Dealing with the intellectuals

Terra · July 13, 2006, 08:22:35 PM

Ok, i've complained about my parents, (so we all have) but I want your opinion on what my uncle suggested to help my parents come to an understanding. As in about two weeks if everything goes right, i'll be starting HRT, he suggested having my parents sit in on in one session to give their side of the story. On multible levels I feel unconfterble on this, afterall, in all the therapists, I recall at least two times in coming out, both meet with bad consequences, on top of coming out at 12. My opinion is that i'm 21, and my parants had their chance to say something.

However, my uncle advised that since my mother and father are intellectual people, they need to hear it from a proffesional. As I type this I guess he was trying to say that my own opinion is worthless to them because they think i'm to close and personal to it. He asked me what I have to lose by doing this, but...

I don't know, am I being shelfish or vindictive?

Melissa · July 13, 2006, 08:27:07 PM

I think that if you don't want them coming to your therapy appointment, then you shouldn't have them come. Either they will accept you or they won't right away. I believe there is very little that can be done to change that except giving them time if they aren't accepting immediately.

Melissa

Melissa · July 13, 2006, 08:55:00 PM

What do I know? My parents don't accept me. $:-\$

Melissa

Melissa · July 13, 2006, 09:02:15 PM

Yeah I hope so. I was just saying that my advise may not be worth so much in this case.

Melissa

tinkerbell · July 13, 2006, 09:16:12 PM

Quote from: Melissa on July 13, 2006, 09:02:15 PM
Yeah I hope so. I was just saying that my advise may not be worth so much in this case.

Melissa

Hi Melissa:

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Your parents are just very confused right now....I don't want to sound like a broken record...but you just have to give them time....I'm also sure they will accept you someday...you'll see, and you'll make a related thread then...

tinkerbell

stephanie_craxford · July 13, 2006, 09:19:06 PM

Quote from: Luana on July 13, 2006, 08:22:35 PM
Ok, i've complained about my parents, (so we all have) but I want your opinion on what my uncle suggested to help my parents come to an understanding. As in about two weeks if everything goes right, i'll be starting HRT, he suggested having my parents sit in on in one session to give their side of the story. On multible levels I feel unconfterble on this, afterall, in all the therapists, I recall at least two times in coming out, both meet with bad consequences, on top of coming out at 12. My opinion is that i'm 21, and my parants had their chance to say something.

However, my uncle advised that since my mother and father are intellectual people, they need to hear it from a professional. As I type this I guess he was trying to say that my own opinion is worthless to them because they think i'm to close and personal to it. He asked me what I have to lose by doing this, but...

I don't know, am I being shelfish or vindictive?

Luana, while your parents gave you life and raised you, it is up to you to live your life. Your parents have no business in your therapy session giving their side of the story. What story are they going to give? This is about you not them. If they can't trust your adult judgment (afterall they raised you), why would they trust any other adults judgement. It matters not that they are intellects, even though they may not approve, they need to respect your decisions. He asked "What do you have to loose?" well how about your dignity and self respect.

Personally I would say a definite "No", you are not being selfish or vindictive, your parents have no business in your therapy sessions.

Steph

Melissa · July 13, 2006, 09:24:19 PM

Ha ha. So it seems my advice may have been worth something after all.

Melissa

stephanie_craxford · July 13, 2006, 09:35:51 PM

Quote from: Melissa on July 13, 2006, 09:24:19 PM
Ha ha. So it seems my advice may have been worth something after all.

Melissa

Huh!

Leigh · July 13, 2006, 09:52:26 PM

Quote from: cindianna_jones on July 13, 2006, 08:57:24 PM

Love conquers all!

That rates right up there with The meek shall inherit the earth!

If it were only that simple and true.

Leigh

HelenW · July 13, 2006, 10:08:04 PM

Luana, my suggestion is that you give your parents the name and number of your therapist and have them make themselves an appointment. That would do some good I think.

But to have them in the same room "to give their side of the story?" Huh? There's sides to this? That implies choice, acceptable alternatives. Doing so would put you and them into an adversarial position with the therapist as arbiter/judge. I don't think that would be a healthy scenario for any of the participants. You're not being selfish or vindictive, imo, you're being cautious and prudent if you feel uncomfortable with this idea.

But to have them speak to your therapist alone and get some unbiased information, well that, I think, would be golden.

Good luck either way. I think your uncle's idea isn't half bad (it's only half good LOL!)

helen

Chaunte · July 14, 2006, 12:42:06 AM

Quote from: cindianna_jones on July 14, 2006, 12:33:53 AM
Love is not simple; and it doesn't always work.
But if you love, truly love, you will know that you have done what can be done. There is great peace in that.

As far as the meek inheriting the earth? It'l never happen! they can't afford it.

Cindi

I think it was J. Paul Getty who said, "The meek may inherit the Earth, but not the mineral rights!"

