Wow these updates are so awesome!

The trough is why many of us just stick with daily oral E.

Hugs Cynthialee, thank you.

Went to Therapist, Gym and Group Thursday and spoke to Brother-in-law tonight and we discussed:

Brother-in Law
He was completely supportive and said he loves me and it changes nothing and he will always be there for me. We talked for 1/2 an hour. I did tear up during the talk and while typing this. Niece's and nephew's some time in the future after I tell my wife I am out to some family. I am a happy girl again.

Therapist
1) I am reading, "Outing Yourself" and admitted to myself I really am only sexually attracted to guys and can only be with my wife thinking she is a guy during sex. She asked how I was feeling and I said dirty like I did when I was younger. I took a lot of crap when I was younger and felt dirty when I had sex with guys. I had sex when I was really young and I still have that feeling of shame and that I am doing something wrong.
2) I told the therapist I just looked at my college diploma last year and hung it up in my office with my license. I told her I never looked at my high school diploma. she asked why and I told her I felt like I did not belong. I was an outsider and I had a lot of issues in college with gender and sex. I told her I never fit in and I had alcohol and drug friends and not a true friend I was honest with. There was one true friend  in high school and he dumped me in senior year for a girl ( that really hurt). 

Group
Group was good, no one was threatening suicide this week. We revisited last week and the person was in a much better place. I practice the 7 main reasons not to kill yourself from 101 reasons not to kill yourself. One is to help others and I helped her last week and this week. She was extremely grateful and I said I am the one who is being helped. She looked puzzled. It gives me a reason to be here, if not for her someone else, even myself.

Gym
My trainer is very cool. We discussed nutrition (she makes super healthy variety meals for others) and meditation and where to go ( I need to learn meditation to cope better and accept). Each week I let a little bit of me out and she is very accepting. I talked about my addictions, weight / eating disorder and using 10 week commitments / plans ( I told her the basis of the 10 weeks is how long a bottle of E lasts) to go forward and what I do to cope with my stresses. I briefly mentioned mirrors and I hate them during the routines.

I had a really fantastic week. I can not believe how accepting my immediate family has been.

I just did my third shot, this time unsupervised on my bed, just incase.

I did it without a problem. I had the start of an uneasy feeling afterwards and I just told myself it was nothing stop it. I walked around and I think this helped.

I know this is not a big deal for most but for me it is a big achievement. I never thought I could do this and as time passed I had to do it. I knew it had better effect from the girls in group but I had no idea how well I would react to the medication. I look forward to the next 10 days

Happy girl again

Cynthia,
Just read your October 24th post... you help me in many ways...
I feel so much like you.. we seem similar in many ways but we should since we both are dealing with basically the same thing and things..
I had a meltdown this weekend when  I had thought my wife went to the bathroom at a club but she was chatting with a dude..
I have given her the green light to date.. and see others but we were in a town for first time since I started this so it was my old male territory..
The male part of me came out... and then the inner conflict took over later and I cried for a long time ....reality hit me hard...
I called my therapist and told her we needed more than just an hour tomorrow... i have a lot to talk about..
I don't think I am as strong as I thought I was.. to handle a lot of this..
Anyway hope you have a great week....
Love Ya,
Carrie

Hi Carrie, hugs

I know this is incredibly difficult on you. You shared so much with your wife and it is not easy to let go and let her start a new life without you. You will always have the memories of the good times and your children. You are starting a new life too so it is equally hard on her. Perhaps seeing it happen focused everything up close. I hope you can get relief; I am sorry you experienced this, love Cindy.

When I consider how difficult some girls have it and their resolve to be true to self in spite of it all I am humbled and shamed.
I know for a fact that had Sevan not been on board with my transition I would still be living a mans life. I know I would not have been able to go it alone and make a go of it without my spouses support.

Hi Cynthialee, hugs

When I go to group there are girls that are so strong and have it so incredibly difficult. I do not know how they do it. I see so many on the street it is heart breaking. I am helping one but I wish I could help them all. I am so lucky to be alive and get all the help I get, love Cindy.

Hey girls.
I am better now... sometimes I think the hormones can really mess with me.. I just had finished my normal course of progesterone.. seems to affect me ..
Good news today is my daughter is having a Bday party for one of the grandkids and it was not long ago she wanted me out of their lives.. now she can't get me there enough.. she wants them to see me change so its not all at once.. Not sure what changed..
Love you girls,
Carrie

Hi Carrie, I am happy you are feeling better. Hormones definitely influence how we feel about personal issues.

Yesterday at work the Office manager ( I am out to) said my face looked really good and then later in the beginning of a meeting a guy said I looked different and had a glow. He asked what I was doing and did I change my diet.

