I need some advice. Ever since Friday I've been hit with a very strong, and confusing bit of depression. It's not related to gender dysphoria, but the strange thing is, my gender dysphoria isn't a big issue right now due to this depression. I don't know exactly why I'm so depressed, I've overcome so many obstacles lately that I should be beaming with happiness. I'm also already taking depression medicine to stave off this feeling. And yet my eyes always feel so heavy, like I'm fighting back tears. I don't find enjoyment in life, and I just want to play video games all the time so that I don't have to think about anything else. I can't motivate myself to work out, which is a real issue because I'm in the military and I need to stay physically fit.
The worst part about all this is that I'm having doubting thoughts all of a sudden. I know that I'm trans, I hate my body the way that it is. But part of me doesn't want to fully let go of it either. But I have an appointment mid-August to talk to the military medical team about all this, and if I can't articulate my thoughts properly then I'm not going to be able to transition properly. Just two weeks ago I was 100% gung-ho on wanting bottom surgery, voice feminization, the works. But now I'm like... "meh." Is it just the depression making me feel like this? I don't want to show up at the appointment and feel like I'm wasting everyone's time.
I'm guessing that my depression stems from my marriage. My wife and I haven't had the best marriage in the world, but I still love her and I know she's not going to want to stay with me if I opt to get bottom surgery. I don't want to lose her. I was thinking of leaving her for a while there, but I love her too much and so I hope she can still love me too.
I don't even know what I'm saying. Does anyone have any comments on any of this? I hope I'm making some sense here...
Ashley
