Quote from: CynthiaR on November 08, 2025, 10:17:07 PMSo, I find myself struggling with the question of transitioning and passing. Is it worth transitioning if I'm never able to pass? What would be the point if I can't pass? Could it make my dysphoria feel even worse should I fail? What do I do to manage the pain if I don't transition?
Now, for a little personal info. I'm currently 50, married, and recently disclosed my transgender status to my wife (Pugs4life). I've spent almost my entire life trying to deny what I really knew to be true, and dealing with imposter syndrome. I have a therapist I've been working with that's allowed me to understand that I am trans. Unfortunately, I can't put the genie back in the bottle.
Here's the hard part, I'm what you might call an industrial sized individual. I'm 6'2", around 250lbs and carry it well. I've set a goal to get my weight down to near 160, and that's going to take some time to do. Meanwhile, I have a follow-up appointment, in about 2 weeks, to hopefully start MTF HRT. I've spent the day, today, questioning if I can pull this off. Just thinking about not transitioning, I can feel the darkness of depression trying to close in.
Any advice or just sharing your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
As someone who is unable to undergo medical transition, for a whole host of medical reasons too long and boring to go into, I'd like to share my thoughts on what you're talking about, if that's okay. Because I've struggled with probably all of this for most of my adult life, and still do.
I'll deal with each of your questions separately.
"Is it worth transitioning if I'm never able to pass?"
This is a tough one. If you'd asked me this question twenty years ago I would have said no. Probably without hesitation. But back then I thought I'd just end up looking like a supermodel, with very little effort. Everyone in the world would be dumbstruck and I'd have the world at my feet. Pop some pills and instant Pamela Anderson, lol. The naivety of youth and ignorance.
However, after a lot of soul-searching, therapy, and reflection, now my answer would be different. Now I ask myself questions like: "Do I pass scrutiny of the world as they see me now?", "how much do I need the world to see me how I see myself?, "How much does other peoples' acceptance matter?"
These are somewhat linked. Years of being seen as one thing has not made me feel like that thing. So why would being seen as something else make me feel like something else unless that feeling came from some
where else? Unless it came from inside me? In understanding that important point... that it isn't the world that makes you... you, passing becomes largely irrelevant. At least outside of the ways the world tries to make it difficult for people to express themselves when they don't fit into neat little boxes which makes everyone else happy and comfy and willing to invite you round for inane small talk and very bad instant coffee on a Monday morning.
If it's worth transitioning comes down to if that feeling inside you, that sense of self, is strong enough that you can't ignore it or pretend it isn't there. For me, if it were... I wouldn't be here even posting this, in all likelihood. I am someone who believes that the meaning of life... from the day we're born to the day we die is
Temet Nosce. Know Thyself. More than that,
Accipe te ipsum. Accept thyself. Whoever that is and whatever that takes.
We spend a lot of our lives hiding from things we don't like about ourselves, running from things we don't want to face, constructing elaborate facades to fit in and pretend. Yet often end up full of regret and bitterness over things not done, time not spent, words not said, dreams not pursued. When we didn't take the chance because of fear, shame, ignorance or self-loathing. All I would say to you, sweetie, is that accepting yourself and not being able to blend into the world in the way you would like can be hard. It can be very hard. But it's nowhere near as hard as
not accepting yourself and not being able to blend into the world in the way you would like.
"What would be the point if I can't pass?"
I kind of already covered this, but in my opinion, the point is to accept who you are. To get to a point in your life where you're not lying to yourself. Because when you can approach life from a point of honesty... whatever you do or don't do, it's all you. It's not a distanced version of you. Your mistakes and your accomplishments both. Seeing the world through a frosted window of someone you think you're supposed to be... it numbs you. Makes you feel like nothing you do matters. Like any decision you make is one that's made for you. It makes you feel empty inside. You're watching someone else's life rather than living your own.
I tried that when I first found out I couldn't transition. I tried everything I could think of to be numb and not feel anything. Even tried to take that to the extreme a few times. We aren't designed that way. We're emotional creatures. For good or ill. And no matter what you do, eventually that surfaces and doesn't go away until you deal with it. I have since transitioned in a different way. Mentally rather than physically, and learned how to cope with stuff that, at one point, almost broke me. Was it worth it? To be authentic, I have to say yes. It allows me to look outwards into the world instead of inwards.
"Could it make my dysphoria feel even worse should I fail?"
That entirely depends on what you mean by "fail". If you mean not having people see you how you want them to see you... I don't know. It goes back to my earlier question. Do people see you how you see yourself now? If not then what would be different other than you knowing you are doing everything you can to be true to yourself?
"What do I do to manage the pain if I don't transition?"
This is different for everyone. Medical transition isn't the only way you can be yourself, at least for periods of time. Being you doesn't have to hinge solely on how you look or what bits you have. I mean it kind of doesn't anyway. I'm not really going to... I mean, if I were in your place and had the chance I would take it. In spite of everything I've just said. But maybe that's just because I know I can't.
But what you do is you find ways you can be yourself. However small, however fleeting. For me it's a constant volcano inside and I have to release the pressure when and where I can. I have some very cool people around me at the moment and they accept me for me, even though I think some of the other girls know that suggesting makeup is like trying to put glitter on a bullfrog, lol. But I have found that if you are cool with you, then more people than you think are also cool with you. In spite of what you were born with.
Outside of that... find things that make you feel like you. Doesn't have to be physical things. Coming here for me is one such thing. People treat me like me, accept me for me, and it's just... a lifeline sometimes. You can manage it, if you have to. As someone who has to, though, I would say if you don't have to... don't.
*hugs*