I went to the therapist, gym and group tonight and this is what happened.

Therapist
1- I told her I came out to my brother-in-law and that he was fantastic. I gave the details.
2- Discussed the book "Outing Yourself" and pertinent parts. This book is helping me a lot even though if is for gay and lesbians.
3- Went over one guy squeezing my boobs at work, one guy I think hit on me and another guy that is cute. All three are cute. She talked about the sexual harassment of the guy that squeezed my boobs and I said I can not survive making charges. She asked how I felt and I said a little embarrassed and a little bit I liked it.
4- I went over what my sister asked and said. She asked what meds I am on (she is a nurse).I told her E, P, Spiro, finasteride and occasional Cialis. She asked what the Cialis was for and does my wife have sex with you? I know the question was not meant to hurt but it did. I told my sister of my past and she asked why I got married and all I could say is it was my fault. I did not know what else to say. My therapist and I went over the way my wife and I meet and how she and I immediately connected.

Gym

The workout was wonderful and I am making progress. I still need to work on my diet. She asked how much water I drink a day and she was surprised. I told her the effects of spiro. I then went over my meds and I said I had chest and neck pains since I was 18 and 3 days after starting HRT I never had them again. We talked a bit and she is really a great person.

Group
Group was great tonight. There was a conversation about HRT with a new girl. It was said 97% of the girls who go to where I go get meds right away after their blood test. After the meeting a girl asked me my time line and I said I did not have one and that I am doing what feels good and stretching my constraints. I told her I was not able to get HRT for 4 months and not allowed to go to group for 9 months because I had been suicidal and tried several times. I said I feel so alive now and I just want it to continue growing into myself.   

I got a hug from one of the girls after I crossed the street, she ran over. I had given her some help a minute earlier and she is the one helping me. The feeling is the best feeling in the world. While driving home later I realized there were two trans hugging on the busy sidewalk and no one notice or said anything. We were in the gayborhood but still it felt very good to not be harassed for expressing friendship and thanks.

Cynthia,
Someone once asked me why I got married in the first place.. I was like.. seriously.. I thought I was the only one in the world like me and I was just doing the dude thing I was supposed to do the best I could.. I did pretty damn good at it too...
The person is a lesbian and she of all people should understand...
Sounds like you are doing awesome...
I feel like ten times better. Even worked out twice today.... trying to reach a certain weight goal by January.. its hard work.
Have a great Friday and weekend Cynthia.
Carrie
Actually spelling my name Keri now.. need to change it sometime on here..

Little secret....
I have sex with my spouse and this in no way invalidates my gender identity.
But as my spouse is in the transmasculine camp it kind of seems right in a way. In my weird world men have vagina and women have penis.

Quote from: cynthialee on November 02, 2014, 11:22:44 AM
Little secret....
I have sex with my spouse and this in no way invalidates my gender identity.
But as my spouse is in the transmasculine camp it kind of seems right in a way. In my weird world men have vagina and women have penis.

Cynthialee,
I remember someone once saying they were gender fluid.. and I was like what?? how can that be..
Now I understand.. totally...
I was at a club and a chick hit on me.. or liked me.. and she was with her boyfriend/husband.. not sure.. and I sat down with them and we had a blast.. even told them I was trans.. the girl was really hot and invaded my space which was ok with me and the dude was like so handsome... talk about being in heaven.. until my soon to be ex wife dragged me out of there thinking they were both after me..LOL  I was like thanks so much for saving me.....Not!! Sorry that was off the subject.. but thought you would enjoy the story. I am not full time yet but I confuse people.. it was the first time a dude has ever bought me a drink.. made my night.
Carrie

Cynthialee and Keri, hugs

Keri, I hope you go back to the club next weekend and the couple is there

Cynthialee, thanks for reinforcing there is no trans rules about sex and love.

My wife when I told her I am trans immediately thought I was going to leave her for a guy. It took a while to convince her I was not telling her I was leaving but that I was trans.

My sister thought all trans sexuality was heterio and my wife would be grossed out by me. I admit there were times she had to stop having sex (early on) because she could not handle being with me.

Both my sister and wife were honest in what they thought and with my wife it took time, consistency and reinforcement to alter her perception.  The future is not written and I am just grasping to remain in the present. When I am faced with ignorance expressed as innocent comments or statements it hurts.   

