Regretting surgery / constant stress

[November Fox]

I regret top surgery. Not because of the surgery itself but the way my body is handling it.
Everyday I wake up there is something else wrong and looking at the site is difficult.

The wound separated along the incision site and I'm left with a gaping open wound around my nipple.

I feel like this is more than I can take. I know nobody with complications like these and feel extremely alone. I'm seeing the surgeon tomorrow and I'll try to tell her.

_Edited to add

I hope I didn't alarm anyone. I think I may be experiencing some post-op depression and just hopelessness because top surgery is suppossed to be a happy thing and I'm not happy. Too many stressful moments all one after another. Hopefully the surgeon can put my mind at ease.

[ferretboi7312]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing something like this. I've never been through it, but I'd like to offer you kind thoughts. I hope things get better for you. I struggle with depression in general and it's hard, I can't imagine how much pain you must be feeling. If you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, I wouldn't mind at all. Sometimes it helps to rant to a stranger. I hope I'm not being weird or anything. Just wanted to offer some kind words and a listening ear. Take care, and get well soon.

[Devlyn ✅]

Big hug! Eleven days after my orchi the incision opened up and ten days of accumulated blood came out of the hole in my balls. I understand how you feel. In the days following that I didn't want to see it either. Each day it wasn't back to normal was killing me, the uncertainty of what would come next was tearing me up. I was horrified of infection. "Keep it clean, Dev" yet it's the part of me that goes deepest into the toilet!

The body is an amazing tough machine, and it takes a lot of abuse and fixes itself. You're an amazing tough person, I know you have this covered.  🙂

Hugs, Devlyn

[Doreen]

I regret top surgery. Not because of the surgery itself but the way my body is handling it.
Everyday I wake up there is something else wrong and looking at the site is difficult.

The wound separated along the incision site and I'm left with a gaping open wound around my nipple.

I feel like this is more than I can take. I know nobody with complications like these and feel extremely alone. I'm seeing the surgeon tomorrow and I'll try to tell her.

_Edited to add

I hope I didn't alarm anyone. I think I may be experiencing some post-op depression and just hopelessness because top surgery is suppossed to be a happy thing and I'm not happy. Too many stressful moments all one after another. Hopefully the surgeon can put my mind at ease.

A reopened wound is an easy thing to suture put... really any RN or especially your primary care should be able to handle that easily enough  Probably the best thing you can do is treat any slow healing wounds with... well I'm not gonna give medical advice here, but lets just say there are some really effective natural healing alternatives too.

Don't let things discourage you, they ARE achievable outcomes of happiness 🙂 Not that that necessarily helps with feeling depressed, but one way I get over that 'bump' is usually by exercising to the point of exhaustion.   Seems to take my mind off of devouring itself. 

[Kylo]

It's good you're getting professional medical help tomorrow. They'll put it right, I'm sure.

[sneakersjay]

Surgery is a huge stress on your body as it tries to heal, and depression can be common, especially with complications.  Healing will come in time.  Hang in there!

[Contravene]

Post op depression is a very real thing. I've experienced it before with other surgeries I've had (they were health related, not transition related). My therapist cautioned me that top surgery could bring up that depression again despite being so excited for it and it's something we'll be working on while I recover.

If you have a therapist I suggest letting them know so they can help you work through it. In the mean time find little things you can look forward to everyday to help ease the stress of recovering and take your mind off things.

[November Fox]

Thanks so much, I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday - I had envisioned being so happy with top surgery that I wasn't prepared to deal with any of this at all.

@ferretboi that's not weird, I very much appreciate it, I will get in touch when I need to. Thank you!!

@Dev I guess it's the uncertainty of it most of all, not knowing what's next and not knowing when it will heal, but I guess for once I should let my body take charge instead of the other way around.

@Doreen I'm very interested in any natural remedies 🙂 I've been drinking ginger root infusion with honey to ward off any infections.

I've mentioned my struggles to both my therapists (PTSD and gender) and they are keeping track, not sure if depression or intense anxiety, either way it really helps to vent 🙂

I went to the surgeon today, she gave me some non-stick gauze and removed lingering/broken stitches. She said in all likelihood the wound will not get worse and should close in about three weeks. Phew...!

If I learned anything is that surgery will keep you on your toes...

[Devlyn ✅]

I've came to see it this way: My surgery was a complete success, and a life changing deal. Separately from that, I  had a healing issue. Both are behind me, resolved, and  put me in a great place to get on with life. I hope that's how it turns out for you, too.  🙂

Hugs, Devlyn

[Mr.X]

I have been where you are, with not one, but two gaping wounds where my nipples were.
This was caused by a double infection (so both sides) that had never been seen before by my surgeons. Very unlucky. They had to reopen the wounds around the nipples, rinse out all the bad stuff, and leave the wounds open so they could be flushed on a daily basis. It took 6 weeks to heal.

Needless to say I was also depressed. I never regretted surgery, but it sure was a hard road. I lost both my nipples in the process. Now, 4 years later, you can barely tell. It left no bad scars, and my nips are totoed on, and look real.

This too, shall pass.

[November Fox]

Dude (if you are okay with being called that - it's a friendly term for me)

Thanks so much for sharing that, you have no idea how it helps. Even if I lost a nipple it's good to know it's not the end of the world. I'm relieved to hear your results look good despite what it's been through. And what you have been through. 

The right nip is sort of hanging forward, but the surgeon said over time it should "relax" back in its place. The other one healed at an unbelievable speed - strange how unpredicable/random it can be.