I've been thinking about this and am wondering if anyone else feels this way. I'm pretty detached from who I was pre transition, she wasn't me at all and I have no desire to be her again, but in a way I miss her. I think back on that time and it's kind of like she's an old friend who isn't around anymore, or like I'm a writer who spent years developing a character, but her story just kind of ended with no real conclusion. I guess I can see where parents of trans people are coming from when they say they feel like their son or daughter has died. I don't regret coming out or transitioning at all, but I kind of wish I could have just separated myself from her, and let her continue on as her own person. Does this make any sense and does anyone else here feel this way?
I don't feel like I'm becoming someone else. I view transitioning as making my body and gender match. My identity isn't chaining, just my looks, and therefore how others perceive me. When parents say something like that I see that they don't understand that I am simply visibly becoming myself, I am the same person that I always was. The way you call your pre transition self her, speak like they are a different person, and what not makes it sound like a split personality or something.
I see what you mean. I don't mean that I'm becoming a different person by transitioning, but before I was playing a role and trying very hard to be a person that in reality I wasn't. That's why I feel like a writer and 'she' was my character; if you write or act as a fictional character long enough, they do begin to feel real. Pre transition I kind of felt like I was inside a shell, or a costume of some sort. Does that make more sense?
I can not miss that man.
He constantly risked my life with drug abuse and getting involved in nefarious doings. He gave me HIV/AIDS. He was misserable and constaly mad at the world. He was surly and often downright vicious with the world.
He was willing to live a misserable existance rather than let me live and it wasn't until he could no longer maintain the ilussion of his existance was I free of him.
No I do not miss the man I was in the least.
The only thing I miss... are the connections to a family, most of whom died or left without trace before they could find out the person they created within their minds, was an illusion.
Actually last night I was thinking that it would be really nice to essentially split into two people, female and male. As you put it, it does feel like I'm killing off a character, and it would be nice to leave a happy, complete version of that person in the role that she previously played. However, this is more me worrying about the people around me than fondness for the person I tried to be.
I miss the life that certain friends helped me have but it wouldn't be impossible for me to achieve the same things with new people, it just sucks having to wait for myself to morph enough so that people don't judge me. OR at least for me to feel like I'm happy within myself enough to not feel paranoid of how people view me..... during this period of 'change'.
Maybe I'm just waiting for the future where I feel that I've become my new self enough for my old self to no longer be apparent.. I don't want to have to explain what I am to people if I can just wait a few months/years to reach a point where I don't need to.
No, I am happy to have left that miserable scared douchebag behind.
i can really say i don't miss one bit of who i was before transition. it was a very hard time for me. it was alot of depression, emptiness, hopelessness. i feel like it's only recently i've been born.
Quote from: Lee on June 08, 2011, 01:39:53 AM
However, this is more me worrying about the people around me than fondness for the person I tried to be.
You know, I've thought about it a little more since making this topic and I think this is pretty much what I'm feeling. Most of my family and friends are pretty accepting, but I think I have some internalized transphobia going on. I'm very happy to be transitioning but at the same time feel guilty for "killing" my old self...
Participating in life and being an accepted member of society was a lot easier before. There are times when I just get tired of all the preparation work I do prior to going out into the world. Even answering the phone requires preparation and sometimes I don't do too well.
In that respect, yeah, I miss the old self. He wasn't a bad guy at all. His only problem was being a he. And if I had to run out to the store, answer the door, answer the phone - I just did it without thinking about how I sound or how I look. I also liked how easy it was to get ready for the day; shower, a quick blow dry, get dressed and DONE! No fussing with long hair. No makeup. No trying to figure out which top goes with which bottom. Shoe selection was simple. And no purse, just put the necessities in your pockets and it's there all day, right at your fingertips.
Ah... the good ole days!
I had a forlorn moment yesterday. I set up my first appointment for laser hair removal, and it hit home that my kids would never see my facial hair again. All of them have loved it as they have grown, and it was my youngest's first point of recognition after he was born. We would play, "where's my fuzzy-face"... My wife has said multiple times that she loves it and will miss it, and I have also been kind of fond of it as well; it starts turning maroon after about half an inch of growth, is fun to style, but I digress... Intrinsically I have built up my propped-up persona with man walls, and functioned well within them. I have made a good guy with what I have to work with. But, I am not a full and happy person that way. I am very reactionary with frustration and agitation; especially in situations outside of my pre-designated responses. Half (or more) of my personality has been compartmentalized without recourse. I know that allowing myself to become the full me will benefit those around me. I have already seen how much more engaged to my life I am, having come-out to whom I have; and having the freedom to present my full self is the catalyst in that. I do not regret leaving the hollow, shelled, and repressive existence behind. I do lament the fact that I will deprive those I love, of a romanticized future that I have spent years building and trying to fulfill. It is that pressure on the shell that made it crack. Letting go of the postulation is hard though, for it is what has protected me from feeling sadness, ridicule, vulnerability, elation, contentment, or anything really. I have marginalized myself being who I thought others expected me to be, and filling the role that I felt was expected of me; to my own determent. I cannot help but to feel selfish in this path, for it is the first real thing that I am doing without any pretense of some sort. I cannot escape the desire to be all things to all people, but I can build my comfort in doing what is right for myself to be the best me I can be for those around me now, and in the future. And, besides I have to deal with myself for the rest of my life, so I deserve to be as comfortable and connected with myself as possible. In a nutshell yes, I will miss parts of the facade, but the new embodiment with a foundation in truth will have plenty of benefit to those involved that there will be more gained than lost.
