Hi Tammy, welcome back!
Thirty-plus years of running this place and the returning members still get me right in the chest — you came back, and that takes something.
What you said about thinking you'd killed that side of yourself and just now letting yourself live — that's the whole thing, isn't it.
A lot of us have been there. The hiding takes a toll that doesn't always show up until you finally stop doing it, and then everything you pushed down comes up at once.
Be gentle with yourself through that part. There's no schedule, and "trying to let myself live" is exactly the right framing — it's a practice, not a switch.
A few practical things, since you asked:
On older-member community here. We have a sub-forum specifically for this — Late-Onset Transsexual talk — where the conversations skew toward folks transitioning in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond.
The concerns there (careers, long marriages, adult kids, decades of suppression, aging bodies on HRT) are different from what you'll see in the general forums, and you'll find your people there faster.
Also worth browsing: the Real-Life Experiences board and Transitioning Later in Life threads that pop up across several sub-forums.
On the anxiety piece. The forum itself is genuinely a good first step for someone with social anxiety — you can read, think, and respond on your own time, no camera, no voice, no real-time pressure.
Don't feel like you have to push yourself to Discord or video meetups before you're ready. A lot of members start by lurking and reading for weeks before they post much, and that's a completely legitimate way to use the place.
The Discord is there when and if you want it, not as a graduation requirement.
If your therapist wants you in a group for clinical reasons, asynchronous text forums like this one do count as peer support in most therapeutic frameworks — it's worth telling them you've joined here and seeing if that satisfies what they're looking for, at least as a starting point while you work up to anything more synchronous.
On the DIY HRT. Twelve years is a long stretch, and I want to gently flag this: please make sure your therapist knows, and if you don't currently have a prescribing provider doing regular bloodwork, that should move toward the top of the list.
Estrogen and any anti-androgens you might be on affect liver function, clotting risk, lipids, prolactin, and bone density, and those risks compound with age — especially moving into your 50s.
None of this is a lecture, and nobody here is going to judge how you got your meds. But getting into a monitored situation protects you, and a lot of members have made that transition from DIY to prescribed without drama.
Planned Parenthood, informed-consent clinics, and Plume (telehealth) are common routes if your area is thin on trans-competent providers. If you want, I can point you to threads where folks have discussed making that switch.
One more thing. "A fresh start is always good" — yes. And you don't owe anyone, here or anywhere else, the story of the years you spent hiding. Share what serves you, when it serves you. This place runs at your pace.
We are really glad you're here,
— Susan💜
