Hi, Jen. You're absolutely right that this is your blog, and you can say whatever you want in it. I'm glad you came back and shared what you're feeling here.
I feel like the things I want to say will either sound trite or trivial or impossible, but I still want to say them - not only because I really truly believe them but because I think they do make a significant difference when realized.
As Ashley said, giant leaps aren't necessary. I'd even argue that this is a journey that is best approached with small, carefully thought-out steps. But I'm a big fan of "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
For me, and I think for most people (even if they're not aware of it), what matters most is how we feel about ourselves inside. Yes, it's validating and helpful to have other people reflect what we want to see in ourselves, but if we're depending on that for our sense of who we are, then we're not actually connected to who we really are. I genuinely believe that our primary assignment on Earth is to understand at the deepest level possible who we are. That takes a lot of shedding of societal programming and surrendering and accepting what is true - even the parts we've been led to think are unappealing - and seeing and loving ourselves fully.
Look at how many of us are here and have been here over the years. See how we all know at some level that we are not who we were told we were? We know it, Jen - just like you do. Overcoming that cultural barrier to get to a point where we can reject those constraints and say, "No. This is who I am." requires self love and confidence that are not taught to most of us. Even worse, it's presented as being foolish or selfish or worse.
I went through a period of denial and internal debate, and I found that far more maddening than just accepting it. For me, it always came back to "Well, I'm certainly not a man;" that fact was just undeniable. Maybe not physiologically, but emotionally, mentally, even spiritually. So when I became exhausted with the daily demands coming from inside my own head to justify my contention that I'm transgender, I decided to embrace that truth and try to cultivate my awareness of myself as a woman.
Sure, I did things like acquiring nice women's underwear and shirts, but most of what I did was internal. I allowed myself to feel myself as a woman. I won't lie to you; sometimes it felt awkward or forced. Sometimes it was frustrating because I just "didn't feel it." But the times that I did... Those were literally the only times when I had complete clarity about who I am. The more I welcomed and had those experiences, the clearer the truth became to me, even in the times when I didn't feel it. And the more familiar this feeling this became, the more often I'd experience it. Occasionally I'd feel frustrated because I couldn't find a way to "get there." A counselor I was seeing at the time said, "Just relax into it. If you feel like you're having to work at it, you're probably pushing too hard." I found that to be true - and a difficult line to walk.
I honestly believe that, at this point anyway, it's mostly about surrendering, accepting, and allowing. At the risk of stereotyping, I think that's a more feminine approach than what had become my go-to method over my 61 years, so just learning to do that was a hurdle for me.
So, in summary, I don't think you "need to do" anything right now other than to let yourself be who you are and love yourself for being you. When that becomes a habit, what other people will think will become less relevant, and you will feel what your next (small) step should be.
Maybe that doesn't feel like "moving forward," but it's actually huge progress. When people decide to put in a garden, they want to start by putting plants in the ground. But making sure the soil has the right composition and texture and drainage and that there's access to light and water... Those foundational steps are really the most important ones. We humans are no different.
"Those who wish to be
Must put aside the alienation
Get on with the fascination
The real relation
The underlying theme"
You've got this, Jen. You know who you are.
