Talking to head hunter - should I tell?

[sarah1972 ✅]

Here is an interesting question:

I am in the early stages of transition and on HRT for almost 3 month and not full-time yet. This afternoon I have a follow up chat with a head hunter for a job starting mid 2018 (long lead time I know). By then I will be a whole lot further along in my transition but maybe not yet full time (not sure yet)

Do I tell him about being trans just to be upfront with him? I know there is no legal obligation but I do not want to surprise my future employer. I would have a lot of customer / partner interaction in that new role.

Hugs - Sarah...

[ainsley]

I would.  Another year+ on HRT and you will be glad you did because it will be hard to hide the effects at that point.  Also, why not, what have you to lose?

[sarah1972 ✅]

Thanks ainsley!

So... I did end up telling him.

Hi suggestion was to hold off disclosing to the potential employer until we have gone the next few steps in the interview process but recommended I tell them at some point.

He was actually more shocked about my current salary and bonus...

Makes me very happy...

[ainsley]

Haha!!  Funny about the salary and bonus thing.
I was going to mention that he may say ok, but hold off on that until it becomes more pertinent.  My guess is now you feel relief??
For me, the duplicity always made me crazy....

[sarah1972 ✅]

I do feel relieved. And his advice matches your suggestion.

The closer it got to the call the bigger my panic grew. It is a European Headhunter and Company, so they are way more open and I did not expect it to be an issue but I also do not want this to become one later.

I want and need to take transition a bit slower. I have a great and supportive wife but she just needs time to process everything and I have been trying not to overwhelm her. Hence no fixed time line.

And yes, duplicity does get harder. Had to wear male business outfit a few weeks ago and hated every second. 

[Gertrude]

Thanks ainsley!

So... I did end up telling him.

Hi suggestion was to hold off disclosing to the potential employer until we have gone the next few steps in the interview process but recommended I tell them at some point.

He was actually more shocked about my current salary and bonus...

Makes me very happy...

You shouldn't disclose salary, bonus or salary history with a recruiter or a company. It's none of their business and it puts you at a disadvantage.


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[ainsley]

I do feel relieved. And his advice matches your suggestion.

The closer it got to the call the bigger my panic grew. It is a European Headhunter and Company, so they are way more open and I did not expect it to be an issue but I also do not want this to become one later.

I want and need to take transition a bit slower. I have a great and supportive wife but she just needs time to process everything and I have been trying not to overwhelm her. Hence no fixed time line.

And yes, duplicity does get harder. Had to wear male business outfit a few weeks ago and hated every second.

From my personal experience, allowing time for my wife to process things was critical.  I think you are doing the right thing, there.   I hope your wife remains supportive, as mine has.  And I TOTALLY understand how you felt wearing the male business outfit.  I did that for the job I have now.  Of course, I've fully transitioned at the same job, so I wish I would have just begun as the woman I am.  Oh well!!  lol  I got the job, then transitioned 3 months later. haha!!

[sarah1972 ✅]

From my personal experience, allowing time for my wife to process things was critical.  I think you are doing the right thing, there.   I hope your wife remains supportive, as mine has.  And I TOTALLY understand how you felt wearing the male business outfit.  I did that for the job I have now.  Of course, I've fully transitioned at the same job, so I wish I would have just begun as the woman I am.  Oh well!!  lol  I got the job, then transitioned 3 months later. haha!!

In this case I would have to either start the job as female or hang in for the first few years. I would be the face for the company in the US so changing mid stream might cause a lot of trouble, hence wanting to be upfront. It is a year away that I would start so I have some time to plan it out. And there are many hurdles before I even get an offer. Until I have that there is no real reason to disclose anything...

Seems like we are both lucky with our wives :-) I have made many crazy decisions in my life and she always stuck with me and I stuck with her. This is nothing I do want to risk.

[ainsley]

Wow, Sarah, looks like you have some decisions to make.   I wish you clarity with them.  I, of course, encourage you to come out and transition when your wife is ready to, and take no mind to anyone/anything else.  lol...easy for me to say, though.  Especially since I am not the face of anything in my job, except the face of despair to those whom I audit. 

My wife is my bestie.  Always has been.  She is the only one I consider when I do anything, including when I transitioned.  I am very lucky to have found her.  Like you, I take no risks with that.