Virginity

[Magnolia88]

I've been thinking about this for awhile and wanted to see if I'm right or wrong about it. I recently turned 30 and I'm still a virgin. It's strange because I've always had a strong sex drive. I always have urges and fantasies. I get the hots for pretty much any attractive man I come into contact with. My problem is I just don't know how to approach guys in that way. Im always convinced they could never want me sexually. This is also because I'm mostly attracted to straight men. I've come close a couple times to online hookups, but I always backed out. I'm convinced it stems from my gender dysphoria and insecurities related to being trans. The thought of being naked and intimate with someone in my current body makes me uncomfortable. Am I wrong? Did being trans hinder or affect your sex life in any way? I'm really curious to see  your responses on this.

[Nikkimn]

Dating as transgender sucks I'm not going to lie. I know what you mean by straight men versus gay men. Gay men don't have any interest in trans women. I wouldn't compromise your values to satisfy your sexual needs. I know it sucks being the 30 year virgin and you don't want to make it to the 40 year old virgin however you don't want to get hurt either. Your first time is special and do you want to give it away to some random guy on a dating app who just wants to use you as an object one time? I'd suggest getting yourself out there and being more social. Get involved with your local LGBT community and groups. Attend social events. Keep your social life active. You're gonna meet more like minded people in person and then you can have a relationship organically that will lead to losing your virginity.


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[Nikkimn]

In my city there's a ton of Meet Up groups for speed dating or networking where you can meet single LGBT and queer friendly people. There are plenty of straight curious, bisexual and heteroflexible men out there. You aren't going to be able to likely convert a strictly straight heterosexual man into being interested in a relationship or sex with a trans woman.


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[stephaniec]

dating sucks

[big kim]

+1 it sucks big time.I rarely get dates, I'm 61 next month, the only single guys are someone called Malcolm who lives with his Mum & collects crisp packets or a Dexter! Even worse are the bunny boiler girlfriends I had!

[Magnolia88]

Glad to know I'm not alone. I'm pre-everything and I hate it. It feels like I can't express my feelings or sexuality with anyone. If I flirt with guys, it's usually in a joking way so they don't get weirded out by me. It sucks seeing people you're attracted to everyday and not being able to do anything about it. That's why I don't give myself a hard time for being a virgin. I'm sure if I were born in the correct body, I would've lost it in my teens or early 20's like everyone else. Unfortunately, it didn't happen that way. I keep telling myself it will all be better once I complete my transition. There's no guarantee of that , but it's the only thing that keeps me going.

[KathyLauren]

Though I have a different orientation than you, my experience was similar.  I wasn't aware at that age of being trans, but, in hindsight, it certainly affected my dating abilities and success (or lack thereof).  I didn't lose my virginity until I was 30.

I was only attracted to girls, but I simply couldn't figure out dating as a guy.  Everyone else seemed to know what to do; why didn't I?  I eventually got some support group therapy and figured it out enough to get married.  But I still felt like a stranger to the whole process.  I didn't have the brain wiring to be a guy, and I didn't have the socialization to be a girl. 

I can't imagine dating as trans.  It must be terribly difficult.  It probably will be better once you transition.

[Virginia]

I recently turned 30 and I'm still a virgin. It's strange because I've always had a strong sex drive. I always have urges and fantasies. I get the hots for pretty much any attractive man I come into contact with. My problem is I just don't know how to approach guys in that way. Im always convinced they could never want me sexually. This is also because I'm mostly attracted to straight men. I've come close a couple times to online hookups, but I always backed out. I'm convinced it stems from my gender dysphoria and insecurities related to being trans. The thought of being naked and intimate with someone in my current body makes me uncomfortable.

This would be a good topic to work on in therapy. I am 59, a lifelong virgin and been married twice, the most recent for the last 26 years. I had a strong sex drive and was very attracted to women, but found it nearly impossible to bring myself to ask anyone out. It wasn't until I had a breakdown about 10 years ago that I began to realize the deep seated root of my feelings that I am unlovable to anyone. My mind had locked the psychological abuse I experienced as a child so far away I had ABSOLUTELY NO MEMORY of it.

