Advice...

[Feeltrapped]

Hey everyone, been a while since I've been on here. Anyway... so I'm super closeted still... and that is one of the big issues I'm facing at this moment. Every summer my dysphoria gets ridiculous and every year it worse and worse. Which causes me to "shy away" when it comes to being intimate with my wife. Now thanks to that and something that happened a few years back, she thinks I'm cheating on here and questions everything I do.... like everything... now I feel like I'm living in two prisons and don't know what she will find worse, thinking I'm a cheater (I'm not btw) or that I've always longed to be female and it's destroying me. Our kids are young and at this point I don't know what's going to happen if she continues to think I'm cheating, the fights are ridiculous.

So my question is.. an I know every situation is different, but I can't convince her I'm faithful and alwaysbhave been, so do I just come out to her already? At least if she hurt she can be relieved I'm not cheating... she might be supportive she might not... her second longest relationship was with another gir, so I'm really not sure how she'll take it... my parents would lose it, hers would be supportive but if she's not I wouldn't have that support system.... 

[Kirsteneklund7]

Bottling it all up will only make it worse Half the reason she is suspicious is because you are hiding something.

The only hope is to come clean and hope for the best. This often means "dropping the bomb" on her. This needs to be done as tactfully as possible - reassuring her and letting her know you love her & don't want to lose her.

Thinking past step 1 is hard because you don't know how well she will take it. She will need your support & maximum help with the family.

I had to see a psychiatrist & gender therapist when the dam collapsed one night. In short order I explained why I sought proffessional advice & invited her along without being pushy.

This released the genie from the bottle and we started discussions ( & tantrums).

I had to start HRT to get back on an even keel & mitigate the angst, unease & dissatisfaction of gender misalignment. I started dressing at home with the wife's sanction.

This allowed all of us to keep functioning .

Hope that is good food for thought, my thoughts are with you,

  Kirsten

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[Shambles]

Coming out to someone close is terrifiying but it does need to be done sooner or later.. either that or your relationship will end  before that point. My advise is to tell her, it doesnt mean you need to come out to close family, just that one person if you can trust her no matter how she feels to keep it between yourselves.

Youve prob got all the worse case situations in your head about how itll go... it might not be that bad. If u cant say the words write it down and ask her to read a letter...


Good luck x

[LizK]

Its not an ideal situation but not irretrievable...if I understand you correctly thast something you have done(or not) within the marriage has caused your wife to think you are cheating on her and its down to an incident that happened before and you shy away from sex.

If it was my spouse doing that I may also be concerned that they were cheating especially if there is no obvious explanation for your behaviour(in her eyes). If you have not told her how you feel then you could easily be giving off signals that make it appear you are cheating. If it were me I would certainly tell her how I felt...what was going on and what it was I felt we needed to do.

If you don't tell her it sounds like you will have no chance, however if you do tell her there is a chance that once she understands what you are saying she might be open to the relationship in a different way.

It would seem you are definitely "dammed" if you don't tell her and you will never get the opportunity to find out whether you even had a chance.

Good luck with whatever you decide I hope it works out

Liz

[KathyLauren]

My opinion - and it's just that, my opinion - is that you have nothing to lose by coming out to your wife.  If she thinks you are cheating, she is already taking it badly.  It can hardly go downhill from here.  If you come out to her, it might go badly or it might not.  That is actually an improvement from the current situation.

I know it is scary to come out to one's spouse.  Some of the good folks here know just how terrified I was to do it.  But it's got to be done sooner or later, and it might be a way of resolving your current issues.

[cluck1992]

When I "dropped the bomb" she told me she would have rather had me cheating on her then for it to be this. In her defense that was the first two days that were filled with a release of anger and hurtful words (big bombs, have a lot of fall out) but I truly believe she doesn't feel that way anymore. Is she buying me dresses and calling me her woman? No but we are still a family and still love each other and we are working to figure out how our marriage and my revelation can co-exist. I would tell her (and did) it feels better to know that it's out there.

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[herekitten]

Goodness!  I feel for you and your situation. I wish I could offer a word of comfort, but  I have no relational point of view other than when 'coming out' to a potential life partner or a doctor which, I think, is kinda the same. Once its done, the angst goes away, as if the skies went from stormy to partly cloudy and hopefully a beautiful clear blue sky ahead. You get the picture 

[Harley Quinn]

Not knowing your wife, but you saying that her parents are supportive of such things... You probably have a chance to air your secret on a day that she's in the mood to recieve the info.  You have to be prepared for her not to wish to be in a relationship with a woman.  That is always a strong possibility.  She may understand, but not wish to continue.  Having kids, complicates things some.  I'd probably talk to a professional and get some further insight.  I like Honesty as the best policy, with a touch of timing.  A heart to heart with her on a day that you feel comfortable with the timing. 

A few things that you will have to be prepared to speak about eventually (they'll probably come up when you start the conversation);

  How far in transition you're looking to go, and how much she would be comfortable with.

  Money is another thing to look at, transition IS very expensive, and WILL BE very taxing on your family budget...

  The family dynamic is something to address... etc...

  Hormones are always an adjustment, and can be a very emotional experience.  There will be a lot of time dedicated to transition.  How much time is dependant on how agressive you take it.

[SaraDanielle]

They say advice is the worst vice--but here ya go

I'd let her know slowly - little hints.  Get a feel for where her mind is on ->-bleeped-<-. How does she respond when you bring up the subject when discussing other people?

When I told my wife - I mentioned some fantasies I was having. Gauged her reaction.  Opened up more.   It took me years to understand it - and I advocate that spouses should have maybe the same amount of time to understand too.

I wouldn't demand anything.  Just let it sink in slowly and she where she goes.   Mine went so well, that I'm probably too hasty to recommend openess.

But - I just read an article the other day that said dysphoria tends to increase in proportion to how much we hide it....Makes sense to me.  So I don't see it getting any better if you don't open up.



   

[gallinarosa]

Just another opinion - from a CIS wife - when my spouse accidentally outted themself, the evidence I first saw made it unclear as to whether it was an affair or crossdressing. Before I brought it up, I packed a bag in case it was an affair and planned to leave (not necessarily permanently but long enough to get my feet back under me at least). When I found out my spouse was trans, I did not leave and we are still together. But that's just us.

I am wondering though, from what you wrote, if you are attracted to women and to her? If not, that might be a deal breaker.

Good luck

[Feeltrapped]

Thanks for all the replies! her parents are the kindest people I have ever met, to everyone they meet. They even spoke out when her extended family were bashing Jenner, which shows me they at least have an understanding and acceptance of/to transgender people.

For her thinking I'm cheating, which again I'm not, never have, never would, never even crossed my mind... I'd sooner die then hurt her or betray her in that kind of way. Since these accusations have started she's on several occasions said "men are all the same, I should just go back to being a lesbian"... I almost blurted out my feelings at That point. Back on new years I was going to tell her, but then another fight started and I backed out... actuall wrote a letter to her on my phone while out in the woods one day explaining everything, but later deleted it because I was too chicken to let her read it.....

I don't know.... I have to do something or I'll be misurable for ever but I also don't want to loose everything... driving me crazy!!!