So this is where the road took me.

[Chloe]

I want to father a child before I start hormones and my wife wants a baby.

          Wow well that's a switch how did this part work out? Pay-as-you-go for the next 20 yrs there's many pitfalls/downsides to this approach (divorce?) unless an agreement in advance? Your spouse is not your "family" but, rather, just some girl you married (which these days "come & go" all the time) am curious what your real family thinks about your plans.

As a grandparent helping with 3 grandkids I think your wanting a child is admirable but think "us prior folks" wanna know!

[Erika_Courtney]

So this all started when I got an automated email notice from my providers patient portal. I logged in to see what was posted and I was over due for a test. Not just any test, a Pap Smear!!! Clearly not a cis woman, or I would be cringing. I was exploring the portal more and now instead of taking about mens health, it talks about womens health. So I guess in my providers eyes I am a woman, which deep down I want to be.

[Erika_Courtney]

I have been trying for the last two weeks to have a positive mindset and stop putting myself down for the choices I have made to finally be me. I am beyond happy to be on Estrogen. I told my therapist I was so happy, I wanted to jump up and down on her couch like Tom Cruise. I am not really feeling or any changes on the Estrogen, but I keep taking my pill daily. Last night things crashing down, my wife and I were talking and she mentioned she has enough and is about done with the marriage. She basically asked me if there was any hope for us in the future or should we just end it now. I told her I didn't want to end the marriage. She is tried of me be distant in her life. She said I have gotten the hormones I wanted and should be happy. Nights like this make me think she is never or doesn't want to believe that something is really going on in my head. I a have been really done on myself today. So much for the positive attitude, the self hatered has come back.

[Dena]

One option comes to mind. Try to put the down feeling out of your mind and show your wife how you feel inside. Take her somewhere that both of you would enjoy. It could be dinner, shopping, to a local attraction or even sharing time at home. Two weeks isn't long to learn how to express your feelings but if your to save your marriage, you will need to learn fast.

[Jeal]

I have been trying for the last two weeks to have a positive mindset and stop putting myself down for the choices I have made to finally be me. I am beyond happy to be on Estrogen. I told my therapist I was so happy, I wanted to jump up and down on her couch like Tom Cruise. I am not really feeling or any changes on the Estrogen, but I keep taking my pill daily. Last night things crashing down, my wife and I were talking and she mentioned she has enough and is about done with the marriage. She basically asked me if there was any hope for us in the future or should we just end it now. I told her I didn't want to end the marriage. She is tried of me be distant in her life. She said I have gotten the hormones I wanted and should be happy. Nights like this make me think she is never or doesn't want to believe that something is really going on in my head. I a have been really done on myself today. So much for the positive attitude, the self hatered has come back.

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through Erika!  It is somewhat similar to my situation.  I understand exactly what you mean that you can go from elation at taking a step forward to it all crashing down at that rejection from your spouse.  That pretty much sums up my last four months.  Take one day at a time! You're not alone!

Hugs,

Jael

[Erika_Courtney]

I talked to my wife about planning to co parent since neither of us with our work schedules could do it alone. I don't want to talk about divorce was her response. I just wanted to say then stop being it up, you started the whole divorce talk. Of course I didn't say that. We are back to status quo for now.

One positive, I noticed that bumps have formed around one of my nipples. Also that nipple hurts when I press it. Trying not to get my hopes up to much, but I think something is starting!

[Jeal]

I talked to my wife about planning to co parent since neither of us with our work schedules could do it alone. I don't want to talk about divorce was her response. I just wanted to say then stop being it up, you started the whole divorce talk. Of course I didn't say that. We are back to status quo for now.

One positive, I noticed that bumps have formed around one of my nipples. Also that nipple hurts when I press it. Trying not to get my hopes up to much, but I think something is starting!

It took my wife about 2 months just to get out of denial, and her anger seems to be diminishing at month 4. I'm hopeful we can remain friends and maybe even stay in the same house (seem issue; cost and parenting).

Congrats on the possible HRT response!  I've ben feeling much more peaceful and calm, but also so tired. 

[krobinson103]

It took my wife about 2 months just to get out of denial, and her anger seems to be diminishing at month 4. I'm hopeful we can remain friends and maybe even stay in the same house (seem issue; cost and parenting).

Congrats on the possible HRT response!  I've ben feeling much more peaceful and calm, but also so tired.

Been a year and four months for me and while I was initially hopeful my wife and I can no longer spend more than a few hours in the same house without things going South. Tried the living in same house and co-parenting for the same reason, money. Too many memories, too many expectations that can no longer be met. I wish you all better luck!

[Jeal]

Been a year and four months for me and while I was initially hopeful my wife and I can no longer spend more than a few hours in the same house without things going South. Tried the living in same house and co-parenting for the same reason, money. Too many memories, too many expectations that can no longer be met. I wish you all better luck!

If it is going to work long term I think I will need to build a tiny house/art studio in the back yard and live mostly there. Neither of us is ready for that disconnect yet, but it feels like our staying 'together' is temporary and mostly for the kids sake.  At some point we will both need to move on and I don't see that happening when sharing a bedroom/bed.

In any case, one thing I have realized through this opening up process is that I am definitely either bisexual or pansexual, and I'm not sure if a 'marriage' suits me in any way shape or form.  Not until I get a chance to live for a while with some authenticity.  I am inclined to not be so quick to define myself this time around =D

[Erika_Courtney]

I get it, I am just starting this process and it takes time. Was not really feeling any different mentally. I talked with my provider about my meds and they were okay with adding a tblocker. I am taking it super slow. They said it is below the normal low dose they start with, which I am fine with, you can always go up. My wife was very hesitant about the tblockers, but the very low dose help her tolerate it. Just started taking it and already feeling better mentally.

I can't stop touching my girl boobs, trying to feel for breast buds. Both nipples now hurt when I press them!

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Erika

I am keeping a record on HRT Board of E&T BT results which covers those after 3/4 6/7 9/10 and 12/13 months and I attach it in case you wish to view and compare yours with others'.

If you have no objection, I shall add yours to the 3/4 table in due course.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,245188.0/prev_next,prev.html

Hugs

Pamela 

[Jeal]

I get it, I am just starting this process and it takes time. Was not really feeling any different mentally. I talked with my provider about my meds and they were okay with adding a tblocker. I am taking it super slow. They said it is below the normal low dose they start with, which I am fine with, you can always go up. My wife was very hesitant about the tblockers, but the very low dose help her tolerate it. Just started taking it and already feeling better mentally.

I can't stop touching my girl boobs, trying to feel for breast buds. Both nipples now hurt when I press them!

I hope everything is going well for you!

<3 Jael

[Erika_Courtney]

Had my follow up appointment. My hormone levels have just entered female range. After having my doc take a look at them, I have one female boob and one male one.

My doc wanted to start me on progesterone, I said no for now. It seems a little early. Staying on the same dose for now, was given permission to double my E intake, if I want to at any point.