There is this transwoman who came by where I work today. I've dealt with her before on a professional level and she's very nice. I know that she transitioned on the job and it became somewhat public knowledge at least in the industry. Since we work in the same field I would love to talk to her about transitioning in the industry but I don't know how to broach the subject or if that is even approiate. I'm not out at work which means I have to be careful.
What do you think I should do?
I'd tread very lightly, she's entitled to her privacy. Maybe you could mention you're a member of a wicked cool website called Susans.org?
Hmm... Personally, I would try to get friendly with her before trying anything serious discussion-wise... But that may just be my over-prudent-maniac side.
I think it's best to try to be friends before transgender friends ^^ If her ->-bleeped-<- comes up around her, then I'd use it as an oppertunity to open up about the ->-bleeped-<- thing. If not, then if you really want to try to help her quickly, it might be good to 'accidentally' leave help information and hope she glances at it before offering it back.
Say Hi, make aye contact, smile and then say: "You are so nice, I would like to be your friend. Every time you come I feel like asking you for a cup of coffee but...I hope you do not mind me asking..."
Chances are if she is a nice person, she would go for a cup of coffee, there is your starting point. Whatever you do, do not bring up any gender or sexual issues, get to know her, talk about common things, ask her for her hobbies, etc
Good luck,
Kate D
I respectfully disagree with Rabbit advice, it seems sounds, but let me tell you one pitfall to that approach:
Her response: "I do not care what you hear or what you thing we may have in common! I wish people would live me alone"
Why is she piss? Because you have credence to rumors! Play safe, go with my approach!
Kate D
Asking someone about trans-related topics even if they publicly transitioned is pretty rude unless you know each other well because it's still a personal thing. It really depends on the person though.
I would tread lightly until you have come out. Otherwise, she may treat your admission as a come-on. If you come out and and start your life experience, she will notice and may start to ask questions. Right now it is up to her. She may not want to talk about it right now. Most transgender people do not want to relate to others of their similar experience. You won't see them on Susan's or any other similar forum. I was like that before HRT, but like some others on this forum that started HRT, I did a 180.
Joelene
I agree with rabbit. But my only concern is that she could out you. I would take it slow and cautious but be honest about your intentions.
If somebody came up to me and said, "Hi, I'm trans too. We should do lunch and talk about it," I would be pretty much horrified. Of course I don't like to be notified when I fail to pass with somebody. If she is out and proud then it could be a different story, but just because it became public knowledge doesn't necessarily mean she wanted it to be.
If you feel sure she does want to advocate and help improve things for other trans peeps, then sure, go for it. Anytime you tell anybody anything, it's out there and you don't control that info anymore, so how much you fear being outed is something else to think about.
No one in this world is required to participate in intrusive questioning under the guise of "trying to make friends." It is not overly defensive or rude to rebuff that type of inqusition. If this person seems to be a person you would like to be friends or even aquaintenances with, and would be regardless of gender issues - be friendly or aquaintable. If coffee seems appropriate, ask. Save gender inquiry and revelation for your support group. Just say hi, with a smile.
Susan Kay
Hi Hannah
Short answer you do not bring that subject up and yes it would be extremely rude to do so.
Long answer. You must accept that she is a female first and foremost and treat her as such. You must get to know her on a more personal level before you reveal your particular circumstances and then you must do so on the assumption that you are revealing your personal life with no expectations that she will reveal anything personal about her life and as you have said you have only meet her on a professional level.
Why? Because from my perspective or personal views. It is my decision and my decision alone whether I tell anybody about my past. Regardless whether they know, think they know or they don't know, it does not matter and if they are an understanding, compassionate person and a real friend they would not say anything unless they were specifically asked in a very private surrounding.
As to asking straight out as Rabbit has mentioned, yes it sounds good at first, but really it is not appropriate to ask these questions given the circumstances. There are certain questions that one is allowed to ask in a general social setting, for example, what do you do for a living? Is an appropriate question to ask. However, to ask someone, did you have sex last night? Is extremely rude and offensive and is most certainly not a question you ask someone if you do not know them personally.
