Discovering Jen

[Jen T.]

Life goes on as it always does. Holiday season is always a busy one. The kids just finished finals week (both of them up every night to midnight and beyond studying) and now they're on break for a couple of weeks. I've got work, shuttling teenagers around, buying gifts and just being generally busy. I'm kind of feeling the tug of one more year stuck in the closet but not having a lot of down time to dwell on it helps. It's not a wasted year because I have made significant progress, even though it doesn't really feel like it a lot of the time.

There are some little things that I do in an effort to feel something - anything - feminine in my daily life. All of my jeans are women's. My therapist and I had a good laugh over the irony of it: After all these years as a short, overweight man that it would be women's jeans that fit better than anything I've worn since my teens. They're just plain, basic Lee jeans but I love them. I'm also happy to say that in the last two years, after starting at a size 30, I'm down to a 26. Something else I discovered about a year ago (and I'm sorry if this is TMI) is how amazing it feels to wear a thong. Seriously, how did I not know about this before? I love how it feels like I'm wearing nothing, even though I'm wearing something. These two things, easily hidden, have been helping cater to that need to feel a little more feminine every day.

Now I've taken it a couple of steps further. While doing a lot of online Christmas shopping, I bought a couple of presents for myself. One is hip padded shorts. The pads aren't too thick and unless someone was staring at my butt not very noticeable. But I notice. They fill out those jeans a little bit and no more hip dips.😁 I look like I might actually have a little bit of a butt, which is of course what I was going for! The other thing I bought was a pack of sports bras. Now, a bra certainly isn't a physical necessity for me at this point but I've found that it's a tremendous psychological one. This is the first time I've worn one on an all-day basis. I love feeling it around me and just knowing that it's there under my shirt is all at once exhilarating, satisfying and very affirming.

Although I've experimented with it over the years, I never heard the term "underdressing" until I came here. Such a simple yet thorough description. I do it every day now and it does make me feel a little better about where I'm at.

Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and happiness,
Jen

[ChrissyRyan]

I never have worn a thong, except if they are also known as flip flop shoes!

You might want to consider body shapers, there are all kinds.  I really do not wear them much at all any longer, I guess I did not like having a compressive layer on my skin.  In fact, I may not even have mine anymore, although I did keep a corset.

They can add a little more curves, especially the corsets.  I doubt corsets have much long term impact on shape unless you wore them day and night for a very long time.  They do tend to push your body in though when you are wearing them.

Sometimes the softer body shapers are called torsettes.  Before I had had much of any breasts I wore open bust body shapers, these lifted my then very little boobs a bit.  These also let you wear a bra without the bra being covered up by the body shaper.  Now that I have boobs the body shapers should be more dramatic on shaping. But for the time being I am not going to go buy one and likely may rarely wear the corset again.  I am usually happy just having my natural look, although I do once in a while have a bigger boob and more curves envy of sorts.


I have not tried padded clothing, although some of my bras have more padding than others, as in the case of my pushup bras.

It is nice to treat yourself occasionally!

Chrissy

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Jen T.
Dear Jen:
Along with ALL of your Readers and Followers I am starving for your update on your Blog thread....

How is your new year in 2026 going for you?
Did you have a Merry Christmas?

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

[Jen T.]

@Northern Star Girl that's funny; I was reading YOUR blog when you were posting on mine.😄 I was sorry to hear that your parents aren't coming around. That's got to be rough. My parents are both gone so that's one bridge I'll never have to cross, although I wish every day that I could, for better or worse. I'm pretty sure their reaction would be similar but who knows?

We spent Christmas with a large contingent of the great many cousins I have and then had dinner at my in-laws. During the day I found myself looking around the room and trying to guess who would accept me as Jen and who wouldn't. There's one cousin that I'm 99% sure would be on Team Jen and a couple of others that are a definite maybe. There's two that I know for sure would be Team Hell No and the rest I'm just not sure about. (Bonus points if anyone knows who the original Team Hell No was.😉)

My default position in life has always been that I just don't care what most people think of me. The number of people whose opinions of me truly matter has gotten smaller over the past few years as my parents, grandparents and favorite cousin have passed.