Quote from: cynthialee on June 07, 2011, 10:34:10 PM
I can not miss that man.
He constantly risked my life with drug abuse and getting involved in nefarious doings. He gave me HIV/AIDS. He was misserable and constaly mad at the world. He was surly and often downright vicious with the world.
He was willing to live a misserable existance rather than let me live and it wasn't until he could no longer maintain the ilussion of his existance was I free of him.
No I do not miss the man I was in the least.
Sounds like my poor miserable life.. well i did do 'some good things' like building 6 green homes + 6 green apartments and running recovery homes for over 35 recovering addicts (at a time) for 13 yrs but besides that, the rest was awash in a person torn up with too strong a sex drive that made me feel like a letch everytime a woman got near. Ironically i transitioned and looked pretty good and then i had men letching after me (gaggg) = karma got me = now i am just a simple androgenous soul doing good things and not feeling bad and no longer feeling like i have any bad karma to pay back :angel:
Though I don't really think of myself as two different people, I've found it beneficial to dissociate from my self-destructive thoughts and actions by attributing them to "the boy." He wasn't a bad soul, really. He was funny and well-liked. I just know that his internal world was a mental hell that didn't reflect reality. He tried to kill me more than 20 times out of severe self-loathing, despite being surrounded by many people who loved him.
That's the part I've left behind now that the girl who remained hidden beneath the surface has been allowed to blossom. The harmful actions have ceased, but the distorted self-image hasn't. I'm working hard now to make that go away too. I admit it's a struggle that consumes much of my day and my energy, and I'm betting on it getting easier over time, but this is an exercise in patience and understanding the likes of which I've never engaged in before. I'm delving deeper into myself than ever before because now I'm allowed to. I'm allowed to feel love and joy, and in so doing, can express it more freely to others. The boy had that ability, but not the strength to undertake the mental cleansing in which I'm now engaged.
So no... insofar as how battered and defeated I was, I don't miss my old self. But I'm happy the best parts of that self have come with me.
How could I possible miss my old self, from what I can remember I was a depressing, short tempered, horrible unhappy young troublesome teenager who was going to grow into a differcult angry young man, it was going to be differcult for me and those around me.
Instead I grew into a very attractive and pretty young woman, my transition benefit me and those around me, I remember my Mother saying I was more ''bubbly and lively spirited'' as a girl.
I now have a Husband, I think I make a successful housewife, Id be a failure as a husband.
Quote from: Julie Marie on June 08, 2011, 08:39:39 AM
I also liked how easy it was to get ready for the day; shower, a quick blow dry, get dressed and DONE! No fussing with long hair. No makeup. No trying to figure out which top goes with which bottom. Shoe selection was simple. And no purse, just put the necessities in your pockets and it's there all day, right at your fingertips.
That quote just reminds me, it is expensive being a woman, yes I do fuss over my hair, skin care, nails and makeup, it does take me endless time getting ready, but my Husband appreciates my efforts, treats me like a lady and spoils me like a girl, because Im a woman, my old self is history.
Pauline
I consider myself a continuous person, who just had their anatomy and neurones jiggled about abit. I refer to myself only as a discontinious entity when others do it. (to try and empathize with them and not dismiss their pain)
Pre-transition part of me wanted to do somthing like that ie copy my brain into a alternate sex clone then commit suicide. So that part of me would have survived and gone on happy. As the major reason I couldn't kill myself all those times before was because I didn't want to hurt my family.
Knowing that my emotional state had fallen so far prior I think it would have been brutally cruel to ask anyone to experience that.
In a way, I am my old self, or at least like I was when I was much younger.
I remember when I was a little kid, I was fairly genderless. Sometimes I'd do something in a 'feminine' or 'masculine' way, but those were basically playing pretend; I'd take turns wearing the 'girl' hat and the 'boy' hat.
This didn't stick around, as people generally don't like children acting in the manner of the 'opposite' gender (as I'm sure we can all relate to). People started saying "You're a boy, so do this thing", and "you're a boy, so don't do this thing", and I learned they only really liked me with the boy hat on. So it became stuck, and the boy hat took on a life of its own.
