More name change questions?

[four_est]

Aaaaand back to name changes :x

My legal name is along the lines of Grace, Faith, Summer- type names. You can't buy a mug with my name but you can buy necklaces and awkward jewelry. I've only ever seen one guy with the name and it was a character in a 'yaoi' type comic, (anime style, anatomically incorrect gay sex- with a bad plot.) who I'm pretty sure wanted to be a women cause that's generally the plot of that stuff. So that doesn't help my self situation.

I generally go by my initials now. A friend jokingly suggested I change my name to an obviously male name when he heard it was my grandfather's name and I was named after him. I've just been worried about going from such extremes. Going from something like Grace to Reginald is a bit different from what most guys (and gals!) do. People seem to pick more modern names but I accidentally began to like my new name.

But Arch, you said that you changed your name years ago? Did it really not matter to much to you? I pass as a ten year old boy, but since testosterone isn't the biggest priority of mine I might not pass as a man for a long time. Which wouldn't bother me much since people realize I'm a guy once they hear my name. Just... I guess I have this weird fear of my license outing me. If someone thinks I'm a female, whatever. But if they KNOW I'm female, it kills me. I don't know why it's even a problem for me since I don't even drink- but if my friends went to a club or whatever and they carded me just to enter, I'd be pretty freaked out.

[aleon515]

@Andy-- Did you do this before google+ ? There is a search feature that lets someone look for you. I don't personally care if people find me or no. Maybe I'd rather they didn't. But that was the reference I think. I didn't use the trans "card". They really pride themselves in being liberal.

@four_est--- Well my name is simple and normal and totally completely gendered. I also use initials. I was known by this in the past so it seems normal. I don't go to bars and wouldn't get "carded" anyway. It is more for the formal sort of encounters where someone is going to find out my given name. As a home owner this happens all the time.

--Jay Jay

[Ayden]

I pass as a ten year old boy, but since testosterone isn't the biggest priority of mine I might not pass as a man for a long time. Which wouldn't bother me much since people realize I'm a guy once they hear my name. Just... I guess I have this weird fear of my license outing me. If someone thinks I'm a female, whatever. But if they KNOW I'm female, it kills me. I don't know why it's even a problem for me since I don't even drink- but if my friends went to a club or whatever and they carded me just to enter, I'd be pretty freaked out.

I worried I would feel the same way since I can't legally change my name for a few years what with living overseas. But, I have noticed that people don't pay any attention to the gender marker on my ID, passport or Alien Card here, and they didn't bat an eyelash in the States when I show my ID. I drink occasionally, and smoke so I have to whip that thing out in the States a lot. I was worried, but you know, I have never had anyone bother to check if I was male or female. One time, I went into the same liquor store I had been going to for a while and the cashier (who I am sure recognized me, its a small town) looked at my ID, handed it back and said "Thank you, sir." without batting an eyelash. Here I rarely have to show ID, but when I did go to city hall to get my resident card the man looked at the card, back at me and back to the card and handed it over. As I left he said "Thank you, sir, have a nice day."

If it helps, when I was working as a pharmacy tech, I had to look at ID for people buy pseudoephedrine products and certain medications, and I never noticed a gender marker. I would look at the person's picture, their face and match the names up to the RX. Most cashiers and bartenders don't really care. They just look at the birthdate, more the most part.

The one time someone pointed it out it was when I was coming through customs in Korea. The man looked at my passport and made a comment to the effect of "Guess governments make mistakes everywhere! Might want to contact the consulate and let him know that they have you as female on your passport." I laughed it off, thanked him and we exchanged a few giggles over government slip ups as he ran my carry on through the x ray machines.

[aleon515]

I worried I would feel the same way since I can't legally change my name for a few years what with living overseas. But, I have noticed that people don't pay any attention to the gender marker on my ID, passport or Alien Card here,

This is good to know. I don't think that if I change my name, I would want to go put female on my driver's license. OTOH, I don't reasonably pass as male. I don't feel like a female. I found out that all I need is my therapist to say he is caring for me as a gender therapist or something like that.

