Survey Error: A Committee accidentally vetoed my femininity at birth

[Avalisy Lasventa [AVSR]]

   Good morning. Well, around a year ago at the start of 2016, at the fairly juvenile age of 13-14, I found that there was a very slight error with my cirstances around being born to a male body.
   We are all aware, that when we are born we are immediately presented with a clipboard with the following options: "M", "F", and a green crayon to tick based on our preference. Now I apparently ticked the "M" option by accident, which has led to some fairly unpleasant situations since. Either that, or a committee in the room next door to my birth vetoed my form.
   I fully discovered this marginal error, after my mind began very vividly portraying myself as female 24/7/365, and giving me an entire cakewalk of searing anxiety (anxiety is unusual to me in most other situations), whilst making me forcefully suppress my wish want to vomit and cry/&scream. Before that, I hated being called male, and had always found myself to be highly sensitive to other people's concerns and emotions. My group of friends before high school, were 90% female and I fitted perfectly.
   In terms of other anomalies, I often worried about offending or misappropriating other people, my concerns sometimes coming at a detriment to my own freedom of thought.

   Although my parents would prove to be highly supportive of my transition, I found it extremely difficult to explain my feelings and only defined "transgender" in the narrowest terms possible. Unfortunately, I eventually forced myself into the same level of emotional destruction required to meet my insane standard.
   Initially, I came out as gay, but that made things much worse - considering that I later found out I was lesbian as well as female (therefore repulsed by masculinity even more). What made things worse, is that I often appeared happy, even mistaking my own anxiety with happiness. I also had a reputation for being theatrically demonstrative.
   However, with the power of intensive 10-hour isolative sessions of Dmitry Shostakovich and Tchaikovsky, I was able to get through the year.

   The beginning of this year was when I revealed myself to my family, then eventually socially transitioned with mild success. I also broke out of a toxic friendship (homophobic, misogynist, transphobic, etc.).
   Unfortunately, my hopes for medically transitioning past blockers were crushed, after finding our region has only one endocrinologist. However as a family, we will be moving to a more progressive place with better treatment next year.
   About midway through the year, the desire to become female was impossible to handle, and I acquired a countless number of self-harming and self-mutilation events, including four suicide attempts. This led to my voluntary institutionalization in a mental hospital, where there were many more clipboards, forms and committees , and some interesting people (although I am not unhappy about meeting them).
   The befuddled collective of various professionals then re-iterated plain and clean that I had gender identity disorder, but not a whole wealth of other disorders that they believed I possessed, to my insistence that indicated otherwise.
   Now, I presume I am 'stable'. But the only way I keep afloat (in spite of my brilliant family), is through writing very descriptive stories and studying - although I am still highly prone to crying and the occasional semi-frequent cry-scream.
   I have also decided to immerse myself intellectually in women's issues and politics, as that is the only way I feel that my 14-year experience deficit may be adequately surrogated, or as the standard under which I may call myself 'female'.
   There is much more I could say, but that seems to be a correct dosage of text for now.

   But now time must go forward, and optimism is imperative. The committees have been re-educated, and process of getting the hormones has been shortened. I hope that some day before the age of 30 I am able to pay for re-assignment surgery.
  Otherwise, for me it is simply lights out.

[V M]

Hi   

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Hugs

V M

[Dani]

   Good morning.

I am 68 years old and every morning is a GOOD Morning. 

  Otherwise, for me it is simply lights out.

Life is short. There is NO need to finish up early.

Many of us have been where you are right now. The first and most important thing you can do now is to accept yourself as you are. If you want to change a few things, then first determine what needs to be changed and then just change it! Many of us here at Susan's Place have been there. We know how you feel because we have felt the same. We have a future that most of us are happy with. You can do the same.

I recommend you make a plan for what changes you decide to make and also, plan for a life after your changes. For many of us, life becomes remarkably normal and mundane after transition. Since you are very young, plan for a vocation that will support you financially both before and after transition.

As more and more of us trans people come out to the public, things are beginning to change. No longer do we have to deal with the negative comments like we did years ago. We are just people who want to live our lives as we feel comfortable. You can do the same. 😉