Hola people! Big news from me, I came out to everyone! :D
It's been eating me at me for months and I got to the point where one day I just said screw it and went for it. I don't know if it was confidence or stupidity but I went for it.
I'm so glad I did, things have went so well. I'm friends with a lot of car guys and come from a conservative area, so I didn't expect great things, but things have been great. The people I had most worried about have been some of the most accepting. My friend Anthony that I mention is a really macho, tatted up hot rod guy...I didn't expect him to come around at all...and he just texted me "How are things going lady?" So that just goes to show ya, you never truly know!
The one thing that has shocked me the most is how many people that have said they had an idea about it for years. I really thought being a macho guitar playing car guy that I hid it well... apparently not as well as I thought!
I'm so happy I did this, I could have never imagined how it would make me feel. It's absolutely amazing.....
I posted this letter on my guy Facebook account and so far a little more than half have came over to my girl account, the once that haven't I suspect haven't even taken the time to read what I posted., so I'll send out a follow up, if I hear nothing in another week or so I'll just go ahead and close out my old account for good. :)
This also helps with my moms main argument against this, that "no one will accept it" fact is, pretty much everyone that matters have accepted it with more than open arms. Now the only person I have to come out to is my dad and step mom... I'm sure it will not go well, but our realationship has been sketchy over the years anyhow, so no big loss if he shuns me.
Anywho, if you're thinking about coming out, please do it. The support you get from those who accept it far outweighs whatever rejection there is, and it's just so freeing to be out there with nothing to hide.
BTW... this letter is long, if you don't want to read it don't! :p I hope someone can get something useful from it though
~Sara
Kaytlyn is my ex and Pete is my cousin btw!
QuoteIt's no doubt that what this note/letter contains will seemingly come out of the blue, maybe not... though I'm fairly sure it will be a bit unexpected.
If you've only got a few minutes to read this, wait until you've got some more time... it's long and it's a lot to take in. It's more of a comfy couch with a glass of wine read than a "crap I'm late for work, I'll blow thru this quick" story. There are 29 years of my life described pretty thoroughly here... it's pretty in depth.
First let me say, if you're reading this you should know how much I think of you, I've always been rather guarded about whom I let into my life.... so please know that there isn't a person reading this that I don't care greatly about our friendship.
I've struggled with something my entire life, I'm sure I've eluded to that a few times over the years but have never been able to be open with anyone about it, mostly because I wasn't open with myself about it. I'm sure you all have seen me going thru my bouts of anger and depression over the years and wondered what was up and now I know to move on with my life I have to be completely honest and come clean with everyone to do that. I'm not entirely sure if I'm ready, but I feel that I owe everyone an explanation. I hope by the end of this you have a better understanding of me and my situation and are still willing to consider me a friend.
What you're about to read virtually no one has ever known about, I've had things going on inside me I felt the need to keep secret and they've been making me miserable and tearing me apart for years. This is one of the toughest things I've ever had to do and I don't quite know where to begin this.
Here goes....
As far back as I can remember I've felt different, these feelings first became apparent to me around age 2, while I found them curious I didn't know what to make of them. As I began to grow up it became glaringly obvious to me that I was indeed quite different from the other kids and I became very ashamed of who I was. God, how to say this.....
I'm transgendered.
Now before thoughts of Jerry Springer episodes go dancing thru your head, let me explain... because that is not how it is at all!
Ever since my earliest memories I have always felt female inside. Shocker huh?! Some of my earliest memories are of me feeling this way, at odds with my body and who everyone thought I was. As a small child I felt very girly, I wanted to grow up to be just like my older sister; while I always liked some boyish things (cars mostly) I was just as interested in girl stuff. Somewhere floating around is a picture of me at age two wearing superman pajamas, wearing strawberry shortcake glasses and holding a toy car... yeah.. that's me. Anyway... I digress
As I came of the age where I learned the difference between boys and girls I tried to make sense of how I felt, I came up with this crazy explanation that I was a girl/boy hybrid and actually felt lucky (for a while) that I was both. Throughout this time I somehow expected that one day I would become a girl, it was just a matter of time.