Rebelling against it led me to think for a while that the girl hat was the better option, but it started to run into similar problems. It was basically trading one prison cell for another. I eventually figured out that I can't really be defined as one or the other; they were both just facades.
When I stopped trying to define myself in relation to these two facades, they lost their power, and I reverted to something like my younger self. I still have them; they are useful and fun to play with from time to time, but they're just hats. They don't really define me anymore.
I have to say though, I do not miss the times I was forced to play pretend.
Yeah, I hear what you are saying. I see pictures and sometimes wish she could have been happy. But I am soo glad I am who I am now.
I have changed a LOT since transitioning. Yes, I am still me, but my priorities have changed. And I can see that had I been born male in the first place my life would have been a lot different, some good and some bad. I don't have regrets, but I can see where things would have been different.
I don't miss being her; she put on a good front and tried hard but inside was not happy. I am happy. My life isn't perfect and sometimes I feel stuck. But I have no regrets.
I think those of you who transition young have a much better chance of realizing what potential you have in life as YOURSELF from the beginning, rather than muddling around for decades trying to prove you are the gender you are not, making career and life partner choices you might not have made had you not been trying so valiantly to force yourself into society's role for you.
Jay
I'm pretty apathetic about my old self, mainly because they're the exact same person I am now, except sadder and more shy. I don't feel like I have anything to mourn because I'm not losing my female side, but finally accepting it as a part of me. I'm changing my body, not my soul, and my body I'm more than happy to lose.
Quote from: Espenoah on June 09, 2011, 01:50:22 PM
I'm pretty apathetic about my old self, mainly because they're the exact same person I am now, except sadder and more shy. I don't feel like I have anything to mourn because I'm not losing my female side, but finally accepting it as a part of me. I'm changing my body, not my soul, and my body I'm more than happy to lose.
And thats what is so great when you transition early.. yeaaa for early transitions
I feel this way a lot... I do at times really miss my old self. I miss the simplicity of being him, having more of my old friends and my family around. I miss the way that I got to interact with people as him, peeing standing up, and I miss flirting with girls. It was nice to just wake up and go, and although I rarely wear makeup now, it still seems to take me a lot longer to get ready.... and I seem to care a lot more about it =P I also miss his independence... even though I was a small boy, I am an even more tiny girl... and I feel vulnerable when I go outside by myself. As him I never really had thoughts like "oh I hope I don't get attacked, or sure hope nobody tries to rape me..." but now I have those thoughts. and they make me fearful at times.
However, if I were to suddenly, somehow, revert back to being a boy overnight... I would miss the freedom to be myself now. I would miss looking in the mirror and liking the person I see... and even feeling pretty at times. I would miss being able to smile, laugh and interact with people as I feel comfortable. As a boy I hid my emotions and I refused to smile because it made me appear so feminine, and I thought it would give me away. I would miss the ability to dress up, even though it's a rare occasion that I do... I like the option =) I would miss the friends I have who truly accept me for who I am, and I'd also miss flirting with boys =P However, I would NOT miss bras, crying for no reason, or peeing sitting down =)
I can't live in the past. He coped as well as he could with courage and bravery, but she is my present and future, with more courage and bravery, and love for her fellow beings, which he could not express and she finds it so easy to do.
Cindy
I'm glad you started this post; I've been thinking the same thing recently. I know what you mean about it being like a character who's story ended without a conclusion. I'm glad I came out, and I don't want to go back to trying to be someone I'm not, but I sort of miss her at times. I guess it's mostly that I put so much effort into trying to be a girl, and I made it work as well as possible, so I dislike losing all of that work. Also, I had some good times as a girl, and I connected with people as a girl, so I still think back on those times fondly, even though it's sad to think that I could have been so much happier just being myself.
I am not far along myself, but... I kill off important characters in my stories all the time. Everytime I do, I feel a little bad especially if there is no good climax from their death, but I feel it is important so I do it.
I think if I progress more forward I may feel the way the OP does, though it is hard for me to think there is anything I could miss about the "male" me, but I am the sentimental type and I do even miss my villain characters when I kill them off, so it makes sense that I would, even if it is hard to imagine.
Funny I thought I was strange for thinking/feeling this; I sometimes wish the male and female parts of me could have been divided into two people, with me of course the resulting female, leaving the "male" side of me intact but free from the conflict of having me inside him. He could continue the life he was living, only happier, and I could go on and fully blossom and be myself.
I won't say I miss who I was, not at all, but I do understand how you feel about "killing off" someone that was an integral part of your life-- in my case-- for 40 years.
As someone said, he wasn't a bad guy, after all, he just had a problem that messed with his life and his ability to be happy.
