Athena's ramblings revisited

[Athena]

Not a friend just some stranger and I blocked him. He just contacted me wanting to ask a question. As I had posted my opinions on a few different topics yesterday I thought he might want some clarifications but no he wanted to talk about kinks instead.

I did feel disgust and a bit of fear, is this going to be my life now. This just adds to my male phobia.

I think when I was presenting as male I was so worried about not being lumped in with these men that I didn't really understand fully what women go through. Now that I am openly myself I see the fear and mistrust that women feel. No of course it's not every man but you just can't tell. There are men out there that seem ok at first but will turn on you in a moment of weakness. Am I being overly paranoid, probably but today sure doesn't help.

[Jessica_Rose ✅]

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you." ― Joseph Heller, Catch-22

It's OK to be paranoid about some things. It keeps you safe.

Being worried about a xenomorph attack would be overly paranoid.

Being worried about a strange male, or just about any male, is normal for most women.

Men are concerned about women laughing at them. Women are concerned about men assaulting them.

Stay safe.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Athena]

So I had a doctor's appointment the other week. I had a vaginal exam and we talked about my knees and ongoing cough.

The vaginal exam I was really worried about the speculum but honestly I barely felt it. If you have an upcoming vaginal exam as long as you are following your dilation plan you should be fine. My results came back good.

My cough, ever since I was a mixer in a bakery I've had problems with extreme colds that last for months. I've had this current cough since June. Because I started to have issues when I worked in a bakery I was a bit worried about COPD but I've had xrays and breath tests and they found nothing. I hope that this time I'll have my referral to a breathing specialist accepted as they weren't taking new patients back in October.

As for my knees I got them X-rayed and the last time I got them X-rayed was in 2023. Theese are my results.

Findings:

Severe degenerative changes of bilateral medial compartments with marked joint space narrowing.

Mild degenerative changes of the bilateral patellofemoral and lateral compartments.

No acute fractures.  No dislocation.  No joint effusion.

I don't know if these findings are in comparison to 2023 or if they are over all. The worse part is that I live on the 3rd floor with no elevator. I can climb the stairs maybe once a day otherwise I can barely walk the next day.

[Dances With Trees]

One of my sisters had knee replacement surgery and is moving around almost as good as new. Hopefully, Athena, you'll find something that improves your quality of life. Chronic pain is no fun!

[Lori Dee ✅]

I have a torn meniscus in my left knee. It isn't bad enough to require surgery, so they gave me a cortisone injection. They warned that I may need one every six months or so. That was two years ago. I lived on the third floor too, but I stopped doing that. 😄

I am no expert, but the findings to me read like an arthritic condition. Have you considered an injection? They told me that if the cortisone was not helpful enough, they have another product that is thicker and lasts longer.

I am very active, so I know how knee pain can wipe you out. Hopefully, you will find a solution that works.
 

[Athena]

I think I am at the level of sever arthritis. I told my doctor that it feels like if I don't get my knees replaced then within 5 years I'll be in a wheelchair. I was supposed to get my knee's replaced before but I didn't want my knee's to interfere with my GRS. Also I was told to never get my knees replaced so I was a bit reluctant. Back then I would walk my neighbours dog twice a day and didn't have that much issue but now I just can't and I struggle to climb stairs at all.

I am in the process of getting my knees replaced. I am getting them both done at the same time which might not be the best option but I am hoping to only have to go through it once.

[davina61]

Feel for you dear, my knees are a bit knackered and having sciatica has left my left leg weak. Its worst going down stairs first thing ,going up with 2 bags of shopping I have to rest bags on steps and go up 2 at a time.

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

  @Athena
Dear Athena:
I am very sorry to read about your "bad" knees and severe Arthritis.  I winced from feeling
your pain just reading what you had posted.

I have a gal friend from my college days that I stay in touch with.  Several years ago
she had knee replacements, both knees at the same time.  Many doctors will not do both
knees at the same time unless the patient is younger and is in otherwise good health. 

Your thoughts regarding having both knees done at the same time has some good attributes
because as you hinted, you will only have to deal with ONE recovery.

