As I spill out my thoughts, things seem to get deeper and deeper. It's not as simple as I thought it would be.
Ever since I was young, i had wished I was a girl. I use to try on my mom's and sister's clothes. Imagined myself like one of them. When dressed, I tried to enact their behavior. As I got older, I started to dress under my regular clothes to get a sense of being a woman. Many times i felt guilty in what I did and at times I still do, but i just cannot live without expressing my feminine side. I tried to stop many times, but it just comes back. In my college years, I met men who treated me like a woman. At the time, it was a lovely feeling, but the guilt kept me away from them. At times, I stopped it completely but it came back in me with a vengeance. Later on I got married, and thought it would go away, but I was wrong. I started it again and frequently i imagined myself as a woman when I was with my wife in bed. At times, she made me realize i was acting weird. What I do with her in bed, although I enjoy, does not really fulfill my desires. Yes, I am attracted to women (sexually as well), but never really imagined myself as a man, rather a girl making love to another girl. and now I know why - because I am a girl deep inside.
Even though I have led my life as a successful man, it's been the girl in me that has made me a sensitive & caring person. I am not at all like the men in my family or work, rather my qualities are very similar to girls around me, at points I think even more... My last post has really helped me in putting my feelings in word.
Now, I do want to explore my life as a woman. I do want to be accepted as a woman, to be addressed as a woman. The need to be recognized as a woman is coming out in me. Until now, it's been dressing up and feeling good about myself. But, now it's not that simple. I want to alter my body to look like a woman, and have started to wish my tool just disappears. I want to work as a woman and have a man in my life who takes care of me who loves me for who I am. But, is it possible - NO! because I have a family, kids and changing myself is going to ruin what all I have worked for. This is where I need help! I have to find a way that I can do to balance both. I know it's hard and many of you are in my position. What have you done to tackle this situation? How have you handled this dilemma?
Thanks all for your support.
Natalie.
Natalie,
I have been there and felt your pain, as have many of us here.
I lived the guilt and the shame for far too long. I got to the point where I just couldn't do it any more and it seems you feel you are reaching that point yourself.
The next thing you need to do is find a therapist with experience in gender issues, or Gender Therapist (GT). The GT will help you sort out the issues in your head and help you deal with them in the manner that's best for you. We're all a little different and no one can tell you what's right for you.
There's a lot of help here and just writing out your thoughts, as you did here, can be quite theraputic. You don't have to continue to live in pain, there is help available.
Natalie, If you value your family and love your wife, then you have at some time to discuss how you feel with her. Some wives are accommodating, but it is never easy. The ideal is if you can, as some do, stay together in a partnership. Only you can do this and it takes guts to come out, but she may have suspisions. Before you do anything, you have to make your mind up whether you can live the rest of your life as a female and be realistic as to how you will appear to others as a female. Will you pass, or will you always look like a rugby forward in a frock. Acceptance depends a lot on appearance.
The way I did it was to keep my wife involved in every aspect of my transition. She went to all my counseling sessions. She attended a group session with me, she met with all my doctors and she was a part of every decision. I never tried to leave her behind in this.
Whatever you do, take your time in this and make your decisions very deliberately and slowly.do this in small managed steps to make sure whatever decision you are making is a manageable one.this isn't a race to the finish line, if you decide to do this it is a change of life.
This is where many of us get side-tracked - we get caught up in life, we try to "fit" in, we often marry and have families. In my case at least, I side-tracked dealing with this in a meaningful way until recently, and I'm 65. I gained nothing by not "maning up" (sorry, but it is an applicable phrase) and dealing with it. Of course there are fears from facing this head on: loss of your spouse, your family, your friends, your job, all these are real challenges. Joyce is right about a therapist, and right about one that has experience in gender issues. Until you face the first challenge, admitting the problem, wanting to do something about it, then doing something about it, it will eat you alive. You will be in the same position or worse, but will have used up more time, every one's. And you will still be in the exact same situation - but older.
I must envy Karynm8621; make no mistake, she is an example of the best possible outcome, with a spouse that accepts, and is fully involved. Mine mostly accepts, but reluctantly. We are still together but she wanted or wants no involvement in my process. That puts me in the middle of possible marriage outcomes.
Do not be in a hurry to make irrevacable moves before you are ready for the possibilites. But one thing is for sure, until she is involved, you do not know where you are.
Susan Kay
Hi All,
Thanks to all of you, who have taken the time to reply to my post and help in my situation. I know, the best solution would be to tell wife and see how she takes it. Well, she did catch me once dressed and to be honest, it did not come out well and it took a lot of effort from my side to clear things up. At that time, I just felt like ending it, but other people who matter to me are also involved. So, for sure she is not someone who will take this.
