Torn,
Your mother is very like my mother when I came out to her. Same situation, but the divorce from that cad was a lot longer ago at that time. My mom was concerned that she was losing her eldest son. She accepted the situation and probably thought that I was cured to her grave after my unsuccessful appointments with my therapist (he knew little) at the time (1970's). Answer your mom's questions, but don't bother her with other information that she may not like to hear if she did not have a question on. She will ask those when she is ready. I think you mother loves you very much. Listen to her. My mom went mama bear at my fifth-grade teacher who called me a retard! I think your mom may be similar. Have faith.
Joelene