BTW, this is my "assignment" in therapy to think up pros and cons re: name change. So does anyone think it is a** backwards to change your name FIRST? Seems so to me, yet I think this is most important to me right now.

--Jay Jay

[Nero]

Seems so to me, yet I think this is most important to me right now.

--Jay Jay

Then, that's what you should do first. You don't have to go in any set order. Do what you feel you need to do first and go from there. Maybe you'll find you feel better after certain steps and feel no need to go any further.

Even if you didn't take any more transition steps, would you still feel better with a more masculine name? If so, you should definitely go for it. Just take each step as needed.

[Arch]

Regarding my early name change: I first realized that FTMs existed when I read a book about the subject--apparently the first clinical book ever written about FTMs. The author essentially said that we are all women who need intensive therapy. Thinking I was mentally ill, I labeled myself a cross dresser instead of a transsexual. That went on for about five years until I discovered the term "transgender." Now convinced that Dr. Lothstein was a raving dingbat, I immediately adopted the new label "transgender" and started doing more research about hormones and surgery. But I felt that I couldn't transition medically because of various roadblocks.

I already presented as male and was sometimes read as male--but less and less often as time went by. And without a plan for hormones and surgery, I was going nuts. After a couple of years of this, I realized that I needed to change my name. I think the change saved my sanity in a way.

The cons? Yes, some people did get confused, but most of them thought that my first name was my last name. Some of them thought they had misheard me, so they wrote down or uttered a female name that sounds sortakinda like my male name. I ran into a few people who thought I was using a husband's credit card, a few folks who asked for ID when I wasn't expecting them to, and a few folks who commented about my unusual name. These situations were a bit awkward but not really a problem.

I was accused of identity theft once, however. I imagine that such accusations would be more common now, since people are much more aware of ID theft than they were back then. I finally convinced the guy that I really was who I said I was.

One advantage to changing my name well before transition was that it established me with that name. One disadvantage is that it linked the new name with the female sex and the female pronouns. So I still have a number of student reviews on Rate My Professors that use the female pronoun. That's maddening, and I feel that the reviews out me.

If you ever need references or a recommendation from a former boss who knew you with the old name before transition, that could be a problem.

I retroactively went back to my former schools and changed my sex in their databases years after I had left. This was just something I had to do.

The biggest advantage was emotional. Even when I regressed deep into the closet again, my male name was a point of pride, a big f*** you to the world, and a not-so-tacit reminder for myself of who I really was. I guess my name became a major coping mechanism when all hope seemed lost. Looking back, I think I needed to do it to survive.

[aleon515]

Thanks for your posts Forum Admin and Arch.
I agree that what's important to me is what's important. I just really wanted other people's ideas.
And Arch you did a good job there.

I hadn't thought of identity theft. I'd think the license has your picture though. OTOH there is driver's license with a picture. Might be a point for a name that's more androgynous though.
Yes, I think it is very common now.

Name and references is another con. (Not so sure it matters with me so much.)

I liked your pros as well. Don't think it is survival so much, but I feel that it might be a neat little "up yours" in my own mind when I hear the ma'ams and miss and so on.

Btw, I googled Dr. Lothstein. She is most known for "treating" 300 Catholic priests for abusing boys. Anyway her field is really sexual deviance. I think she viewed you through her lens of sexual perversion.


--Jay Jay

[Arch]

Is that the right Dr. Lothstein? I think his first name is Milton. He wrote a lot of articles about trans people and a book or two.

P.S. About those priests...I guess psychotherapy really can cure all.

[aleon515]

Is that the right Dr. Lothstein? I think his first name is Milton. He wrote a lot of articles about trans people and a book or two.

P.S. About those priests...I guess psychotherapy really can cure all.

Oh it's a different Lothstein. About the priests-- no therapy doesn't cure that.