Sometimes, I just feel like just going away somewhere and forget everything and start a new life, but then it's taking a big step especially when I have never really experienced life as a woman. I know from inside I am a woman, but I want to explore it. I have at times and it's been a cherished moment in my life. But, i want to do it more but feel guilty that I am cheating my family. The guilt does not let me take any actions and I am back to the same place. Frustrated and hating to lead life as a man. I know, god's given me a man's body but I just feel I should have been a woman.
I do want to take time (2-3 times a week) dress and lead life as a woman. Have any one you ever lead a double life before coming out and making the transition? I need some guidance in doing so. Unforunately, there are no GTs near my area and that is making thngs even harder.
Thanks All.
Natalie
Hi Natalies,
Sorry your circumstance is so awkward. Secretive 'cross dressing' to hide your thoughts and needs from your wife will probably lead to discovery. How will you explain it then? When you decide that you cannot live with a hairy body, what will you do? As you get older your production of testosterone will decrease giving your brain another kick to want to be herself. How will you deal with that? Sorry if this is not helpful and just leads to more frustration, but you have to start thinking of what you are going to do. Many others in many threads have noted that there is no cure. There is either accept that you cannot be yourself and try and live with it, or be your self. The negative part of being in Susan's family is meeting woman who have accepted, I will qualify that by saying it is not in any way easy.
Cindy
Honey, let me ask you a question. It's something you've mentioned a few times now and I'm curious about what you mean.
What do you think you're cheating your family about? Where does the guilt come from?
You are right Cindy .. it's not at all easy.
I have been wanting to explore my innerself for many years now - at tmes i was scared, at times I felt guilty, at times I tried to stop the thought. But, at the end - it's all just piling up. The need now is more and more. I am starting to loose my concentration at other things in life because my mind is revolving around this at all times. Yes, the more I hide my innerself, the need to come out is so much more.
I have to get over the guilt feelings and go out and explore the woman inside me. Be it just once a week to start, but it needs to come out. The way I am seeing it now is - maybe because I have hid it for so many years, I just have the need to explore my inner self, and once i feel it, I may not really want it (could just have been a fantasy that needed to be lived) and I'll be happy as a man. Or, i will find true happiness in being a woman (because I feel I am leading a false life) and at that time I will choose what's best for me. Either way, I'll be happy.
Am i right in thinking like this? what do you ladies feel about it?
Natalie.
What do you think you're cheating your family about? Where does the guilt come from?
Well, my parents think of me as a man who is a good son. My wife thinks of me as a man who is there to take care of her and family's future. But, in real I am a girl from inside who feels the need to be accepted as a woman. Who needs a man to take care of her. I have met men in recent times and I feel guilty about what I have done and feel like i have cheated them. |
Quote from: natalies on May 16, 2011, 06:06:04 AM
Well, my parents think of me as a man who is a good son.
What does that mean? Being a good son?
And this:
Quote from: natalies on May 16, 2011, 06:06:04 AM
My wife thinks of me as a man who is there to take care of her and family's future.
Taking care of their future, what does that involve (I don't mean specifically, I mean more generally)?
Sorry for all the questions, I'm just interested to hear what you think. :)
thank you for helping me figure out Sephirah.
Well, I come from a conservative family where a man is a man and a woman is a woman. there's nothing in between. If there is, then it's wrong.
My parents think of me as a son, and if they find out that I am not really a man that they think of me to be, it will not go well with them and the repercussions could be severe. In terms of my wife - she looks at me like a man who is a good husband and a good father. If she finds out that I am not really a man that she thinks of me to be - it will not be good.
What I feel: Though I know deep down inside i am a woman (just saying that makes me happy), I have not really explored it. At times, I feel it's only a feeling that will go away, but these days it just seems to pile up and get worse and worse. And because of the guilt that is in me, I am not able to explore it. I feel that it's time I have to let it out and figure out what i really am. Either way, it's going to be a positive thing for me.
thanks again for your support.
Natalie.
Okay, last questions from me, and they're not ones you have to answer, but more something for you to think about.
These images that those close to you have built of you. Do you believe that you would be any less of a good parent to your children, or any less of a committed partner to your wife, or any less of a loving child to your parents, if you were actually a woman rather than a man?
How much of your family's view of you is based on the fact that you're a man, and how much based on the fact that you're you?
Your question got me thinking, but yes I have answer for you.
Coming from a conservative family, they love me for who I am but at the end of the day to them I am a man. As I said earlier, if you are man, you are a man - that's it. If you think you are a woman - something is wrong with you.