When I'm finally ready to introduce Jen to the world if I end up a team of one, then so be it. Wow, look at me, being all tough. I wish it was as easy to do as it is to say...

Anyway, life goes on and like the song says, same as it ever was. Life doesn't wait for me to figure myself out. My daughter got her driver's permit on Christmas Eve and just turned sixteen last week. My baby girl is no baby anymore. I keep telling both my kids to stop growing up but like typical teenagers they don't listen.😄 Swim season is about to start for my son, dance comp season is about to start for my daughter and having zero free time season is already here for me and my wife.

I still have my internal struggles about the what, where, why, when and how of coming out. Or the IF. That last one is the worst. However I'm not all-consumed by all of that like I was before starting therapy and then coming here. I still can't decide what to do but it doesn't trigger my depression the way it used to. That's a win and I'll take it.

Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and happiness,
Jen

[Jen T.]

Warning: I'm going to talk for just a minute about thoughts of suicide. If that makes you uncomfortable please stop reading now. Thanks.

One Sunday morning a few weeks ago, I woke up on the wrong side of... everything. My first thoughts of the day were about how I'll never get there. I'll never come out. I'll never transition. I'll never become Jen anywhere except in my head and on these pages. I'll find a way to screw everything up like I always do. I'll never achieve this dream, so what's the point. Why try? Maybe I should just do everyone a favor and go away and die.

This is where my head goes when my depression starts to creep back in. Fortunately those moods don't hang around for very long. After nearly a decade of dealing with depression I am (most of the time) pretty good at giving myself a kickstart and channeling my thoughts into something more positive.

I emailed my therapist about it that day and then we discussed it this week. She looked at it from an angle that hadn't occurred to me. She said "If you're going to do that; going to end ####### (my male name), then end him but do it as Jen. If you really find yourself on the brink of that last resort, then why not take a chance? Throw ####### away and choose in that moment to say 'f*** it' and let Jen break out of her shell? If it comes to that point, what do you have to lose?" That gave me a lot to think about. Turning a last resort into a new beginning. Very interesting...

Speaking of new beginnings, my daughter went on her first date Saturday night. I was very happy for her. She's been watching her friends all start dating and she was starting to wonder if it was ever going to happen for her. I know she's been interested in this boy for a few months now and he seems like a decent kid. This budding romance doesn't come without a catch though. This boy (let's call him N) is best bros with our cousin (we'll call him E) who has made his disapproval known by refusing to speak to either one of them. E does have a rep with some of my daughter's (C) friends as being kind of a jerk and I've seen it a time or two at family gatherings. It's weird that E should be so against C & N being a couple that he's completely shut them out. I told C that E needs to man up and tell her why and she agrees. However I think we all know what teenage boys are like. He won't say anything unless she forces him to. She will eventually but for right now, conflict and confrontation are not on her mind. Seeing that little spark in C when she talks about N brings me a little bit of joy.

It's one of the things that keep me from contemplating that last resort too much.

Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

[Stottie Girl]

That is an interesting comment from your therapist. Instead of killing yourself, kill the old you. I can see some merit in that.

I have suffered with depression for a number of years but have emerged from it earlier this year and I have put that down to changing my career direction and other things. I'm putting my house up for sale and changing everything. Change is very good medicine for depresssion in my book.

I must say though I never had thoughts of suicide so I hope the above isn't chirlish. I have seen friends and acquaintances go that route and seen the fall out, I couldn't put loved ones through that. I also live near a high speed rail line and there have been at least 6 suicides on the tracks near me. The whole village mood is down when that happens.

For me suicide can never be a way out. There is always a path back to happiness even if it is often so hard to see it. I hope you find your path soon.

