"The problem is I just want more. It's only clothes, makeup, jewelry and presentation but I feel more comforatable. I don't look like anything other than an old guy pretending."
Oh yes, THIS! The story I told myself for months, maybe years. "I'm an old guy in a dress". I still start to say it sometimes.
Let me smile sweetly and say "->-bleeped-<- that."
I'm not of course belittling your experience or fears because they are mine, too. My face won't ever pass. It's disheartening to have someone glance at me and call me ma'am, then correct themself when they see my face.
But not today or yesterday. Three times I was referred to as a woman by strangers. I have no illusions that I pass, but I offer enough female signals to get the response I want.
We aren't pretending when we wear our feminine things. We are pretending when we aren't.
My comfort and joy in female presentation accelerated. Picture that curving graph. Each step made me need the next one. Soon. I'm right in the edge of public breast forms, wig, and dresses. I can't hold it back despite my fears and self-judgement.
I joined trans support groups, online and in person. Got a therapist who said I didn't need her. Fair. Used AI for outfit advice and hundreds of hours of discussions. Coming here was a way to engage more people instead of a program.
My wife struggles too but she tries. I'm the opposite, of you. At home I'm in all female garb but when I go to work, I added more feminine touches, like lipstick. Going to Genderquest means taking the wig and forms and even the dress in the car. I'm slowly showing more at home to my wife and college-age kids.
It's not easy. But it's necessary. And like you, I want more.