Therefore Rabbit's, "Hi there, I heard a little bit about you and I think we have a lot in common! I was wondering if you wanted to get lunch sometime and talk... I would love some advice about "things"!" Is on par with asking someone did you have sex last night and therefore extremely rude, or as Susan Kay said, its an 'intrusive question'.
Warm regards
Sarah B
To me this seems to be a conundrum of the trans community. This woman does have every right to her privacy and I respect that. We also share a common experience and if we are both willing to talk about it, might be able to help each other by virtue of that experience. It's not unlike a cancer survivor talking to someone who has cancer and offering support. I would never start a conversation by saying "so I heard you had cancer".
The problem with trying to befriend her is that I do so presenting as a male which is more likely to be taken as hitting on her than another woman trying to befriend her. Also, I feel befriending her with ulterior motives is rude and hurtful, my intentions matter.
I could try to invite a conservation by somehow being obvious about myself being trans but she could keep silent out of respect to my privacy as well. Not being out complicates this further.
It's very sad to me that I'm around another woman that has struggled with what I struggle with, in the same field, with the same people and it's so hard for us to reach out to each other and offer the support that we all need.
I think it partly depends on how "out" she is.
Personally if someone approached me it wouldn't worry me, but then I am in a semi-stealth mode. I don't advertise my situation, but I make very little effort to cover it up either, and so people can either know or not know as they choose... and believe me amazingly it does work! Some people do know and other clearly have chosen to ignore or simply not to notice. Either way they remain unaware and by and large things go on fine until some prize prat makes the mistake of making them aware of something they had missed. So I do try to make sure that whether or not people "know" of my past they are discrete.
If this woman is fully "out" - by which I don't just mean that it is public knowledge, but I mean if she is the sort who will "proclaim" her past then clearly you don't have a problem... It is a lot more tricky if she is like me, actually in semi stealth. In that case it would need sensitivity because while I wouldn't mind someone approaching me privately, I have got VERY cross when someone did it in a semi public way... for example by posting some trans specific comment on my facebook wall.
So you would need to do it privately and completely out of sight of any colleagues. Otherwise from my own reactions, I suspect you would be highly likely to get an official complaint made to your manager! (and I'm not joking)
In many respects it is probably best to accept that this isn't practical. The risk of embarrassment is too high.
Your other option of course would be to come fully out yourself and let her decide whether or not she wants to approach you.
None of these scenarios is ideal, and I do understand the frustration - however what you must remember is that those of us who have gone through this process do not often want to be poster children for some "movement" or "community". We just want to get on with our lives.
I come here because in the relative anonymity of the internet I can contribute something in the knowledge that if anyone from my real life stumbles upon me here and learns the shocking truth :o they can only have done so because they came looking for it! ;) and therefore by implication they must have some interest ;D in which case I am cool with them knowing.
Quote from: rejennyrated on May 17, 2011, 08:27:45 AM
None of these scenarios is ideal, and I do understand the frustration - however what you must remember is that those of us who have gone through this process do not often want to be poster children for some "movement" or "community". We just want to get on with our lives.
I come here because in the relative anonymity of the internet I can contribute something in the knowledge that if anyone from my real life stumbles upon me here and learns the shocking truth :o they can only have done so because they came looking for it! ;) and therefore by implication they must have some interest ;D in which case I am cool with them knowing.
I am very grateful that you and others who have been through this take the time out of your lives to come here and help us. I can't imagine doing this alone.
I would give her a hand written letter and just ask her to read it when she has some free time to herself. I think this keeps your intentions up front but also leaves it personal. If she is offended then she simply doesn't respond, and if she isn't then maybe she might invite you to coffee.
Personally I had a friend who moved away, came out, and I had not seen in years. I tracked her down through a mutual friend and to my amazement she was more then happy to talk for hours about her transition. bottom line, you wont ever know if you don't try.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ THIS