Cloe’s self-observations

[cloe_2023]

Dear all,
that shall be my blog for observations on myself and my environment, and anecdotes while moving on the gender spectrum. Please enjoy and comment – but please never forget: While we share so much and have much in common our cultures, our (political) environments and state in our journeys differ largely.

Cloe (57), Belgium


Is losing male privilege a first step in passing?

An encounter today at the local farmers market. Outside temperature 0°C – rare in Belgium – I am wearing a long red cardigan that shows under a windbreaker, a scarf and my natural curly long hair flows free down to shoulder. So, from behind I might have looked passable – albeit, a bit broad shouldered.

At a dairy stand, I am first in queue behind two men just being served, behind me a smaller women of Asian origin. A man probably in late 60s comes from a back, skips the line, puts himself on the counter, makes himself large (well, he isn't. I am at least 10cm taller) and seeks eye-contact with the vendors. How does he dare?

The vendor having finished her client, ignores him and turns to me: 'Bonjour monsieur'. The man immediately visibly buckles, turns his head towards me, eyes wide open as if in horror.... Does he suddenly realise that he had infringed the rights of ... a man, he had mistaken for a woman? I smile to the lady behind me and the vendor – and get the smile returned.

[ChrissyRyan]

So in Belgium a man may step to the front of a serving line if only women are in line, and that is socially accepted behavior?  Or is it always rude behavior to cut in line?

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Everyone

Cloe you asked the following question:

Is losing male privilege a first step in passing?

If your aim is to become a 'female' then, Yes, losing male privilege is one of those initial steps in passing, as it reflects how society begins to perceive and treat you as female.  This loss becomes evident through exclusion from male dominated conversations (I can relate to this one) or facing challenges unique to women, such as discrimination, ceiling level, safety concerns, or being seen as part of the "weaker sex."

While I didn't initially recognize male privilege or think about it consciously, moments like being left out of discussions among men highlighted this shift.  Losing male privilege is not just about societal treatment, it also involves navigating the vulnerabilities and realities of living life as a female.

Despite all these concerns, I pushed forward with determination.  Why did I keep going? I don't have a simple answer.  It was just something I had to do.  That's life.  These challenges, including the loss of male privilege, were simply part of living my life as a female and I accepted them as they came.  Through it all, I chose to continue forward, embracing my life as a female fully and completely.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@cloe_2023

[cloe_2023]

So in Belgium a man may step to the front of a serving line if only women are in line, and that is socially accepted behavior?  Or is it always rude behavior to cut in line?

Dear ChrissyRyan,

Clearly, it is not socially accepted behaviour in Belgium to skip any line. It would always be considered rude.

My point is: For some (like this man), the barrier to jump to skip the line is lower when he sees only women in the line. So it is not so much about 'socially accepted behaviour' but about individually perceived limits set by those directly interacting with you.

Another example some days earlier.

It was snowing. The sidewalk along an inner-town busy street is narrow and hardly cleared. A woman (giving Latin-American appearance - mentioning it as I think there is a race dimension in it as well) comes out of a laundry shop with a big bag of laundry. Our passes will cross, she makes herself ready to step into the puddle. I make a fast step and jump into a house's entry. She smiles and continues on the cleared part of the sidewalk. She looks at me saying, "Oh, one doesn´t expect that from a man".

An interesting take on gendered expected behaviour - pity that I didn't pass that moment. Courtesy expectations have changed, it seems.

[ChrissyRyan]

Simple curtesies can go a long way.

[ChrissyRyan]

I have received some niceties by those receiving me as a woman.
This includes using the correct pronouns, name, holding a door open, and "please, after you."  Also:
Complimenting me on jewelry or something about my appearance, asking what Chrissy thinks, etc.

Then again I have experienced some mansplaining, some very awkward moments by those clearly trying to suppress their laughter (in my opinion, of course) or "was HE a DEI hire?", when told about that question presented to a colleague who spoke on behalf of me as being very competent.

I think there IS male privilege though.  In some societies it is extreme. 

Chrissy

[cloe_2023]

Dear all

It is always so nice to read, but writing... Sorry way too seldom and so much has happened since the first opening post for me. Gosh, 20 months already.

Wardrobe changed, but not yet socially fully transitioned; voice training started in March – I always hated my voice – it is so much fun to experiment, play, learn and build an alternative voice; HRT works on body and mind and I feel so good.

One day in May this year I recognised that the passport will expire end of October. Practically minded as I am, that triggered notifying a desired change of gender marker on the birth certificate back in Germany before getting a new passport. October 2nd the three months waiting period had passed.

It all ran towards making big decisions around National coming out day 2026 a 'target date' for the official coming out – which was Sunday. How is it going?

I felt the support by my wife over the months even if it was rarely spoken about. During the last weeks I had individual chats with our four adult daughters which are all super supportive – and one of them is deeper in the queer community than I had thought. Nice way of bonding.

My wife came home from a week traveling on Saturday, Sunday I asked her if she would mind me realizing the change I'd anticipate. I would give her a 'veto' over it and find my way. Evidently the five had talked in the back and her reaction was "Finally you ask me. I feared you would leave me out. Sure if you feel good doing it and this is what you want." And the rest was simple curiosity on what I intend to do precisely. So, I told her the chosen name, provided the bureaucracy would allow it.

This morning I got the message that they are ok with a neutral gender marker, a rare unisex Japanese name meaning 'Human' and also 'Benevolence' in combination with the name of one Grandmother (which is the name I used now at doctors and coaches) and French female name I really like. So the twist is feminine – but I don't feel the F-marker (yet?).

When I came home, a daughter currently living with us, told that my wife has started practicing the new name in a talk with her this afternoon. I was close to tears.

Tomorrow, Tuesday I will announce it to the team at work – and will have to announce that I will be leaving the team end of the month. A double farewell to a nice young team where the tasks got too worn out and management too bad so change was required. November 2nd is the official act of name change and a day later I'll start in a new team.... that is actually older and 'much more
male'. They might not get much choice.  As a coach put it: "In a European public administration, you have all the protection in a conservative environment. In arts its quite the opposite."

It all seems to run smoothly. Curious what tomorrow will bring and happy to leave the old names behind. (but that's a different story).

Hito

[Stottie Girl]

Wow, that is a significant update Cloe. A lot going on there. I don't think we have met, I'm Sarah, I think I joined Susans just after your last post in this blog.

Very best of luck for tomorrows anouncement. I do hope it all goes well. Telling my place of work is something that scares me a lot but it sounds like you are fired up for it.

Sarah xx