What Can I do?

[Mario]

I just have to talk about this. Some of you know what I am going through with my oldest daughter Mariah. She is 15 and is having a harder time with my transition than my other kids. She called me hysterical over a fight here and her father had gotten into. He is being a jerk, an I will always side with her, because I know how he twists things to make it look like it is not his fault. She was so upset, about what he was saying to her, telling her to clean her room, so she goes to do it and shuts her door and he starts pounding on it telling her to leave it open. What a loser. Anyway then she's crying and telling me how much she loves me and misses me and everything has fallen apart since I left and she want me to come back.Now as I am crying on the phone, I told her how much I love her and will do anything for her but I can't go back there to live. She has to know that. She continued to tell me how much she misses me in the house and she pretends that I am still there at night to kiss her good night. And that we used to be so close and she could always talk to me. I told her I am not changing on the inside, and that we can still be close, and I know it is hard for her to go through this. Do you think it is like losing a parent to death? I don't know. I don't want her to feel that way. I love her so much, and not that I don't love my other 3 kids, but Mariah and I have always had a special bond I don't have with the others. Now that has all been very challanged. I told her she can stay here , but she says she just dosen't understand. I want to help her understand. A friend of ours is bringing her here to me and she will stay here tonight, then I will bring her to that friend's house for a few days. She feels very unstable right now. She is a good student and a very good vollleyball player and I don't want all my crap messing up her life. I pray things will go well with her overnight. Thanks for listening.
                                       
                                                   Marco

[Melissa]

Hi Marco,
The way I see it from a woman's point of view, is that all she knows about the situation right now is how she feels about it.  She doesn't know how to fix it so that she feels better about her living situation and is coming to you in hopes of improving it.  It doesn't necessarily mean she needs you to detransition, but you can at least help her feel loved.  The teenage years are a volatile time in a person's life and the current living complications further compound this.  I can't exactly remember the agreement you have set up between you, your ex, and your daughter, but it sounds like his attitude is not helping him.  You need to be the "good parent" so that she will see you as a beacon.  I see the whole situation you describe as a golden opportunity to win your daughter back and I think what you already did is going to help immensely.  Just keep reassuring her that you love her and let her know that your home is open any time for her.  I can see her eventually coming around.

Melissa

[jan c]

Hey Marco, damn that is rough

While she's with you just nurture that bond. That bond is stronger than this other noise. I know you know that; just reinforce all that's good, and there is so much that's good. Be strong as you are being.

You think it can work that she gets out of that house eventually and be with you? I've seen that pulling the child apart, parents using the kid as a weapon, to get at the other parent, all my life. That is what will make her unstable, and for a long time unstable.
I know you feel me on this.

I pray it will go well with her on the overnight too, man.

The love will out, you got to believe it.

love
jan

[Mario]

Melissa,
   Thanks for talking to me. You always make me feel better. Really. The situation is Pam and I are in a dinky apartment, and my ex and all 4 kids are 45 minutes away with him. That is there house with there own bedrooms. That is where they should be. Friends, volleyball for Mariah, and school need to be stable. She has a hard time seeing Pam and I together, since Pam is her best friends mom. I understand the frustration in that.

                                                  Marco

[Melissa]

I see, but with time, those may not be big issues anymore.

Melissa

[Mario]

Thanks Jan. Yes you are right love will always win. Especially with kids. Fiest I need a bigger place, and even then I don't know if she would live with me. After my surgery in a couple of weeks, things will change even more. I know all I can do is leave my door wide open.

                                    marco

[Dennis]

Have you considered going with your daughter to a counsellor so that she can have an opportunity to vent what she's feeling in a safe place?

Otherwise, I think letting her know that what she's feeling is normal and that she can talk to you (even about your transition) and you won't judge her or stop loving her will help. One of the things she's probably feeling right now is that the person she feels safest talking to is the person she wants to talk about. If there were someone else, even, that she could talk to about her feelings about your transition that might help. Pam's probably too close to you for her to really feel like she can say anything she's feeling.

I think you're doing the right thing, leave the door open without pushing or pulling her through it.

Dennis

[Mario]

Dennis,
         Yes, a counsellor is what is needed. The friend that dropped her off here today is going to try to set something up for tomarrow. It has been great with her tonight. She is reinforcing that she still loves me, and that is everything to me.
                                            Marco
   

[Dennis]

Maybe too letting her know that you know that she needs someone else to talk to because normally it would be you, but she needs to talk about you and that's ok would help. Just so she feels ok talking about it, cause she's got to let it out.

Dennis