Needing Some Group Help

[brianna0145]

I'm into 11/2 years on HRT. And I am passing fine for the most part. I kind of hit a roadblock with female bathrooms. I am still Pre-op and very nerves to us a female bathroom, some comes from when I was 10 or 12 and went in to one and my mom and dad found out and gave me a nice beating. The other part is I go a lot is to a Six Flags park and I leave to go home and use the bathroom. I would love some help from others that have had to deal with this and got over it and started using them. I did get my name change and sex on my License. I tried to go use the men's bath room and a few guys said that I am using the wrong bathroom.

[Kendra]

Hi Brianna,

I am also MTF and I have faced the same issue.  I am pre-op and I didn't start HRT until literally today, but I have been using female bathrooms for the past couple years when I am running around as my preferred gender (that was rare two years ago, fairly frequent now but I am not full time).  I am hoping to be more presentable several months or a year from now as HRT kicks in, and with FFS in the future, but I can't hold off and not pee until then...

I have never encountered any hostility or problems in any bathroom - ever.  Earlier on I discovered my fears were my own, as if the earth would stop turning if I did something wrong (and what I was doing wasn't even slightly wrong).  What works for me is to show self-confidence even if I don't have it at that particular moment.  Act like you are supposed to be there and you won't get questioned. 

I'll admit the first time I used the women's restroom I felt like the entire planet was going to stare and point.  I was so relieved it was empty.  (The restroom, not the planet).  Took about a half dozen times to get even slightly confident about it.  At the other extreme, I was at Ikea the other day and the women's restroom there is like a chat room or social club.  I am gradually learning women's restrooms are a handy place to adjust makeup, people do that all the time. 

I am very sorry to hear you had such a bad experience on this topic when you were younger.  There is no excuse for physical abuse but the past cannot be changed.  I hope you also have some good memories from that age.  That is probably causing you even worse fears than the ones I had to overcome.  I don't know if you are seeing a counselor or therapist, but if you are I would suggest you bring this up with them.  Either way, please know you are not alone in this. 

Kendra

[Dena]

There are two things you could try that might help you get over your fear of bathrooms. The first is to use a woman's bathroom that you know will be empty. The second would be to have one or more of you female friends accompany you when you use the bathroom. Like passing in public, it will get easer after the first few times.

[LizK]

I understand your trepidation about using Womens restrooms. One of the first things I did  was work out a couple of spaces that I could go to where I had a pretty good idea the restrooms were going to be safe. For example I used the women's toilet at my HRT Drs Rooms which was part of a larger complex until  I was comfortable with that and then as Dena suggested above, it does get easier after the first few times.

Pick safe spaces where you have a pretty good chance of their being no issues. I choose my Psychologist rooms (Part of a general Dr's surgery) as another safe space and used them until I was confident enough to go into a larger public restroom.

[Tammy Jade]

As others have mentioned safe spaces are a really good place to start. I also found it so much easier when I was in a group.

I think the confidence for me just came with using them more and more. With the confidence people are also less judgmental.
I don't consider myself passing yet and I haven't had a issue yet.


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[Denise]

Not sure where you live but in the Midwest United States we don't have rules about markings on single use bathrooms.  Most places here still have single stalled bathrooms gender marked.  If it's the same by you, try using the single person woman's room.

That's how I started.

The other place was rest areas on interstate highways.  People are in-out and mind their own business.

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[Dani]

Brianna,

May I suggest what I did?

Just dress like you would normally. For me I wore t-shirt and shorts.

Shoulders back and chest out, take a deep breath and walk in like you own the place.

[KathyLauren]

If you are passing well and presenting as female, you can't go into a men's room: it isn't safe.  You are a woman, and you are entitled to use the women's room.  And you have the documentation to prove it.

I was pretty scared the first time I used a women's room.  But I knew that the key to safety is to not show fear.  Don't slink in furtively: that will draw attention to yourself.  Like Dani said, walk in like you own the place.  If anyone else is in there, make eye contact briefly and smile.

I have been using women's rooms exclusively for three months, and nothing bad has happened.  It felt a little odd the first time I went with my wife, but it's all good.

[elkie-t]

You legally changed your gender, even if police would be called, they would probably charge the person who called them. Relax, female bathrooms aren't a place where anything happens (other than refreshing make up). Obviously, sit to pee and don't forget to refresh your lipstick after washing hands. Have a spare tampon to loan (not that I ever was asked)


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[FinallyMichelle]

If you are passing and men, as unobservant as they can be, are noticing, it's time to move on.

So many of us have trouble with the same thing, I definitely did. I was so afraid and if I hadn't been evicted from a men's room twice who knows how long it would have taken. Almost from the first time on it has been easy. You'll see, and your fear will fade quickly. We all gravitate to where we belong from what I can tell, and the people there see it and accept us. No one really thinks about it, you won't either a year from now.

😁 The First time you stand in line at Six Flags to use the bathroom and no one says anything will probably cure the nerves forever. Hmmmm... thinking about it, it was almost the exact opposite that cured my nerves. Dingy rest stop bathroom at 1AM, the only other vehicle when I pulled in a seedy looking pickup that I would need a step ladder to get in. A tiny woman comes in as I am washing my hands looking tense and nervous, sees all 5'10" of big woman that I am, and instantly relaxed. She even asked if I could wait so we could go out together. Whatever apprehension I had was gone forever.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. 😊

Michelle

[Sophia Sage]

If you have any doubts, ask whoever in charge where the restroom is -- and when they point you to the women's room, well, there's where you have to go.

[Dani]

Have a spare tampon to loan (not that I ever was asked)

I never carry a tampon with me. I am 67 years old. 

[brianna0145]

I wanted to thank you all for responding to this post. This is a all great advice and I am going to just try and go to the bathroom next time I need to and i'm out in public. Thank you again I fell much more confidence to do it know.