The reason she desired to have both knees done at the same time is because the recovery
time for one knee is up to 3 to 5 months but if both knees are done the recovery is still
3 to 5 months or so, but with both knees done you DO NOT have a good leg to stand on so she
needed a live-in caregiver for at least a month or two for getting out bed, going to
the bathroom, and just getting around the house.  Not quite as easy as just having one
knee done, and that itself is not "easy" either and a caregiver may be needed for several weeks
and "walker" is needed for at least a couple months.  She told me that even after recovery that
stairs are still be somewhat of a challenge.

Her final comment was similar to what you stated about soon being in a wheelchair and she is very
happy that modern medicine gave her an escape route.

I am wishing you well with your plans, and be certain to have detailed and serious discussions
with your doctor(s) as you make your surgery plans.

I am looking forward to following this part of your journey.
      ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

I think I am at the level of sever arthritis. I told my doctor that it feels like if I don't get my knees replaced then within 5 years I'll be in a wheelchair. I was supposed to get my knee's replaced before but I didn't want my knee's to interfere with my GRS. Also I was told to never get my knees replaced so I was a bit reluctant. Back then I would walk my neighbours dog twice a day and didn't have that much issue but now I just can't and I struggle to climb stairs at all.

I am in the process of getting my knees replaced. I am getting them both done at the same time which might not be the best option but I am hoping to only have to go through it once.

[Athena]

Unfortunately I already don't have a good leg to stand on 😀 and I think I am mostly going to be alone but I do have a futon that is easy to get in and out of, I nearly need a pole vault to get into bed. I hope to be able to avoid a walker I really don't want to be a burden on others if I can't drive myself. I might be able to get a service to take me to physio but I am on my own for the stairs. I've got a cane on order and I am just waiting for it to come in.

I am usually too stubborn for my own good. I don't use the electric carts when I go shopping and when I had to stand in line for 4 hours to get get into the cruise terminal I refused to use a wheelchair to get on the ship even though I could barely move my legs.

[Athena]

It doesn't help that my 2 cats like to walk in front of me and stop in a choke point forcing me to try to navigate by them.

[davina61]

Ah the cat trap!!

[Athena]

I was just thinking recently about coming out of the closet and how it just got easier. First my mother has passed away before I came out and I haven't talked to my father in over 20 years so I am not inclined to share with him. Also with the exception of 1 friend and my former "boss" ( I was more of a volunteer than an employee ) I have not received any blow back and even with them I just don't talk to them anymore so no big deal there.

When I first joined Susan's I was so paranoid that I wouldn't even say aloud that I was trans in case someone heard me. I knew my boss was very transphobic and he was also my landlord so I was in a tight situation. Even after my apartment burned down I was still scared to come out of the closet. Actually the funny thing is due to circumstances the very first time that I admitted to someone else that I was trans was international women's day 2019. The DIY hormones that I had ordered in was starting to wear out and I needed to go ligit, my doctor wasn't available for another month so I went to the hospital.

When I was finally able to see my doctor I had to wait another 4 months to get on hormones which was absolute torture. I think the only reason I didn't try to end myself was I hurt too bad to even think about that. The instant I was back on hormones was the moment I knew that testosterone was poison to me.

Once I was back on hormones I felt that I was non binary because I had zero intention of coming out of the closet even though I wanted GRS (I have been nothing but happy with my choice ). I spent a few years hiding who I was until I was having a chat with this one lady who convinced me to go out in leggings. I was terrified and I went out in leggings to do my laundry in the evening and as I was walking along the local cathedral let out so I had to walk through a bunch of church people. After that I started to wear leggings quite a bit and never had any issues.

After a couple of years of that I actually came out to my neighbour who became a friend and another friend both of went well. During this time I would either take my skirts over to my neighbour's or if I went later on at night to watch a movie I would wear the skirt over to her place. It was during this time I was over there eating dinner and another neighbour came in. Normally I am the type to grab dishes and take them to the sink but I didn't dare as I was wearing a skirt at the time and I was trying to keep it hidden. Later on when I did tell my other neighbour she was absolutely lovely. The first time I wore a skirt out in public I was driving my neighbour Suzie to the doctors and the parking machine only took credit cards and Suzie only had a debit card so I had to get out of the vehicle and go pay for parking. Later that day we picked up our other neighbour and we went and got Tim's and sat at the library park, I was still terrified as I was wearing a skirt.

