Having My Doubts

[Sinnyo]

I hope you don't mind me sounding off here - I'm having a bit of a crisis of confidence.

I'm doing my best to keep my transition under control. So far it's worked very well, and I'm having wonderful times with it. Friends have been really supportive. I feel good about my progress as I draw closer to my first GIC appointment, and I'm managing to engage with the world as my newly-realised self. I don't always pass, but many people seem not to notice or care, so I haven't had cause to be unusually scared of the wider world.

My problem comes from the part-time/full-time balance. I've ordered a deed poll but have been pretty lax in actually showing it, despite wanting to avoid embarrassment when using bank cards or applying for work. I need to work, and to be employed as a woman would be a real boon, both to my confidence and the medical side of my transition - namely, seeking approval for HRT. I feel like I'm stuck in a chicken-and-egg loop though, since I often struggle to keep my appearance up.

When I've been called out to social gatherings for a few days 'on the trot', I quickly discover how physically draining it is to shave my face, chest and arms, just to give the basic illusion of femininity. I'm not too bothered around the house - I'll happily wear a loose blouse with chest stubble - but I cannot get away with that outside. This has me deeply scared about the prospect of working as a woman. I've absolutely no wish to work directly with the public, but I want to maintain myself for co-workers and my own dignity. Yet I feel I'm running up a downwards escalator, perhaps trying to do too much for my body to cope with.

I'm keen to 'full time' as soon as I can, as I'm much more comfortable with 'all in' than a hopping between genders. I've been out to see films as a girl and visited offices the next day as a boy, and those boy-trips saddened me deeply. But I feel like I'm being held back since the more I try, the more my masculine body seems to creep back and paint me as trans rather than as woman. I apologise if I sound obsessed about body hair - it just seems to be my biggest giveaway, and I'm sick of having to treat razor 'nicks' or hide the rashes as I keep up a horrible grooming routine.

Has anyone else been in this situation, of trying to 'full time' pre-everything?

[Janet_Girl]

When I began in Jan 2008, it was part time.  In and out of boy mode.  It began to take it's toll on me the closer I got to my court date for my name change.  As it got closer, I put together a "Transition" package for my employer.  I set no date for full time.

Then the date for court came.  I of course as me, I was changing my name after all.  I would show the judge why.  So I went to court, name was changed.  And I knew that I just could not go back to this boy/girl thing.  I had a vacation coming up, so I told my employer that I would begin full time on my return.  On September 13, 2008, I went on vacation and I have never looked back.

Sinnyo, you will know when it is time to go full time.  And it will happen.

[lilacwoman]

I hope you don't mind me sounding off here - I'm having a bit of a crisis of confidence.
Has anyone else been in this situation, of trying to 'full time' pre-everything?

You look fine now.   Stop worrying - well actually you just need to get out and about more to stop worrying as I'm sure most of the public will see you as female.

[Sinnyo]

You look fine now.   Stop worrying - well actually you just need to get out and about more to stop worrying as I'm sure most of the public will see you as female.

That's not what I'm worrying about (most of the time!). That's me after having shaved the stubble back, dressed up and gone out for social events anyway - not a 9-to-5 look. You don't have to look too closely (in reality) to see reddened skin when I look like that, and I've recently endured the horrors of trying to keep clean-shaven for a few days on the trot. Blood, rashes and the persistent grey shadow of roots too short to remove have been blows to my hopes of keeping this up, as the alternative is the sight of a stubbled trans woman. But that's just a superficial part of it.

I guess I don't know what I mean, but your story does help, Janet. Thank you. I think I'd thought I would have some sort of progress bar to go by, to tell me when I could 'level up' or to say when 'my womanhood' had been successfully installed. Without really knowing what important things need doing before I tackle 'full time', perhaps I'm focusing too much on the unimportant, material stuff.

[Dana Lane]

Have  you tried using an epilator? It is pretty painful to some people but it actually improves your body hair situation. After using it for a while your body hair 'could' become a bit lighter/thinner. I know HRT helps a great deal with this. But using an epilator could give you a month or more of no worries. Either that or have the hair waxed. Cheaper and slower with an epilator, though.

[Sinnyo]

Epilators do sound good. I've been wary of them partly for the cost (with so many out there, I don't even know which one to start on), but also my prior experiences with waxing, since without HRT my hair is regrowing as it ordinarily would. Somehow my body hair grows a little faster than my facial hair, and is almost as thick; the regrowth from waxing my legs last time caused me half a week of excruciating, burning pain. >.<

I've seen a few topics discussing these - did anyone arrive at a definitive Good Epilator?

[MillieB]

I went for this one



http://www.amazon.co.uk/Philips-HP6517-Satinelle-Rechargeable-Epilator/dp/B0012NO9OC/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=drugstore&qid=1283889825&sr=8-4

I'm not going to pretend that they are a bundle of laughs,  >:-)particulaly pre hrt but they do work and you will look fantastic (the cooler thingy works well too)

Hope this helps and btw I'm in more or less the same situation as you so sympathise massively, shadow on my upper lip is my biggest problem!!!

[pebbles]

Epilators do sound good. I've been wary of them partly for the cost (with so many out there, I don't even know which one to start on), but also my prior experiences with waxing, since without HRT my hair is regrowing as it ordinarily would. Somehow my body hair grows a little faster than my facial hair, and is almost as thick; the regrowth from waxing my legs last time caused me half a week of excruciating, burning pain. >.<

I've seen a few topics discussing these - did anyone arrive at a definitive Good Epilator?