I went to the therapist, gym and group Thursday and had issues Tuesday and Thursday night:

Therapist
1) My therapist had lent me a book. "outing Yourself". I liked this book even though it was from 1994 and about LGB. I had no idea LGB suffered   the same dysphoria and self hate as trans for other than non-body and gender issues. Also, it was a step by step process on coming out and it is very pertinent and useful.
2) Went over my surprise at how those family I came out to later called and came out themselves about their sexuality and addictions and children's addictions. I am clean and sober 17 years. It took me many years for my body to recover. I had a passing thought that I am the most "normal" in my family. I never expected the sharing of information and I a lot of people have heavy burdens. I use to think I was the dumb and weak one in the family. I have been facing my fears and changing my behaviors, I am learning to be me and it feels so good. I guess I have something to be proud about.

Gym
My trainer really works me hard during the hour. She is fantastic. She asked why I don't look in the mirrors as she instructs over and over during the work-out ( for form control). I just looked down and shrugged. She knows I am trans and I had in the past done over my meds prior to starting training. She said ok and then changed the subject to my eating success and opportunities during the week. she had taken me to the Main weight areas where I never would have dared to go by myself and I told her that. She seamed surprised.

Group
Group was fantastic with the exception of one girl being escorted out for a rules violation. She is such a nice person and I feel bad for her. I hope she comes next week. She is usually such a positive influence and she has so much to offer us in experience and perspective. Everyone there is recovering so I know how hard it is and we all deal with dysphoria and social anxiety in our own ways.

Tuesday Night
I came home from work and I did not feel like voting. My wife edged me to vote and I was heading out to when she said who am I voting for. I said that is personal and I did not want to discuss it. She asked a few more times and she was getting mad. She said you know republicans do not support ->-bleeped-<-s. I said that is a derogatory term and she said it a few more times. I left, voted  and when I came back I sat next to her and told he I voted and she asked who for and was really demanding and wanted to know why I have everything as a secret. I thought and then I said straight D. She looked away and continued with words with friends. Wednesday I told her why it is so difficult for me to tell her who I vote for. 1) Others will know how I feel and 2) I fear being judged by others for the smallest of things.

Thursday night
I came home from group 2 hour and 40 minutes later than a normal work night. I do this every week. My wife was angry I go to group and started an argument and my daughter got into the argument. The things that were said to me were really ugly. I asked if they know what homo-phobia and trans-phobia is. My wife said homo-phobia is fear of homos and trans phobia is fear of trans. I asked them if they know what dysphoria is and they had some dumb answer. I had in the past provided books and articles but they did not read them and they do not listen to me. Last night and today was bad and it peaked coming home. 1.5 hours of crying in my car. I had the worst cravings to get numb I have had in  years.  I thought of moving out or doing something to end the pain. I am lucky it was rush hour and traffic was very slow. I got it out and although I feel drained I am better. My daughter is sleeping over a friends tonight. I just can not get it out of my mind what she was saying to me. A piece of me died last night. She really does not love me anymore and pure hate was expressed last night. She ended it with, "I am dead to her".

I stood my ground and I will not stop going to my therapist, group or the gym. My daughter will be going off to college in September and I hope she can grow personally well as with her studies. I am doing what I need to keep healthy and engaged. I know they do not know how their words hurt and added to my dysphoria. I have already made my choice and they have not realized I can not go back.

I know the hurt will fade and I am ok now.

I feel for you Cynthia.  It saddens me to know that your wife and your daughter both are ganging up on you with the hurt.  I am sorry.

I am hopeful, however, to see you bring up high points in the same post as your low ones.  Keep looking up, it will get better with your bright hope and attitude! 

*hugs*

Sarah Marie

Cynthia,
Sorry you had some bad experiences this week..  I hope you do something for yourself this weekend,  I know this is trivial but I was upset because the new movie Interstellar came out and I want to go see it.. I am a huge fan of anything that fly's especially when it has to do with space travel..
Anyway I have no one to go with.. my wife does not like those movies and no friends to make time.. so I just bought a ticket and realize I might have to get used to doing things by myself...sometimes.
So, if you like movies like that .. may be something to see.  Its almost three hours long... should be interesting movie..
So, take care..
Hugs
Carrie

Thank you Sarahmarie and Carrie, hugs

This week my wife stopped using the word ->-bleeped-<- and is using trans or transgender, she is making an effort to change

I went to the Therapist, Gym, Group and work and these are the highlights:

Therapist
1) I went over the particulars of what was said and the cause of last Thursday nights issues at home (my jeans and top). One thing is certain my wife and daughter are completely ignorant on trans issues.
2) I was able to get 70% reimbursement form my insurance company for therapy including past sessions. It was 30%. This changed when I change therapists and it took 11 months to find out why and get it corrected.
3) I discussed what was past laser which is electrolysis. I really want my Adams apple shaved although it is very small. I discussed an orchi and my wife may see that as an issue but not a game changer. My therapist said what if you do not stay with you wife and it limits your chances for GRS later. She has a good point but perhaps this it something for later decisions when I see just how well I respond to HRT injections 6 months to a year and see if I can further grow my identity and be totally out and express.

