Should I, Shouldn't I?

[Stottie Girl]

There is a girl at work who I have been told is trans. She works in IT and is in an online works photo club that I am also a member of so we've chatted on the phone and there's been back and forth messages on Teams.

I had no idea she was trans until someone told me. I have never actually met anyone in the real world who was trans so the urge to say something is really strong as it would be cool to have someone to talk to 1-2-1 about this sort of stuff and how she tackled telling the bosses.

Other than the back and forth messages and the odd work related telephone call we have no other interaction and I've never actually seen her in person at work. We certainly aren't friends or anything. She apparently frequents the same nature reserves as me so there is a small chance we could bump into each other.

My gut feeling is I shouldn't say anything to her and just wait to see if she tells me at some point as I could blow her cover if she was stealth, make her think people were talking about her (which they were) or just dent her self esteem if she thinks she wasn't passing (which she totally was).

It's so tempting but am I right to avoid saying anything?

Hope that doesn't come across as a bit stalky! I almost wish I had never been told!

[ChrissyRyan]

I think I would choose to visit a transgender support group and conversing with those that attend. 

[Lori Dee ✅]

It's so tempting but am I right to avoid saying anything?

Yes, and for the reasons that you mentioned.
1. It might not be true, merely an assumption.
2. She may be stealth, and as you stated, question her "passing".

Never assume anything. The correct etiquette is to allow them to tell you. It is fine for you to signal that you are open to talking about it, but maybe she isn't.

[Athena]

I think that you should allow her to reveal herself to you. You can't know her journey thus far. Even though I assume that most people can tell that I am trans I think I would be gutted if someone was to ask me. Even though I am fairly open about being trans I do take comfort in seeming to pass.

[Stottie Girl]

Yeah, I know in my heart that holding my tongue is the right thing to do. I don't think I would like it if the tables were turned.

I never really thought of the fact that it might not be true either so thats another factor.

Mind made up. Cheers ladies.

ChrissyRyan - Sadly, as far as I can tell there aren't any in my county. It's one of the most sparsely populated counties in England so nothing local really. At least nothing specifically transgender.

I've got online groups though like Susans so it's not like I don't have an outlet.

Never mind, was just a thought.

[Sephirah]

There's no reason you can't explore a friendship with this person and see where it leads. You never know. You seem to already have things in common, things you could talk about completely unrelated to gender. And it never hurts to have another friend who's into the same things you're into. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. But it might.