I only realised that I was trans last February. That realisation didn't arrive suddenly but once it did, it brought an understanding and sense of coherence I had never previously had. Many long-standing feelings — discomfort, incongruity, and a lifelong pull toward femininity — finally made sense.
I am now 79 years old and my life is well established. I have a wife, children and grandchildren and long-standing social connections and responsibilities that matter to me. I am very aware of the realities of my age and circumstances and it is inconceivable that I could transition publically. What matters to me is finding peace and self-acceptance within the life I already have.
I am not out at home and remaining covert is an important and necessary part of maintaining stability with my family and in my social life. Rather than outward change, I have focused on small, subtle steps that allow me to move forward quietly and covertly.
Much of that progress has been internal: allowing myself to think of myself as Christina, softening how I relate to my body, my voice, and my presence in the world, and letting go of the idea that femininity must be overt to be real. Alongside this, there have been gentle external changes — skincare, nail care, discreet makeup and more androgynous clothing choices that feel affirming to me while remaining unremarkable to others.
One unexpected aspect of this has been how I am perceived in public. Despite being entirely in boymode, I have been misgendered several times, including when out with my wife, with strangers naturally addressing me as a woman. It now clear to me that many of my features that have caused me so much grief in the past, my rather effeminate bone structure, my quite lush hair but almost complete lack of body hair and high-pitched voice coupled with androgynous clothing and accessories read 'woman' to a casual observer.
I am trying to be Christina on a daily basis in quiet, subtle way that is comforting and appropriate to my circumstances.
I don't know exactly where this path will lead and I am comfortable with that. What I do know is that acknowledging Christina has brought a sense of peace and self-understanding that I did not previously have.