And if I come up to them and tell them who i am - it's like changing the complete foundation. and I know it will be unacceptable. So, if I choose the path of a woman, I have to be ready to part from everyone.
sounds harsh and rough, but unfortunately that's my reality.
Natalie.
It sounds like you believe (and probably rightly so) that your family does not or cannot separate their perception of you as a man from their perception of you as a person. Not uncommon at all. People need a framework to fit themselves within and live their lives from. Very few people are able to live with little social framework. It's a species thing.
I can't solve your situation, but can relate a bit to it. I am fairly sure I am not a woman inside, but firmly feel I am something between male and female inside. Having done the herbal breast growth thing for almost 2 years now, my exterior is now also between the two. It helps in some ways, causes problems in others. I am not so changed that anyone says anything to me, and I don't dress female in public. Well, sometimes undies underneath but not that anyone other than my wife knows about. ;-)
But with regards to family, it gets relatively simple for me. My wife is aware of my predilection for this and has known for most of the years we have been married (over 25 is all I'll say). No-one else knows as far as I know. My mother confronted me on the topic when I was early in my teen years, I denied it to her and the topic never came up again. I think she would be accepting of it, it would kill my father. My wife reluctantly accepts my unusual aspects but neither encourages or participates in it. I really can't say about my kids, they are young adults and I'm unsure of what it would mean to someone in their generation. I don't believe it would be a major issue for them as long as it didn't intrude into their lives.
That's my framework. If changing it would mean losing my wife, I would rather find a tall building and dive off it. No ifs ands or buts. I love her and our life together far more than my own life. End of story. Everyone else in my life, I could probably over time handle changing my relationship with if they were determined to change it, because in the end that is how the rest of life's relationships go imho.
I don't know if you find that supportive and helpful or not. But it's my contribution for better or worse.
Quote from: natalies on May 16, 2011, 02:53:00 AM
I do want to take time (2-3 times a week) dress and lead life as a woman. Have any one you ever lead a double life before coming out and making the transition? I need some guidance in doing so. Unforunately, there are no GTs near my area and that is making thngs even harder.
Thanks All.
Natalie
Yup, for a lot of us in transition there's a period of living dual. For me work was male and the rest of my life female until I had everything set for full-time. It messed with my head really bad going between both..
Being Trans is not a lifestyle, or a decision. It is a physiological disorder (GID). Your behaviors and actions are symptoms of this disorder, accordingly, it will never go away. I have tried on many occasions to do so myself. My boyfriend of 2 years has a life goal of starting a family, and transitioning is probably going to ruin our relationship. However, I realized that I have a problem, and I need help. I know that it's very hard, and that you love your family and success, who wouldn't? Though, I would suggest when the time is right (or when you can no longer bare the suppression) go ahead and see a counselor. Hopefully your family should understand, as it is out of your control. That's part of what annoys me about the reactions of families and parents, ext. If we were schizos or had DID or something, they wouldn't put up this kind of fight.
This may not help as much as what others have said, but according to me, the first step into determining what to do and when to do it is to see a professional. For me, at least, it was the best thing I did. I have seen a couple psychologists and a psychiatrist, but there is a big variety of people who can help you. If you live in a big city, there might even be a gender-disorder specialist therapist near you.
That being said, about your kids, family and life overall... It sure does appear to be a big dilemma and I would be in a very bad situation trying to help you through this as I don't even have a relationship I can call as such, but... The one thing I know is that some people have transitioned successfully and are happy with their spouse and children.
It is possible. Be courageous !
Quote from: natalies on May 16, 2011, 07:43:31 AMIf you think you are a woman - something is wrong with you.
But that's the thing- something IS wrong with you, and the problem is very likely not going to get any better until you address it. Ignoring it never works, it only makes it stronger. Many of us have to reach the point where finding that peace within, being cured and letting our true lights shine becomes far more important than
anything anyone else is going to think about it. This is because even if others cannot understand why or what we are doing, we know it is literally no less than trying to save ourselves from utter self-destruction. There can be no guilt or shame in that.
Your situation will be unique, and this is why finding a
good gender therapist is so important. It may be difficult to find one, in fact there's hardly anything at all easy about transitioning your entire life, because EVERYTHING will change. So it really boils down to the questions of what can you live with, and what are you willing to do in order to get better? Those are not easy questions, but from what you've told us the way things are now isn't working for you. I wish you the best of luck in your journey of discovery.
All of you have been very supportive. Yes, finding a good therapist would be excellent, but the search is still on for someone in my area. What's even frustrating is life is starting to become a pain for me. Same work, same times, no time for myself. Just busy in working for family and fulfilling their needs.
