I was born a woman. I identify as a woman. But I want a penis

[Maxx]

Hi! Im Maxx. I'm 15. I've been confused about my gender and have been for a while. I was born a girl and I identify as one, but at the same I don't feel like a girl. I also don't feel like a guy and I don't feel like I am sometimes a boy or sometimes a girl. 
I like being feminine and I like wearing dresses and skirts. I like doing makeup and I know that these things don't define me as a woman because just because people don't have to fit in a box . I don't really get a chance to express myself in any masculine ways because my mother is very controlling when it comes to the way I express myself.
I don't like having a vagina and it makes me really uncomfortable. I don't want a vagina and when I go to the bathroom I kinda expect a dick to be there instead. I want to have a penis instead of a vagina and I don't really know what to do because I don't identify as a man and I'm not gender fluid or non-binary. I don't like having a vagina and when I imagine myself with a penis I just feel better about myself and I feel more comfortable with myself.
I don't know what to do because I have never heard of someone like me before. I can't really talk to anyone about this. I can't tell my mom because she already doesn't accept my sexuality( I'm grey ace) even though she said she would when I first told her I was questioning and she doesn't accept the fact my sister is bisexual either. My dad is really accepting and I love him so much for that, but this really isn't something I want to talk with him about. I have a therapist that I could talk to it about but I'm not really sure. I don't really want to tell my friends about how I feel either and I just have no one to talk to. I need help figuring me out.

[Julia1996]

Hi Maxx . I'm Julia. Welcome to the site.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. What you have posted isn't that uncommon around here. Some people have unclear feelings about themselves but as they progress through therapy, they are able to define themselves better as the opposite gender. Other are a member of the non binary family and are always a mix of both genders. You will have to be the one who figures out where you are most comfortable but I am going to give you 5 special links for you to review. The first is our WIKI where you may find a term that describes what you feel. The next is "the transition channel" 🔗 [Link: youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-​KsVjvmLLw/] where a therapist will help you explore what you feel. The last three deal with bigender/gender fluid and a non binary thread.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,202966.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,201219.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196073.0.html

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[Elis]

There are many different types of transgender non binary identities; nb is an umbrella term used instead of having to explain your own particular type. Like a binary trans person, some only want to socially transition, some want to take HRT but not have any surgeries, some want some surgeries but not HRT and some want HRT and surgeries. It all depends on what would make you comfortable within your own body.

You might want to check out the non binary network on tumblr and YouTube for more information or 'beyond the binary' an online magazine about all things nb.

For me I identify as a demi male (someone who feels mostly male but also another gender, for me I feel slightly like I don't have a gender at all). And I'm also demisexual;  so it's nice to meet another ace person on the forum 🙂

[Dani]

Maxx,

At 15 years of age, we all experienced thoughts of self doubt and confusion just like you do. You mentioned a therapist. Is he or she experienced in transgender therapy? You said that your father is accepting. That is very good, since many of us get disowned and thrown out of the house. Maybe your mother will come around later. Having the support of both your parents is very important for everyone your age.

In a few years, you will be on your own. That is when many of us take our first steps to transition. Some of us wait until much later and try to tough it out. That is what I did and I just had to finally be myself.

Currently the FTM surgical procedures are limited and only partially create a fully functional penis. Maybe the future holds some improvement in this area.

[Elis]

Maxx,


Currently the FTM surgical procedures are limited and only partially create a fully functional penis. Maybe the future holds some improvement in this area.

Just wanted to say bottom surgery has improved a lot. You can still retain sensitivity from phalloplasty depending on where you get the skin graft from. Yeah you'll need a pump put in to achieve erections; but I don't see that as much of a hassle.

[Elis]

Also should have mentioned earlier there's another type of bottom surgery you can get called metoidioplasty which has the added benefit of using the skin you already have to create a penis; as well as having the option to keep your vagina intact. Although you'll need to use DHT cream to grow your clitoris which is irreversible.