[davina61]

Just go with the Monty Python song, always look on the bright side of life.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I completely get that chain of thought you describe and yet even though in normal times you know it's irrational, at that point it can be all consuming. Glad to hear that you mostly have some control over it and support from your therapist.

Still very distressing when these thoughts do occur. I hope one day you can escape them almost completely.

It's good that you are getting that joy from your daughters journey. That is at least something good to always hold on to.

Love Charlotte 😻

[Lori Dee ✅]

Those are the dreaded NATs, or some call them ANTs, Automatic Negative Thoughts. The negative self-talk that causes us to spiral downward, and has no useful purpose. The way to spot them is that they show up in absolutes that are not true, and that leads to a false conclusion:

I'll never get there.
I'll never come out.
I'll never transition.
I'll never become Jen anywhere except in my head and on these pages.
I'll find a way to screw everything up like I always do.
I'll never achieve this dream, so what's the point.
Why try? Maybe I should just do everyone a favor and go away

The mind says if these are true, then I might just... But the statements are not true. You don't know the future, so you cannot say I'll never because maybe you will. You don't always screw things up.

So, if the preceding thoughts are untrue, then the last statement must be untrue as well. Your going away will not "do everyone a favor," and in fact, it would be exactly the opposite. People would be hurt. Lives changed forever.

I know that when you are struggling to get through it, it is not so easy to just stop and think about what you are telling yourself. I am glad that you know how to get through it, and I wish everyone did.

Thanks for sharing this. The story about your daughter made me smile.

[Jen T.]

So, if the preceding thoughts are untrue, then the last statement must be untrue as well. Your going away will not "do everyone a favor," and in fact, it would be exactly the opposite. People would be hurt. Lives changed forever.

I know that when you are struggling to get through it, it is not so easy to just stop and think about what you are telling yourself. I am glad that you know how to get through it, and I wish everyone did.

Thanks for sharing this. The story about your daughter made me smile.

Thanks Lori. You were bringing so much logic that I started looking for Mr. Spock. 🖖😎
I'm glad you liked the story about my daughter. My kids really are my reason to keep going. If not for them I would have checked out a long time ago.

[ChrissyRyan]

Happy Valentine's Day Jen!


Chrissy

[Dances With Trees]

Happy Valentine's Day, Jen!

[Jen T.]

The past two weeks have been no fun for me physically. First, it was a nasty case of the flu. I had it all, cough, runny nose, headache, chills, body aches and a fever that lasted three days and topped out at 103°F. I used up all my sick pay for the year in one week.

Then, last weekend, when I'm finally getting over being sick and ready to go back to work, my back goes crazy with the worst pain I've ever felt. I manage to go to work on Monday but after that there was no chance. I've spent most of the time since then in bed because my back doesn't hurt when I lay down. Thankfully it seems to be getting better and I think I'll be able to go back to work on Monday.

Then, on Wednesday came the dream that I can't stop thinking about. I'm walking down a busy street and I see my reflection in a store window. Instant joy when I realize my wish has come true and I'm in a woman's body. Not just any woman's body though; MY body. Time stands still for a moment while I look at this dream come true. Then comes instant terror when I realize I'm standing on a busy sidewalk completely naked. Panic ensues. I can't find clothes anywhere. All the stores are locked. It's like someone is saying, "Here you go. You want to be a woman? Okay but there's a catch." I woke up feeling like that would be just my luck.

So there you have it: a couple of weeks in the life of Jen, filled with things that I file in the folder marked "This could only happen to me."

Thanks for reading.


Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Jen T.
Dear Jen:
I am so very saddened to read of you health issues and you situation with sick time at your work.

I am trusting and praying that problems with your back get solved soon.
For me and the rest of your avid readers and followers, please keep your updates coming.

Many HUGS and more HUGS.
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
   The Forum Admin

[davina61]

I feel for you dear having suffered from recurring back pain for the last 30 odd years, you learn to look after it and try to avoid things that trigger it . Hope you get better soon.