In this state of mine, i have met a really nice guy who has been asking me to spare just a day with him as a woman. I met him once and he called me "a beautiful girl". I just loved it and he really made me happy. But, now meeting him has become a problem as the guilt has taken over. I feel if i meet him, I am cheating my wife and that again stops me from going forward. He has a place of his own and wants me to spend a day with him (watch movies, go out shopping, eat, and just spend time together).
I just don't know what to do.
Natalie.
I may just be missing parts of this story, but this really nice guy appears pretty suspicious to me. Are you sure he can be trusted?
And, well, about your wife... You are the master of your own life, but if you believe this relationship is or will be more than friendship, you must keep in mind that the later it is when your wife learns it, the worst it may be on both of you.
To be brutally honest that situation is very dangerous. If you can consider going with a man while you are too afraid to tell your wife who you are, well your morals are a bit screwed up. If you have the morals to cheat on your wife like this and don't have the back bone to be truthful then you need to reflect on what is important in your life. Going with this man could lead to entrapment, blackmail etc. Particularly as you are too afraid to be honest. It could also lead to disease that you may pass on to your wife. If you think that your relationship with this guy is going to be purely platonic, well I think you are foolish. He will expect sex, even if you don't.
I would be very cautious. Once you do this there may not be decent alternatives.
JMO
Cindy
thanks for the honest advice Cindy. Even though it does look rosy for now, I am reluctant as cheating my wife would be last thing on my mind. I would not want to be classified as a cheater, because as a girl i would hate that myself.
To be honest with you, sharing this secret with my wife would be the worst thing I could do because she is absolutely biased when it comes to alternate lifestyle and I would be surprised if she kept it to herself. The secret would no longer be between us, but rather everyone that are dear to me. Unfortunately that makes it harder for me. I am really happy for you girls whose wives have been understanding and supportive. It's priceless.
Natalie.
Quote from: natalies on May 17, 2011, 04:45:38 AM
thanks for the honest advice Cindy. Even though it does look rosy for now, I am reluctant as cheating my wife would be last thing on my mind. I would not want to be classified as a cheater, because as a girl i would hate that myself.
This isn't a male or female thing, this is simply about being a good human being. Both men and women cheat and it does so much damage to the innocent people they hurt from it.
QuoteTo be honest with you, sharing this secret with my wife would be the worst thing I could do because she is absolutely biased when it comes to alternate lifestyle and I would be surprised if she kept it to herself. The secret would no longer be between us, but rather everyone that are dear to me. Unfortunately that makes it harder for me. I am really happy for you girls whose wives have been understanding and supportive. It's priceless.
Natalie.
I totally understand the fear in telling and or losing everything but the bottom line is that it's dishonest to the both of you. It's dishonest to you if you feel you have to change to be happy and to her because you aren't presenting the whole authentic you. You're not giving her the choice of a whole human being. This is where you need to make decisions on what you need from this. If you are trans and plan to change then you need to have a talk with a therapist and your wife.
QuoteComing from a conservative family, they love me for who I am but at the end of the day to them I am a man. As I said earlier, if you are man, you are a man - that's it. If you think you are a woman - something is wrong with you.
When you Love somebody it should be without condition. It isn't always the case with people but that's the hole in their heart if they have to apply conditions to their love of you.
QuoteIn this state of mine, i have met a really nice guy who has been asking me to spare just a day with him as a woman. I met him once and he called me "a beautiful girl". I just loved it and he really made me happy. But, now meeting him has become a problem as the guilt has taken over. I feel if i meet him, I am cheating my wife and that again stops me from going forward. He has a place of his own and wants me to spend a day with him (watch movies, go out shopping, eat, and just spend time together).
I just don't know what to do.
You don't put yourself into a bad situation. You don't hurt your spouse by being unfaithful.if this is an option but telling her about how you feel isn't, you're on the wrong path and it will hurt you even worse.
Sorry but you totally and completely ignore my suggestions
There are very few of us who have spousal support, Your suggestion that we, who have taken the hard path, find it easy to go this way is incredibly stupid,
I was going to get angry
I leave the thread
Cindy
Thank you for your support. Yes, there is going to be a time when I have to come out and let my wife know who I actually am. But, before i come out to her, I want to make sure that I really want to transition (i know I do, but i have never actually experienced being out as a woman, and I do not want to commit to something. Later realizing it was only a fantasy nothing else).
I guess many of you have led dual lives before coming out to your family. How did you manage that? How did you experience the feminine side of your life? Did you wear undergarments to work? Did you go out dressed in public? or you just knew that you are a girl and needed the transition?
Natalie.
My apologies to Cindy. I did not refer to her when I was saying that some wives have been supportive. I was just making a comment in general saying that - for those who have had the courage to come out and had supportive wives are really lucky. That's all. I know coming out is the hardest for us all and I am really proud of the girls who have done so. It's really brave of them to fight all the odds and come out as a winner.
