So I gained some measure of confidence in an epiphany on a bus surrounded by obnoxious people while clinging to a cello for dear life. And yet another one while walking home recently. both were epiphanies of self-confidence and certainty that yes, this
is what I truly want (thank you therapist for asking). Funny, we had an essay yesterday and the topic was the relationship between certainty and doubt.
Well, the certainty in my own self, something she had commented on by saying I wasn't confident in my male identity, took a boost of ridiculous proportions. So I've started to explain the whole situation to those people I couldn't tell, because screw it, I'm not what they think I am. But the best part has been messing with the underclassmen in my gym class to the point where they literally have no clue what gender I am, nor what my biological sex is. I've been hinting them towards male just because they act as if their brains will explode if they can't place me into one category or the other. It's hilarious
The reactions of the people I've been coming out to are hilarious too. One guy just automatically assumed that I'm a dude with a girl name. I mean, it is pretty much the truth, but eh.
If only I had the right parts. Combating dysphoria with lots of layers and socks is making me sad because I want to just take my shirt off and not have to panic about what if some person is somehow able to see me through the blinds, or about the random issues with girl parts, or this whole social scene. I mean jeez, you'd never ask a cisguy to grow his hair out while going on about how it's every girl's dream to have that kind of hair and ignoring his protests, then asking him "How's your boyfriend?" in that way girls talk to...well, other girls. Eww.
Seriously, I don't sound gay and she knows too. Maybe I'll try to bring it up gently. Though I'm certainly enjoying this whole process, it's great watching people be confused.