Gym
My trainer kicked my butt and it felt good. She uses different exercises each week  (some are the same but done differently). I used kettles this week for the first time. They seamed simple at first but quickly became a challenge. I did many exercised I thought I could not do, that was cool. She kept saying do not doubt yourself, you can do it. She really wants me to use the mirrors for form and said a few times, "why don't you use the mirror" and "I will break you of the habit of looking down instead of the mirror". I wanted to tell her but there were two guys in the room and I did not want to say I am deformed and ugly. I really do not like my reflection or any pictures.

Group
Group went well and I really like going. There are so many different trans there and each is on a different path or part of their journey. Three things said really hit home. Self doubt (brief and associated with extreme despair ), misgendering even though fully dresses and waiting for hormones. I think we really made a difference in some girls lives in group. Everything said I can relate to and everyone "gets it" like we share something in common, go figure. There were two beautiful girls in group and I dwelled on that a bit today. The only if I addressed my fears when I was young thing, vey real and painful.

Work

I filled out an employee questionnaire for hazmat training with PAPR, hazard trash removal and monitor training starting next week. This is a volunteer only training for a potential response. I had to answer a questionnaire with about 150 questions as a first step. I thought I would get through it then the question what medications are you on and list them. I listed fin, spiro, delestrogen and progesterone. I pause before I submitted the form. Well, I guess I am now out to Employee Health  . I guess they will know why my hair is long and I smile a lot. It felt good hitting the button and knowing 4 or 5 will soon know, odd how things change. Maybe next time I do my TB, flue and health screening I will fill out the F box on the forms.

Overall a pretty great week.

I received an e-mail from the Director of Employee Health stating I need to make an appointment tomorrow with a Nurse Practitioner in Employee Health to review my meds that I listed on the volunteer questioner, (This is a volunteer for something not many are volunteering for.)  Spiro, Fin, Delestrogen and progesterone. Also, I checked off diabetic (hA1C has been 5 to 5.2 for 1.5 years and my non fasting blood sugar is 89 from my last blood test in September).

I have known these Nurses for a very long time and talk to them frequently.  Part of my nervousness is they now know I am trans and this is a first meeting as such another part is I will be evaluated ( I hope I do not have to take my shirt off or undress) and lastly they will make a determination.

I have been working on addressing my fears with my therapist. This one presented today and I need to hit it head on tomorrow.

Still here reading.

Hi Cynthialee, I am glad you are still reading, Hugs

Thursday I went to the therapist, gym and group

Group
Group was depressing. There were a lot of emotions in the room. It was trans day of remembrance. Then with about 20 minute left the moderator asked if there was anything we were thankful for and no skips. So it went from bad to very bad. I felt a bond form from what was said. I keep thinking of all the pain and suffering in that room.

Gym
Went well and I got my core ripped apart She gives me nutritional advice and I am starting to listen and change my behaviors. Oh, and my legs are starting to look beautiful .

Therapist
I am in a reoccurring cycle with my wife. For example, I get asked what I want for Christmas. I show her then she says some mean things and solicits comments from my daughter. So my therapist said do not fall into the cycle. So I have a plan. I wanted a North Face Alpine coat. I am 6'3" and my wife is right it probably will not fit. So I found a coat, stylish in a male selection that looks just like the female selection only the female selection is narrower in the waist. My therapist said she knows a FTM who is super cool that would Taylor it. I was thinking perhaps I could have some tops tailored too.

My therapist is into empowering and I think I need to start doing and stop thinking.


Home
When I got home Thursday, like every Thursday there is an argument. This time I left a pair of panties on the dryer. My wife asked if it was mine or our daughters. I had a little chuckle, looked in the light, said my daughters then change my mind because she has Victoria Secret and I do not. My wife said it is sad my husband has the same style panties as our daughter. There was more said. I did not back down then my daughter said she did not have a Dad anymore and she did not believe people are transgender. That took the wind out and I stopped in my tracks. I was hurt.

Work
I am in a HRC report with my picture. It is about Hospital ratings on LGBT ( I need to lose a little in the love handles and I am working on it).  (During the Pride parade some trans from the crowds came up to me en route and walked with me,  it felt very good. I guess I look trans because I was the only one they were walking with and dancing to) I e-mailed my boss saying I was going to thank the COO (President) about the HRC score but thought it may be inappropriate. I said I am fine if he wanted to disclose my gender to her and that I am thankful for all the hard work the hospital has done in the past two years for all the patients, families and staff. 

Thursday Group was tough but I feel so connected with the group I do not know if it was good or bad. Perhaps a little of both. I think I grew a bit that night.