Once again, accept my apologies.
Natalie.
My wife knew before I did anything. She watched the bouts of depression and the pessimistic attitude.when I crashed and went in for therapy it wasn't to change, it was to help me learn to live with it. It led to my trying to change and she was involved in those decisions and steps.
To do what you're presenting is dishonest in my opinion if you are considering transition. To " try" starting transition to see if it is what you need and not tell your suppose about it isn't fair to her. You want to play the safe game ahd that leads to doing things further and further without discussing.
Part of transition is being honest with yourself about your feeling AND being honest with the world about who you are. Without that you are not living an authentic life.
If you aren't transitioning and this is about part time cross dressing, you will eventually get caught.
Please don't think I am being unfaithful. Until now, i have tried to keep myself clear purely because I do not want to be dishonest with my wife.
But, the dilemma i have is - when and if I tell her, that is the end! There is no going back or having a second chance. She has caught me one time dressing and it took a lot of convincing to make her believe otherwise. She even told my parents and even they warned me that if this happens again they will disown me. That was back in July 2010. For a few months I stopped it but the thoughts just came right back and even stronger. I either live with this through out my life or take the other path to being myself.
Is there any way of getting this out of my mind and become a normal man?
Natalie.
Quote from: natalies on May 17, 2011, 06:32:50 AM
Is there any way of getting this out of my mind and become a normal man?
Natalie.
If you are transsexual, no. You can try but generally the feelings get stronger with time. I told my therapist just that, how do I live with it. She told me. Had 3 options
1) suppress it - it isn't working
2) suicide- it isn't EVER an option
3) change and learn to be happy.
I changed, I had too and I'm much happier for it. She told me hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I did and the worst never materialized. People saw a happier me and liked that.
As everyone stressed you need to locate a gender specialized counselor
Quote from: natalies on May 17, 2011, 06:32:50 AM
But, the dilemma i have is - when and if I tell her, that is the end! There is no going back or having a second chance. She has caught me one time dressing and it took a lot of convincing to make her believe otherwise. She even told my parents and even they warned me that if this happens again they will disown me. That was back in July 2010.
For a few months I stopped it but the thoughts just came right back and even stronger. I either live with this through out my life or take the other path to being myself.
Is there any way of getting this out of my mind and become a normal man?
Natalie.
I tried living with it, because there wasn't a treatment plan available in my youth. I tried every way there was to live with it, to seek any other answer to the terrible anxiety that I felt, that would never go away.
I lasted many decades, but it was a terrible mistake for me. Had there been treatment and information available to me back then, I'd have transitioned sooner.
I had to reach a point where I risked everything I'd ever worked for in my life, including wife and family and many material possessions. I was close to losing the will to live and my wife didn't know how to cope with me any longer. I finally said I didn't care if I lost it all, I just couldn't go on any longer this way.
You REALLY need to find a therapist, online or in person, to help you sort this out in your own life. This is too important and the results can be too devastating to ignore getting help.
Those close to you are making choices based on the information they have available to them right now. They need better information and so do you.
Think about people who insist others live in pain before they'll love them. True love has to be unconditional. If "love" has many conditions on it, then it really isn't love, is it? It appears they want to possess you, not love you.
To me, being born trans has turned out to be a gift, for I've found out who truly cares about *Me*. I know who my friends are now and who really does "love" me.
Quote from: Re: Joyce on May 17, 2011, 10:07:30 AM
To me, being born trans has turned out to be a gift, for I've found out who truly cares about *Me*. I know who my friends are now and who really does "love" me.
This is a great line. This will let you love the people who love you so much more. It makes you see these people in a new beautiful way and I never stop showing those people how much the mean to me
Quote from: natalies on May 17, 2011, 06:32:50 AM
Please don't think I am being unfaithful. Until now, i have tried to keep myself clear purely because I do not want to be dishonest with my wife.
But, the dilemma i have is - when and if I tell her, that is the end! There is no going back or having a second chance. She has caught me one time dressing and it took a lot of convincing to make her believe otherwise. She even told my parents and even they warned me that if this happens again they will disown me. That was back in July 2010. For a few months I stopped it but the thoughts just came right back and even stronger. I either live with this through out my life or take the other path to being myself.
Is there any way of getting this out of my mind and become a normal man?
Natalie.
Natalies, I think you know what's up and what you need to do. Your wife has seen you presenting as a woman. She now knows how you see yourself. Same holds true for your parents. THEY ALREADY KNOW! What she did, by going to your parents, was very wrong. She reneged on your marital vows by going outside of your marriage. She felt entitled to do this because she felt that you reneged on your vows. You broke the rules, so she felt that she could to.
