Update! :)

[ShannonH]

Hello,

Thought I would give an update on my ongoing journey into figuring out who I am and working on my depression and other anxiety / Gender issues I have been experiencing.

So after seeing my Phycologist again she has decided she just wants me to contact a clinic in my City to get more information and help from someone with more experience with gender dysphoria and just information in general regarding what it is I am going through or feeling.

I called them yesterday and was able to make an appointment which is very exciting mainly because I just need help with everything, sadly the appointment is not for another 2 months due to work and they are pretty booked out 🙁

Main reason for this thread is, did anyone else seem to only be able to think about transitioning after you realised you might be transgendered / woman? My phycologist has said that even though I want to find a fix for how I am feeling and hurry things up that I should not dwell on this all the time. And she is right, all I can think about is how ugly I look and how much I badly just want to get the better help and to just do something, I don't even know what that something is yet.

But all these thoughts and feelings are getting in the way of my everyday life, did anyone else feel this way?

Another question, did anyone else feel like the male they were moulded into growing up was getting in the way of who you wanted to be? Like as if this man in your head was trying to drown out that women you think you might be? just because you lived as that man for so long?

I know some of this might not make sense but I just need to get this off my chest 🙂

Thank you,
<3

[Alice V]

Hey Shannon! 🙂

Great you have an appointment, just have some patience and you'll find help you need 😉

I feel exactly the same about transition right now. Thoughts about transition distracting me from pretty anything, I can't stop think about it till I can think at all lol. Dunno what to do with that though it helps me to keep up with my current goals I set as steps to transition.

As for feeling of male... I don't divide my personality, which means I can't stay on my way 🙂 Embrace yourself. You won't stop to be you just because of transition. All experience you have, all your skills, beliefs and habits brought you where you're now.

[jkredman]

Hi Shannon

Yes!

When I finally came to grips with who I am, what I am, and the journey I was undertaking, it was pretty exciting and distracting.  It was freedom and I wanted to just be able to 'flip a switch' and immediately live true to myself.

But life doesn't work that way.

I have relationships.  I have responsibilities.  I have to honor needs to simply exist, much less to transition and thrive.

To answer your questions about maleness:  My maleness got in the way until I came to the conclusion I either had to transition, or let my coping mechanism destroy me.  Once I made the decision and started taking steps to implement the decision, the first one was to find a therapist that understood GD, the maleness faded.

It's great that you have the new appointment.  And wherever life takes you; embrace the journey.

Kate


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Alice (nym)]

hmmm... I developed a coping strategy by purposely not recognising gender until eventually that is all I saw, people. If gender is a social construct then I wasn't going to allow it to define who I was and thus I ignored it. The strategy worked to a certain degree... it didn't stop me going to sleep in the hope that I would wake up female but it allowed me to get on with my life.

But the pressure got too much and everything exploded last week. I've spent the last week thinking about it. I keep trying to convince myself that I am non-binary and can escape this feeling but that's not being honest with myself.

So I don't think that the male is trying to drown out the female in me right now. I think that the social scientist in me is trying to reason a way in which to cope with my feelings by rationalising away both the male and female.

But the two biggest things holding me back are fear of society and fear of losing my daughter. But in the past and still now there is the fear of not passing, the fear of being ugly... the fear of looking like a bloke in drag instead of a natural woman. It is scary and the only thing that is keeping me on this road instead of trying to hide again is that what happened last weekend was even more scary and everything I've read suggests that if I don't start dealing with this properly then the next time something like that happens it is going to be much worse.

I can rationalise it all I like in my brain but my chemistry and subconscious is rejecting it.

AND... yes!  It is getting in the way of my life. But what is my life? A failing marriage, a beautiful daughter who wishes she was dead and is on a waiting list to see a child psychologist, no job, renting my home in the private sector, no pension plan, no insurance, no money, loads of qualifications that mean nothing, in my forties with no prospects, and over £28k in student debt. I have to ask myself, if I had transitioned in my teens/early 20s would I be the loser I am now?

[KathyLauren]

Nym, I am sorry that you are in such difficult circumstances. 

You say that you are trying to rationalize away male and female, but it doesn't seem to be working for you.  Gender roles and gender presentations are certainly social constructs, but gender identity is not.  Gender identity is hard-wired into the brain before you are born.  So, whether you are male, female or non-binary, you can't wish it away.

[KathyLauren]

Shannon, being obsessed with transition once the idea of being transgender surfaces is not uncommon.  As I got closer to recognizing who I was, I could feel the obsession building.  It wasn't all-consuming: I could still function for things like grocery-shopping or whateve, but I could feel that "functioning" was all that I was doing.