[Anastasia E]

I've been thinking about this for awhile and wanted to see if I'm right or wrong about it. I recently turned 30 and I'm still a virgin. It's strange because I've always had a strong sex drive. I always have urges and fantasies. I get the hots for pretty much any attractive man I come into contact with. My problem is I just don't know how to approach guys in that way. Im always convinced they could never want me sexually. This is also because I'm mostly attracted to straight men. I've come close a couple times to online hookups, but I always backed out. I'm convinced it stems from my gender dysphoria and insecurities related to being trans. The thought of being naked and intimate with someone in my current body makes me uncomfortable. Am I wrong? Did being trans hinder or affect your sex life in any way? I'm really curious to see  your responses on this.

Hi Magnolia, you are definitely not alone!

I'm 29, and a virgin too. Pretty sure I'm somewhere in the bi-spectrum, but I've never explored my sexuality. Every time a situation gets remotely sexual, I get extremely uncomfortable and some part of my brain goes into 'avoid at all cost mode'. It's something I've tried working on but with no success. I have to wonder: if I do not consider my own body in any way attractive, how could I possibly expect others to find it so? I find it really hard to accept that others might be attracted to this body of mine.

I have wondered many times if I was asexual, but therapists have assured me that having sexual fantasies means I have a 'healthy sex drive with myself' whatever that means  Probably doesn't help that I am also shy and introverted.

[Magnolia88]

I appreciate you all sharing your stories. It makes me feel less alone and isolated. I really am lost having to live like this. I didn't realize how much my personality is linked to my feminity and sexuality. Not being able to express it has made me a shell of a person.

[Sarah1979]

The main thing I've learned along my journey is that almost everything about us is linked to our gender, so much that cisgender people will never understand how much of themselves is wrapped up in it.  Which is probably why they have no idea how to relate to us.

[Devlyn]

In my city there's a ton of Meet Up groups for speed dating or networking where you can meet single LGBT and queer friendly people. There are plenty of straight curious, bisexual and heteroflexible men out there. You aren't going to be able to likely convert a strictly straight heterosexual man into being interested in a relationship or sex with a trans woman.

∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆ This.

[Lyric]

From your post it sounds like you're not seeing a therapist or, at least, one you can discuss this sort of thing with. Dating and sex are very challenging matters for anyone to work out in life, but being transgender does complicate it quite a lot. We don't know your whole situation and are not in a good position to give you the range of advice you need. I think you very much need to talk to a pro on this and the sooner the better. Putting such things off is like putting off happiness. That doesn't work.

[Magnolia88]

You're right. I definitely need to talk to a therapist. The problem is I don't have insurance at the moment. My job does have it, but it's a long process to get in. Longer than I plan on being there. I'm looking for jobs that come with benefits that I can hopefully start by the end of the year. Even then, it will take a few months for that insurance to kick in. I'm thinking of joining some support groups in the meantime.

[Lady Sarah]

Dating definitely sucks. However, it serves as a means to an end. After I broke up with my ex, it took over 20 years before I felt good enough about myself to try again. Then, it took another 2 years before I met anyone worth seeing twice. Being trans makes it incredibly difficult. But, if you really want to find a decent man, you have to try.

[pamelatransuk]

I've been thinking about this for awhile and wanted to see if I'm right or wrong about it. I recently turned 30 and I'm still a virgin.
I'm convinced it stems from my gender dysphoria and insecurities related to being trans. The thought of being naked and intimate with someone in my current body makes me uncomfortable. Am I wrong? Did being trans hinder or affect your sex life in any way? I'm really curious to see  your responses on this.

Hi Magnolia, you are definitely not alone!

I'm 29, and a virgin too. Pretty sure I'm somewhere in the bi-spectrum, but I've never explored my sexuality. Every time a situation gets remotely sexual, I get extremely uncomfortable and some part of my brain goes into 'avoid at all cost mode'. It's something I've tried working on but with no success. I have to wonder: if I do not consider my own body in any way attractive, how could I possibly expect others to find it so? I find it really hard to accept that others might be attracted to this body of mine.

Hello again Magnolia and Anastasia

I have always known I was transgender but suppressed for decades and only took action last year aged 62. As a young man I dated girls infrequently and for over 30 years have been celibate.

I agree with your thoughts entirely. I always felt insecure dating and really uncomfortable if things went further as how could anyone find my disgusting body attractive?

Although realizing my gender identity early, it was much later that I accepted my sexuality as what I call "asexual with minor lesbian tendencies".

You are both young and it appears you are not asexual and therefore dating will be a major problem. I hope you are able to resolve to some degree with a gender therapist.

Hugs

Pamela