Around that time some friends and I went on a trans Atlantic cruise. My one friend and I got into a discussion on teaching about LGBTQ2+ issues in elementary school, he then asked me if I was transitioning and I said yes. He also took it well. It was on this cruise that I had to argue a couple of times that yes indeed I was male and once on an elevator I was asked directly if I was male or female. A few months after this cruise and thinking about how people perceived me as female even when I was in boymode I decided to tell the rest of my gaming friends and just come out of the closet.

It was at this time that I was talking with Suzie and I mentioned about how I might change my name to Julie after a major crush I had in school. Suzie mentioned that this was not a good reason to choose a name so I suggested letting Suzie's daughter choose my name as it is unlikely that her daughter will have children. I wanted to give her a chance to name someone. The first name she came up with didn't seem right so she came up with Athena and all 3 of us really liked it. Then I decided to change my family name as well, not that I really minded it, I just had no attachment to it. I looked up last names and I saw Katz after Katz castle in Germany and I thought about it and remembered that I used to tell my friends that I was going to become a crazy cat lady (even before I told them I was trans). And later that night I thought about the first name that  Suzie's daughter came up with and I thought I wasn't comfortable with it as a first name but as a middle name it's great.

It was around this time that for the most part I stopped wearing pants at all and only on the coldest days will I even consider it. One time when Suzie and I drove down to Toronto to pick up her daughter I had to use the washroom so I pulled into a gas station to use the single use washroom but it was out of order so I had to use the women's washroom in Tim Horton's. I was mortified. Then further on we stopped for gas and I was planning to use the family washroom but it was in use so again the woman's room it was. The next day we went to a Chinese restaurant and again I wound up in the woman's room. on the way back that day again we stopped for gas and again the family washroom was in use and then again at the same Tim Horton's. Now I regularly use the woman's washroom, I'm still a little bit nervous because I still don't believe that I pass. I absolutely refuse to use a change room, I still find the female form attractive but I find it gross looking at undressed women who are doing so without knowledge and consent. If I want to see naked women there are plenty of websites where women are undressing willingly and to be honest it's mostly looking for breast shapes that I would like to have.

Now a days I wouldn't say that I am openly trans as I don't advertise it but I also don't hide it either. My situation is likely different than most as I have not received harassment for being trans at all. But I do have to say it does get easier. That being said as a trans woman I have zero intention of ever going back to the U.S., it just isn't safe. Even in safe states I would still have to go through federal border agents. Even if the U.S. is able to swing back to the left somewhat I suspect that LGBTQ2+ rights are going to be far down the list to correct. That is maybe the one thing that I regret about transitioning is that I have to be cautious of where I travel now

[Dances With Trees]

Athena, your post was so affirming!

I still use he/her pronouns because it's easier than wearing a skirt into a lady's washroom. Or anywhere else beyond my front door. Suzie's daughter was the perfect godmother!

[Lori Dee ✅]

Athena, that sounds like you are definitely transitioning socially and mentally. As each little step you take confirms that nothing bad happens, you continue until it eventually becomes a habit. That's what I did without realizing it. After I looked back on it, I could see that it was the process of accepting myself. The more I accepted my truth, the less fear I had of others.

Thank you for sharing!

[Pema]

Yes, thank you for sharing your story, Athena. I always enjoy hearing about someone else's path and their feelings along the way. I'm really glad you've reached a point of such ease and comfort.

[Athena]

Something else that I am realizing is that now I have to learn etiquette from the female perspective. I mean I grew up that if I was on a date that I was supposed to pull out the chair. When another woman comes to the table do I stand or stay seated. Apparently it's a no no to take your drink directly from the server, you are supposed to wait until they set it down. I can't sit with my knees together and if I even try it hurts really badly. Luckily I don't eat out that often so it isn't that big of a deal.