She is protecting what she has as a financially dependent person and feels entitled to do so for herself and the kids. Her fairytale has been compromised. She knows that this is all a facade. You didn't tell the truth to her when you were found out, regretfully. I'm not judging you, since I at one point in my life did the same thing.
Your parents are also being unloving and selfish. They also have what they see as a vested interest in your marriage. They are also trying to "protect" their grandkids. Don't let them all bully you into feeling guilty, and don't let them use the kids as pawns of guilt.
There is a good chance, also, that you see and feel yourself to be a straight woman. If not, at least a bi-sexual woman. How can you ever be happy or fulfilled by trying to play the part of a straight man? BTW, don't get involved with that guy. If he knows you are married, then he's really a creep. Also, like people have said, you are asking for trouble, blackmail or possibly an STD.
I don't know if you're transsexual or transgender. I also don't know what's the best course for your life. What you should know, is that it has already changed your relationship with your wife and parents. They have no right to bully you into acting a certain way, or in being a person that you are not.
I'm speaking to you from my own experience point of view. I bought my wife's and my family's BS for years and years only to realize that I had wasted decades. Through therapy, I came to realize that I was in an abusive and co-dependent relationship. My parents were also in a similar relationship, I later learned. I gathered the courage to leave my wife. It wasn't easy. Thankfully, I have a good relationship with both of my children. One is a late teen, and the other is in her early 20's. I came out to them when they were in Jr. High and HS. As for my parents, my mom won't speak to me and my dad will take my cell calls. So be it. Same goes for my siblings. They selfishly have cut me from their life. I'm happily involved with my life partner now, and haven't looked back. I don't regret fully becoming the person that I needed to be. Sure, I've lost a lot but in the process I gained my life.
Good luck~
I read so much good advice and help for you here - IF you will pay attention and stop looking for valadation for what you want to do, rather then what you know you need to do. To repeat one thread throughout: Get a qualified, MFT with GID knowledge and acceptance. That person can help you get started with a couse of therapy for you. It may involve couple therapy, probably should. Whether or not she participates, you need a therapist. Just do not sell it as a possibility of "curing" you of your cross-gender issues. Do not hold that out as a relief boat for her, your parents or any one else except you. The only help should be for you, everyone else needs their own therapist.
Everyone who has contributed to this post wants to help you; we have all gone through every one of these issues in our own lives in one way or another. We've all tried to negotiate with our own nature; to try to fit ourselves in to some other person's expectations and beliefs. Most of us have found out that delay will not work. It does not matter whether we negotiate forever or immediately take helpful action in our lives; the outcome will be only one three things, as so well listed by Karyn above:
1) suppress it - it isn't working
2) suicide- it isn't EVER an option
3) change and learn to be happy.
Which outcome do you want and need?
Susan Kay
Hi Natalie
I have been following your threads and sense you are under a lot of stress. Other members of Susan's have provided you with some very good advice. Juliekins has told you what happens if the family does not accept and Karyn has told you what happens if the family does accept. In both cases it is not what the family thinks. But more importantly, what are the thoughts and feelings of Juliekins and Karyn when they finally changed.
They are both extremely happy with what they have done.
So it is up to you to decide what you want from life, be a happy person and follow what your heart and mind want or be extremely unhappy. You mentioned in one of your posts:
Quote from: natalies on May 17, 2011, 06:32:50 AMIs there any way of getting this out of my mind and become a normal man?
There is
No Known Cure and for me my feelings got stronger with time. Karyn's therapist put all the options you have in front of you, but I have changed the comments.
1)
Suppress it. But be prepared that your feelings will come back a lot more stronger and with the possible consequence of you breaking down.
2)
Suicide. Is Never Ever an option. It just causes more problems for others, namely your surviving family members.
3)
Change and learn to be happy. But you must be prepared to lose everything and have a plan if your family does not accept you.
My feelings became stronger and stronger over time until I finally realised I was a female. Then one year later I left all my family and friends, not realising that I was giving up everything. However, my family accepts me unconditionally and I'm grateful for that.
This is what you need to do and others have already expressed and I will say it also.
You need to locate a gender specialised counsellor and you need to concentrate on doing this soon.
Take care and my thoughts are with you.
Warmest regards
Sarah B
Just a note: There might not be a gender-related problems specialized professional near you. Normal psychologists can do the job or at least refer you to someone who can.
Unfortunately there are no clear cut answers for those of us who try to protect our families from our condition. Find yourself a good therapist and tell them everything truthfully. Only then can you begin to make sense of where to go next.
