Robby's Journey

[Lori Dee ✅]

I am so happy to read this.

Be sure to let your son know this. The two of you have each other and can work through everything together. Reading this made me smile!

[Pema]

Robby, this is phenomenal news. This is exactly what I mean when I talk about taking steps that open up new opportunities. It's up to us to do it, and you're doing it. This is what that looks like and feels like. You have the power.

[Robbyv213]

Looking for opinions and general thoughts.

As my separation with my wife is getting closer and closer I find myself needing to make choice about where to live next. We have till the end of April with our current rental. We are both hoping to have our own places ready to move into by the mid March or beginning of April.

As of right now moving out of the state is not an opinion due to not having money to move and or having any jobs lined up. That and we will be sharing custody of the pets with verbal agreement during this first year of living apart.

So the question is do I continue to rent or apply for a VA home loan and buy?

Most places where I live rentals are going for 1600-2200 for 3 bed 2-2.5 bath, typical property.

Most homes to buy are on the low end of 250 to stupid ridiculous expensive. Looking at homes bellow 350 the calculated mortgage rate is right around 16-1800.

So do I rent or buy. I can see the pros and cons of both. I know I can buy a home that has a pool and have lower mortgage rate than renting a home that has a pool.

Most rentals are now controlled by major corporations and everything is done through an online portal ( which is what we currently have and dont like)

Renting would be nice depending on how many animals I am taking on I could live more minimalist. But if I have two or more animals I feel I need a house with a yard to rent at the least and unfortunately most have breed restrictions. I like the fact that with renting I know I'll be able to move in a year. Buying I'll be a bit more tied down.

Not that I see my wife being vindictive but if I buy there is a chance she may want to try to stake a claim on half of it...

And again as much as I'd like to move to WA or Co I don't have the means, job or any legitimate plans to make that happen.

[Lori Dee ✅]

The job will impact your ability to buy. As you said, buying will also tie you down for a while, since it takes longer to sell when you want to move.

I like renting because maintenance and yardwork are included. But pets require extra deposits and fees (plus breed and size restrictions). They can be more lenient about the job as long as you can show a reliable income. After you move in, you can change jobs, and no one will notice.

If you remain in-state, consider moving away from cities. That is where the higher prices are. I have found that smaller towns away from the suburbs can be more affordable.

Do some searching online on sites like Zillow to get an idea of what is available and what the prices are. You might spend more money commuting to work and appointments, but that is balanced by the lower mortgage/rental rate.

Good luck!

[Jessica_Rose ✅]

I agree with @Lori Dee , renting is your best option for now. While it is a buyer's market for homes, interest rates are still slowly coming down. In many areas, home sales are dismal. We listed our 'old' house last September. We received an offer within a week or two, but it was contingent upon the buyers selling their existing home. They weren't able to sell, and we relisted the house in early January. Hopefully, the sale will close this Thursday.

Your life is turbulent right now. Renting will buy you some time for things to calm down, and to plan for your future.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Stottie Girl]

I'm a little confused? How could your ex wife try to take half of a new house that you've bought after you were seperated?

I'm in the UK and have just put my house up for sale today. For me, rental is dead money and buying a home would always be preferable if you can afford it. longer term, bricks and mortar (or whatever you guys build your homes out of!) will go up in value and will nearly always be a good investment allowing you to climb the property ladder. Rent just lines a landlords pockets.

But everyones personal circumstances are different so it's not always possible to buy of course.

[Robbyv213]

To be clear. My wife and I are not legally separated by court yet. We are just going to life separately (and most likely file with the court to be legally separated shortly after or during this year apart). I think my wife thinks the year will help me grow, which it definitely will. But I think she thinks it will allow me to explore this and decide not to transition, which will be a new flash when I most likely will use the year apart to go full steam ahead (as much as responsibly possible with everything going on).


Yes I feel as much as I'd like to buy and as tempting it may be to buy. I think renting for the next year is probably the best route for now. I can always decide to buy next year if I still want to.