However, as time wore on and I entered preschool/daycare I realized that this was not the case and I was stuck being a boy. I also quickly came to realize that being a girly boy was not a good thing; I became incredibly embarrassed and guilty of how I felt on the inside and vowed to do everything possible to fight those feelings and be a *normal* boy. The years past and as hard as I tried my feelings wouldn't go away, to make matters worse, I was being partially raised by my very religious grandmother and very manly grandfather; I often heard that feminine men were going to hell and other things along those lines.... not so much good for the self esteem.... not only would my feelings be shunned by my family, but god too......I felt so guilty and shamed of the thoughts that ran thru my head. I went to church 3 times a week as a kid, and at first I prayed that god would make me like all the other girls and that eventually turned into me praying that these feelings would go away. I remember it so clearly, praying before bed that I could just be normal and being afraid that I would talk in my sleep and my secret would get out.
It wasn't only the thoughts that I had to be ashamed of, it was my actions also. I can clearly remember being 5 years old making dresses out of tissues for my GI Joes because I wasn't allowed to have dolls. I was also around this time I began feeling a desired to dress girly myself and sometimes I gave in by occasionally slipping my tiny feet into my mother or grandmothers shoes, feeling super guilty and then hiding under our coffee table to cry. That trend continued for the next several years without fail.
At any rate, I began elementary school and was actually a good student (imagine that!) and things went ok, my feelings did not go away, but I found I could pour myself into school work and that allowed me not to think about such silly things as feelings. I eventually ended up in the smart kid classes and got invited to the gifted program at Monterey. In this time other kids kinda became suspicious of me and could somehow tell I felt girly, I got called out on it a few times; I have to admit I kinda looked a bit girly in those days, I had the typical 80's bangs (thanks grandma) and a few kids actually asked me if I was a boy or a girl. What a horrible experience that was, spending every ounce of energy I had to hide the fact I felt like a girl and being read like an open book. It made me feel not very good about myself.
Ignoring everything you feel inside and hating who you are only works for so long, eventually I began to fall apart; I went from being a straight A student to getting D's and F's..... I just didn't care anymore. I felt horrible for who I was, for what I felt, for not being able to hide it. I did manage to learn a tool for keeping people away though..... fear. The quiet well mannered kid I was went away, I became moody and sometimes violent; I threw a chair at a girl once, threatened to beat up another kid...it became super obvious to me that when people were afraid of you, they didn't ask too many questions...... a crutch I relied upon many times over the years... I'm sure some of you have been on the wrong end of it a time or two and for that I'm truly sorry. I also became very depressed and frustrated with my situation, I didn't ask to be a boy, I didn't want to be a boy and I couldn't live my life as a boy; so in 3rd grade I made my first suicide attempt by slitting my wrists.... first of many over the next 20 years.
Anywho, things pretty much remained the same over the next several years, depressed, angry, a bad student, still feeling like a girl, still feeling guilty and ashamed. This pretty much brings us to middle school.... oh the joys of middle school....
Around this time puberty began and threw me into a major tailspin; not only was I not going to be a normal girl, I was becoming a regular guy... what I always thought would change me, rid me of these feelings.... it only made things worse. I became super jealous of the girls as they became young women and was utterly repulsed by the changes in my own body. Stink... body hair... sexual things.....I felt like a teenage girl but all the wrong stuff was going on, it was horrifying and once again this brought on more suicide attempts.
It was in these days I began to skip a lot of school, I'm sure some of you may remember these times. Wanna know what I did on those days? I sat at home, dressing in any girls clothes I could scrounge up, building model cars, playing with makeup, watching tv and very often crying my eyes out because I felt so guilty for doing it. God I felt like such a horrible excuse for a human being in those days.
As time wore on I saw everyone growing up and becoming who they would be and I knew it was never going to be ok for me to be myself so I decided I had to "enhance" my persona to get me thru life as a male. There were a few to choose from, jock, rocker guy, smart guy, car guy....wait... I kinda like cars.... my dad likes cars...if I liked cars, he would like me...everyone would like me....and who would ever suspect a car guy of feeling like a girl? The rest is history; I poured myself into cars and as I did and the thoughts of them consumed every waking moment, I didn't allow myself to think about my feelings... this was great! Cool cars, friends, love from my dad and I don't have to deal with what dwells inside me.... how could this get any better?! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE cars and I will always be a car nut, it's just in my blood... too much A-Team and Dukes of Hazzard as a kid I suppose...
It didn't take long for me to realize it wasn't much better, my feelings only stayed away for so long, they would slowly creep in from time to time leaving me feeling guilty and ashamed. I also began to feel really guilty about the fact that everyone who knew me, only knew about 25% of who I was, I just couldn't allow anyone else to get close and find out my *secret*.
Things were up and down like that for many years, manic times when I consumed by cars and times when I was weak and my feelings would wash over me like a tidal wave. The good times were ok, the bad times were horrible. Slowly the bad times began to be more frequent than the good and I slipped into a major depression in 2000.