You are not alone in this-your initial post sounds like some of mine!
Randi
Thank you to all of you. Your support has brought tears in my eyes. I really appreciate it. What I am going through is not easy and I am sure you all have gone through this path at some point in your lives. I really look up to you all and get inspired. I am going to try to find a therapist who I can share my thoughts with..
But, one thing is for sure - the only thing that is holding me back is my family. For a fact, I know the day I come out - I will loose them all. To them, their beliefs come first and then me. And that is all that is holding me back. They have set a lot of things for me and leaving them I feel is a terrible thing. But, yes in my case love is conditional - "I have to be a straight man".
Once again thank you all for the lovely support.
Natalie.
If you are looking for a solution that doesn't include upheaval, pain, and loss, well ...I don't think there is one. There is no balancing both. There are very few of us that transitioned that didn't lose an incredible lot from doing so, but often people give up much more when they fight to suppress their GID.
Ultimately, you have to do what brings you peace and happiness because, even though changing tack may bring pain to yourself and people you love dearly, so too will everything that will be wrought by staying the course when it isn't the right direction for your life. Also keep in mind that the pain that transition may cause people in your life is almost always temporary; people either learn to accept you, or they part ways and eventually you become a distant memory.
No easy answers. There is nothing simple about being born with this condition. Sorry :(.
However you can find happiness, fulfillment and hope again if you start listening to your inner voice. It will tell you where to go. Just watch for feelings of peace and allow those feelings to guide your choices. Be willing to accept the changes that come.
Hi Natalie
You are more than welcome. As you said we are here to support you and help you. However it is up to you to take that first step in the direction you have decided. Take care of yourself, and if you need more help we are only a keyboard, a personal message or even a phone call away should you need someone.
With all my best wishes and thoughts.
Warmest regards
Sarah B
PS I whole heartedly agree with what Jen says above me.
Hi again Natalie,
Sorry I got upset :-*
When I first came out to my family I was 13. Mum and Dad did not take it well so I suppressed it and got caught several times wearing my sisters clothes. She didn't mind BTW and helped me dress etc. In the end I could no longer live with my parents and left the UK to come to Australia, with the idea of living as me. Of course fate stepped in an I met a woman. I told her straight away about me and she accepted me. We have been married for 28 years. Sadly she is now disabled and cannot live with me, so I am now living as me just about full time and doing all the right stuff with HRT, laser, etc and finally loving my life. I have friends (finally 'he' never had any). I socialise. I go out with friends, and I'm blessed to have met wonderful friends here. I am out to all the family and no one has batted an eye lid. My sister in law even said, 'Oh I've known you are woman for years'. Close male friends, I had a few through work, have accepted me completely. To an extent of inviting me to their homes for dinner with their family and friends. They of course treat me as they would any other female friend. There wives have been totally accepting and again treat me as a female friend. Which is what I am.
The biggest fear in 'coming out' was doing it. I think many of the women here would join me on that. But also as many of the woman have said, in the end there is no choice. You fool no one by living a lie. As your wife has already seen you as you, isn't there grounds for discussion with her?
Of course the decision is always yours. I have not suffered loss of family, well except for my parents. I know several of the girls have lost their wives and even access to their children. A mean and nasty outcome in my opinion. I have to also reflect that in choosing to live, I have realised 'the big secret' that a number of the girls have alluded to. There is nothing wrong with me. It is not my fault that I was not born with the correct reproductive organs. It is not my fault that I tried to live as a guy, and failed miserably, because I am not a guy. I am a woman. I'm not trans anything (but it is a term that is useful for discussion), I'm not a cross dresser ( and there is nothing wrong with people who are), I am a woman. Once I accepted that life got to be pretty fantastic.
I realise you face very difficult problems. I in no way trivialise them. I just hope some of our comments help you deal with the burden you carry.
Love and Hugs
Cindy
Hi, just a quick remark, nice to read all the good qualified responses in this thread, there's really a lot of good stuff here :). this thread has actually helped me thinking through some of my issues, thx.
On Children
What I wanted to say as a 38 year old transgender/transsexual with a six year old son, and issues coming out, is that I feel that I do damage to my son, by not accepting myself and being true to myself.
We often see repression as a sacrifice when it comes to our children, but the most of our children won't thank us for a making a misery out of ourselves. I know it's not that easy and clearcut, but I've done this myself, thinking that this "aspect" of myself is damaging, and that I've been doing my son a favor by repressing it, and it simply isn't true. What I am learning him by my actions is, that it's wrong to be who you are. I'm actually creating more collective misery, spreading like ripples in a pond and....that sucks!