And, yes, I totally understand feeling that the male I was supposed to be was getting in the way of who I wanted to be.  I felt this long before I took the possibility of being trans seriously.  I used to hate shopping for clothes, because the choice of colours, partterns and fabrics was so dismal.  I felt myself self-censoring.  I would see a nice sweater or something, and I would covet it.  But I knew I wasn't allowed to wear it, buy it, or even say I liked it.

[Michelle_P]

Shannon, the drive to transition can become very intense.  I see it as being locked away, denied the ability to be myself for a very long time, and suddenly finding a path to freedom. The urge to immediately dash down that path is irresistible, and it makes our suppressed state all that more intolerable knowing we can leave that state, if we just pay the price.

For some that price may be too high, at first.  That too may change as the need to 'do something' grows.

I and many others here know just how this feels.  In spite of 'informed consent' for HRT being available to me, I waited several months, discussing things with a gender therapist, before I started anything.  I was uncertain, and afraid to admit what I needed to do.  The therapist was very useful in clarifying my feelings and determining my course of action. (She never told me what to do, but did make sure I was honestly examining my state and my needs.)

[cluck1992]

Hello,

Thought I would give an update on my ongoing journey into figuring out who I am and working on my depression and other anxiety / Gender issues I have been experiencing.

So after seeing my Phycologist again she has decided she just wants me to contact a clinic in my City to get more information and help from someone with more experience with gender dysphoria and just information in general regarding what it is I am going through or feeling.

I called them yesterday and was able to make an appointment which is very exciting mainly because I just need help with everything, sadly the appointment is not for another 2 months due to work and they are pretty booked out 🙁

Main reason for this thread is, did anyone else seem to only be able to think about transitioning after you realised you might be transgendered / woman? My phycologist has said that even though I want to find a fix for how I am feeling and hurry things up that I should not dwell on this all the time. And she is right, all I can think about is how ugly I look and how much I badly just want to get the better help and to just do something, I don't even know what that something is yet.

But all these thoughts and feelings are getting in the way of my everyday life, did anyone else feel this way?

Another question, did anyone else feel like the male they were moulded into growing up was getting in the way of who you wanted to be? Like as if this man in your head was trying to drown out that women you think you might be? just because you lived as that man for so long?

I know some of this might not make sense but I just need to get this off my chest 🙂

Thank you,
<3

Shannon,
I feel exactly the same way, the thoughts of finally figuring out myself and what needs to be done but trying to figure out how to go about it while not ruining everything else or ruin other peoples lives makes it hard to focus on other things quite often.

And yes the "me that always was" is constantly trying to talk me out of finally being free and that it would be simpler and less collateral damage if I just remain as I was previously.... But that would leave the collateral damage being my happiness and feeling of self worth, my mentality, and quite frankly possibly my will to live at all. I sometimes argue with myself in the mirror feeling like I'm having a conversation with the "male side". Sometimes I feel like that makes me a crazy person but to me it helps kind of.

Anyways hugs and best wishes to your true self being free.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk

[ShannonH]

Thank you all for your kind words.

It is just really good to know a lot of you have been or is going through the same thing and it is not just me loosing my mind lol!.

As the saying goes, you must admit it to your self before anyone else to truly understand. so that is what I am going to do and try my best not to let myself get in the way of what I truly feel.

I know deep down I am and have always thought I was a girl/women trapped in this body, I just have always had that noise in my mind trying to tell me its all to hard to be who you want to be. Well that is it! I have had enough and I want to be me!. I want to go shopping with my girlfriends instead of the speedway! I want to watch chick flicks, I want to wear pink clothes! I want to shave this disgusting hair off my face and I NEED to be me!.


sorry, rant over lol
<3

[jkredman]

That's not Ranting.  That's expressing.

[emoji8]

Kate


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[JulieAllana]

     I can relate to what you are saying.  I have for so long thought I wouldn't be able to transition because of my looks and size.  It was an impediment to me even thinking of myself as transgender.  In January, I said screw it, I am going to lose my weight and just do it (transition) and it was the first time I was able to see myself as transgender, even though I had wanted to be a woman basically since puberty.

     Since January I have struggled with what it means to be and think like a woman, sometimes feeling the urge to move forwards and sometimes just feeling *normal*, whatever that means...just not having strong feelings about transition.  I have indeed been socialized as a man and it certainly gets in the way.  I am just keeping an open mind and moving forwards a bit at a time as things make sense.  I about on the precipice of starting HRT (4-5 days) and I'll see what happens after that. 

