Hello. All of my life, from the time I was old enough to know I hated dolls and loved fire trucks, I've known I should have been male. But the rub is, I'm now 65 years old. As I was growing up, I only knew that something was not right, but after resisting the best a child can, finally being forced to start wearing shirts at age 10, I pretty much went along with what a girl (and woman) should be like and do. School was agony as I had to wear dresses. At least my parents went along so far as to give me the 'boy toys' I requested and heaven help any relative that gave me a doll. Because in that era we also had to wear dresses in high school, I was not a happy or good student. I went ahead and played the part my body dictated, married several times, but never wanted children.
I guess the most confusing thing of all was, I was never sexually (or pretty much in any other way) interested in girls. In my early 20s, I finally could dress as masculine as I liked, and figured, since I'm really a boy, I should like girls. But after several uncomfortable excursions into the lesbian scene, I knew that wasn't right either. I was attracted to men, as a girl should be. I have held this as the bellwether all my life that meant I really wasn't a boy inside at all. But after reading Chaz Bono's book last week about transitioning, I realized that I could actually be a male who was homosexual. Very confusing to say the least. But that knowledge led me to do a lot of research. I now know who I am, and what I am, and probably why I have spent the last 10 years very alone and enjoying it. There was just no where I fit. Were I 20 years, even 10 years younger, with what I know now, I would definitely look into transitioning. If nothing else, getting rid of the large breasts that have been a horror to me since I was 13. But I'm not. I'm just too old physically to go through the hormonal and physical aspects of transition.
Mostly why I am here is to be able to express all this to someone. I have never told a soul how I felt and it has led to 5 divorces after short marriages and a pretty solitary life. Thank you for being here, because if nothing else, I can finally verbalize the hell I have lived with (and will continue to live with, although it's easier at my age) for all of my life. I would like to read success stories here about how transitioning worked out for you younger folks, even if I can't do it myself. Again, thank you for supplying a forum for this.
