coming out... again?

[hayden.]

hello ladies and gents, and everyone in-between or un-defined (i don't mean that in an offensive way).

if possible, i'd like a bit of advice from you all.
i never really post, i'm more of the lurking type (regardless of how oddly creepy that sounds).

here's a little background:
when i was twelve i came out as a lesbian to my mother.
although it was not what she had wanted for me, she was and to this day is very accepting. she told me i was her daughter and she'd love me, no matter what. it's really not an issue.

fast-forward a good few years and here i am today and i have realized two things.
the first being that even though i do very heavily lean towards females, i am pansexual.
that is not my problem.

my problem is, i have also realized that i am transgender.
of course, to me it's not really a 'problem,' but to my mother it's nearly guaranteed that it will be.

i am not and never was feminine, my mother is aware of this, and never misses an opportunity to remind me that i am a 'girl.'
i will reply with, "no, i'm not."
and she will say, "you sprouted a dick?" or something alongside that.
in a joking manner of course.
the conversation ends there.

i assume she just thinks that i am a butch lesbian.

i've been bottling this up for some good time now, and i have finally decided that this will be no more.
i cannot happily go on this way any longer - i simply cannot. i wish i could and all would be well, but sadly, that's not the case.
i need to live as man to be happy. in my heart i know that and no matter how much i myself would love to be able to deny it, that's not happening.
i have come to terms with that.

my thought was to take her and my step-father out to dinner and announce it to them both.
i wish there was an easy way to spit it out - but you and i both know that is not so.

considering i still live at home, quietly transitioning alone and not telling her is not an option; or else i probably would have done that, even though that is not the best solution.
i am not afraid of being kicked out like a lot of other people are, my mother is not that way.

it's just a very hard thing to say, as well as to do. i was never the type that gave a ->-bleeped-<- (for lack of better wording) of what people thought of me. i never did, never will.
i do fear her reaction though, it is a life-changing thing; and i myself am scared.
transitioning is a big step. a big change. it is not easy news for anyone to hear, and believe me, it's not easy on me, either.

okay, i'm going to stop rambling and get to the point -
i was thinking of taking them out to dinner, like i previously mentioned, and telling them that way.
i was also considering telling them when we arrived back home, as that may be the better option.

any advice/suggestions/tips would be greatly appreciated.

if anyone even bothered to read this all - i thank you, truly. 🙂

- hayden.

[Diane]

I read it all Hayden. I wish i could offer you advice, but i can't.

[sarahb]

The one thing people hate is to feel uncomfortable. Taking them out to dinner and telling them may put them in an awkward situation. They may not feel comfortable talking about it in their own home, let alone out in the public at a restaurant. I'd say sit them down at home when they're in a good mood and you think it's the right time and tell it to them straight. That way they'll be in a familiar environment and feel more comfortable asking questions and delving deeper into conversation about it.

You're right in that there's no easy way to tell them something like this. But going in with all the information you can makes it a little easier. Also, realize that you don't necessarily have to have an answer for all their questions. It's ok to say "I don't know," and tell them you'll get back to them. I wish you luck.

~ Sarah

[Mr. Fox]

Yes, coming out at a restaurant entails an awkward car ride home.  I suggest doing it at home where everyone will be more comfortable and able to avoid each other afterward.  Also, while I suggest coming out in person, if you find you cannot manage that, it is better to come out in writing than not at all.  You seem fairly brave, but these situations rather unpleasant, and it is especially hard with one's parents.  Feel free to PM me (I'm celebrating the fact that I learned that PM stands for private message).
Adrian

[iFindMeHere]

hey Hayden.

I'm a "newer" guy to things like yourself, I have not yet been to a therapist or started hormones or anything.

I recently came out to my parents... one of the things that I felt was really important was an attitude of "this is how it's going to be" and a lack of emotional vulnerability--the more confident and relaxed you are, the better the conversation will go. Simple information is best... perhaps explaining it as a birth defect we don't test for (and if you want more info on the Birth Defect theory let me know).

One of my favorites to give parents (especially parents of teens) is Families in TRANSition by Central Toronto Youth Services (contact me for the link). Also, Susan kindly hosts a story about guys like us called My Daughter Changed Sex: https😕/www.susans.org/reference/gfam2.html.

Bottom line is, spend some time looking around. There is tons of information to help you get your thoughts together. Eventually you'll find yourself reading something and going "WOW I wish they could read this." Build a list and offer it to them.

Some parents will decline your information. They may be offended that you're making this "choice" (riiight, we are just so bored we decide to put ourselves through this). There are a million possible reactions. Make a safety plan in case you need someplace to go for a bit.

And remember... we're always here to talk.