I was very depressed, I became very reckless with my actions in cars and in general. I really didn't care if I lived or died, infact I very much hoped I would be killed and my family and friends would never know how I felt inside and an accident would be much easier to deal with than a suicide. Life was pure agony for me, having to constatly live for everyone else, having to hide who I was.... it was like being locked in a dark 5X5 room for eternity. Things were pretty bad those next few years, I really didn't expect to make it out alive and I'm still not sure how I did.
I wanted to give up, I tried to give up....something kept me alive, what? I don't know... I tried my all to make it end. At some point while at one of my lowest points I began to wonder exactly what my deal was, so I got online (aol dial-up, 2001 or so) and came across the website of someone who seemingly felt exactly like me, and she had transitioned to female. "What?!" I thought," how is this possible?!" "Aren't these people weird?" "Wait.... I kinda seem like one of these people." Sure enough, it was possible and amazingly she had come thru it and life was going great. It was then I realized I wasn't a hopeless cause and I might actually be able to salvage something out of this wreck of a life I had been given.
It was a tough first step, but I sold my beloved 1970 Charger, the car I had lusted after since I was a child, so I could afford to go see a therapist and find out for sure if I was one of these so called "transsexuals" I began therapy in 2002 and it didn't take long for me to be diagnosed with Gender Idenity Disorder, pretty much meaning while I was physically born one sex, my internal feelings weren't congruent with that sex.
I was pretty thrilled, finally I had a reason why I had always felt the way I did... while I still very much felt like a freak, I actually felt like a human being for once in my life. Now I had this information, what would I do about it? Most people who are diagnosed with GID end up transitioning from one gender to another to live out some sort of fulfiling life. I spent a good year seriously thinking about this and in 2002 I decided that this is what I would need to do.... it had really become this or death.
So I continued with my therapy, came out to my mom and another friend, grew my hair out (now you know why!)..... things went great for quite a while. I still felt massively guilty about it though and my mom wasn't thrilled about the news....as you can imagine. I tried my best to make a good go of it but in 2005, with little support and massive guilt I succame to outside pressure and put myself back into the closet once again. I just wasn't strong enough to do it.
So, I tried to be a super normal guy again, I got my new Subaru, I got a new girlfriend, I got a good job, that sort of fell apart after a while, but I tried to put up a good front still. Around this time I met Kaytlyn, we fell in love, moved in together, got a dog..... I was actually satisfied with everything going on in my life for a short while, and surely with all of these things in place I could beat this! Wrong. It didn't take long for everything to fall apart and I found myself even more depressed than I had been before.... I'd had every oppertunity to be a normal guy... I just couldn't do it.
Unfortunately I had put myself in this situation where I was relied upon by Kaytlyn and everyone else, I couldn't let them down by transitioning. I of course became super depressed and super suicidal and that trend stuck for several years. I was comitted to the life I'd foolishly built though, I would live it or die trying.
Things didn't go horrible over the next 4 years, I was still horribily depressed but I really loved Kaytlyn and managed to make the best of things: I even told her about most of this stuff within our first month or two of dating and she accepted it as best she could, we even had some really fun times.... I fondly remember one trip we took to McDonalds in prom dresses, lol! Anyway, it all went pretty well until last year when out relationship began to weaken and I knew a lot of it was my fault because of the depression.... I really felt that our relationship would end pretty soon if I didn't get myself out of the funk and depression and become a better person for her, so I began therapy again.
I was in bad shape when I started back with therapy, super paranoid, panic attacks, depressed constantly... no desire to do anything. As I progressed thru my sessions things got better and it became pretty clear what was making me miserable, I knew it all along.... I just couldn't admit it to myself. Once again I was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder and this time I knew that transition was something I absolutely had to do, I couldn't take the rest of my life living like this.....essentially not living at all.
So as things between Kaytlyn and I came to an end, shockingly for reasons other than this....we both just grew a lot as people over the years, things change, I can accept that and I think her for being as supportive as she has been. I knew it was the oppertunity I needed. I began with both laser hair removal and electrolysis to remove facial hair; both are incredibly painful and expensive (like you can't even imagine how painful and expensive) but so worth it. I also began dressing and going out more often as female and is shocking as it may be, I actually pass well as a girl. I've been to clubs in DC, Cleveland, Wal-Mart, out to dinner and always am taken as female; it is pretty fantastic. Actually the trip I took to Florida earlier this year I was in "girl mode" the entire time and no one ever had an idea that I wasn't born female. It is so nice to finally go out and interact in the world how I feel, as myself... no hiding... just me..... and in Disney world no less! Talk about the happiest place on earth... it sure was for me.