--Jay Jay

[Arch]

Oh it's a different Lothstein. About the priests-- no therapy doesn't cure that.

Sorry, I was making a lame joke. My Lothstein seemed to think that FTMs could be cured ONLY through psychotherapy, if I recall correctly. He said something to the effect that some MTFs are genuine transsexuals who should transition, but no FTMs are transsexuals. We're just mentally ill and deluded women. Therapy to the rescue!!

[Cindy]

On the name change. I have recently legally changed my name, although I'm well known in my profession by my 'male' name, so I was a little hesitant. The response has been massive. I have lots of messages, all of support, from my colleagues and associates. I have lots of well wishes from people, hoping that I am happy in my 'new' stage in life. Advice from people about changing documents etc. Wonderful.

I ran around changing my driving licence, credit cards, bank accounts, Medicare (similar to social security in the USA), and everyone has been very helpful. Each person has asked me if I prefer Miss or Ms, without any prompt from me, and people have automatically changed my gender marker without any prompt (and possibly illegally but I didn't coment on what officials do :laugh🙂.

It has been very liberating and has been the seal of approval for me. I'm now me, I'm now the female me that I always knew I was.

I have even sent emails to colleagues who are not up to date with my changes to tell them. In the last case I sent an email to a colleague who I'm catching up with tomorrow.  It said, basically. Hi XX, we can catch up to go through the data sets tomorrow. BTW as you see I have changed my name, I have also changed my sex, just so as to not catch you unaware I'm now female and present as such. Hugs etc. I got a reply  that said Dear XXXX, Thanks for the heads up, I hope you find great happiness in this next stage of life.  Prof XXX will be joining the discussion as well. I hope you don't mind but I passed on your news so he isn't caught unaware either. Look forward to catching up. PS you haven't changed your preference in coffee Have you? Cheers XX.

So changing your name can be extremely positive.

Just remember to be positive in yourself and to be very proud of yourself. You deserve it.

Cindy

[aleon515]

@Arch-- sometimes, being autistic, I miss when something is a joke.

@Cindy-- Thanks for your awesome comments. I really liked them. It's obviously a lot of work to change everything-- banks, SS, credit cards, etc. (Funny thing Medicare for the US is the government medical program for people over 62). I am not actually "out" as male. I have come out to my friends and so on as genderqueer, but I really feel I am ftm (more somethign that I figured out lately). It might be a shock about the male thing, but most people have been VERY supportive. I have cued them about medical transition, which I have made no decisions on.
For some reason the name thing is VERY important to me.

I am known by an androgynous nickname that isn't going to change actually. Just want my name to match my identity and so on. I don't pass as male. I have thought that's the trickiest aspect.

Thanks guys (and the gal or two) for helping me cheat on my therapy homework.  😉

--Jay Jay

[Arch]

@Arch-- sometimes, being autistic, I miss when something is a joke.

Well, I could have included an emoticon.  :🙂

One thing I love about my name change: it establishes a lengthy history with that name. So I still have a couple of little items from work or school from the 1990s that have my male name on them--a goofy note from a coworker, an encouraging sticky from my ex--and I can tack them up on my filing cabinet without worrying that I will out myself to people who don't know about my past.

My few publications (undergrad and after) are in my male name...and half of these items were published back when I was living as a woman. None of this stuff has a pronoun attached to it. They make it look like I have always been Male Name from birth.

[aleon515]

My few publications (undergrad and after) are in my male name...and half of these items were published back when I was living as a woman. None of this stuff has a pronoun attached to it. They make it look like I have always been Male Name from birth.

Well it wouldn't be the case for me as I'm not so young. But it might be worth thinking about for someone else.

--Jay Jay

[Arch]

I'm not so young.

Me neither, but I was a late bloomer. Maybe it's just as well.

Your cat is awesome-looking.

[aleon515]

Me neither, but I was a late bloomer. Maybe it's just as well.

Your cat is awesome-looking.

Thanks, she's an amazing cat.

--Jay Jay