[Luc]

I used to think I was gay, too, but the last thing I would ever have done was tell any member of my family. My mom suspected a couple times, and confronted me once, and honestly, she was more okay with the trans thing than when she thought I was a lesbian. Really, I think she still believes I am just gay and confused. The only reason she's slightly okay with my marriage to a woman is that, because my wife is mtf, my mom believes that she is just a confused guy (just like I'm a confused girl, apparently).

If your mom's okay with you being supposedly gay, I doubt the trans thing will be gigantic. She sounds like a pretty understanding woman, and she probably knows more about where you're at than you think. I'd just level with her if I were you, and not necessarily in a public setting... that could definitely be awkward. Good luck, man.

SD

[Jay]

Personally I wouldn't come out to them at a resturant I would go stay at home. I told my mum first
who told my dad.. It wasn't a shock. And previously that them that I was gay. However it did
soften the blow of coming out trans.

I wish you good luck and courage!

[Cindy ✅]

hi
Good luck,
But totally agree with a private conversation.. They are accepting you as a Gay Les. Do they fully know what that means? You obviously are not,your a guy, that's how you identify.
Do you have a therapist who could be with you? Could your girlfriend be with you?

Feel for you

Cindy James

[hayden.]

i want to thank each and every one of you for reading that and also responding - it means a great deal to me.



diane: that's fine. sometimes we cannot offer advice, but even listening helps, believe it or not.

sarah: that's what i was thinking. since i already did mention the dinner, i probably will tell them when we arrive home, like i mentioned before.
thank you for your advice and for the good luck, i will surely need that. 😉

fox: i never really thought of that. oh, the dreaded awkward car-ride home.
definitely something i want to avoid.
i was thinking of that too, writing a letter; where i can compose my thoughts better. i'm still considering doing so.
i would, however, i cannot PM anyone just yet. us new ones need fifteen posts, first. thank you, though. 🙂

ifindmehere: congratulations on recently coming out. it takes a lot of courage and bravery.
i naturally have an attitude of sorts, i have a take-no-->-bleeped-<- type of personality. if possible, more information on that theory would be awesome.
i would contact you for the link, but i am not at the required fifteen-post mark yet. i appreciate the offer.
i agree with you. people fear what they don't understand - and my mother won't understand. to her, 'gay' is a simple concept. attraction to the same sex. not too much of a big deal. 'transgendered' is not quite that easy to understand for not-so LGBT educated, cisgendered, heterosexual people.
that's funny. i don't think i could ever be so bored in my life to put myself through all this. i doubt anyone could.
she will probably think something along those lines, though.
thank you, thank you, thank you - you've been infinitely helpful to me bro.

sebastien: really? i have a feeling mine will be the opposite way, because i have sort of 'tested the waters' with the topic before. congratulations to you, though.
though i am sorry for her thoughts on that - it's hard for parents to understand, usually.
i'm sure it won't be as much of a shock as it would've been if i hadn't come out as gay at such a young age - however, i don't think she'll be any more accepting.
gotcha. thank you heaps for the advice and the much-needed good luck.

jay: i already have decided that wouldn't be the best of ideas, i probably should've thought more rationally.
and yes, no matter the setting, it's not changing my situation.
congratulations on your coming out, and thank you.

cindy: do they know fully what what means, being transgendered? i'm sure my mother has a very basic understanding of what it is, not in-depth or past 'changing genders.' i don't think she knows what it consists of; taking hormones, surgery (depending on the person), etc. i actually don't have either a therapist or a girlfriend at the moment, haha. hopefully by speaking with her i can arrange to see a therapist who specializes in such an area.
thank you.

[iFindMeHere]

i want to thank each and every one of you for reading that and also responding - it means a great deal to me.

You're welcome.

ifindmehere: congratulations on recently coming out. it takes a lot of courage and bravery.
i naturally have an attitude of sorts, i have a take-no-->-bleeped-<- type of personality. if possible, more information on that theory would be awesome.
i would contact you for the link, but i am not at the required fifteen-post mark yet. i appreciate the offer.
i agree with you. people fear what they don't understand - and my mother won't understand. to her, 'gay' is a simple concept. attraction to the same sex. not too much of a big deal. 'transgendered' is not quite that easy to understand for not-so LGBT educated, cisgendered, heterosexual people.
that's funny. i don't think i could ever be so bored in my life to put myself through all this. i doubt anyone could.
she will probably think something along those lines, though.
thank you, thank you, thank you - you've been infinitely helpful to me bro.

Oh that's right. And I don't want to post my email address, nor am I ready to take this theory hugely public. Drat.

Well, I suppose I could do this:

http😕/www.sickkids.ca/childphysiology/cpwp/genital/genitaldevelopment.htm

http😕/www.harrybenjaminsyndrome-nz.co.nz/

think about it