Alrighty, I tend to have a hard time organizing my thoughts when posting on the internet, which is why I usually just lurk. However, I think I'll give this a shot.
I'm 18 years old. I've been lurking on these forums for about five months, I think.
I have a problem.
As a kid, I've always been an outcast, but on the occasion I did have close friends, it was often with a group of girls. Usually goths, for whatever reason. The point is that I had an easier time associating with girls than other guys. Around freshman year of high school. I started to feel like something was very wrong with me, like a notion. For about a week. Not long after that, I would occasionally have instances where I would think of myself, and instead of a guy, I was a girl. Same way I look now, kinda. I had a huge urge to see if I could actually look like that. Fought it for a long time. Then I just, went into the shower, shaved and such. Than I tried on some of the leftover clothes we had in our house. (We have had a lot of my moms friends visit, and just leave a lot of the stuff in bags up in my closet.) It was actually pretty decent, in my opinion. I have a very girlish frame. Thin arms for a guy, really small hands, etc. The only major thing was my hair, which I had cut short at the time, and the fact that I'm 6,3. So there was an awe struck moment of me seeing this. Then I just went back to regular average life.
Couple months later. I started having dreams where I was a girl. It got to the point where I'm never a guy in dreams anymore. It would even still feel like I was when I woke up. So I started looking into it on the internet. (What a useful tool) Started looking into the transexxual stuff, found out about the surgery for it, and at first, I NEEDED that stuff. Then I found out about all the stuff one must give up, and go through to get it. Which was discouraging, but my desire persisted. Then one day, the urgency was gone. I could see myself as a guy, and it honestly didn't bother me. I took it as some kind of problem with my brain, maybe surfacing because I have never been interested in sex, or something like that.
So that lasted for awhile, then it is back to dreams where I am a girl. and my personality feels like im a girl, and this body is not right. Made a whole plan to go see a therapist, was ecstatic. Then the day after that, back to the male perspective. I'm happy with my body the way it is, why would I go through all that trouble to disfigure myself?
It's at a point now where it is alternating every day. Occasionally, like once a month, I will have a day where it flips back and forth every hour. I looked into androgyny(sp?) Which makes sense I guess, but having a label for it really doesn't help, and I don't want to be a mix. When I feel like a girl, I feel like I am completly.
So... I just was wondering what the hell is wrong with me, and what I should do about it. I don't want to see a therapist about it right now, as I am currently low on the monies, and I sleep on the couch in my mothers apartment. Paying rent, so I guess I am not a complete low life ^^;;
Huh, these forums don't have spell checkers. Hope I didn't fail too badly.
Welcome to Susans, Tearlach!
Thanks for posting a great intro. I'm so glad you've decided to share your story with us!
Eeek, I gotta leave for home in a second, so I can't add much yet... but just wanted to welcome you and thank you for sharing. Therapists ARE a great way to help sort out all these things, but you can learn a lot just by browsing through everyone's stories here too. It's not so unusual to flip back and forth as you describe, even for TSs as they try to figure themselves out, what they want, what works for them.
More later...
Kate
Hi I'm new here to, so welcome to you also. I started when I was 18 also, and if you read my intro, I really was economically challenged also. I could relate when you said you sleep on your mothers couch in her apartment, accept I slept in the back of a store. Don't worry about the monies, if you do decide to transtion, you can start planning all that then. But at this point if you are confused, go ahead and see a therapist, there is no obligation to do anything, and its nice to just talk about things and get everything out in the open. If you live in a city, and there is a comunity center, you can usually find a therapist that works on a sliding scale. My first and primary therapist was a Licsenced Social Worker. She had an MA in psychology, and specialized in gender and other like sexuailty stuff. She was really good, and I really connected with her and it was good to talk to her. And she worked on a sliding scale. Through her I found a support group, and if you can get into a group somewhere, this is really where you can start to figure out things about yourself and try and figure out where you are and what you want to do.
If you do decide to go on the transition track, you are at a great age to start HRT, and should start that as soon as you can. I found my dr through my therapist, and he also worked with a lot of people that did not have much money, so he was really easy about the office fees and stuff. Also to my understading, estradiol is one of the drugs that this year was put on the list of low cost genric drugs that places like Wal-Mart and Costco will sell very very cheap.
Just don't try and look to far ahead on things, but a therapist really can be a real help.
welcome again,
-pass-
Hi Tearlach,
Wellcome to Susans.
You seam to be about where I am at. I have been a happy male but somehow I need to change something as I have a strong female side. I have not figure where I am going so I still have to learn a lot.
Alice
Welcome tearlach..
stay on and you'll be suprised how much in the know is out here...
hugs
Ricki
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Steph
HelloTearlach!
That was a great introduction. I do understand where you are coming from and have had very similar experiences. But when you can afford it please see a therapist, they are invaluable in helping you get through this two mindedness thing.
Welcome to Susan's
:)
Jillieann
Just wanted to say, thanks for the warm welcome everyone!
I've got to say, I am very impressed after hearing your story, passiflora. Thanks for sharing it.
Welcome, Tearlach!
Your confusion is very understandable. I know it's probably frustrating right now but I think it will clear up as you go along and learn what's really you and what's the conditioning that was placed upon you. A therapist can help this along a great deal so try to find one who will allow payments on a sliding scale or maybe a local mental health clinic can point you in the right direction.
In the meantime, though, please be sure and come to Susan's to get what you can from this amazing resource. I hope I'll be reading more from you soon
again, WELCOME ! ! ")
helen