It started when I was just a kid. I couldn't have been more than 4 to 6 years old. I had a dream that I was Alice in Wonderland. I was in a dress and everything just like the movie. I woke up in a panic because it felt like a nightmare, but as soon as I woke up I wanted so badly to go back and be Alice again.
I used to lay in bed at night wishing that somehow I would wake up as a girl. I remember thinking I didn't care if I was sick or even dying, it was all I ever wanted.
Eventually it started to dawn on me that it wasn't going to happen and that I was stuck being a boy and that was just who I was supposed to be.
I would go to my cousins house and play with Barbies and wear their princess dresses. I loved it. I would run downstairs to show my parents. My friends sisters would paint my nails and I would pretend to hate it and act like it was torture, but I actually loved it. Then I would come home and my mom would scrub it off with acetone and I would feel so sad that I couldn't keep it on.
Then middle school hit and hormones started kicking in for me and for the girls around me. I got so jealous of my female friends. Their long hair, their bodies changing, their clothes, makeup, everything.
Sometimes I would have my mom call me in sick just so I could stay home and put on one of her bras and stuff it with toilet paper or balloons and walk around the house. I did that all through high school too. At one point I even stole my neighbors sisters bra because we were about the same size. That was the first piece of womens clothing I ever owned.
Then the internet became a turning point for me. I finally found something that explained what I was feeling. Being transgender and gender dysphoria.
I never thought I would be able to come out to my parents. I was terrified I would destroy my family or be disowned. But then my mom divorced my dad right when I was graduating high school and everything kind of fell apart anyway. It was messy and I went off to college with my family in pieces.
And honestly thats when everything opened up for me.
New town, no friends, no structure. I came out to my cousin and her partner because I knew they were safe and they accepted me right away. They helped me get sized for my first bra. I started experimenting more with makeup, clothes, and breast forms. I got my eyebrows done and grew my hair out. I started presenting as female.
I even started seeing a therapist because I wanted to start HRT and fully transition.
I did 3 years of therapy.
And right when I was about to take that step I got cold feet.
People from high school started asking questions. Outside opinions got in my head. I started doubting everything. And then I met her.
She was beautiful. And she made me question everything even more.
On a whim I cut my hair, my beautiful hair, and went back to living as a man. I took a shot with her and it worked. We have been together 11 years and married for 7. Now we have a beautiful 1 year old daughter after years of IVF.
When I got into this relationship I really thought I could suppress that part of me. That maybe it would go away. That I could just live a normal life as a man.
But it didn't go away.
Now it is back with a vengeance.
I can't contain it anymore and I feel like I have dug myself into such a deep hole that I don't know how to climb out. I feel stuck between two worlds. I know who I want to be, I just don't know if I can destroy the family I built, especially after watching my own fall apart.
I don't think my wife would stay with me if I came out. I don't think I would lose her completely, we would probably still be friends, and I don't think she would keep my daughter from me, but I don't know. Her parents are very anti LGBT and that makes everything feel heavier.
Part of me thinks she already knows something, but I don't know how much.
Anyways this is most of me. I am sure I missed things but I will share more over time.
Thanks for reading
Kayy!