Yeh I myself find myself there. I don't regret this transition least for myself, but regret it on my family. I also do miss certain things... because... well kinda emberrased to admit but I have always been a very emotional and sensitve person I guess and while it wasn;t easier to deal with these emotions before started transition there was less fear of how others would think of it. and am finding myself right now in this cycle of anxiety, and depression and unfortunantly it's making it difficult to get things done need to do. I talk to my therapist about these issues but long these issues plague me it makes it difficult to work on actually resolving some things that would eleiviate at least some the stresses. Would love to get everything done and only have to work on getting emotional well being together. Right now it's a torent of both as I am physically passing to everyone when I go out but in my own home in rl but when i am home alone and sometimes talking to people online I feel like am fragile.
It's hard because I'm like a guy shouldn;t be this way but I am and I think maybe I am trying to hard in much the same way I tried and failed to be a girl everyone expected me to be, I am trying to hard to be the expected socially accepted guy and not relaxing and just being myself. Thing is I'm not sure anymore who I am. I was somewhat androgonous as a young child but more towards the boyish side before I ever cared about anything genderwise, girl was just a name not an identity. I was innocent and unknowing and uncaring what the world thought. Yeh as started getting older I indentified more with the boys but of course I was being told i was a girl. In a way what i miss is not carring what anyone thought and just being myself. I'm not a girl, but I just want be comfortable in myself as a guy not worried about what everyone else thinks I should be doing as a guy. I dono. When i'm out I put on the tough face, but when I am home I am broken.
So guess I do miss the boy when I was a kid. Yeh I called myself a girl even then but in some ways i was still a boy without saying so or knowing why I was the way i was. even if even then I was emotional and issues of confidence. The girl I tried to be for a time was more in my teens and was so strange to me, and left a print on me that makes me bit uneasy. Habits that picked up then that still trying figure how to... well finding myself having difficulty learning how to express myself without the girl habits picked up in my teens.
No, a good part of him is still there. Despite the troubles I went through, my male part did not do those things that my generation did. Free love with it's many partners, drugs, alcohol, and some of the other things my generation did that my parent's generation (WWII, Great Depression) for the most part did not. I guess I am keeping the good part of him, even though my body and mind are slowly feminizing. I just realized that when my little brother wants me to be his best man at his wedding next week. I may not crossdress at all in the for-seeable future. I don't have a stitch of women's clothing anyway, I guess I didn't want any.
I will still take the HRT for a long time to come because I do not want to be the mind fogging, bad part of my former self that made me felt unclean, unholy, unworthy and unwelcome! The same thing that brought on the depression, GIRD, anxiety, and probably trashed my prostate! All of those bad things things have not appeared since January. I didn't have this kind of relief for this amount of time, not even on those 4 antidepressants that were fed me, not even close!
Joelene
Quote from: Sylvester on June 07, 2011, 09:24:20 PM
I've been thinking about this and am wondering if anyone else feels this way. I'm pretty detached from who I was pre transition, she wasn't me at all and I have no desire to be her again, but in a way I miss her. I think back on that time and it's kind of like she's an old friend who isn't around anymore, or like I'm a writer who spent years developing a character, but her story just kind of ended with no real conclusion. I guess I can see where parents of trans people are coming from when they say they feel like their son or daughter has died. I don't regret coming out or transitioning at all, but I kind of wish I could have just separated myself from her, and let her continue on as her own person. Does this make any sense and does anyone else here feel this way?
Wow, I share this feeling. Each sentence you said really struck a chord in me.
I'm the kind of person who
hates permanent goodbyes/endings. On top of that I tend to form positive memories of difficult times, as long as they made me a stronger person.
Before I knew transition was possible, I truly tried to be the best son to my parents that I knew how to be. I had my own image of what a guy should be with admirable qualities (which now I know I admired for a different reason), and I gave this individual an actual existence until he was in college. I totally understand what you mean about a character's story randomly left off in the middle of his/her journey through life.
In an ideal world, with the ability to switch your biological sex at any time, I don't think it would bother me too much to let him come around a few days each month. ...Or since he was a really hot guy we could split into two people and have fun with each other. *receives weird looks* Oh come on, I'm joking, but we used to be in the same body anyway so what's wrong with it? :D
No! not at all.
Why would I missing pretending and lying to everyone including myself about who I was?
I haven't transitioned yet, but I miss some stuff that I never thought twice about while I knew that I was a boy inside but too dense to put 2 and 2 together. Like sleepovers with my friends. I feel like I shouldn't do that now since I was raised by my parents to think that's wrong.
I don't think I'm killing my female part though, since my male part has always been with me making sarcastic comments about what my female part would do.
It makes it sound like split personalties, I just think it's me double thinking everything. Actually arguing with myself XD
I just know that I'm still me no matter what. The difference is me only living for other(me as a female) and living for myself(me as a male).
I don't think I'm making sense. lol, if I AM crazy, I'm having fun with it~