Unfortunately renting here in az sucks. Basically if you're renting a house everything is on you the renter, except hoa fees (if they apply). The owners in this state won't cover landscaping, or anything extra. And like I said most houses that are being rented out are being done so by big corporations where you never see and or talk to a real human sadly.

The only places I've found that most things are covered are apartments or town house/apartments type communities. While they may cover a little more, I lose the garage and extra space or yard for the dogs, and they are only 1-200 cheaper than trying to rent a house. If I rent a town home type apartment it's hit or miss if they have garages attached or detached. So that means I have to keep y storage unit.

So basically I'm either renting or buying a house even though it's just me. The only things I've noticed is that the townhomes/apartments don't seem to have any animal restrictions as the house rentals do.

[Stottie Girl]

Oh right, that complicates things a bit then. I see your dilemma.

Sounds like in the short term you may need to rent until things settle down.

Renting in the uk normally doesn't come with things like gardening or anything but if they do there are normally hefty service charges. Would it not be cheaper to get a standard rental and pay for gardening services seperately if you need them?

[Pema]

I think if you're serious about leaving the state (Oregon is also great), then I wouldn't buy a place now. That seems likely to tie you down so that then moving is much, much more difficult.

When I moved across the country, the first thing I did was look for jobs in the place I wanted to live. Eventually I got lucky, found a job, and went. 32 years later, I still love it (and had 4 different jobs by the time I retired).

[Lori Dee ✅]

When I moved here from SD, it was a pain trying to drive that far just to look at rentals. I'm retired, so work wasn't an issue. I marked several areas to look at, then drove down. I stayed in a hotel for a week and drove through neighborhoods during the day, at night, and on the weekend to get a feel of what that place was like.

In that process, I discovered several mobile home parks that had potential. I settled on this one (yes, I am trailer trash now) because it is a 55+ community, so mostly quiet. Yard maintenance is my responsibility, and I have a decent-sized backyard. It works, and it is affordable.

But I knew when I moved in that it was just temporary. I needed a local place to give me time to scout the area without needing to drive for 8 hours to get here. Now, I can take my time, learn the area, see what is available, and check the pricing. I don't like living in the city, but this is where the services are: VA, shopping, etc. I would like to be further west, closer to the mountains. I love the desert, but the areas where I will be gold mining are three hours+ away.

Just develop a plan and figure out what you need to figure out, then go from there.

[Robbyv213]

Got my labs back for my next appointment which will be here in the beginning of March. My E and T levels were almost exactly the sameas the were from my last blood work back in July, which I find funny since my dose was increased.

I wonder what my Endo will make of that... I know the reference levels are just that for reference but seems like most doctors will still use it as the end all be all rather than going by what is yielding results in terms of mood, how the patient is physically feeling and handling it, and obviously the desired changes.

Oh well. Time to wait for my appointment and see what they have to say. I'm tired of playing out how the conversation of my next appointment might go. Lol usually even in my head I'm preparing for it to be a battle and that I'll have to advocate for myself once again.

I'm hopeful it won't be as bad as I have made it out to be in my head now that the department head of the VA Endo department is taking over my care due to the previous Dr prescribing a medication that has an ingredient in it that is listed in my medical record as an allergy. So we will see.

[Robbyv213]

For those curious. My labs in July were 136 E, and 21 T. My most recent labs were 136 E and 22 T, even with a 2 mg increase over the previous dose prescribed.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Those are not bad. If I were your Endo (which I am not), I might try to bump up the E just a little and leave the T alone. An increase in E will raise T, but not much.

Most providers focus on symptoms first. If you have symptoms, then they consult the labs and reference levels to find an answer. Usually, they don't chase the numbers if they are close. Everyone's biology is different, so micromanaging a level is not productive, unless it is to relieve symptoms.

[Robbyv213]

Sadly all the endos I've had through the VA thus far have only ever cared about the numbers and did not care about symptoms or progress/desired results.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Sadly all the endos I've had through the VA thus far have only ever cared about the numbers and did not care about symptoms or progress/desired results.

