Robby's Journey

[Robbyv213]

I hate family get togethers. I always feel out of place, and since starting transition I feel it way more than ever before. I'm not out to my family, only my wife, mom, and a few doctors ( for individuals I potentially have in person interactions with). And during the holiday I felt like all eyes were on me, but no one said anything. Like there was a tension that could be felt. Or like I felt that everyone knew but wasn't saying anything.

Holidays or family get togethers also make me sad that I'm still having to pretend to be who they are used to me being. That I don't get to be myself or not fully. Which usually makes me go down the rabbit hole of thinking about what if I stopped transitioning, go back to how it was. But that only makes me even more depressed.

Luckily for me these thoughts and feelings didn't last long. After everything was done those feelings subsided rather quickly. Which I feel is huge progress.

Now onto the next holiday and or challenging moment in time. I have a feeling it will be a tough conversation with my wife that comes next. She was trying to plan for the next few months and realized that we have to figure out if we are going to renew our lease or not on the property we're renting by the end of the month. But in order to figure that out, she and I have to figure out what's going to happen between us.

Financially it would benefit everyone if we stayed together and did not move, and give it another year to actually save up for a move, but on the other hand there never is a good time for anything, and if we're going to go out own ways then I'd rather it be sooner than later.

Anyways during this realization she started to tear up, and of course that hit me hard as well. So we will see. I'm going to finish my letter and speak my truth, she needs to know and have all the information to make a informed choice on her end. But I'm not going to make myself smaller anymore, or not speak my truth.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I feel the same way about family gatherings. If I know that certain relatives will be there, I decline to go. I tell them that I don't want to be a distraction or the focus of attention. That is not the purpose of the gathering. Lately, they seem to be getting the message and just do not invite me. That's fine with me. I don't need the stress and headache of hanging out with people who have negative attitudes toward me.

You are about to face some major decisions, and that can be tough. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. Consider that it doesn't need to be all or nothing. If you both agree that it is better to wait a year for financial reasons, part of that agreement could include some freedom for you to be yourself. She may not agree, but it is an option.

Know that whatever you decide, we are here for you and hoping for the best outcome for everyone involved.

Hugs!

[Robbyv213]

Thanks @Lori Dee. Yes i don't think it will be all or nothing, there is definitely room for some compromise for sure. So we shall see.

[Pema]

This is one your posts where I really feel that clarity and strength that's inside of you.

About this part:

And during the holiday I felt like all eyes were on me, but no one said anything. Like there was a tension that could be felt. Or like I felt that everyone knew but wasn't saying anything.

A favorite quote of mine is "What other people think of me is none of my business."

And there's no way to know whether that tension is its own thing or just a manifestation of this piece:

Holidays or family get togethers also make me sad that I'm still having to pretend to be who they are used to me being. That I don't get to be myself or not fully.

That's huge, and that's the real dilemma that you're grappling with. That you were able to let go of that discomfort so quickly is undeniably phenomenal progress. It means that you're reclaiming control of your inner space. This is where I see your strength emerging.

And again, that you and your wife are still moving forward with the open-hearted sharing of feelings and desires knowing that there will be pain and tears is so significant, because it's a departure from the conflict avoidance that has led you to your current stalemate. Pushing ahead anyway is the "something different" that offers the hope of real growth for you both. When you do it with honesty and compassion, it's hard to go wrong.

I don't know whether you're someone who gets overwhelmed by tears, but if you are, this is a good opportunity to try to shift that response. There's nothing wrong with crying. We should all cry from time to time. It's good for us. We'd all benefit from having a full range of emotions and expressing them healthily, and we should be comfortable with others doing the same. So if your wife cries, see if you can welcome it as a way for her to release feelings she has that need to come out. You can cry with her if you feel it. Crying can be incredibly cathartic, and crying together can strengthen connection.

This is why I have so much faith in you, right here:

But I'm not going to make myself smaller anymore, or not speak my truth.

I know you'll still have days where you'll feel like you slip backwards - like we all do - but this kind of clarity and commitment to oneself is the source for everything else. This is the real you.

[Robbyv213]

Today marks a milestone for me on my journey. Hopefully one of many more milestones.

Today is exactly one year on estrogen.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Today marks a milestone for me on my journey. Hopefully one of many more milestones.

Today is exactly one year on estrogen.

Congrats! Happy Anniversary!

And look how far you have come. You should go back and read some of your earliest posts and notice how your attitude and mindset have evolved.

Wishing great things for you!

Hugs!

[Pema]

Congratulations, Robin! Do you feel different from how you felt a year ago?

[Robbyv213]

Thanks everyone. Honestly I don't feel any different. My mindset has definitely shifted for sure.

But I don't feel any different. I'm still me if that makes sense.

And this entire year of being on HRT is a big milestone for many, but it doesn't feel like it. No one in my personal life besides my wife knows, and my wife only thinks I've been on HRT since July. So yea. Much of my journey so far has been behind the scenes. Either by choice or feeling like I had to keep it secret, that something which brings me happiness and excitement will only bring negative emotions for others.

Also for being on HRT for a year I feel not much has physically changed either. Not much fat redistribution, little to no breast growth. Only softer skin, longer hair but still thin, and I've made an active effort to try to lose weight and muscle mass.

I know everyone's miles may vary, but for those generic time lines that say individuals see or experience this from 0-3 months, or that from 3-6 months and whatever else from 6-12 months has not been accurate what so ever. So it doesn't feel like it's been a year since, and or I guess I just thought there would have been more apparent changes than what did actually change/is changing from hrt.

I think the biggest thing for me is that the people in my daily life (physically present everyday) have no clue and I know many would not have positive feelings about it.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I know everyone's miles may vary, but for those generic time lines that say individuals see or experience this from 0-3 months, or that from 3-6 months and whatever else from 6-12 months has not been accurate what so ever. So it doesn't feel like it's been a year since, and or I guess I just thought there would have been more apparent changes than what did actually change/is changing from hrt.

The part they forget to tell you is that those timelines don't start until your hormone levels are at the correct level for your body. Some people require higher doses, and some require less for their body to shift to "puberty". I learned this the hard way. It took four years to find "my dose" for my metabolism while I was actively pursuing it. That can be complicated when in stealth mode, so I feel for you. Hopefully, things will work out so you don't need to hide and can be more proactive toward your goals.

The softer skin is a sign that it is working. Other changes will follow in their own time.

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

Congratulations and looking forward to many more years of living your truth I'm sure! As for the milestones they can vary for different people as you've found. The main thing is you say you've shifted your mindset which I hope is a big positive for you?

Sorry to hear that people in your life might not appreciate your truth so to speak. Really hope that might improve one day.

Charlotte 😻

[Robbyv213]

Thanks everyone. Yes at this rate im sure I won't see many changes until I'm about another year in or so I would imagine. But who knows.

Yes my mindset shift is definitely a good thing, but I can still fall down the rabbit hole with the best of them as well. Lol

I guess the disappointment lies in what I had imagined 1 year on estrogen would look like vs what it actually turned out to be. I Thought I'd be much further along than I am, I thought many things. But I guess we're all that naive in the beginning when first starting out.

I'm hopeful that these things are still on their way to me. Sadly today doesn't feel like a milestone, or anything special from what high expectation I had placed on it.

[Lori Dee ✅]

It's your positive attitude that will carry you through. We are here to help in any way we can.

Hugs!

[davina61]

You say you don't feel any different ,that is right you are still you. Its the subtle things that happen that even you will not notice till they combine.