In March I began hormone replacement therapy, so now I'm 100% hormonally female and of course going thru female puberty, my body is changing, by brain is changing... it's the most amazing feeling ever. If everything goes as planned it is my goal to be living full time as female by the end of the year, and likely, since I now have nothing to hide, no fear of anyone finding out, I will be full time outside of work in the next month or two. What's going to change? Duh ;) Looks, clothes, voice, social role, comfort with myself..... pretty much what you would imagine. What won't change? Pretty much most of my silly personality and I'm still a car and music nut at heart and that will never change. Even without all of the gender stuff...I'm weird and I know it... in fact I'm proud of it... I hope my weirdness is something you value about me... things are always interesting with me around, that will always be the case!
Also, the few that know usually ask me about sexual orientation fairly soon after they find out, so I might as well address it now. I like girls, I've always liked girls, but because of the hormones I like them in a completely different way than before... but I still like them. Sometimes hormones can change ones sexual orientation, that could easily happen to me, I won't deny that possibility or some feelings I've had, but for now...I'm a big ol' lesbian, lol.
Seriously though.....
It's a tough road, my mom is having a hard time accepting it but she's doing her best, I know a lot of my family won't be, it won't be long before I will lose all contact with my dads side of my family; they're VERY religious and VERY conservative..... I won't be able to see my older sister, niece and nephew, uncles, cousins... the whole lot. It's really pretty painful to think about but unfortunately I know this is the choice I've got to make. I've spent 29 years giving being a guy the old college try while feeling the complete opposite.... life is so short.... I've got to start living it for me. I'm the same person I have always been, just not living in the shadows anymore.I do want to say, this is not at all how I wanted to make this known, but logistics and other complications have made this the best option. I've also found that once you tell one person it gets out quickly, the first person I told, way back in 2003, had told 5 other people in the first week... against my wishes and I know they've told at least 5 more since then... that's just the way it goes. I had intended to write many of you letters, but I just can't put this off any longer; there are some of you that I feel still deserve that and I will do my best to do that still. Pete, you;re like a brother to me and you have no idea how much you mean to me, Anthony, you're my best friend without a doubt and I'd like it to stay that way, Debo, Leah... I wanted to tell you both a decade ago but I got scared.... this is a scary thing for me, everyone finding this out is my worst nightmare, but it has to happen.
I also don't want anyone to feel like I've lied to them about who I am over the years, to be honest, after high school I've pretty much been who I really am, just a really watered down, filtered version of who I really am. I'd say in general I only let about 40% of my true personality out, those names I've listed above, you guys have been getting at least 60%... but that's still a lot of who I am being hidden. I'll admit I have avoided and haven't maintained friendships and relationships because of this... it's very hard work to constantly edit yourself around others.... thus bringing me back to the "if you're reading this, I think you're special" statement.
I hope that you still consider me your friend after you have read this, if not I will not hold it against you; I know it's tought to accept..... it's taken me over 25 years.
If you're still on my team, I thank you so much. I hope you respond back to me, I have a female facebook page and I would love to add you as a friend there... let me know, I'll send you a friend request. That said, this page will go away in a few weeks, there is no reason to keep it up for a persona that doesn't exist anymore.... there is no longer a division of who I am, no compartmentalization..... just me now.
If you can't be supportive of me thru this process, it will hurt but I do understand. Though please don't lecture me about the error of my ways or tell me I'm the devils work of any silly stuff like that, also don't friend me on my other page just to gawk.... if this isn't something you can handle, think about the good times we had together and move on. I'm still a person, please afford me some dignity. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask, I've got plenty of info and with this out I have no secrets... I'm an open book.
Thank you for taking the time to read this,
It is a great feeling isn't it.
You just got hit with a heavy dose of gender euphoria I'd say. :)
Gota love it when our friends and family accept us.
As time goes by life returns to normal. Savor this moment. You only get it once.
I am proud of you. Been cheering you on for quite some time now.
Just wait until you can go full time. ;)
I have to thank you so much Cyndi! If it weren't for you, Melody, Jackie, Emma, Madelyn, Amy, Samantha, Janet, Brittney and a few other trans folk who aren't Susans regulars, I would have never been able to do it. You all have done so much for me and mean so much to me! I really love you all. :)
~Sara :)
Let me show you my shocked face ....
