Grief

[Camille58S]

Hi everyone. I have a thought regarding an issue that I did not see coming.
 As my social transition moves forward, I have found myself grieving a little bit for my former self. It's nothing that will stop me from continuing, but it's there. I think of my transition as being expansive. I have felt that nothing is being taken away, but rather, more is being added. But, every time I change my name on something, I feel a bit sad.
 My maleness served me well. I had a successful career doing something that I loved. I'm married to the person who I love and respect more than anyone in this world. Together we raised a wonderful family. So, I can understand why I feel sad to put that identity in the closet, so to speak.
 I know deep in my heart that I have to carry on with this. When I feel that sorrow, if that's the right word for it, I tell myself this...
When I think about it, I realize that my male identity is a coat of armor that I wore to navigate the world and my place in it. But when I'm honest about it, when I strip all the outside influences away and get down to my absolute core, I am Camille. It's time to let her breathe in the light of day!

[Susan ✅]

Dear Camille,

What you're describing is one of the most honest and human parts of transition — the moment when growth brings a little grief with it. So many people expect transition to be either pure joy or pure struggle, but the truth is exactly what you've articulated: it's expansive.

You're not losing a life. You're carrying your whole life with you into a place where you finally get to breathe.

That sadness you feel when you update something as simple as a name? That isn't a sign of doubt. It's a sign of love for the life you lived and the person who carried you through it.

You built a career, a marriage, a family. You survived things you didn't even have language for at the time. Grief shows up when something mattered. And your former presentation — that coat of armor you wore — mattered in the sense that it helped you navigate a world that didn't yet know Camille.

But armor can protect you and still weigh you down.

What I hear in your words is not someone mourning a loss, but someone honoring the part of herself that got her here. You're not "putting a former self in the closet." You're retiring a role that served its purpose.

Every step forward doesn't erase anything — it incorporates it. Your past isn't disappearing. It's becoming part of Camille's history, Camille's wisdom, Camille's strength.

And you're already doing something remarkable — you're feeling the grief and moving forward anyway. That's not weakness. That's the kind of steady, grounded courage that comes from knowing yourself deeply.

The image you ended with — letting her breathe in the light of day — that's the heart of it. Letting your true self come forward doesn't mean discarding the life that came before. It means allowing all the pieces to finally line up in the right order.

If a little sorrow rises when the paperwork changes, let it. It's the goodbye that comes right before a hello you've waited a lifetime to reach.

You're not alone in feeling it, and you're navigating it with clarity and grace.

I'm glad you shared this.
— Susan

[Camille58S]

Thank you Susan! Your kind and insightful words mean a lot to me.

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Camille58S
Dear Camille:
What you described as your your feelings is exactly what I experienced
right in the middle of my transition journey.

As my deadname male self I was a very successful executive accountant
for a multi-state company.

I became full time in December 2016 and worked at the company until I
resigned a month later to eventually relocate and start my woman owned CPA
and financial planning business. 

While I did not feel sorrow for being the person I am now, early in my new
woman owned business there were a few times when I was dealing with some
of my male clients that I felt that I could have taken better control of
the conversation and discussion as my old deadname male self.

Give it some more time and continue being Camille down to your absolute core.

Please keep your updates coming as you feel comfortable sharing.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

[Lori Dee ✅]

Camille, remember that there is no loss here.

You are the same person you always were. It was not a different person who had that career, the family, the memories. Those things really happened, and YOU did that. Just because you wore your hair differently, or a different style of clothing, or went by a different name, does not mean that you were a different person.

I acknowledge my history because I have had a life full of accomplishments and bitter losses. But those experiences made me who I am today. Without those experiences, I would never have sought out therapy, which later revealed the root of my problems. I am still the same person, but I have changed how I look at the world and how the world looks at me.

Don't be sad, you have lost nothing. Every new chapter in our lives should have a new title. It is not an end, but a beginning. You are on the path to happiness. There is no need to look behind you - you aren't going in that direction.

You got this.

Hugs!

[CosmicJoke]

I've thought of this myself. The thing of it is I have a hard time differentiating if those are actually my feelings or the feelings of others I am taking on.

Granted, in our society it may be easier to be male but would we really have transitioned if that was the truth for us?

I think that's a good question to chew on.

[tgirlamg]

Hi Camille!

It is indeed very common to feel loss for the suit of armor we spent so much time maintaining... it kept us safe when safety was what we needed most... it became so comforting and familiar that we were able to live long segments of our life, letting ourself believe that it was... who we were...🌻

I had a lifetime of amazing experiences while I wore that armor but, eventually... instead of keeping me safe... it kept me from the things I needed most... I have described my "maleness" when speaking to groups of people as an ill fitting garment that I was handed at a young age and expected to wear... so wear it I did... because I was afraid... as most people are afraid... to stand apart... 🌻

In time, we come to the tipping point where our fears of what could happen if we let the armor drop away... are no longer as bad as the thought of hiding any longer... That is when our lives truly begin...🌻

May Every Step Of Your Amazing Journey Be Blessed! 🙏


Onward Brave Sister! 🏄

Ashley 💕

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Camillie

For me there has never been a separate male self to mourn, only one person who was always female living under expectations that did not fit.

I can understand though why you might feel some sadness about saying goodbye to the life you built in that role because it clearly means a lot to you.  I never had any grief before and even after I changed my life around.  The only way that I can describe it is as follows.

I never as far as I know expressed my gender or male traits, but then again I never did for female traits, except for one recurring trait and that was having long hair at various stages.  When I came across an article in the late eighties, the word transsexual came into my vocabulary.  However, it sat in my mind and I never applied it to myself.

If I remember correctly, there was that 'armour' that one could apply doing macho manly things, in that article.  Even the ones I used to protect myself against anyone thinking I was not who I seemed to be were only a couple.  Those that I applied were only a couple and they were so mild it was not funny, I may as well have not bothered and at the time those things could be done by females anyway.

There were two major parts of my life in the years leading up to my change, working in a civil engineering field as a draftsperson and swimming.  Those two aspects occupied my life for 10 years between the ages of 20 and 30.  When I changed my life around those two aspects remained with me for several years, except for swimming during the first year after I changed.  I still did not think I was a female at the time although I was living my life as a female.  I finally found out I was a female at 51 from Susan's and just recently in hindsight looking at a pile of clothes looking for female clothing when I was a young child, I realize that I have always been female.

So where does this lead me?  Did I grieve about my past life?  No, my past life is still a part of me and I cherish it to this day.  For me there has never been a separate male self to mourn, only one person who was always female living under expectations that did not fit.  My past life is the foundation of who I am today and it never was an armour that I wore either, or to put it another way, I never changed within myself.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Camille58S