Waxing hurts as much as epilating the trick is to keep going through the pain after 10 minutes or so natural endorphins will make you numb to anything then it's more a matter of inflammation becoming too extreme... Aspirin or two helps with both counts.

I got a cheap one from boots ages ago for £30 good enough for the purpose I initially intended to use it on my face... it was infeasible the torque was insufficient to rip out the shear density of hair it might work now but I'm obviously not supposed to do that. its still good enough for it's purpose.

My sister was ranting at me for begin clique and stereotypical feeding the idea that women need to remove there body hair. Ugh I'd like to see how she would handle facial hair and chest hair.

[Cruelladeville]

It ain't ever easy.... Sinnyo

When I was in the thick of transitioning (1990/91).....juggling electrolysis, hrt and embarking on the legals toward the two year FTT....

I also lost my home, and ended up renting a flat with a sympathetic full-time Mum... whom thought due to my predicament I'd be perfect baby-sitter material... in some ways that was smart thinking on her part...

(I taught her baby son to read)

The beauty of this period was her flat had two entrances....

In the beginning while there I was working with a diminishing male identity, and would only leave (male) by the busy front door/passage way only.... on a busy bustling inner London road.....

But at all other times and socially I lived as a woman, steadily gaining my confidence along the way...but always leaving by the more private rear entrance of the flat....into a quite cul-de-sac

In a weird way this worked soooo very well for me, and allowed me no hassle from any local neighbours...

All was progressing well till I lost my good full-time job, they knew what was coming and fired me....the upshot of which was it just brought everything forward, so I fully transitioned and real life tested early...

And then started go out either way out as girl into the world all the time...

As always if you're driven enough to do it... you will!

[spacial]

Sinnyo

Getting into a routine of preparation is difficult, more than it might seem at first.

I tend to think, like most things in transision, it's about attitude. You want to be your best. You want to present to the world as you, the best there is.

The problem with not being sure of which methods or products to use is you experiment, then worry about the result.

Find what works for you and stick to it.

[Sinnyo]

I guess epilation has to be it, but with such meagre funds trying to go on a wardrobe in which I could work, the thought of a £75 beauty gadget brings me out in a sweat! I think I'll try to dive in somewhere a couple of weeks from now at the £30-40 range, then mourn the loss of cash.

Thank you, Cruella and Spacial. I wish I did have a second door sometimes, as the neighbours have very likely seen both versions of me by now, but I try to treat each 'con' like that as a 'pro' - all the more reason to keep appearances up. I hope I find a way to stick with that soon.

[spacial]

I'm pretty sure if everyone had a 'second door' the numbers of people transisioning would skyrocket.

I'm sorry if that sounds a bit flippant or even blunt. But it seem to me, and from reading these pages, this is most people's experiences, taking that first step is the hardest.

You've made up your mind to do this. You are already a giant compared to me. But with respect, you seem to have stalled on this point.

It's something you're going to have to work out. If I were there, I would hold your hand.

I'm not going to tell you to just go for it, I don't know your situation at all. But for your own peace of mind, you need to think about how to get past this hurdle.

[Rock_chick]

I have a philips silk-epil 7...think it was about £70 from amazon, but it does the business. Also, try drinking spearmint tea, 2 or 3 cups a day, it naturally scavenges free testosterone and will slow down and thin hair regrowth. Nothing dramatic but it does work.

I am pretty much in the same boat as you for the time being, especially hair wise ( i have itchy chest right now yukky! ). I have however been doing laser for the past 6 months and the beard of doom is on its way out. I was told this by Jenny and it's true...start having electrolysis/laser on the beard of doom now, even if you're not even part time because it will make things a lot easier if it's almost all gone when you go FT rather than something that will need 6 months work. Also, winter is coming up, so you have a legitimate excuse to cover bits up like arms and legs and chest, so people won't know, go FT once the weather has cooled and do your damnedest to to find a way to deal with the body hair. Also, if you epilate, especially on the arms it helps if you let them lie fallow for a bit, and exfoliate like hell, just so that there are minimum ingrowing hairs when you next mow your arms, otherwise you end up with horrible nasty red bumps that itch like crazy. You can also get away with having short hair growth on your arms because no one ever notices it and pretty much every GG I know has hair there.

did I mention exfoliating?

And finally doubts are natural and they make us think about what we're about to do, just don't let them consume you.

[Sinnyo]

I have however been doing laser for the past 6 months and the beard of doom is on its way out. I was told this by Jenny and it's true...start having electrolysis/laser on the beard of doom now, even if you're not even part time because it will make things a lot easier if it's almost all gone when you go FT rather than something that will need 6 months work.

Yes, I see this advice again and again and it has finally sunk in. Wish that I could.. I reckon it'll have to be quite high on my list once I have a steady wage coming in, 'cos shaving does my nut.

You can also get away with having short hair growth on your arms because no one ever notices it and pretty much every GG I know has hair there.

Sadly I've tried, but be it my own twisted perceptions or genuine objectivity, the hairs grow back too dark not to get noticed. They'll have to thin out a lot more to go unnoticed. ^^;

did I mention exfoliating?

Yis! *Pats loofah* ^_^

Thanks, Helena.