The scenario further down the road is even more bitterness, as you realize that the children won't appreciate your sacrifice, and that you yourself reinforced the system of repression and learned them, to be a "plastic people", by being a prime specimen yourself.
The "sacrifice" will also later haunt you down as a feeling of betraying your true self, and it will become crystallized bitterness in old age
(Sorry if all this sounds a little harsh, I'm going through some heavy thought processes at the moment).
Love
Sally from DK
I will just make five observations in the hope that one or more of them may be helpful. If they aren't just ignore them.
1. You can only be who and what you are. Running away never works because you always take the problem (you) with yourself.
2. You cannot control the way that other people see you, but just because they see you as being X (male) does not mean that it is true from the inside out, or indeed that everyone else will agree.
3. The purpose of medical treatment is not to make you transsexual but to cure you by realigning everything.
4. Children are complex. You cant predict or control how they will react but if you don't seek help there has to be a possibility that you will have a breakdown or do something else silly, and having, lost my father at the age of five I can tell you for sure that a dead father is infinitely worse than having a father who is a bit "different".
5. Finally I do not regard myself as transsexual. I may have some elements of transsexual experience in my past, but in my own eyes I am a surgically created cisgender woman.
Quote from: rejennyrated on May 30, 2011, 07:57:59 AM
4. Children are complex. You cant predict or control how they will react but if you don't seek help there has to be a possibility that you will have a breakdown or do something else silly, and having, lost my father at the age of five I can tell you for sure that a dead father is infinitely worse than having a father who is a bit "different".
In my experience, children are alot more open minded then their adult counterparts. They tend to take things at face value without trying to read too much into it.
Quote from: natalies on May 16, 2011, 07:43:31 AM
Your question got me thinking, but yes I have answer for you.
Coming from a conservative family, they love me for who I am but at the end of the day to them I am a man. As I said earlier, if you are man, you are a man - that's it. If you think you are a woman - something is wrong with you.
And if I come up to them and tell them who i am - it's like changing the complete foundation. and I know it will be unacceptable. So, if I choose the path of a woman, I have to be ready to part from everyone.
sounds harsh and rough, but unfortunately that's my reality.
From the standpoint of reality, for the person with a transsexual medical condition, it is NOT about *THINKING* that you are a woman (in this case) but rather that you ARE a woman. However, the birth error contributed to a societal misalignment.
I can also wholly relate to the worry of having to basically walk away from family...I was never married and have no kids that entered into the equation, but I was extremely concerned about how the family would react. I already knew some of their feelings from when the gender stuff first became known to them when I was somewhere around the 8th grade (late '70's-early 80's) and some of the vitriol regarding Pride parades in general didn't help matters...
But...ultimately I did what I had to for MY well-being. And in the end, while it risks hurting others, you HAVE to do what is best for YOU.
rejennyrated's 3rd and 5th points are especially cogent as well...the medical community does not make one a transsexual. Rather they help to address a condition that has existed from birth. Anyone who has read my posts (or the few who I know personally who know my medical background) also know that I describe myself as one who previously sought medical assistance for a transsexual condition. It is not a label that I use as an adjective nor that I want people using to describe me anywhere else...it does not appear in my resume and it is not used in the 'about me' section of programs where I have conducted CLE segments and it has never been a subject of cross-examination of my qualifications as an expert witness take place in courtrooms.
Reality is not always an easy row to hoe...but reality is also shaped by what you make it. And trying to avoid a reality can make life infinitely more difficult...
Quote from: regan on May 30, 2011, 08:01:20 AM
In my experience, children are alot more open minded then their adult counterparts. They tend to take things at face value without trying to read too much into it.
Children are blank canvases in this sense. They hold the bias of their parents. My nieces were told in a positive way from my Sis in law. They have adjusted to it well and are very loving towards me. They have been brought up to be loving and kind to all people.
Chances are if the parents view it as freakish then the children will as that's the environment they are brought up in.
I have gone thru most of what you are talking about. I amnow finding my true self after burying her for 4 decades. I stayed in a marriage for the kids. I have been divorced twice (non TG issues, I think). Now my kids are on there own. My testerone is down and that may have been the cause of bringing my fem out of me. I have never accepted myself as a "man". But I did what I had to do to make my parents happy. Now my father is gone and mother is in her upper 80's.
At various points in my life I tried suicide. I joined the Army to go to war. I was willing to die for my country (suicide by war). I tried pills. I tried cutting my wrists. I have often wish I would die in an accident . I found that my demeanor has improved since I got on hormones. My current spouse knows and thinks its a phase. She wants nothing to do with my Dr appts or meetings. She has loaned me her blouse once and jewelry another time. But that is all she has done.
I am getting better about feeling who I am. But it is a work in progress.
I don't recommend the double life.