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.sodahead.com%2Fprofiles%2F0%2F0%2F2%2F0%2F7%2F8%2F2%2F1%2F3%2Fshocked-face-32956106088.gif&hash=6237ea9811b13ccdd42a849eb90e33ef993b5b25)
Actually it is always amassing when the ones we don't think will be accepting, turn out to be our greats champions.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fradiocontraband.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F05%2Frock-on-hand.jpg&hash=6aaa42ea042254d0f8c7b2180e0444e887c6373c)
Sara
Congrats! Must be liberating. ;D
Hi Sara
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sure what you have written will help others in the future. From what I have seen and read you will do extremely well in life. Take care and all the best for the future.
My warmest regards
Sarah B
PS It is good to see that you are very happy.
Great news Sara,
I also thought it funny that so many people were not surprised but just waiting for me to accept me. I remember coming out to my sis and bro in laws, I invited them to dinner saying I had something to tell them. I greeted them as Cindy, they didn't bat an eye lid. Oh thought you were female for years, we thought you had a big announcement about the lottery or something.
Good News though, and you have some gorgeous supportive sisters to help as well. I do love this family
Hugs
Cindy
Hi Sara
Well, That wasn't too bad, was it?
We are always scared to come out, while we did Nothing wrong, we only had bad luck.
congrats, honey.
I'm glad things Worked out the good way.
Many huts
Annette
Great news hon. I think I may have told you how you can't predict how people will react. Even the most macho tat wearing dudes. I think they can sense something different about us even when we are hiding it and that smooths the way a bit. Turns out we think we are Oscar level actors and we are more like community theater actors. Lol.
Congrats and enjoy the euphoria. You have been released from the prison of your own creation and have realized the bars were never there to begin with. It feels awesome to be out in the light.
you came out to everyone you know? i didn't really think that was possible, but i'm just trying to stealth my way through it as much as possible. that is good though. it couldn't have been easy.
Well anyone on Facebook at least. And they will their friends ( who may know Sara ) and they will tell someone and so on and so forth. Fast way to come out.
Quote from: Janet Lynn on May 27, 2011, 05:47:40 PM
Well anyone on Facebook at least. And they will their friends ( who may know Sara ) and they will tell someone and so on and so forth. Fast way to come out.
yeah, i decided not to do that, because i'm just pretty private about my life, and don't think it's their business. not that anyone would've really wanted to add me on facebook :)
Wow! Had to admire your courage. So happy for you, I wish the rest is just history and you live for ever happy.
Best wishes,
Kate D
PS. I hope someday I will muster the courage to follow your example
Quote from: SpaceyGirl on May 27, 2011, 05:42:39 PM
you came out to everyone you know? i didn't really think that was possible, but i'm just trying to stealth my way through it as much as possible. that is good though. it couldn't have been easy.
Well, maybe not EVERYONE, but everyone that matters or that I have a "friendship" with. There are people I've met thru the years, that I rarely see, or see a time or two a year who don't know, but we're not close enough that I would even know how to contact them to come out. Everyone whom I'm close with I stay in contact with on Facebook, I don't add random people on there, on the male profile I had around 40 people I was friends with, and every one of them is someone with whom I communicate with regularly and see in person.
I've kept a fairly close group around me over the years, mostly due to the amount of labor that was required to put on the act of being a guy to be friends. I had two friends in highschool, and beyond people whom I had known thru car related things and became close with, I didn't really pick up friends often until the past year or two when I started to become more open with myself. In the past 6 months I've made more friends than I have in the past 6 years.......
I'm sure I'll bump into an old friend of my parents from time to time that knew me before or something like that, but honestly it doesn't really even matter if they accept it or not, it's of no consequence to me.... what are they going to do, out me! :p
Thanks Kate :) It's been fantastic, today I came home after work (not out there) changed into girl mode and met a friend for lunch. It was so nice to be out without worry or someone seeing me nad outting me, just another girl....
~Sara :)
Congratulations Sara. ;D
You have given me a lot of inspiration and some thought of how to go about it.
I have set up my girl account on facebook recently and just waiting for the right time, though it may be some time away, after I have sorted out the groundwork . Most of my friends ( on Face book ) are related to my partner, I expect a lot of backlash but you just never never know till you give it a go ;)
Congratulations Sara. I'm so happy for you. Reading the story of your life seems familiar to me (except the suicidal part). Anyway, I'm still trying to find the courage to free myself...not sure if I ever will. I do feel encouraged reading stories like yours.
One other thing...You may lose some friends but the ones you keep will be your true friends.