Chaunte

LostInTime · July 14, 2006, 07:37:25 AM

My parent's lived too far away so they did a couple of phone sessions with my first therapist. I would like to believe it helped a bit.

Terra · July 14, 2006, 12:17:35 PM

Hmm...well, I guess I can ask my therapist if she would be willing to do a one on one with mom, or dad. But I know EXACTLY what mom will say, 'He never acted femminen at all, how can you not act fem and still be trans?" She didn't like my asnwer of being a tomboy though. Though I would have LOVED to take part in the female world, in a midwestern town, with a life history of bad male expereinces, I didn't want to risk it, I choose the most male and macho thing I could think of in each situatiion.

My point of posting this is to ask if you think you can be trans, and still be a tomboy?

Melissa · July 14, 2006, 12:21:38 PM

My response to that objection was that not all women act feminine.

Melissa

Shayna · July 14, 2006, 03:13:51 PM

First, I think Helen's advice is "right on the money". That said, I think there is something not yet touched upon by anyone in this thread but first a short story.

I've come out to 14 people. I must have chosen wisely as 12 have been very accepting and supportive, even tho they don't "understand". The two that have not been supportive are my older brother and his wife. They pummelled me for about an hour stating their questions arose from love and concern. After calmly answering their questions - more like personal attacks - I asked my sister in law if it would help if I provided additional articles and information I had. Her response: "No, that would only make it more negative!"

Here's my point. While I will not go out of my way to expose myself to their inability to reach the point of being supportive, I won't push them away either. Family is much too important for me to "cut off my nose to spite my face." I serves no one for me to close the door and perhaps, someday, they will come to a point of acceptance. If not, my life - the life I choose and deserve - will be as it should be.

Kimberly · July 14, 2006, 04:07:32 PM

Quote from: Luana on July 14, 2006, 12:17:35 PM...
My point of posting this is to ask if you think you can be trans, and still be a tomboy?

Er, I KNOW I am a tomboy.

So, what Melissa said

Elizabeth · July 14, 2006, 05:17:02 PM

Luana,

I am not sure what "thier side of the story" means. Is this a public debate and the outcome will be determined by the "side" with the best argument? Your parents story in this is simple, they had sex at some point resulting in a pregnancy that created you. They had no say so, or side in determining the outcome of your life.

The one thing that none of us has a choice in, is what crotch we are yanked out of. Had I been given a choice, I certainly would not have chosen my parents or family. We are taught to beleive that we owe these people something by virtue of the fact that we were born to them, but this is not true. Love does not conquer all, and I don't owe it to my family to allow them to continue to be a source of negative energy in my life.

Why is it always the obligation of the transgendered person to bring about acceptance? Why do the other parties not take responsibility for thier inablity to love unconditionally? If I am not valuable enough to thier lives that they will make some effort to have me in thier lives, than I am not going to put myself in an inferior position of beggin people to accept me.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Luc · July 14, 2006, 05:53:52 PM

Okay, so I haven't come out to my parents, and don't intend to anytime soon, but I do know what it's like dealing with "intellectuals". I'm probably guilty of the same crime. My folks don't believe something unless it's been drilled into their heads by a million people, but it's impossible to predict just who will make the difference. Personally, I suffered through depression for almost 10 years, all the while telling my parents how depressed I was and how much I needed help, but they didn't believe me until I was on the verge of suicide and told them I'd been seeing a therapist.

I think that having your parents talk to the therapist may be helpful, but if you're not comfortable with it, you're certainly not obligated. Regardless of whether your parents believe you or believe in you, you are who you are. And being a tomboy... I don't think you should be too worried. I'm an FtM who somehow can understand chicks, and have been told I'm just a little too feminine sometimes to be a guy. However, I've met very straight, very secure-in-their-masculinity men who are far more feminine than myself.

Rafe

Terra · July 19, 2006, 04:34:53 PM

Well, I talked to my therapist, but I think I had made up my mind before talking to her. I decided not to go through with that idea, quite the oppisite, i'm going to firmly tell my parents and extended family no. No because i'm not confterble with it, and no because of other reasons.

As my therapist said, my father saying he knew transexuals is like someone saying they know what it is to be black because they have black friends. If my parants want to talk to my therapist to learn, fine, but not if they are treating this issue as a debate. It is not a debate, its fact.

As for eveyone in my extended family who is pressuring me into this, i'll tell them that they can have a say in my life as soon as i have a say in theirs. They want to be a part of my life? Fine, then let me come to the family gatherings, invite me over, and let me see my younger cousins. Shileding them from me is only delaying the inevitable, so what happens if one of the kids is transexual that they go to school with?

...I'm really fired up on this, but the trick is to tell everyone without burning the bridges completly. Noone is going to like this, I know that, but all my efforts have been to try and keep communications open. So if anyone has any great ideas, please share them. 😉