    My strategy has just been to explore transition a step at a time and evaluate as I go.  At first, (first 3-4 weeks) the thoughts about transitioning were overwhelming, but after that I went more into the exploring, questioning, doubting mode I described above.  I figure that is all fine as long as it isn't paralyzing and I get stuck somewhere.  Life is too short to get stuck and mine is already about half over.  I don't have any time to waste.

          Hope that helps,
                              Julie

[ShannonH]

Hey everyone! 🙂

Just thought I would update you all on what's been happening.

So I finally got to see a phycologist who specializes in the LGBTQI community and gender issues.
She is so amazing and made me feel so comfortable, she asked me a lot of the questions like wearing women's clothes, feelings and general gender dysphoria.

The scary but nicest feeling of the whole session was watching the way she interacted with me, at the beginning it felt like she looked at me like a blank canvas and by the end I truly felt myself for the first time in my life.

Even though me and her both knew it by the end of the session, I still had to ask the question.. do you think I might be transgender?... and she just smiled and said its definitely looking that way haha 🙂 the butterfly's in my stomach and that amazing relaxed feeling washed over me and she then asked how I felt about that and I just said really good.

I really did not think it would be that simple and that straight forward, I felt like myself at the end of a hour long session for the first time in my life and that feeling is crazy, like as if you are born again.

So where to from here? Well she has referred me to the gender services which is the next step I would take to begin my ''official transition'' this is a general assessment by gender specialists and clinical phycologists. All I needed to do was go see my GP and get a referral from him and some blood tests and the rest is history from there lol 
Thankfully my GP is also a phycologist although he is Male which is why I was scared to speak with him about this all to begin with but he was shocked that I did not tell him and he explained how serious this all is and made me feel so comfortable as well which is great.

My question for now is, why do I still question myself? I suppose it is becoming a lot more real and there are other aspects of my life that would be greatly effected, my partner has said a few times she understands and does not want me to pretend and be unhappy but she also explained that she is not a lesbian. it just feels like no matter what I do I will be depressed anyway..

Thank you all for your support and thank you for reading my posts 😀 <3

[Alice (nym)]

wow... that's a huge step in such a short period of time.

I bet it is such a relief to have someone professional confirm it for you. I know I am, the people I've been chatting to for the last couple of weeks know it... but it will still be a relief to hear if from a professional... just so that you know you're not crazy.

Seriously well done on getting so far.

I wish I had some advise with your partner's issues... my wife more less said the exact same. I am kind of resigned that she will eventually leave me if I transition - she will probably leave me if I don't too. Although I think she would probably continue to live with me until my daughter leaves home. We already sleep in separate bedrooms and have not been carnal with each other for 8-9 years... my daughter being conceived through IVF. So it wouldn't really make much difference. Hopefully someone with more experience than me can advise you???

[pamelatransuk]

Hello,
Main reason for this thread is, did anyone else seem to only be able to think about transitioning after you realised you might be transgendered / woman? My phycologist has said that even though I want to find a fix for how I am feeling and hurry things up that I should not dwell on this all the time. And she is right, all I can think about is how ugly I look and how much I badly just want to get the better help and to just do something, I don't even know what that something is yet.

But all these thoughts and feelings are getting in the way of my everyday life, did anyone else feel this way?

Another question, did anyone else feel like the male they were moulded into growing up was getting in the way of who you wanted to be? Like as if this man in your head was trying to drown out that women you think you might be? just because you lived as that man for so long?

I know some of this might not make sense but I just need to get this off my chest 🙂

Thank you,
<3

Hello Shannon

I always knew I was transgender but buried and suppressed although crossdressed and bodyshaved all my adult life. However at age 62 the GD became so dominant and I could not rebury this time and therefore I was forced to take action - therapy followed by HRT. So I yes I completely understand. Once the dam is burst, once the genie is out of the bottle, you must take positive action or you realise you will be bothered possibly more fiercely by GD and be forever depressed. Yes thinking about trans issues and researching and being obsessed with gender now happens. You are certainly right to seek therapy.

Yes gender presentation (but not gender identity) is a social construct and the male we behaved as and acted as gets in the way and gives us doubts that we can proceed with HRT and transition. I had those doubts and they delayed me but once you know transition is the right course, you know that is the right time to start if only in small steps. I am on HRT and will publicly transition in 2019.

As regards your recent post, I am so relieved you did not have to wait long and that your first therapy session was so helpful understanding and worthwhile.

I wish you success as you continue on your journey.

Hugs

Pamela

[ShannonH]

Thank You all for your kind words 🙂

Today I made a first step as suggested by my therapist and shaved my face to make me feel better ( I kept a beard because my partner liked it for 7 years) and OMG doing such a small thing can really help sometimes!

I finally uploaded a picture, even though it is severely filtered it made me feel great! 

Thank you again <3