Been a while and I definitely dropped the ball here...oops.
I ended up re-starting HRT. I ended up doing the full 3 months of low dose E (2 mg) that I received. I haven't refilled yet - I got a bit spooked at the formal paper trail building up.
I've got some things I want to note for posterity's sake, if nothing else. I suppose there's a therapeutic bit too it, too.
For starters, I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I am trans, and in a vacuum, would be made much happier and healthier by transitioning. I felt such a sense of vibrance on HRT. It was like going from black & white to color. Every single sense was elevated. And my mental clarity was so sharp, like putting on glasses in the morning after stumbling around in a blurry room for a bit. I have no explanation for this, other than that it's obvious something about the way my brain's wired is more aligned with an estrogen-dominant hormone level than a testosterone-dominant one. I just "felt great," in a very general sense.
I also really enjoyed the physical changes I experienced. My skin got softer, and even without shaving my legs I could feel the bedsheets differently. Again, just every sense was elevated, including touch. I swear my face softened very, very slightly, and my eyes kind of got...clearer? Idk how to explain it other than they seemed more reflective? Less matte, if that makes any sense (it probably doesn't). I did get breast buds, and even having stopped, it still hurts when I bump my chest the wrong way. It feels like of like getting poked in the nipple with the eraser on a pencil. It's painful, but also, I get a weird joy out of it. MY tiny, barely noticeable boobs hurt. Mine!
I definitely noticed I had a much better mood. My wife made several comments about me being in a good mood over the last 3 months, which is both affirming and sad because it's both confirming that this would make me happy, but if she knew why, she'd 100% disapprove.
Which brings me to the conclusion, at least for now. Nobody knows about my 3 months on HRT. For the sake of my family, I don't think I'll resume for now. Even though I was a better spouse and parent with my hormones being "right," I just am not convinced I was SO much better that it warrants putting my wife and kids through the major life upturning that would be my transition. It is sad, and I have cried over it more than once, but I have made my peace with it. Who knows...maybe one day, things will change. Maybe societal views shift, or medicine opens up new possibilities for trans healthcare. Maybe my family's views will change over time. It's all possible and I choose the path of hope instead of wallowing in too much self-pity over not having the courage to do this a decade ago.
Just wanted to tie a bow on this in case anyone else in a similar situation comes along and wonders how this whole experiment went. I got everything I needed to out of it, and am very glad I finally did it.