That's my experience too, lately. But I had a good team in SD.
Fortunately, I am far enough along that I can ignore them and still do what I need to do. It just costs more.

[Robbyv213]

Yes. I feel that's most likely what I will be doing as well until I have a job that has insurance that covers gender affirming care so I no longer have to use the VA for it.

[Robbyv213]

Here the latest and Greatest....

Life seems to be getting crazy as we approach the date my wife and I need to move out of our current rental. New rental Options seem slim and or they want a ton of ridiculous information just to be considered to apply (which makes me feel that it's a breach of privacy in some cases)... While others don't require much of anything. So the stress of feeling like I'm falling behind is adding up. Especially when every property that I go see and actually like ends up off the market the next day...


I had my last Endo appointment with the VA yesterday. It went very well.  I had been dreading it for a long time now since it seems like almost every Dr I was given was not a good match. My new Endo spent a hour and half with me, we had a good long talk about everything, she even gave me a breast exam and to my surprise she said I am at tanner 3 - 4 with how much tissue has developed, even though I've been on HRT for a little over a year and I'm only still an a/b cup. Or at least it seems like there isn't much there compared to my frame. Anyways all and all the appointment with my new Endo went extremely well. She seems like she actually cares and wants to give the best care she can, which makes sense why she's the head of the Endo department here in Phoenix.

The only thing I dont care for is that she likes to only do in person appointments so she can see how things are going and changing. Which makes sense especially if there will be breast exams each appointment. But it doesn't change the fact that it's a hour drive to get there and another hour to get home. So it looks like I'll be using a lot of sick days and then vacation for when ever I have a Dr appointment. Luckily we're scheduling them at 6 months for now. She even wants to have me do blood work twice a week to see how long the estrogen stays at optimal range before it drops off since my labs were almost exactly the same as the previous ones done in July (even with a higher dose being prescribed)

I do feel like I am moving in the right direction. Even if it is slow. I feel like my mindset is still shifting and the mental aspect is moving in a positive direction. I hate to say this but it's starting to feel like my wife and I were never good for one another even though there is love there. As we are both starting to figure out what the next chapter looks like for ourselves, there feels like a weight has been taken off my shoulders now that I will only have to worry about myself and two dogs on a daily basis and am free to finally explore as much or as little what it is for me to be authentic and true. Just feels like there is a huge obstacle (trying to figure out how we both can move and not end up broke or drowning in debt) between that more peaceful future, and that obstacle is really trying to tear at us to remain comfortable and to push it off.

Neither of us want to push it off, we know the sooner the better since there won't be a good time. I feel we both really want to move forward and start the next chapter of healing or what ever it may be.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Thanks for the update.

Even though you are still struggling with some stressful issues, it sounds like your mental health has shifted into a healthier attitude.

I am very happy to hear that you found an Endo that you can work with. That is becoming rare within the VA system. Mine did a breast exam during my first appointment, but that was the last time. After that, she just asked if I was doing them and how often.

The move will be stressful, but you seem to be handling it well. Did you decide about the Goodwill Manager job?

I hope everything works out well for you.

[Pema]

Thank you. I've been wondering how things were going.

I have to say that I love the overall tone of this post. You recognize that things are difficult and likely to be for a while and also that it still feels like the direction you need to go. I see that as kind of a necessary stage to shaping your life into what you want. And it definitely doesn't hurt to have a good endocrinologist on your side. But I also think that once you show the Universe that you're committed to investing in yourself, it tends to reward you with an occasional matching contribution.

I'm proud of you for pushing ahead.

Love,
Pema

[Robbyv213]

I applied to good will twice. First time I got a auto email saying they went in a different direction.

My buddy said that email is usually sent when appling to a job post that is expired or already filled.

So I reapplied to the most recent one and got the same email. So I just figured that's the universes way of saying it's not for me.

So good will was a bust, as well as REI ups and Amazon all told me to kick rocks (more or less lol)

So yea I guess I'm stuck where I'm at for now with Mercedes.

Once the move happens and things settle then I'll try again.