(betcha didn't know I could fit a novelette on one of those name tags, but here goes...)
Hello, my name is Frances and thank you, for making this such an informative, friendly and safe forum! I'm in my early 40's and have been slowly dealing with recognizing I need to transition and finding ways to make it happen. I knew as a child but was raised by strict Catholics in the 70's. They'd received the message of the times that gender was plastic, as well as direction and advice from priests and pediatricians that amounted to reparative therapy. On top of this they added their own belief in corporeal punishment. So, after a few big mistakes made surrounding which school uniform I should be wearing and which line I should stand in or bathroom to use, my little six year old self lost the battle and repressed everything. Unfortunately, she didn't really know quite what she was doing and locked safely away any sense of Self whatsoever. Photos from those years show a very serious, very sad looking kid. Anyway, I stumbled through half of life never knowing why I fit in with the women but was never fully accepted and was resolutely rejected by the boys. It was a lonely time, to say the least. I had no idea that my condition existed, only that I was not right as is and that I should have been a girl. It was all in the little things, you know? Later in school I tried to learn about the strange half thoughts that were ever present without a name, but had the bad luck of attending a Catholic college. This would have been in the late 80's & early 90's, so not much was to be achieved but trying to identify with the cases presented in Money's and Green's books. That was was discouraging and frightening to say the least.
So, with or without my cooperation or recognition, life moved forward. I met a wonderful woman (who fortunately turned out to be bi), and we began our life together. I still couldn't see through the walls of mental blocks I'd thrown up as a child to protect my Self, or even recognize they existed. I assumed those blank, empty areas of my internal thoughts and feelings were normal. We married, had a child and were expecting another when I read a more recent transwoman memoir and saw too many similarities. The mental blocks began to crack, en masse. I saw a gender therapist who I later found is known for having her own agenda based on her transitioning during the dark ages; she felt that keeping my marriage was at best, "a fantasy". I found a new therapist once I had my hrt letter. I went through a few more whenever I ran into blocks, never finding a great fit but mostly just trying to stay away from being too close to suicidal (and will continue to do so).
Meanwhile, our kids still needed their parents and a stable family life, my wife needed a spouse and co-parent and best friend and we all needed me to keep my job. So, I needed to learn how to not leap into transition. Just about everyone around me has been able to gradually and successfully adjust to the idea of me actually being a woman and needing to live as one. Short of my coworkers that is; ironically I work at a highly Christian company. They won't find out until after I leave at some point. It's the 'gradually' part that has kept me in a state of daily fighting depression for these last four years, but hey, it gave me time to take care of a few cosmetic problems that take time anyway (like...beard removal, growing out my hair, hrt changes & letting go of learned behaviors). We had decided that we would transition as a family. It's been a matter of moving forward and then waiting while other needs took precedence, then moving forward again when and as much a I could, which usually was not much. And now, it's time to move forward again.
Hi Frances, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 7000 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fanimations.fg-a.com%2FBack412a.gif&hash=a9ae4e4ae245e02788d56f99a8c4cedb2f27f18c)
- Reputation Rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.msg146855.html#msg146855)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Hi Frances, it's nice to meet you! Thanks for sharing your story with us. I hope you enjoy it here, hugs, Tracey
Quote from: frances_larina on June 05, 2011, 10:38:33 PM
(betcha didn't know I could fit a novelette on one of those name tags, but here goes...)
Wow-- you write small! Yet still very legible.
Quote from: frances_larina on June 05, 2011, 10:38:33 PM
We had decided that we would transition as a family.
I love that. I am so glad you have that kind of support.
You've found a good site. I hope you enjoy it. I look forward to hearing about your continued forward progress!