Ohhhhhhhhhh boy.
All of this is kind of sort of extremely new to me, and so I thought I would hang around for a while and kind of get a feel for... things. But first I'm going to tell you pretty much my entire life story. So feel free to skip to the very last sentence if you don't have the time, but if you're interested, go ahead and read :P
When I was a little kid, I always wanted to be a boy. I identified with princes, not princesses, I wanted to join cub scouts, and I wouldn't be caught dead in a dress. My parents began to catch on and encourage me to act more feminine. I have always looked up to my dad as my role model and I have always craved his attention and approval. When he began to forbid short hair cuts and force upon me dresses and the color pink, I just wanted to make him happy. So I would compromise with girly t-shirts and tried to put out of my mind the thoughts about how wrong it felt.
As I got older, I made friends with all the guys in my neighborhood. We would play guns and video games and Yu-Gi-Oh cards. But the other kids at school caught on quickly. They thought I was weird. They teased me constantly and brutally. I thought I would never ever fit in if I let this continue, so again, I did my best to put it out of my mind. When I was 12, I "slipped up" by binding my chest and wearing my father's clothes. It felt so right that it made me sick. I was completely filled with shame and remorse for doing what came naturally to me. I cried, and promised myself it would never happen again.
I began punishing myself every time I had a male thought. I began brainwashing myself. I still have the scars to show for that time in my life. I realized I was starting to fall in love with women, not men. I didn't feel like a lesbian, but that's what I felt I had to identify as. And it was closer to the truth than parading around as a straight chick. It started to get better by my senior year of high school. I was dating a girl I really loved, and we even went to prom together. I always thought "Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if I could wear a tux to prom?" But I didn't. I wore a dress. Even though I looked pretty, I didn't feel right.
When I got to college last fall, I made friends who REALLY cared about me. I began to feel comfortable enough around them to start acting more masculine-- something I had tried not to do previously-- and I even went on a shopping trip to buy a whole new wardrobe, straight from the guy's section. I stopped caring so much what my dad felt and how he thought of me. I knew I would be supported by my friends no matter what happened.
So I started to let myself think about all of this. I started to identify why I hated my body so much and whether the extra weight was REALLY the reason. It wasn't. As soon as I covered up my breasts, I immediately looked different. In that moment, I DIDN'T hate my body, at least not as much. It was an amazing feeling, but terrifying as well. I cut off all (read "most") of my hair, and my perspectives on everything just started changing. It was like there was a dark cloud hanging over me before that I didn't understand, but finally it was beginning to clear up. I knew my friends would understand, so even though it was hard, I began to tell them about everything.
Since I started all of this, I have felt so different about myself and about my world. It isn't perfect AT ALL. I want a deeper voice, I want angles, I want sideburns, I'm sick of my stupid tits, I want more than anything to be able to pass, but it's at least a start. I want to be able to introduce myself in the real world as Ian, but for now I guess I'll just introduce myself to all of you.
Hi, my name is Ian. Nice to meet you.
Hi Ian, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 70n00 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother. :icon_hug:
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Hugs and Love,
Janet
Hi Ian, it's nice to meet you! Thanks for sharing your story with us. It's nice to have a place to pour things out, and you came to the right place! Hugs, Tracey
Hi, Ian. It's nice to meet you. I'd like to shake your hand-- I'm guessing you've got a good strong grip. You've made some major changes. Way to go! I'm looking forward to getting to know you.